'it would be a tragedy to love you quietly'

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Rudra's POV

I was aware of the presence in the woods.

I knew I sensed something moving still decided to let it be, maybe that’s what destiny has planned for me.

I knew someone was watching but never thought this could be her, she was the last person I was expecting because of her being the late riser and lazy soul.

The moment she stepped in front, nothing came out of me.

I was like a dead rock, wasn’t sure what I should feel. I was busted, my plan was now known and she was furious, more than ever.

How to make it all right?, was the only thought rushing in me.

I couldn’t stop Ruhani.

She was doing what a sister would do to protect her brother. God! She knew how much it hurt me see her like this.

To see her breaking because of the words she is playing wrong inside her head.

Ruhani’s temper was known, she is as calm as resting waters for one to begin with. She hardly snap or glare but here she did unexpected. She spilled everything out.

It breaks my heart knowing Manzar is now taking everyone of us as a traitor , I’m not worried about her calling me responsible for all this, I’m worried because now her wall are so high that no one can step in and comfort her.

Once again she pulled herself away from her friends.

I might be responsible for her pain, I happen to steal her friend away from her – as she said.

But it was never Urvi’s , Seher’s, Aditya’s and even Ruhani’s fault.

They were protecting her, helping me, planning a surprise for her… all they were doing was because they want to see us happy, because we are their friends.

Urvi and Vansh, were planning a surprise, Urvi was nervous to tell her the biggest news of her life, it was never her fault. She took it all wrong.

Ruhani was just defending her brother, her words might be harsh but it was her  heart who was speaking, she has seen her brother talking to himself, singing to himself, lost in himself for all those years, then where is she wrong?

Seher was saving her sister from heartbreak she wanted to turn a self proclaimed heartbreaking story into a cheesy romantic one. She wanted to play the cupid, to give us a cheesy ending.
She was saving her sister earlier from distraction like me, she wanted her to become independent, stand on her own, to become like her- like how she has turned now.

Aditya was protecting the girl who wear her heart on her sleeves, he was being an elder brother he was saving his little princess from getting hurt.

He has seen life, the struggles, the bitter truth and cruelty.  He wanted her to learn and trust her instincts to built herself well before stepping into something bigger as committing herself into a relationship.

She might be a mess, but there is no other masterpiece like her.

I love her, that’s all I know.

After she left all of us, there was a remorse silence around, no one was meeting each other’s eye.

Vansh was comforting a crying Urvi, a best friend. Veer was hugging Ruhani, a sister in pain. I was sitting on the rock from earlier with my phone clutching in a tight grip, a loser.

The phone she slapped tightly on my palm after shutting her sister off. The woman who is pregnant and dying to see her first child happy, the child she think her little sister is.

After what felt like months, when the sky got cloudy and air chilly, they all sighed and looked at me.

“We still need to talk to her. I need to appologise.” Ruhani said

“You don’t have to.” Veer said hugging her sideways,
“I’ll talk to her.”

“I went out of line, it wasn’t my place to tell. I’m sorry Rudra. I’m sorry Urvi.”

I nodded.

“No Di, You don’t have to. You were just…” she sighed.

“I betrayed her, I shouldn’t have hid it from her. I was just planning a surprise… I was so nervous.”

Again her eyes welled with tears.

“It’s okay we’ll talk to her together, besides I don’t think the weather is supporting us either.”

“Yes, I think it will rain.” Veer said

“You should go back to Manzar’s room, talk to her.” I said

They all nodded.

They started towards the front of the cabin, when Ruhani, turned to look at me still sitting on the rock.

“And what part of all us should get back, you don’t understand?”

I smiled, showed her my phone,
“I need to talk to Seher as well, she must be freaking out right now. You guys should go back before it rains.”

“Still thinking about others, Rudra” She said and looked at  me pained.

I pulled my bottom lip and looked at my phone, which she slapped on my hand. Ruhani ran upto me hugged me,
“You know I’m always there for you Rudra?”

I rubbed her back and nodded.

“Promise me, you will never hurt yourself. I can’t see you like this over a girl.”

“She’s worth it.” I said looking at Ruhani.

She smiled weakly, “then I promise I  got your back everytime.”

I smiled.

“be there within 10 minutes” she warned pointing her finger under my nose.

“Yes ma’am.”

With this they all went back to the cabin.

I don’t know what to say to you, Manzar, except the part that it tore my heart everytime I have to say goodbye to you.

I know where is she coming from, we all want someone who in the end will choose us over everything under any circumstances, I wanted to choose her too yet I wanted to be the better person, to become capable for her, to provide her everything she will ever need, to get her a better future together with me.

Yet I was afraid she will reject knowing I would have to transfer from state to state, to please my job, risking her own career.

The reason I left, explains my cowardice.

Little did I knew I will come back to get what belongs to me. Knowing the risks.

This isn’t her fault and not mine either. I’m the only son my father Colonel Sinha has, because of Mum I’m not in Indian army but this couldn’t stop my father from pursuing me serve the country in other way.

What I am now is because of him.

My cowardice is not his fault, it’s only mine. He still has no idea why I’m not ready to marry any other girl, still I picked the girl he showed me recently within a few seconds of looking at her picture.

Right this instant she must be in a dilemma, she might be thinking we are wrong but knowing it is already past time for her anger to fade, she will be thinking otherwise too.

Just like that it’s easy to get her angry, the lasting duration is for an hour only.

The only thing I’m afraid of is, she should not be blaming herself for everything. Once your mind  is vulnerable it brings the best out of you.

Just then a rain drop landed on my cheek.

I better should get inside before it starts raining fast.

The air blowing the leaves and was so strong that even the branchs were swaying. I dialed Seher’s number—better check on her before talking to her sister. Seher’s temper is much worse than Manzar’s.

Manzar stops talking and get’s all rude when she is angry but Seher she happen to smile,  her eyes are venomous and once she opens her mouth it’s pure sarcasm and poison.

What Manzar just did, was a typically practiced smile she has learned from her sister.

It ringed long before the cell vibrated near my ear, saying the call is received,
“Hello” came her husband’s voice.

“Hel..”

Urvi and Vansh rushed upto me,
“Manzar is not in the Cabin!”
they said in unison huffing worrisome filled their faces.

Confused was the only thing I was feeling.

“Where is Manzar?” Seher voiced boomed into the phone.

“Wait a second, Seher.”

“They can’t find my sister anywhere and you are asking me to wait, you fuc…”

“Look for her Rudra, and call me within 10 minutes.” Aditya asked after I heard shuffling from the other side

“5 minutes” Seher barked

“Okay” then I disconnected the call and walked towards the cabin with them.

.
.
.

Half n hour passed just like that, searching her everywhere, every corner of the cabin from the front gates to the back store house, she wasn’t anywhere.

The sky was pouring like anything. Nothing was helping. She must be freezing in cold.

I couldn’t build the courage to call her sister and brother in law and they have been calling me since then.
I have just texted them a reply, to let them know as soon as I find her.

Where is she?, For god’s sake!

“I’ll go search in the woods, she like to sit alone.” I said adjusting my cap out of habit.

“Take this bag with you, it’s raining and there are few emergency supplies. They will help you…incase.” Ruhani handed me a small backpack with a shrug.

“Please be safe, Manzar.” Urvi murmured near me.

I held her hand assuring and giving her confidence she needed.

Indeed be safe Manzar.
.

.

.

One or two hours past found me standing holding a tree trunk to catch my breath, its freezing cold and the best being here is the pouring rain, not helping literally.

My hands are cold, feet are freezing but the whole body is burning with urgency.

She is  yet to be found.

I wiped my eyes and cheeks then gazed left to right, no one, not a soul, not even an animal.

“Where the hell are you, Manzar?” I talked to myself.

“Please be safe. I promise I will not trouble you anymore.”

Then I huffed to myself.

Who am I kidding? I can’t leave her ever.

“I really need you. Please god at least give me some hint.”

I continued walking for what seemed like another half n hour into the woods when I heard a small nasal intake of breathe.

I think I found my crying Manzar.

I stood still for a while, pouring rain was not helping a bit, it was over powering every small sound. I tucked the cap tighter and focusing on any sound, any source.

When I heard her questioning, “Why in the world I’m so egoistic?”

I followed the sound and concentrated on the right back answer, but none came.

The sniffling went a little louder, I saw her face side. She was sitting on a broken tree trunk, forearms leaning on knees and hands wiping her nose and eyes, more because of rain than the tears.

She was sitting under the shed of a tree but it wasn’t helping anymore, she turned to look at the tree,
“You tell me, why I couldn’t stop my mouth, when I need the most?” she asked this question to the trunk wiping her nose.

This is my Manzar for you.

“I hurt her so much” she bit on her upper lip

“I hurt everyone, I hurt my best friend. I accused her for betraying me, when it is me clearly who betrayed her.”

“she was expecting me to understand her surprised but look what I did”

“Worthless… I’m fucking worthless.”

“Seher…” she whined and again raised her hand to wipe her eyes.

I noticed no tears are there anymore but it’s her heart which is in pain, its long past her anger phase and right now she is probably calm thinking about all she could do make it all right and correcting everything.

“Seher, I’m really sorry. You always asked me if anything is wrong with me, if I want to discuss anything… anything I want to share with you. I never did.”

“I kept it all bottled up. Never let anyone of you in. All I asked you, to leave me at peace and let me deal with my shit by myself.”

“No one is wrong but me, I let my pride won.”

Here we go! She is repeating Ruhani’s words.

“Ruhani was right, I never gave her brother chance to explain himself, maybe he wasn’t wrong it was just the demand of the situation. I never think of this in his way. He was paining too.”

I melted!

“Urvi was right; I was being a bitch. I wanted him to persuade me yet did not want to show him any response. I wanted him to make efforts without expecting anything.”

I’m okay with making efforts when it comes to you Manzar, not matter what.

She wiped her whole face this time and turned look at the tree in her front,
“You tell me, Ruhani’s brother”

She called the tree me, but she did not call my name.

Still there is a little bit anger, I see.

All I wanted to do that instant was to hug her tight.

She sniffed cutely, her face all red yet all clean because of rain, still the hood covering her head,

“how are you so sure that I still love you?”

Well you never denied that. And still not.

“How are you so sure I don’t have anyone in my life?”

Because you can’t betray me.

Besides who don’t want to live his life!

She sighed, “Sometimes I feel I’m someone crazy, when I do this strange conversation with you. I imagine you with me everytime wherever I go.”

I don’t know what to respond, what to say to tell her all her feelings are still reciprocated and I’m burning still in the same fire.

I want to tell her I love her, louder than ever, I want to hug her tighter than ever and I want to hold her closer than ever.

All I wanted was to hear those words from her and her to call my name, ask me with the same love filled eyes, Do I still deeply and madly in love with her?

she happen to know the answer already.

There was silence for a while and I decided to make my presence known, long done the eavesdropping crime, just then what she said halted my steps.

“I love you. I still do, but I’m never going to tell this to you, I can’t give you the satisfaction that all this time I was never over you. I still want you as much as you want me.” she said pointing at the tree, she imagined me.

All I wanted was to go and hug the life out of her.

Or should I…

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Waiting for your comments.
With love,
Ankita

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