21 // Truth Under The Stars

Thanks to my cousin, Jules, things got awkward.

Ngayong gabi ang stargazing event ng Café Mostaccio na sa field gaganapin. Papalalim na ang gabi kaya sobrang busy na ng mga tauhan sa pag-aasikaso. Naglalagay na sila ng blankets at pillows doon pero tumulong din kami.

Tuwing napapalapit si Jerrick sa akin ay magmamadali si Jules na pumagitna sa amin. Tulad ngayon.

"Sama ako," inosente niyang sabi. "Papunta na rin ako doon."

May hawak kaming tatlo na mga unan habang naglalakad papunta sa field.

"I thought tawag ka ni Tita Lar kanina?" I asked her.

"Hindi, hindi! 'Di niyo ako mapapaalis. Dito ako sa gitna nyo," masungit niyang sabi. Nilingon niya si Jerrick para tingnan nang masama.

Kapag ipinapaalala ni Jules iyon, gusto ko na lang talagang maging bula at mawala! Hiyang-hiya ako at hindi ko matingnan si Jerrick. Siya naman ay hindi rin makatawa. I know na excuse ko lang 'yon sa pinsan ko, but maybe he thought that it was too much?

Ugh! Kasalanan niya rin ito, e. Kung hindi naman kami nag-video call edi sana walang awkwardness ngayon.

Siguro kasalanan ko rin, dapat sinabi ko na lang kaagad. Eh pero kasi ayoko, so sa kanya ko na lang i-blame.

"Jerrick, attend ka mamaya?" tanong ng pinsan ko sa kanya.

"Yeah," he said, sumulyap pa siya sa akin. Sinundan tuloy ni Jules ng tingin iyon kaya dumapo ang mata niya sa akin.

"Okay! Share tayong apat sa pwesto. Sama kami ni Chris sa inyo," she said. Tiningnan niya ako. "Sa gitna niyo kami, and that's final."

She gave me a warning look before walking out. Mas binilisan niyang maglakad dahil tinawag siya ni Pol na nasa gitna na ng field.

Kahit maingay sa field ay tila wala akong marinig. Ang tahimik naming pareho nang mawalan kami ng ibang kasama.

Mabagal na kaming naglalakad. I'm contemplating if I should say something first or if I should just wait. But I figured that waiting was the best choice for me. Hindi pa ba ako nadadala sa mga nasabi ko dati?

"Vie, hindi mo ba sinabi sa pinsan mo that we didn't video call without..." he stopped and made indistinctive hand gestures.

Napapikit ako at pinigilan ang kamay niya. This is really embarassing! Tumigil kami sa paglalakad.

"Sinabi ko. I'm sorry..." I frowned. "Hindi ko alam na ganoon magiging reaksyon niya. Are you mad?"

"No, just a little pissed."

My eyes fell. I never thought that there'd be a day I won't be glad that I ticked him off. The scores on our invisible scoreboard were all rendered void. This is a crazy feeling, nanghihina ako. I could only hug the pillows tighter and its plastic cover made the only noise between us.

Kinuha niya ang yakap kong pillow. Now I felt bare. I didn't have anything where I could hide behind anymore.

"Hindi ako makalapit sayo..."

You could stay close... if you want to.

He smiled sarcastically. Umiling siya at napabuntong-hininga. Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at marahan akong hinila sa gitna ng field kung saan kami dapat pumunta. May distansya pa rin sa amin. It seemed like he didn't want to really anger my cousin so he kept the distance even when she's not around.

Malayo-layo ang distansya ng bawat blanket sa isa't isa. Each place has a varying blanket size that accommodates a specific number of people. May mga pupunta kasama ang tropa, merong kasama ang special someone, meron din namang mag-isa lang.

I saw Jules and Pol arranging pillows at a place near me. Iniwan ko si Jerrick sa inaayusan naming lugar, hindi rin naman kasi niya ako kinakausap.

I lightly grabbed my cousin's arms so I could drag her for a conversation.

Ngumiwi ako. "Jules kasi..."

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. Hindi siya nagsalita, hinihintay talaga niya akong magpatuloy.

Hindi ko na nga alam ang sasabihin ko sa kanya, e. Ayaw naman niya kasing maniwala sa akin.

"'Wag mo nang awayin si ano. Wala naman siyang ginawa," I said quietly.

"Bakit tunog lovesick ka? In love ka na ba, ha?" maldita niyang tanong.

I just pouted more. Hindi ko naman alam ang sagot dyan, na naman.

"Ah, basta!" Pumadyak ako. "Hindi ko naman gagawin yung inakala mong ginawa ko. Virgin pa kaya tayong lahat. Diba?"

Her eyes widened. Tinapik niya kaagad ang bibig ko. I groaned.

Totoo naman iyon? Wholesome kaya kaming girl cousins. Ganoon lang dapat kaming lahat until marriage. Kaya nagulat ako na maiisip niya iyon.

"Viennica! Lock your embarrassing mouth," pagod niyang sabi. Hinilot niya pa ang gilid ng noo niya.

I rolled my eyes heavenwards.

"At tsaka, akala ko ba ayaw mo dun? I'm doing you a favor now so he couldn't pester you. Oh, anong nangyari sayo ngayon, ba't ganyan?" pagtataas niya ng boses.

Kilala na kita cousin-dear, I know you're just juicing some tea out of me. Kita ko rin iyong tinatago niyang ngisi.

"Eh diba nga kanta ni Taylor Swift, I know people change and these things happen, but I remember how it was back then," I sang dramatically.

Her eyes rolled before walking out on me. I just laughed, wala siyang napala sa akin. Pero wala rin pala akong napala sa kanya, so I stopped laughing after I realized it.

When the night came, the stars took the spotlight from the moon. All of the stars shine a different light. And no matter how little or big they were, each star dazzled the way they radiantly should.

Nakabantay na ako rito sa pwesto namin. Halos occupied na ang lahat ng blankets dito.

Ginala ko ang paningin ko para hanapin sina Pol. I saw them from the other far side, silang tatlo nina Cara at Les. They have other people over, I just didn't know them by name.

"Hot chocolate," offered Jules after arriving from the mobile coffee bar.

Dahil libre, tinanggap ko naman. Pero mabigat pa rin loob ko sa kanya.

"Ayaw pa rin kitang katabi mamaya pagtulog. Just so we're clear." Taas-kilay ko siyang iniwasan ng tingin.

"Ang OA mo, ha."

"Ikaw kaya."

"Umamin ka na kasi. 'Di ko naman sasabihin kaagad kina Snooki."

Umupo siya sa tabi ko. Galing sa mobile coffee bar, nakita kong naglalakad pa lang si Jerrick at Chris pabalik dito sa amin.

"Wala nga kasi. Tanungin mo pa siya," sabi ko. Ngumuso ako sa direksyon ni Jerrick.

"Eh bakit kasi hindi niyo pa gawing official? Hindi naman ganyang kabagal 'yan dati, ah? Shet ha, ang hina ng manok ko sayo!" Halos manggigil siya eh.

Hindi ko talaga siya maintindihan. Nito lang, akala mo kasalanang tumabi si Jerrick sa akin kung makasita siya. Tapos ngayon, pinagpipilitan na naman kami.

Dumating na iyong dalawa rito. Si Chris ay pumwesto sa tabi ni Jules. Nang akmang paupo na si Jerrick sa tabi ko ay intensyonal na umubo ang pinsan ko. Her chin was perched up while watching Jerrick.

I nervously looked up to see him. He tilted his head to the side a little and harshly bit his lip. He stood up reluctantly to walk to the other side of the blanket.

A soft music engulfed our area. People here were also gently talking to their friends while watching the stars. Karamihan ng nandito ay mga kakilala ko na graduate students na rin at naghihintay na lang mag-martsa tulad ko.

I closed my eyes for a moment. My back laid flat on the blanket and the sky hovered above my face.

I couldn't help but get a bit emotional. I'm just happy that I graduated without a heavy heart. Because with my heart as light as this, I could now take time to discover a dream.

Hindi na ako magmamadali dahil lang may gusto akong patunayan sa ibang tao. Ngayon, ang dapat kong isipin ay kung ano ang magiging tingin ko sa sarili ko.

I am now my own critic. While the voices of the people that I love are loud in my heart, I know now that my own voice is louder. It should be louder, because that's where I'll listen to.

I may still be far from a notable character growth, but I will get there, slowly but surely.

By the time I opened my eyes, I was left with one person as a company. If I stretched my arms, I could definitely reach him. But now that I have my arms to myself, it felt like the distance between us was in miles.

I know I'm dramatic, I blame it on the stars.

"Nasaan sila?" I sneakily asked.

"They went to their blockmates Jules saw."

"Oh," I replied awkwardly.

He rolled over to one side. He used his arm to prop his head.

"Alone at last?" He chuckled unsurely.

"Takot ka kay Jules?" I bit my lips after asking. He's still far.

Ngumiti siya at napapikit. "Why do you ask? Is there something you want me to do?"

I shook my head uncontrollably fast. "No! Wala lang..."

Tawa na lang niya ang huli kong narinig bago kami muling binalot ng katahimikan. And as sudden as it was, the acoustic music made me feel like I needed to do something.

Umupo ako. I crossed my legs and slightly turned my body to his angle.

"Sorry," I bravely said. "Sorry I poured a hot cappuccino over your head awhile back."

His lips twitched, itching to break into an amused smile.

"Why are you suddenly sorry for it?"

I blew out a harsh breath. Actually, I'm proud with myself that I feel satisfied apologizing. It's a tap on the back for me.

"Wala lang. Dagdag self-growth," sagot ko. Tinawanan niya lang ako.

"If I'm being honest, I'd take your hot coffee over my head anytime. I don't know what I'll do if you go back in time and try to undo it."

Grabe naman siyang makapag-comfort.

Umiling ako. "Kung may time machine nga ako, hindi ko ulit 'yon gagawin if may chance."

His jaw clenched. Bumangon siya mula sa pagkakahiga. He sat right in front of me. Now he's too close.

"Why? Why won't you do it all over again?" he strongly questioned.

My brows meet in confusion. Anong trip nito? Gusto niya ulit mabuhusan ng coffee? Ganoon na ba kalamig ang gabi niya?

"Because... I am bettering myself?" unsure ko namang sabi. It's the obvious answer, ain't it?

"Vie," he started seriously. Iyong tono niya ay parang magle-lecture siya nang intense. Pinigilan kong tumawa.

"That coffee incident led us here," he said, his brows unrelaxed. "Bakit hindi mo ako bubuhusan? It's down to happen, don't try to change history if you could."

I eyed him softly. "Why are you so serious? I'm saying my sorry here already, oh. Ito diba yung hinihingi mo dati pa."

"'Di ko naman kailangan," masungit niyang sabi.

Natahimik siya sandali. Tinalikuran niya ako at tsaka bumulong. "Why won't she pour coffee on me? She has to."

Hinawakan ko ang labi ko habang nagpipigil ng tawa. He's got a big problem, huh?

I tapped my finger on his shoulder to call him. Hindi niya ibinalik ang katawan niya sa pagkakaharap sa akin. He only tilted his head a little so he could see me.

"Sungit mo naman," I joked gently.

He just hissed. "I have my own type of withdrawal."

May binulong ulit siya pero hindi ko na narinig. Tumingala na lang ako sa langit. People... I don't get them most times.

I heard him exhaled loudly after a while. "Hindi ka ba manunuyo?" seryoso niyang tanong.

My jaw dropped. Hindi ko na napigilan tumawa. What the heck?

"Hindi," I said, still laughing. Ito pala ang pakiramdam ng amused!

Umiiling siyang tumayo. Once again, he seriously said, "I'm walking out. Follow me."

Naglakad na nga siya palayo. Imbes na sundan ko ay humiga na lang ulit ako.

May nagpapaalam ba bago mag-walkout? Crazy!

Ilang segundo lang ay bumalik siya. Naiinis siyang lumapit sa akin, this time he left no distance in between.

"Huh? Akala ko ba magwa-walkout ka?" I pretended to be confused, still suppressing a laugh.

"Tapos na," he snarled. "Hindi mo ako sinundan kaya bumalik na ako."

Tinalikuran niya ako pero isiniksik niya ang likod niya sa gilid ko. I covered my mouth and laughed inaudibly. Good heavens, this is going to be an interesting night.