Dear Josh,
You've already lost someone.
I know. And I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that all of this time has been wasted on feeling small. And being enough, or rather, not being enough. I could try and explain why I'm doing this but it wouldn't come out right and I just don't think you'd understand. I can't replace the way it feels when seasons change, or the way that hurts me so much just when I have to say goodbye. I can't say my goodbyes, you know it's better that way. Fuck. Fuck. I love you. And I don't know why we're still friends. Because I told myself not to get close to you. You know that, right? I told myself not to get close to you because I knew Oh had already lost too much. But here I am writing this like a fucking asshole with shiny shoes. Which is pretty much all that I am. I'm sitting alone in a tiny, empty room and I'm empty too. It's easy to say that it's for the best... Ya know, all of the times I talked about relapse and recovery like I knew shit about it. I wasn't really better. I talked like it was in my past and joked about it when I was still hurting every single day. And yeah maybe it's all in my head, but I just can't let it out. And I never know what I'm supposed to be versus what's enough. I couldn't not leave you a note. I don't know what you want to hear from me. That this is a joke? That I'm okay, safe in bed listening to music with my stuffed animals and oversized jacket and always getting cold and always needing hugs and never being real but I can't do that anymore. I can't. And I'm so sorry. I really want you to get where your heart is taking you. And if someone doesn't treat you right, fuck them. Remember that you're trying. You're trying your hardest and if you feel like you can't do it you're wrong. You're wrong because I know you, and I know that you have more spirit and hope than anyone else. And don't let anyone take that from you. Ever. I love you.
We'll toast what could have been,
My dearly departed.
To: My dearly departed.
Not to my lover dearest, that took me from you.
-Dallon