Two weeks later

Theo pov

I'm getting ready for the funeral. My father will be buried in the family cemetery. I'm white as a sheet. I wipe away my tears. I promised myself not to cry. I don't feel sad necessarily but I feel regret we couldn't solve our problems before he goes six feet under. My heart is heavy and my mind is slow. I look at myself in the mirror when I realize I have my father's title now.  I'm wearing a very modest Black double breasted suit I got this one with my dad and it's a miracle it still fits. It's baggier than before, I can feel I put off some weight after buying this suit. I tie my hair into a low bun and put on my father signet ring. Well, keep yourself in check Theodore. You're okay, why would you cry for a man who gave you no love. I can't hold it in. I break down and fall to my knees. I feel ashamed for all of this. I can't make myself not love him no matter how hard I try. I walk downstairs my whole family is there. Everyone is dressed in black. I try not to cry everytime someone says sorry for your loss. I can't find my mom in the crowd. I bump into my cousin "I'm so sorry. Have you seen my mom?" I notice that he has grown so much. He looked exactly like basil did. I swallow to get the lump out of my throat. This is one of the things I hate the most. Funerals, weddings and holidays. You might understand the first one but the two others are quite weird and I'm aware of that. I walk towards Bartholomew, the head of the staff. "Have you seen mom?" "I'm sorry mylord, I haven't." I begin to look for her when I realize she might be in the attic, she loved it there she used to paint there when she was young. She isn't allowed to go there anymore because of the risky staircase. I run through the house hoping I won't sweat too much when I find her. My whole body freezes.

She's laying at the bottom of the stairs, face down. I check her pulse, there's a light one. I rush downstairs. "Someone call 112" I rush upstairs again and my grown cousins follow me. One has a phone in his hand. "112, what's your emergency?" "My mom fell down the stairs she has a weak pulse. Oh and you should maybe know that she has dementia." 

They carry my mom into the ambulance. I'm biting my nails from all the stress. I can't bear all of this anymore. The hospital feels cold and my suit seems wildy inappropriate. One of my cousins is here with me for support. I can't take it and tears start to roll down my face my expression doesn't change, I just let them go. I can't bear this. The body under the stairs reminded me of my brother. It was the same stairs. He hung himself. I was the one to find him. I still can't erase that memory even if I wanted to. I resist the urge to put on sunglasses so people can't see me cry. A nurse comes towards us. I immediately stand up. "Mister Cavendish, I'm very sorry but you Mum has a tumor in her brain, it damaged the part of the brain that controls your heart etc. I'm sorry but we can't do much for her except helping to make the death the least painful. You don't have much time sir." I nod. "Thank you for being so forthcoming." My body is loaded with stress and misery. I can't keep myself in check. "Excuse me." I walk to wards the toilets. As soon as I'm in there I throw up. My tears fall unto the ground. "Oh fuck me..." I close my eyes. 

I walk into the room. My mom is laying in the hospital bed. I remember what that felt like. I remember how I felt laying on that bed. I felt worthless and I felt like a disappointment. "Ah basil you're here. Go get your brother, he's always late." She says in a quite demanding tone. I smile. "I'm sorry mom, Theo is in London, he won't make it today. He has a busy life you know" I say in the most caring voice I can produce. I don't want to tell her about basil. Than she will simply think I'm a bad child. I'm a worthless disappointment. "I really need to teach Theodore some manners, he doesn't even care about his family. I can't tolerate those low family standards. He's fourteen what would he be doing? He isn't busy he's just tired." I swallow. I can't bear this weight. I pick up my coat. "Mom, these people will treat you very very well. I'll be back in the morning. I hope I'll get Theo with me." She kisses me goodbye with a tenderness I don't know from my mom. I walk out of the room. My heart is hurting and my body feels like it's going to fall apart.

I arrive home. I throw my coat on a chair and walk towards the liquor cabinet when I feel dizzy. Before know what's happening everything goes black. I wake up not long after. My head hurts because of the marble floor. I stand up. That was weird. I shake the thought from my head. I get some Irish whiskey and pour myself a glass. I sit down. I'm still wearing the suit. I take my cufflinks off my shirt and roll up my sleeves. The reveal my wrists. Both my wrists are riddled with white scars. I look at them. On one of my wrist is a relatively small tattoo of a king from chess, I only have that one to cover up my biggest scar on my wrist. It's vertical because I knew how to kill yourself correctly, well, it didn't succeed so maybe not. All my other tattoos are somewhere you can't see them. They all have meanings and most have to do with Greek mythology. I sip from my liquor and chuckle. How unfortunate, my mom thinks I'm a bad son, she's gonna die, the funeral isn't just over with and I feel like absolute crap. Maybe even worse than when I last thought about cutting. I sigh and start to laugh at myself. poor me, poor me. I'm so fucking dramatic. I pour another drink. I really need someone to support me right now. I look through my phone but can't find a contact which is appropriate to be dramatic to. I almost want to call Lachlan but decide against it. My thumb hovers over April's contact. April and I have been doing very much lately, I taught him how to properly ride a horse again. We played polo together, went to botanical gardens. He showed me rare flowers they sometimes buy on demand. We relearned how to knit and we are sewing a dress for April. I was always the more talented tailor of us. We planned to paint on the land tomorrow. I light a cigarette and as soon as I inhale I feel a sting in my chest. I cough. What a miserable night.