Theo made four tapes one for each of our sons. One for the people of the kingdom and one for me.

I put the tape in the old tv and start watching. It takes a second for the camera to get used to the light. Theo sighs and backs up. He sits down. He's sitting in his royal study. He sighs again and wipes a tear from his eyes. "April, when you are watching this I reckon I'll be dead. Which shall not be to far away. First of all I am sorry April, I know this will hurt you and I really hope my passing was peaceful and as normal as possible but I can't see into the future, can I?" He smiles. I smile through my tears. "My love. You'll always be my sun and stars, you'll be the love of my life. I wish I could've grown old with you. I'm sorry I didn't. But stay there for a while, without me there's still dewdrops on the morning leaves, roses in the woods and snow on an April morning. There's still life and there's still the memory of us and even more important our beautiful children. I am sorry if I left you, I never meant to be like this but sometimes it gets too heavy to hold. I wish my brother would've said these things to me. I wish I was less damaged, I wish I was normal but a little scratch makes a ring unique. I will always love you, je t'aime, je t'aime de tout mon âme"

I'm writing a letter so I don't feel so hollow.

I remember stopping with smoking when you left town. I didn't start again when you came back. Even when my hands ached to smoke with you. I remember that after the search you needed to go to the hospital. I knew you were already half dead.  They told me your cancer had spread to your brain unknown to the doctors till a few days ago. When the doctors confirmed it I grabbed the lighter he gave me just before he went out, I went to a shop to buy your brand of cigarettes and I smoked my first in more than four years. It tasted and smelt like you. After your funeral I was standing by your grave, smoking a cigarette and today as I'm writing this for my son to tell our story. This is the last cigarette I'll smoke. This lighter will be a possession of our son from now on and it will be used for things like candles. Let's stop destroying ourselves and carrying on the dysfunctionality of our lives. I love you Theodore. I love you to bits.

You have no idea how I cried. You have no idea how I mourned, well you probably do. I wish I could've said goodbye to you. You knew, I know you knew and I don't know if I will ever forgive you for it but when I look at your royal portrait I don't see a king, I don't see a prince. I see an lover, I see an angel, I can feel your eyes drifting through the room as if you'd protect it with your heart. For me you're not prince Clement, you're not the prince of Wales, you're not lord Cavendish, to me you are Theo, the same boy that ran through the woods, the same boy that cried when he was sent away, the same man that while choking on his own tears made people's life so much better. My husband and my forever love. And I already know that deep down I have forgiven you.

I lay down my pen and look at our son. Although his original name was Armand he chose to change his name with my help he chose, clarence Timothy armand Cavendish Windsor, the next heir to the throne. The first adopted heir to the throne. I look at him. He is riding your horse. He looks exactly like you although I don't know how. I don't think it's the genes (obviously) it's the way you carry yourself. I love him and our life with the royals is perfect. And despite all of this. Despite my peace with your death, our two son's smiles, your home I live in, the joy of being able to afford a house for my mother and tuition for my sister it still stings me and I'm still asking everyday, why didn't you choose to stay?