[스물 둘] See What I've Become
"He was one of the good things, too."
~Maggie Greene (Rhee)
"This is a nice change of scenery," Glenn mocked, examining the cell in front of them.
"It's a prison cell," Rick cast a weary look towards the other man.
"I was being sarcastic," Glenn glowered. His eyes were growing darker as each second passed. "So am I supposed to live my life here? As one prisoner to another?"
"No, I want to meet with the council to discuss a sentence. It won't be a life sentence or anything like that. It'll be one that fits the crime. I plan to have you in here a few yea-"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" Glenn lunged at Rick, punching him in the teeth. Instantly, Rick's mouth started to bleed.
"THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE LOCKED UP IS YOU! WHAT I DID ISN'T ANY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU DID! THAN WHAT ANYONE HAS DONE!" Glenn never gave Rick the chance to defend himself, continuing to hit him over and over.
"G-Glenn! S-Stop!" Rick blocked his fist, kicking him away. He got up shakily, wiping away the blood on his face.
"THINK ABOUT IT, RICK! I TRIED FIXING THE MESS YOU PUT US IN AS A LEADER! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO THOUGHT WE SHOULD GO TO WAR WITH THE SAVIORS! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PUT MAGGIE INTO THE RV TO SEE THE DOCTOR AT HILLTOP! WHY? BECAUSE YOU LUSTED AFTER A WOMAN WHO WAS MARRIED TO THE ONLY DOCTOR HERE! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PROVOKED HIM AND KILLED HIM! Glenn took a step closer to Rick with each sentence he completed, cornering the former. "YOU ARE THE ONE HERE WITH BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS!"
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE KILLED HER YOURSELF!" Glenn's voice suddenly dropped. "And I should have never made you leader."
Rick's hand reacted before his mind could. He struck Glenn across the cheek, sending him against the wall.
"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT?" Rick roared, shoving Glenn with all his might.
"ME BEING HERE IS PROOF YOU DON'T!" Glenn collided his body with Rick's; both tumbling to the ground.
"I'm not- I never meant-" Rick said in-between breaths as he got out of Glenn's grasp. He pushed Glenn once again against the wall, not allowing him to fight back. Rick subdued him, putting enough pain onto the man's body to let it buckle under his restraint. Glenn sank to the floor, sobbing into the palms of his hands. Rick slowly backed away, trying to get out of the cell before Glenn snapped again.
Suddenly, Glenn sprang back up and threw himself at Rick with a look of murder in his eyes. Rick slammed the cell door shut just as Glenn's fingers reached the bars. He latched onto the bars and shook them with a violent fury as Rick locked the cell.
"I'm sorry this happened to you," Rick said somberly, never taking his eyes off Glenn's. Glenn only panted as he saw Rick's tears meet the blood streaks, washing them away.
Rick could only lower his head in shame and overwhelming guilt as he left Glenn in the dark cell.
~
Her walk mimicked one of a walker. Her back was arched; she couldn't stand or hold her head up straight.
The bag around her arm swayed with each heavy step she took. Its contents filled with things that belonged to Alexandria, not to her.
The stretch to the gates seemed like a long one, but she had all the time in the world.
Or maybe she had none. Maybe her time had run out.
It made no difference.
She reached the gate in what seemed like an eternity, using all of her strength to open it. There was no guard and she didn't expect differently.
She threw her bag into the back of the truck she had arrived in, pausing to steady herself on the tailgate.
"Heading back to Hilltop already?" A voice called from behind her.
Sasha didn't need to turn to know who it belonged to. "I'm not going to Hilltop. I'm leaving... away from here. And I don't care where I end up."
"But I care," Abraham went up beside her, taking out her bag. Sasha quickly grabbed onto it and tugged it out of his grasp.
"Jesus can lead. He should have from the beginning..." Sasha brushed by the man towards the driver's side. "His claim to Hilltop would have at least been genuine and not built on a lie."
"Sasha, is that the whole reason you're leaving?" Abraham followed her, preventing her from getting into the truck.
Sasha shook her head disappointedly. "No... not all of it. But all of this...what was it even all for?"
"We won a war...We couldn't have done that without you, Sasha."
"You weren't there when it happened, Abe." The events Sasha was talking about didn't register in Abraham's mind until after she stopped talking.
"I could have just accepted our new life like Rick did. It would have been so much easier to just give up... I wanted to. I never had a chance to grieve for Maggie! Instead, I pushed my grief aside and rose up to fight. I wasn't going to let her murderer-her child's murderer walk away! But I focused on me, Abe! Not her husband! We all focused on our rage and vengeance when Glenn needed us most! I failed- I failed her!" Sasha fell to her knees; her grief finally engulfing her after months of being repressed. "She would have wanted us to look after him!"
Abraham could only wrap his arms protectively around her, falling to the ground beside her. He said nothing; only listening to her sob incoherently over how she failed not only as a leader, but as a best friend.
~
Rosita's fingers brushed across her lips absentmindedly. Her eyes were cast towards the pulpit, but her mind was elsewhere.
Her mind kept racing over everything that occurred in the last 24 hours.
Glenn. The trial. Dwight. Rick.
Her mouth twitched into a small at the last thought, but quickly turned into a grimace at the thought of Glenn.
She slammed her fist against the pew in front of her, cursing herself for her folly and cowardice. She could have done more for Glenn; she should have prevented all of this.
"And here I was always mad at Eugene for being cowardly...when I was the real coward," She choked, lowering her head so her tears would fall straight down.
"Rosita," Father Gabriel sat beside her, looking at her concernedly. "You're not a coward. You're one of the bravest people I know. What happened wasn't your fault; it is the tragedy of life."
"I thought our lives would be worthwhile...I thought we would finally earn our happy ending," Rosita reflected on her moment with Rick. "And for a moment I believed it."
"We can still have that. This was just a bump in the road. I plan to ask Rick to show mercy towards Glenn. He is part of that happy ending and it is the right thing to do," Gabriel looked sentimentally at the woman next to him.
"Everyone that died... deserves to be in my place. Things could have turned out differently. Eugene could still be alive. Carol, Daryl, Enid, Maggie, her kid- Glenn wouldn't be in some dark cell! He wouldn't be this..."
Gabriel leaned in closer to Rosita, whose eyes burned with hot tears. " Rosita, even this fool can see you belong here. That we need you. Just like we need Glenn. He is the most hopeful person here and we can't lose him... I believe that he can return to us. You and he are both worthwhile."
"He is. But I don't really know why I'm even here... I screwed up too many times. And seeing Glenn like this is my greatest regret. Well, it's up there with how I treated Eugene," Rosita folded her arms over her chest.
"Eugene gave his life to ensure we could live on. Don't pity what happened between you two. Instead, see his sacrifice. Just like I see what Glenn did as a sacrifice."
"Sacrifice? How did Glenn sacrifice..?" Rosita was at a loss for words.
"I don't know for certain, but I believe he did what he did so that none of us would have to. He is the sole one carrying this weight of guilt over Oceanside."
Rosita remained silent, mulling over this. Finally, she asked, "How can you stay so positive when everything is burning in hell-fire?"
"Our hearts are still beating and anything is possible as long as they don't stop. We still have a purpose."
~
Eric leaned in the doorway, watching Aaron drink a glass of whiskey. Aaron ignored his presence, tipping the glass back instead. He let the sensation burn his tongue, let it burn down his pain and memories.
"And you didn't think to pour me a glass?" Eric questioned, moving in closer into the living room where Aaron sat.
Aaron continued to ignore him, staring at the glass in his hand dazedly.
"I thought you didn't drink," Eric furrowed his brows.
"I don't," Aaron retorted, moving to fill his glass back up. Eric grabbed his arm, preventing him from doing so.
"I saw the packed clothes. So you're finally leaving me?" Eric released his grip, sinking down beside him.
"We can both go. Leave Alexandria and-" Aaron started to say, but was interrupted.
"And ride off into the sunset?" Eric smiled. "I wished, but we both know that isn't possible."
"Not anymore. It doesn't work like that anymore," Aaron said quietly before breaking down. Eric, albeit surprised, moved in to comfort him.
"I don't want to leave this place, not really. But what happened wasn't justice...despite what Rick said. I don't think I can stay here knowing how things are."
"Things have always been that way. Even before all this happened. You of all people should know justice doesn't exist. Neither in this world or the old one."
"I thought it did...Or at least it could here," Aaron stated sadly.
Eric thought about this for a moment, knowing that what he was about to say could do more harm than good. "I never wanted to go to war with The Saviors. I wanted both of us alive and there was a possibility that wouldn't happen if we fought them again. But I decided to because of you. Daryl was our close friend. I knew you cared a lot about Maggie. You wouldn't have let this go; it would have eaten you up..."
Aaron remained silent, looking straight ahead at nothing in particular. "I just want- I need to know if we- if I made the right decision. Because right now-" Aaron's voice started to crack. "I feel so lost."
"The only thing we're allowed to do is believe we won't regret the choice we made. And whatever you believe- whatever you choose I'll be with you. I don't regret what I choose. I'll weep and grieve for what's happened. But I'll never regret."
Aaron swallowed his emotions, taking in every word Eric said. "Okay... I think I'll be alright.. not today or anytime soon. But we're together and that alone is something that will make me smile again.... one day."
~
The katana sliced through every and any walker that stood in Michonne's path. A trail of their headless bodies followed her from outside of Alexandria's walls to a field with an abandoned car.
There weren't enough walkers in Alexandria to quench her anguish; to silence her pain.
She sheathed her sword, climbing atop the car. She looked into the open field that glowed amongst the setting sun. She imagined the field in flames, burning the forest that stood a few feet away. She envisioned the night Oceanside burnt to ash right before her eyes.
She didn't even realize she was crying, but her wet cheeks said otherwise. Alone and far away, Michonne let herself grieve after so long of hiding it. There had never been a private moment, a quiet moment to do so.
The low growl of a walker snapped her back to the present; the stumbling being coming straight towards the car.
She wiped her eyes, preparing her katana once again. She had just jumped off the car when the whizz of an arrow hit the walker in the skull. Dwight stood in the forest line, but this did not convince Michonne to lower her sword.
"I could have handled it, you know," Michonne called out to him, placing the weapon back in its case. She stood by the car warily, unsure of what Dwight was up to.
"I know." Dwight sat down on the opposite side of the car, his back leaning up against its side. "But I also wanted to take out some of my anger."
"Oh," Michonne nodded, understanding he had seen the bodies. There was an awkward silence between them; both unsure what to say now.
"Why are you angry?" Michonne asked, sliding down to lean up against the car as well. "I thought you had gotten everything you wanted."
"I thought I did too. Until today," Dwight sighed; a deep sadness coming over him. Michonne shared in that same sadness, remaining quiet for a few moments.
"...I should hate Glenn like I should hate you. You forced us into this. This happened... all of this... happened because of you. But I don't. I can't," Michonne tilted her head back, shutting her eyes.
"I'm used to people hating me by now... and it's alright. I hate myself too. And I know you all can forgive Glenn. I know eventually you all will forgive me because that's who you all are. But I don't think I can ever forgive myself."
Michonne let these words hang between them; unable to say anything more because right now she couldn't forgive Dwight. So they just sat in peaceful silence, listening to nature's sounds for the first time.
~
Deep in the woods, Carl sat at the hidden place he had shared with Enid. He had his father's Colt Python with him, which had somehow survived the battle at the Sanctuary somehow.
He cleaned it from the blood and grime it had collected, focusing on nothing else but the task at hand. When he had finished that, he started reloading the chamber. Rage was his driving force right now. He believed he was past the point of grief and sorrow and could only experience wrath.
After everything that happened,
At the sound of approaching footsteps, Carl quickly raised the gun in its direction. This time he would be the one to kill; this time he wouldn't be a victim.
However, it was only Sherry. She looked startled at the gun pointed at her, but Carl lowered it and started unloading it. Why was she here? When he saw her from the corner of his eye still standing there, he grudgingly asked, "Why are you even out here?"
"I was with Dwight, but he went off on his own somewhere. He said he wanted to be alone, so I'm trying to find my way back," She cautiously walked towards him.
"Just keep going straight and you'll eventually get to the wall," Carl responded curtly. He had no intention of talking to her or entertaining her. He wanted nothing to do with her or her husband.
Sherry said her thanks, but the sight of green balloons and the letters "JSS" carved onto the tree beside Carl caught her attention. Carl felt her stare and he snapped his head to look at her angrily.
"What?" He asked bluntly.
"The balloons and the letters... what are they for?"
"Why do you care?" Carl got back to his work, wanting her to leave before things really got out of control.
"I care 'cause I owe everything to your people. I want to see Alexandria survive, but right now it looks like it's all going to hell in a handbasket," Sherry paused, taking a deep breath. "They're for the girl, aren't they? Enid?"
"...Yeah..."
Sherry knelt beside the boy, examining the hardened eye that did not fit in his youthful face. "I know how it feels to not be able to talk anyone. I know how it feels to be alone and scared and angry."
"You don't anything about how I feel. I'm not scared, not anymore," He said quietly.
The stars started to shine above them as dusk fell. They both gazed up, taking in the forgotten sight. Sherry had been so caught up in the evening sky that she almost didn't hear Carl speak up.
"I lost everyone I could talk to. There was a girl named Sofia, then a man named Shane, then my mom, then a boy named Patrick, then Beth who was Maggie's sister, and then Enid."
"What about your dad? You can talk to him."
"He's gone too... and even if he wasn't, I don't want to get close to anyone if they all will just die in the end. Yeah, I'm still his son, but I don't want that relationship."
Sherry could have easily offered advice about how he couldn't live like that. It would only hurt more. It would only make everything so much harder.
But she knew that wasn't what he wanted or needed to hear at the moment. Instead, she did the only thing that seemed appropriate at the moment. She embraced him tightly and told him that she would be the one to listen to him. Because that is what he needed; because maybe if someone would have listened before all of this could have been prevented.
Carl froze, processing what was happening. He didn't expect her to do this. He expected those typical adult lectures.
But she was right, he did need to hear this right now. Even if he didn't hug her back or let her see his tears.
~
Judith sat on the floor, looking up at Tara. She had a doll in her hand, but she ignored it. She was too interested in Tara.
"I don't know why you keep looking at me. I've got nothing to say," Tara said, staring down at her.
"Why should I say anything? It only leads to more pain. More war. More bloodshed. That's what happened last time," Tara's guilt was forcing her to vent to the toddler, who understood none of it.
Judith stretched out her arms, signaling for Tara to carry her. Tara sighed, gently picking her off the ground. She started to bounce her, causing the girl to laugh. Tara couldn't help but smile at this innocent display.
But something outside the upstairs window caught her eye. Cindy was passing by and she looked extremely depressed.
Tara waved to get her attention, which did. Tara gestured for Cindy to come up into the house, which she complied with. Cindy was curious to hear how Tara was going to excuse herself and she imagined herself snapping at the woman. She wanted to take out all her frustration on the woman who betrayed her.
"Cindy, I'm sorry. I broke the promise to your group. If I knew it would have led to this... I would have..." Tara swallowed hard. "I would have let our group live under The Saviors. I would have let us work for them."
Cindy looked on angrily at Tara, taking in every word she said. "I understand why you did it. But you still had no right to! Our lives mattered too! Not just yours!!"
"I know..."
"No apology can make me forgive you!! And no trial can make me forgive what he did!! But neither will his death or anyone else's..." Cindy's voice dropped as she looked at the tiny child.
"I'm so sorry," Tara placed Judith back in her crib, stroking her hair. Her tears dripped onto the small mattress as she thought about how in another life, in another situation, they could have been great friends. She was sure of it.
Cindy remained stoic as she approached the crib. She gazed down at Judith, thinking of how such an innocent creature could be born into a world like this.
"There were children who also died. I hoped that they didn't suffer long... Unlike me..."
Tara muffled her wail, falling apart when she had just picked herself back up again. No life was worth this, but they all deserved this punishment. They deserved to feel this shame and agony for the rest of their days. This suffering was unlike anything they had ever gone through; it was too unimaginable to bear.
"Do you want to die, Tara?" Cindy looked at her pitifully.
"Y-yes. I want to d-die."
"So do I."
Tara went up to Cindy and took her hand silently. "Make me a promise then. And don't break it like me," She stated in-between sobs. "Promise me you will live."
~
"That should be all, Rick," Irene had finished cleaning and bandaging his wounds. Rick smiled wanly at her, thanking her as he got off the cot.
He exited and Irene's plastered grin fell off her face instantly. She started to sterilize her medical instruments, examining them intensely. She gazed at her reflection in the stainless steel, caressing the tools gently.
"These Alexandrians are truly helpless," She reflected. "Just like I used to be..."
Her mind wandered to one patient who recently had a pregnancy scare. She was really vulnerable and would have been in serious trouble if she was indeed pregnant. Not only because pregnancies were life-threatening, but because the child might have been Negan's.
Irene could only imagine the fallout from the patient's actual husband and Alexandria's newest prisoner.
She had to be in the kitchen in a few minutes. She had been the one to volunteer to deliver food to the cell. She couldn't be late.
~
Glenn sat in the deep shadows of the cell, perking up when the door suddenly opened.
A woman came into the room and pushed a tray into the jail slot. It hit the floor loudly, startling Glenn.
He slowly picked it up and took a bite out of it. "This is really good," He complimented.
The silhouette put her hands on her hips, keeping silent at this.
"Do you think I could get some medical attention?"
"You'll live," Irene finally spoke. "It's not like you're scared of a little blood, are you?"
Glenn frowned at this, continuing to eat his meal. Irene stared him down for a few minutes before turning on her heel.
"Have a good night," She called out as she left, shutting the door hard.
Glenn kicked the tray away from him. "It's going to be a long night...isn't it.." He turned around and lied down on the cold floor.
As he shut his eyes, cheerful whistling started to ring throughout the room.
"It sure is," Negan's voice whispered sadistically.
~
Two pairs of boots stood outside of Alexandria's walls. They had been watching the town for weeks now and it was finally time to go back.
The man and woman hopped into their armored vehicle that was a safe distance from being caught. They drove through the night back to D.C., arriving back at the castle in under an hour.
They marched through the castle into the garden, discussing what they witnessed these past weeks. As expected, their leader was tending to the massive garden that supplied their group.
"Commander Rhee," the pair saluted her. She turned to face them, wearing a similar uniform as the people who stood before her.
"It is like he said. There is a city known as Alexandria. It seems like it is a thriving community, but right now there seems to be turmoil," the man explained.
"...Prepare the vehicles and weapons. I'll take care of the rest," She smiled softly, already thinking ahead.
"Yes, ma'am!" They took their leave as the Commander looked proudly off into the yard, taking in the fresh air of a changing world.
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