16.

After the festivities of the Foundation Week is the preparation for the finals week. Dalawang lingo nalang ay matatapos na ang first semester. Halos lahat ng mga madaanan mong estudyante ay naghahabol sa lessons at requirements. Tuluyan ng natapos ang kasiyahan ng nakaraang lingo at bumalik na kami na sa normal na atmosphere ang university.

Sa college namin kanya kanya silang paraan ng paghahabol ng grades. Ang mga madalang pumasok noon ngayon ay halos araw araw ng nakikita. Punuan ang mga Library at reading places. Madami kang estudyanteng makikitang may naglalakad habang hawak ang notes at nagme-memorize. Frustration and anxiety are written on their faces. At kapag dumating ang finals week ay mas double ito.

Hindi maiwasan na ganoon din ang maramdaman ko. Hindi nawawala ang pressure tuwing exams. Kapag nasa classroom my classmates would often stare at me, wondering how can they get the same grades. Mas naging competitive at heated ang mga discussions. Minsan nagkakasagutan pa. It’s a dog eat dog world. Halos lahat gustong manguna at maungusan ang iba.

One evening while I’m having dinner with my parents Dad asked me about the upcoming finals week.

“I heard it’s your finals next week.” sinabi niya.

Napa-paused ako sa pagkain. “Yes, Dad.”

“Make sure you’ll remain at the top of your class. Hwag mong hayaan na may makahabol sayo.”

Umiwas ako ng tingin bago sumagot. “Yes, Dad.”

It was a routine. I have to agree. Dahil lalaki lamang ang usapan kapag may sinabi akong iba. It was all a race for him. Nothing more but statistics and grades and who’s going to be on top.

Bumalik ako sa kwarto matapos ang dinner at muling humarap sa mga kadangkal na mga libro na nasa study table. My parents provided me with everything I needed to make sure my grades will turn out well. Kahit mga libro na hindi kasama sa requirements ay binibili nila para sa akin. Tuwing nagre-review ay hindi nila ako ini-storbo.

But deep inside, I’m suffocated. It’s not about learning anymore but to be on top in the most efficient way possible. I love learning new things but whenever I review my lessons I have this uncanny worry that I will mess up, that I will not meet my parents and people’s expectation of me. And sometimes I just want to get away from the pressure and not care to be on top for once.

—-

Finals week are no work week in the office. Kailangan namin mag focus para sa darating na finals. Thankfully ay nagawa na namin ang karamihan sa mga articles tungkol sa nakaraang Foundation Week. Kahit ang mga kasama ko ay seryoso sa pagrereview o paghahabol ng requirements. Madalang lamang kaming makompleto noong lingong yon. Minsan nakakasalubong ko na lamang sila sa campus at doon magbabatian.

Halos lahat ng aking free time ay nakalaan sa pagre-review. I’m on the library of reader’s sanctuary most of the time. Dahil sa dami ng mga bagong nangyari nitong unang semester ay nanibago ako sa finals. Madalas ilang lingo bago ang finals nakapagreview na ako. Pero dahil sa mga responsibilities ko sa Arcadian, ngayon palang ako nakapag focus sa pagreview. And I admit it’s taking its toll on me. I’m not used to rushing.

Habang nasa reader’s sanctuary ako noong hapong yon, hindi ko mapigilan na ipikit ang aking mga mata at umidlip. Wala pa akong maayos na tulog magmula noong matapos ang Foundation Week. These past few nights, I often spend my evenings reviewing my notes with a mug of steaming coffee to keep me awake.

Habang nakaupo sa bench at nakasandal ang noo ko sa libro ng accounting, naramdaman ko ang pagdating ng kung sino sa shed kung nasaan ako. Umupo ito sa tapat ko. Ramdam ko ang tingin niya sa akin.

“Hindi ka nanaman natutulog ng maayos, no?”

Kahit hindi ako tumingala, alam ko kung kaninong boses yon. Binuksan ko ang aking mga mata ngunit nanatiling nakasandal ang noo sa libro. Hindi ko alam kung bakit subalit gusto kong manatili muna sa position ko. I want to block the world for now. I don’t want to exist for now.

“Napapagod ka na ba?”

Hindi ako sumagot. Ramdam ko ang hindi banayad na tibok ng puso ko dahil sa pagpupuyat at pinagsamang pressure ng pagru-rush. Hindi ko gustong maramdaman ito. Pero ito ang natural na reaction ko kapag kailangan ko ng mag focus ulit sa academics. My classmates are competitive. Madali akong maalis sa position ko kung magpapabaya ako. I need to keep up.

“Do you ever feel the urge to leave?” tanong ko.

Naramdaman kong natigilan siya.

“Leave.” ulit ko. “Leave the place where you grow. Leave the pressure and the expectations. Start a life you always dream of. Where you can be yourself. Where you can pursue what you ache for.”

“Isabelle…”

“I’m doing everything here. But why am I not happy?” I asked. “Why do I feel suffocated? Why do I feel the need to escape my own life?”

Ramdam ko ang titig niya sa akin.

“Maybe because you are not in the place where you want to be. You are not who you supposed to be.”

I stared at my pale hands stained with ball pen ink from too much solving and writing earlier.

“Pero ano nga bang gusto ko, Gavin?” tanong ko. “I don’t even know myself anymore. Those grades are the only basis of my identity. Without them I’m nothing. I’m no one. Kaya natatakot din akong mawala yon.”

Namayani ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. Mahangin at maaliwalas sa campus noong hapong yon. But I feel a storm within me. I started to question my decisions. I started to question if I’m doing things because I wanted to or because I know other people want it to see from me.

And it’s hard. Because I started to realize I’m nothing. Without the grades and recognition there’s nothing left of me.

“Then create one.”

Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni Gavin.

“Sometimes it’s not about finding yourself, Isabelle. It’s creating yourself. Create someone you can be proud of.”

Marahan akong napangiti sa sinabi niya.

“I’m proud of who I am when I’m with The Arcadian.” sinabi ko nang hindi parin tumitingin sa kanya. “It’s the identity I long to have. Free, creative, imaginative, sometimes weird, but happy and fulfilled.”

“Pero tuwing bumabalik ako sa mundong ginagalawan ko, tila ba sinasabi nito na burahin ang lahat ng yon. Hindi yon importante, hindi yon makakatulong sa kinabukasan ko, nagiging makasarili ako. Minsan paniniwalaan ko yon. Minsan nagmamatigas ako.”

Tahimik akong bumuntong hininga. “Hindi ko na maintindihan kung ano ang paniniwalaan, Gavin.”

“Baby steps, Isabelle. Start to build your identity base on what makes you happy.” he said. “Writing, music, culinary, arts. You are happy for a reason. Maybe when the universe was born, your atom was part of these things. Now they are pulling you back. Maybe it's where you belong.”

Tuluyan kong ini-angat ang tingin kay Gavin. Nakaupo siya sa tapat ko. Wearing his usual go-to outfit of hoodie and faded jeans, with his slightly disheveled hair, and a warm smile in his lips. Doon ko namalayan na may namuong luha sa mga mata ko habang nakikipag usap sa kanya.

“Sometimes society tells you to be yourself. But there is an undertone to be your practical self. To lose your identity to fit into society’s mold. At the end of the day you only have yourself, and your identity is the only thing you will own. Don’t let society erase it.”

“I won’t.” sagot ko.

Ngumiti ako at agad na pinahid ito. Gavin always see me in this state. Noon ay natatakot akong magpakita ng kahinaan kanino man. Ngayon ay alam kong kahit papaano ay kailangan ko ng may mapapagsabihan. I’m not weak. I just need to voice my thoughts out before they destroy me.

“Thank you, Gavin.”

Tuluyan siyang ngumiti. Inabot niya ang pisngi ko at pinahid ang takas na luha dito. “Marami ka ng utang sa akin, babes.”

“Utang?” takang tanong ko.

Napahawak si Gavin sa kanyang batok saka sumandal sa upuan. “Sisingilin kita pagdating ng araw.”

And just like that my whole mood shifted. Muli kong naramdaman ang pagiging maaliwalas ng paligid. It’s nice to have someone you can have deep talks with but still knows how to mess around.

“Gavin.”

“Oh, babes?”

Sumandal ako sa bench at ngumiti sa kanya.

“Wait for the Isabelle I want to be.” I said. “I want to show it to you. I want you to see I made it out alive in this ranging world of becoming an adult. That I did not lose my identity. I want you to be there.”

Natigilan siya sa sinabi ko. Napansin ko ang kanyang wrist. Hindi na codes ang nakasulat dito kundi mga salita.

HERE.

Sandaling hindi nagsalita si Gavin nang makitang nakatingin ako sa wrist niya bago muling bumalik ang ngiti sa kanyang labi. Inabot niya ang ulo ko at ginulo ang aking buhok.

“Syempre naman, babes.” sinabi niya. “Hihintayin ko ang araw na yon.”

***