Once the door to the physical opened, it was impossible to close. Billy had always been a tactile friend, but with this door that had been closed for so long open, he was in near-constant physical contact with me. Even in the presence of others, he'd have a hand on the small of my back or resting on my knee, an arm slung casually on my shoulder or resting softly on my hips. Billy was expressive in his movements. Even when the kids were home, he didn't shield them from our closeness, freely kissing and hugging me around them.

This was the dynamic when he announced one evening that he had invited a few people over for a bar-b-cue that weekend. After minor digging, I learned that a few people meant his family, friends, and everyone from the studio.

"No one famous?" I asked the night prior.

"Well, I was planning on going," he teased with a squeeze of my knee.

I just shot him a look in response.

"Yes, there will be some artists there, but no one that'll ruin anything you love. Bob Dylan wanted to come, but I said he couldn't; my girlfriend enjoys his work too much."

Girlfriend easily slipped from his lips. It was silly that it stung my ears. In most respects, I was more than a girlfriend. I had been living with Billy for over a month now. We were complete partners in life in every aspect. But girlfriend still bore into my thoughts.

"Do I look okay?" I asked the next day as I looked in the mirror at my casual faux leather leggings and t-shirt outfit. The nerves of even a backyard bar-b-cue with Billy's friends made me second-guess everything about myself. Suddenly, Billy was no longer Billy; he was Billy Collins, and I was a rock star's girlfriend.

Billy hadn't looked at me yet; he was still putting on his watch. His eyes moved up me as usual, assessing the same me he had always seen, but when his eyes met mine, they didn't stall there. His eyes tugged back down again.

"What? Do I look fat?" It was the most immature female cliché statement ever, but my nerves were so frayed it popped out. I twisted away to gaze at myself in the mirror again.

"Honey, those pants are enough to make a sinner pray."

When I looked back at him in shock of his statement, his eyes were devouring me. The honesty in his words suddenly filled me with confidence. Billy Collins hypnotized the world, but I gripped Billy Collins.

"You can't wear those," he announced as I turned to face him fully.

His words fully restored my spirit. "Oh, I can, and I will."

"Please, wear anything else." He caught me on the hips. "I can't breathe with you looking like this."

"Then this should be fun," I confidently teased.

"You are a cruel, cruel woman, Lily Turncott. I'd certainly turn and run if I didn't love you so completely." Instead, he pulled me tight against him and plummeted his face into my neck. His lips sent alluring pangs through my body while his hair tickled enough to pull a laugh from my throat.

A bar-b-cue at Billy's was exactly as I expected it to be; easy and comfortable. He surrounded himself with people that were so interesting that starting a conversation was as simple as breathing. Even when lost in a discussion on some book or movie, Billy's throaty laugh would rise above it all and pull a smile to my face.

"Hey," he dipped his face close to my ear as he came up behind me while I was talking to a guy named Brandon, who was walking me through the steps to build a guitar. It was fascinating.

"How come you never pay this much attention when I talk guitars?" He teased as his hands fell to my hips.

"What can I say? Brandon has more bravado." I winked.

A boisterous laugh flew from Billy. "There's something you don't hear every day."

"I'm going to take it at face value and not dig in at all," Brandon nodded as he excused himself.

"I think you scared him away," I chided.

"Good." Billy dipped his face to kiss up and down my neck. "Want a tour of the house?" He breathed between kisses.

"Really, a tour?" I let out a laugh.

"Mmhmm, I'd give you a private one; thirty minutes."

I turned as his hands floated over my waist.

"Make that an hour," he adjusted.

"Billy, you have guests," I protested.

"We have guests, and it's fine; they won't even notice. There's like a million of them here."

"Later," I leveled.

"Promise?" His eyes bore into mine as he added, "with the pants."

"Well, we won't get very far if the pants stay on," I teased as I pulled away.

"Speak for yourself." His eyes scanned me again in an entirely lustful manner that Billy rarely let take over him.

"You coming?" I called over my shoulder.

"I'm just going to watch for a moment," he shot back as he leaned against a tree.

I found Tim at a picnic table and settled next to him with an extra bump to his shoulder.

"So, what's the story, morning glory," Tim leaned in, relishing the rare moment with no Billy. I knew he had been dying to get the update for days, maybe weeks.

"Oasis, going old school."

"Don't distract me. Spill," he demanded.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Something happened."

"Something?"

"Yeah, we..." I didn't know how to put it.

"I don't need the details." Tim quickly put his hands up to halt my words. "I heard enough of them through hotel walls. A decade later, and I still have nightmares."

"No, it's not that. I mean, it is that, but it wasn't just that. It was more, and since then, it's been more."

"Ah, Lil, did you ever think that maybe you let yourself finally fall in love with Billy Collins?"

"What? I was in love with him. And I've always loved him."

"Lil, we can both agree that you have always loved him, but you never let yourself fall in love with him, not fully. You were pushing him away from practically the moment you met. It was brutal."

"Brutal," my voice came weakly.

"I mean," Tim paused on his words. "No, I can't; it was just brutal, Lil. You were savage to him. You would let him get close enough to fall in love with you, and then the second you fell, you ripped his heart out. Honestly, Lil, the best thing you ever did was admit that you wouldn't be able to fall in love with him. Well, until now, but it's different now. I mean the accident, Sarah, Sam; it shifted things. It's good, right?"

I stared back at him, trying to process his babble...

"Fuck," slipped from his lips. "Don't, Lil, you can't." The desperate plea in his words matched the burning of pain, fear, and anger in his eyes. "I can't let you do this to him again. And the kids, Lil. You can't. Not right after Sarah."

"I just... it's just... I can't..." Suddenly, a tiny, inconsequential fact that I had never even thought to share was burning in my mind, ready to derail my peace. The anguish on Sam's face when he found out was replaced with Billy's in my memories, but I had never told Billy.

"Why are we so serious here?" Billy's hand landed warmly on my shoulder, and I instinctively lifted a hand to brush over it, welcoming the touch.

Billy's eyes gently fell on mine and filled with concern at my expression. I picked his hand up and kissed it.

"Tim is always so serious. Has anyone ever told you to lighten up?" I faked a tease, which Tim quickly volleyed.

"That's me, Mr. Business." He stood as he spoke, but still shot me one last look of warning.

"Everything okay?" Billy asked as he held a hand out to me.

"Yes." I accepted his hand as he pulled me to the side.

"We're gonna light up the bonfire."

Once the surge of energy around the newly lit fire dispersed, so did the crowd of people. I settled on a log tucked into Billy's side, lost in thought as my eyes followed the dancing licks of the fire devouring wood. People descended into song around me, as I suppose was to be expected when musicians surrounded you. However, I had never been to a bar-b-cue of accountants where spreadsheets were created around a bonfire.

Billy kept his arm slung around me for longer than I had expected. I could feel him tensing with the mounting desire to join it. It wasn't a surprise that Going to California drew him out.

After a meandering of songs that bled into each other, Billy leaned close to my ear. "Tell me what you want to hear..." It wasn't a question; it was a requirement.

"You Really Got a Hold on Me," I murmured.

"I hope so," he whispered as he began to play.

I sunk back into his side and listened intently. The lyrics echoed through him and into me in soothing vibrations. It calmed the anger as he melted a bit to me. As the song finished, I felt him place a lingering kiss on the crown of my head before the music started up again. At some point, my eyelids fell heavy as my mind floated between awake and asleep.

"Hey, you want to head to bed?" Billy's voice was low and comforting, like the fire crackling.

"Mmhmm, but there are still people here," I mumbled.

"These animals will be here all night." His face was close enough that I could see his dimples easily. I let a finger slip into one, eliciting a laugh from his chest.

"What?" I sighed.

"Viv might be your mini-me, but Jackson's fascination with earlobes is terribly similar to your fascination with dimples."

"Not dimples, your dimples," I corrected, as a sleepy smile crossed my face and my hand dropped.

I reluctantly let Billy pull me up from the comfort of the fire and tuck me under his arm. I dazedly smiled as Billy said good night to a few people we passed. With each step from the warmth of the fire, the cool air woke me more. By the time we were upstairs, I felt a zap of energy.

"We smell like campfire," I noticed as I settled cross-legged on the bed and pinched my shirt so a puff of air rose across my face.

"I don't think that's bad; I've certainly been accused of worse." He flopped on the bed and curled around me.

"What?" I could see thoughts swirling in his head.

"I have many questions." His dimples pricked his cheek. "What happened today? What got you so lost?"

"I realized there's something I haven't told you, and while I didn't see it as a big deal, I probably should've shared." I tensed at the topic.

Billy sensed my discomfort and pulled his face up to inspect mine.

"A few years ago, I went to the doctor," I began.

It was the wrong way to begin as panic immediately filled Billy's eyes.

"I'm fine," I leveled, to only mild success at dissipating Billy's concern. "But, I can't have kids," I watched as the words struck him before adding, "biologically speaking."

"Years ago," he murmured to himself.

"It wasn't a big deal to me because kids weren't something I was chasing," I tried to explain.

"Was that why... you and Sam?" He instinctively tightened his grip on my hips as though he was prepared to throw me from harm's way, even though any injury inflicted by Sam had been years ago.

"Yes, and no." I sighed. "Sam wanted kids, and I didn't. It was a frequently discussed topic. I was relieved when I found out I couldn't have kids, and he was destroyed." I let my eyes drift from Billy, hoping not to see the look I'd seen in Sam's eyes all those years ago. "We weren't on the same page."

"Are you okay, though? Otherwise, you're healthy?" There was an urgency in his voice.

"Yeah, I have a slightly elevated risk for a few types of cancers and diabetes, but with my family history, the odds are no worse than anyone else, and I always go to my regular check-ups."

"You promise?" He prodded like Viv. "You're not just protecting me?"

"No, I wouldn't do that to you."

He pulled me back deep into him, so he spilled onto the pillows, and I scattered onto his chest. He kissed the crown of my head as his arms tightened around me.

"I wish you would've told me sooner," he murmured.

"I'm sorry. It just wasn't a thing to me, but...," I tried to explain again.

He was quiet for a long time, holding me in his arms as his fingers combed through my hair. His words came distant when he spoke again. "Lil, why now? What brought this up?"

"When I was talking to Tim, I realized he didn't know, which meant you didn't know. It felt wrong, like I was hiding it. I just... I just needed to tell you. I don't want any secrets between us."

"Lil," he lifted my face to his with a single finger, "I love you. This changes nothing." The words were soft compared to the weight of his gaze. It stole my words, so I just sunk back to his chest and focused on the beating of his heart as it lulled me to sleep.