forty-five: secrets 

"Harry, can you wipe up table five?" Liam asks a few days later, shouting from behind the bar over the noisy crowd that always seemed to accumulate on Friday nights. I was doing my best to keep up with my day to day routine, not wanting to focus on what was actually happening in my life. I hadn't spoken to Niall in days, not because I didn't want to but because I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Every time I got close to calling, I would feel even angrier than I did the last time. 

So I had resulted to avoiding him even though I knew that was the wrong thing to do. I should be working on getting to know my children, not running the other direction. But I was terrified to the point where I felt paralyzed. I didn't know what was waiting for me behind that door, I didn't know what kind of a parent I had to be to these children or if Niall was even going to allow me to be that parent without a fight. 

"Jesus, mate. Watch it." Zayn almost yells as I accidentally run into him, having not paid attention to what it was I was doing. I stumble back in surprise, but my bewildered expression is replaced with anger rather quickly. I don't know what comes over me, my hand grabbing Zayn's shirt and shoving him against a wall like it's nothing. 

"You fucking knew." I say through gritted teeth, slamming Zayn against the wall again. Zayn lets out a surprised grunt and almost the whole bar falls silent around us. 

"You're causing a scene." Zayn says, trying to get my hand out of his shirt but my grip was far stronger than he realizes. 

"You knew and you didn't tell me. You let him get away with it." I don't care if people are staring, the anger taking over me but even I knew it wasn't Zayn that I was angry with.

"It wasn't my secret to tell." Zayn says, remaining calm despite the fact that I had him up against a wall. He was right though, he wasn't the one I was angry at...  The thought alone makes me fall apart, letting go of Zayn and walking out of the bar before I finally fall to my knees. I hated how broken I was and I knew for a fact that I wasn't ready to be the parent those kids were going to need. 

I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone two children. 

Niall was right, they were better off without me... 

But even if that was the case, I couldn't help but think about what it could've been like. The idea of Sunday mornings, the four of us all together in a king sized bed... Breakfast in bed, followed by an afternoon of building forts in the living room of the house until it was after dinner, the kids cuddled up in bed after bath time, listening contently to a story that Niall is telling them while I stand to the side with a happy smile on my face. 

That was what my future could've been, but Niall took that away. Now it was just me in that house, the halls empty, dust covering the furniture. There was no laughter, there were no forts in the living room. 

It was just me, standing in a place that once upon a time I thought I could call home. 

"Harry..." It's Zayn's voice once again, his hands resting gently on my shoulder despite my actions just moments prior. 

"He was my everything, Zayn. He was... He was the love of my life.. and he left me. He took them away... He left me..." I whisper, my voice cracking despite how badly I wished it wouldn't. This was the most broken I had been, broken to the point where I felt like there was no coming back from it. I had felt pain before, but none like this. 

"I know... What he did to you, it's inexcusable..." Zayn says and I look at him for the first time. It was the most sincere expression I had ever seen on Zayn, one that I was certain he only reserved for people he cared about... Never in a million years did I think I would be on the receiving end of it. 

"Why aren't you on his side? He's your best friend." I manage to get out, earning a tight smile from Zayn. 

"Because the Niall who's my best friend never would've done this. Harry, I know that you and I never really got along and that we've never been close... but you didn't deserve what he did to you, cheating or no cheating... what he did was wrong and I'm on your side. You have every right to be angry at him... but if I'm being honest with you, avoiding him isn't going to solve this... You need... You need to meet those kids." Zayn says, holding out his hand to help me up as I stare at him. He was right of course, but every part of me wanted to argue. 

"What if... What if I'm not what they expect?" I found myself asking and Zayn lets out a laugh that echoes through the night. 

"They're two, they won't expect anything from you. They'll just be happy to have a father." Zayn says and I can't even muster up a thank you before he's walking back into the bar, leaving me alone outside. I stand there in bewilderment for another moment before I finally pull out my phone, dialing the number I knew by heart despite how badly I wished I'd forgotten it. He picks up on the second ring, saying hello but I don't say it back. Instead I just say two words. 

"I'm ready." 

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shit, it's been a month. 

sorry? i'm just having major issues with this book atm. like i can't write it, i get angry with what i'm writing and i feel like it's 390% pure shit atm. 

so, yeah. see you next month. 

dedication goes to Ariel_R_Molina

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connie xx