I stare at the paper in front of me.

I've written almost fifty of these letters.

Each time focusing on something different.

That is one of my problems, not being able to focus on one thing for a set amount of time.

I wish I could get up the courage to actually use one of them.

I turn around in my spinny desk chair, because spinny desk chairs are the best, and walk over to my bed, pulling out the shoebox from underneath.

I've labled it, "The Note", because i've decided to use all of them if i'm ever brave enough.

See, I'm playing a little game. I'm going to write suicide notes.

I'm going to write them to different people in my life. It can be anybody. I'm going to write about anything I want, as long as I want, to whomever I want.

If this helps me, I win. If it doesn't, I'll just have a bunch of useless suicide notes. None of these are real. I'm not going to kill myself. But if I were, I'd have these.

I pull out the one labled "Ryan" and fold it open. This is the first note that I ever wrote.

I sigh and start reading,

"Dear Ryan,

                I'm thinking of you especially right now. I miss you. A lot. We still saw each other almost every day. I somehow still felt alone. I- I felt like I had nobody. For the longest time I was alone. I had Brendon, I had whoever the hell I trusted but that's the thing. I trusted Jon to never leave me. I was so lost. I don't feel like myself Ryan. You know me better than anyone. I need you to fix me. Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. I wish that's what I could say. That I feel nothing. I feel everything Ryan. I feel let down and sad and frustrated and upset and alive and dead and angry and insane all at once and I don't know how I feel. I can't describe it exactly. I've tried and tried and nothing fits perfectly. I decided to write to you first, because I think you know me the most. We've been through everything together. I used to tell you every single thought that ran through my head because even though you teased me you fucking loved me unconditionally. I love you unconditionally too. Yeah I bitch about you and we fight but I've learned that that's what love really is. It's knowing someone so well that you trust them more than you trust yourself. I realize that knowing yourself is something hard to do and heaven knows that I don't know myself. But you do. And I fucking love you. I've come to learn that the phrase Home is where the heart is isn't talking about little kids uttering the words "I wanna go home". No. Home is not a place. Home is with people who you love more than yourself. Home is every single detail that you know about me. Home is every time we defended ourselves against the world. It's always been you and me against the world Ryan. I miss you so much. You're my home. Memories of home aren't cookies and Christmases. Memories of home is that time when you got that notebook that was blue and white and we passed notes and got in trouble for it because I had a bunch of paper airplane notes made out of that paper under my desk. Memories of home is that time when we found out we both loved the X-men and we became friends because I asked you if you wanted to play X-Men and you said yes as long as you got to be Wolverene and Beast and I was so happy because I just wanted to be Cyclops. Home is when we reported Ray. Home is when I was jealous of Spencer because you had never called me your brother. Home is when I told you I cut and you got mad at me. Home is when I would read the songs you were writing in Health class and never get caught. Home is every single memory of you and I. I miss us. Us against the world. I used to swear one day that we'd rule it. And everybody who had bullied you would be banished. I remember thinking one day that no one really knew me but you. Still nobody does. Nobody really knows how much it hurts to be me Ryan. I try to keep everyone happy but I can't. I want all my friends to be happy but I want to be happy too. I act like I am and you know that but I have nobody to cry to anymore. I let everyone cry to me. And yeah I have new friends who I've gone to for help but damnit they don't understand me Ryan. I ALWAYS feel like screaming that I want to go home but I am and I sound and feel so stupid all the time. You and me, we're a team. Always. I'm always on your side, even when you're wrong. You're all I have when my family is fighting and I feel like tearing my skin open. I wanted to call you tonight. To know that you're still here. Because I really need you here. And yeah, I probably would've ended up crying, and telling the truth about this year, but I want to do that. I told you that I was happy, but I wasn't. You didn't know how bad it was. Because my other half shouldn't have to deal with another best friend to worry about. She shouldn't. It wouldn't have been fair to you. I was afraid of how you'd react because you reacted badly the first time. Ryan I don't want you to be sad. I don't want anybody to be sad. But I fucking need you. I needed you most this year. I wanted to die. And at the end of school? That was the worst. I just wanted to kill myself. I'm so sorry.

I'll build you a castle in the sky someday. I promise. You'll be the queen, and I'll be your advisor. We'll rule the fuckin world. Nobody will be mean or hateful, no one will fight, and everyone will want to be just like you. Because you're amazing in every single way. You're beautiful, talented, and kind. You have more personality than anyone I've ever met. You are truly you. And that is the best. Don't ever change. I love you. Don't ever forget that. You will never be imperfect in my eyes.

~Dallon"

I look at my now shaking hands and sigh.

Ryan where are you?

I know he lives just down the street, but he has plans tonight, with Spencer.

I don't want to be alone tonight.

I hear my phone notify me of a text and I reach over to grab it, discarding the box and Ryan's note on the floor.

1 New Message From Brendon. The screen flashes at me.

I oppen it and smile, seeing that he wants me to come over.

Thank You

_____________________________________________

wtf am I doing. Don't hate me. I apologize. Technically I already had this written like a month ago so that's why it's a new sory and not WIDS