There are surreal moments that happen in life that you can't prepare for. Seeing my father in that casket is one of them. Knowing I will never get to talk to him or hear his voice again, hurt. Yet, I know I can't put the blame entirely on him. I chose not to contact them, just like they chose not to reconnect with me.

It all seems so pointless now, the arguments, the anger, the need to prove a point. So much time lost that will remain lost forever. My mother squeezes my hand and I smile at her. Oh, how I wish I could turn back time. I doubt I would have reacted differently but just to hear his voice, to know she's well again, but that's a dream, and don't wish to dream anymore.

I expected to just offload whatever is in my head or troubling my heart, but upon seeing my father, my mind is a complete blank. None of it matters now because he's truly gone. Instead, I kneel in front of the casket and bow my head in prayer.

A hand comes to rest on my shoulder. I half expect it to be Cat or my mother, but it is the undertaker. "We will open up the viewing to the public when the family is ready."

I nod my head and stand.

Cat is chatting away amicably with my Mom who looks so calm and at peace. I'm so grateful she had this lucid moment to say goodbye. I hope it lasts, but I know not to raise my hopes too high.

"They need to open the viewing up to the public soon," I inform my mother. Her expression grows sad, knowing it is time and she must go.

"I wish I could stay with you," she tells me.

"I wish you could too, but we both know they won't allow it."

"I know," my mother says, resigned. She grabs hold of Cat's hand, "Take good care of my baby, will you?"

"I promise," Cat says smiling up at me and I smile back. I don't know what I would do, or if would have survived this ordeal if it wasn't for these two beautiful women in front of me.

My mother stands and gives me a tight hug. "It's not goodbye for us, Mom," I say, squeezing her back.

"I know, I just hate leaving you to deal with all of this. I wish I could..." Her eyes fill with tears and I hold on to her tighter.

"Don't do that to yourself, Mom. You were here when I needed you the most. You've gotten to say your goodbyes That's all that matters. I'm all grown up and I can, despite what you witnessed earlier; I can take care of myself."

"And he has me. I promise not to leave his side," Cat tells my mom, who reaches over to pull Cat into our hug.

"And I am so grateful that he does." She kisses Cat's cheek.

"Ready, Mrs. Bragin?"

My mother glances briefly at the men who brought her here and nods. I give her a kiss. "We'll visit you soon. I promise."

She gives us one last squeeze and joins the men. One takes her by the arm and they leave out the side door. Cat's arms are still wrapped around me.

"You sure you're okay? You know, for the rest of this?"

"I am because I have to be. There is no one left to represent the family."

"I know, but I'm sure people would understand if you're too overcome."

"No, I have to do this, Cat. It's what my father wanted."

"Alright then," Cat nods to the undertaker, and the doors open wide to a room filled with people who came to say goodbye.

They file in as I stand beside the casket. I am regaled with story after story of what a great man my father was. How he helped so many people at different times, for different reasons. What a hard worker he was. That he was the best boss they could ever ask for. Over and over, they sing his praises. It would seem where he failed in his family life, he flourished in his professional life. His loss truly moved people, and it pained them to know he is gone.

After a while, I ask for a chair for Cat, who stayed by my side this entire time, but I can tell being on her feet this long is tiring for her. She thanks me, grateful to take the seat. The undertaker's son brings her some water, too.

I'm unsure if the wave of people is ever going to recede, but finally, we come to the end. The priest arrives and says a brief prayer. The room empties and it is just Cat and me again. The undertaker walks over to the casket and removes my father's wedding ring. He pulled the blanket over the body, tucking my father in, before he shuts the lid, locking it in place.

He hands me the ring. I'm not sure what to with it. I slide it on my finger. It's a perfect fit. I clench my fist, feeling the weight of it on my finger.

"Ready?" the undertaker asks, getting the other men in place it's time to put the coffin in the hearse so we can attend mass.

I nod and take up a position at the front of the casket. We carry the casket a few short steps to the pavement and then place it on the rollers to slide it into the hearse. Many of the people I have spoken to were still standing around outside. I'd seen the line of cars with their bright orange flags attached lined up in a row. Cat and I are the first in that line behind the hearse.

I get in and she slides in next to me. We get to the church. We make it through the services. The priest removes the cloth they used to cover the casket and says one final blessing. The incense fills my nostrils.

Once again, I am pressed into the service of a pallbearer. I place the coffin in the hearse. My father will return to the funeral home, to the crematorium. Tomorrow I will take his ashes and I will bury him at the family plot. The finality of the moment strikes me when they closed the door of the hearse, stealing my view of the casket. Removing my father from me, forever.

My head rests against the steering wheel, and Cat gently rubs my back as the tears flow freely.

"You did it, Alex. The hardest part is over."

I wish I could agree with her, but I know better. The goodbye is hard, but living without is the hardest part of all and that feeling won't go away anytime soon.

"Let's go home," I tell her, and Cat simply nods in agreement.

I drive on autopilot back to our apartment. I don't want to go back to my parents' house. That empty shell of broken dreams. Cat didn't even question my decision. She used her key to let me in, took off her coat, and ordered some food.

The place looks strange. Although most of the furniture is still here, I have removed my personal belongings, packed them away in the storage unit. Glancing around the room gave me a feeling of being misplaced along with my things. Cat reaches out and turns my face to look at her. She smiles and then draws me to her lips. Her hands feel warm on my cheeks and her lips soft against mine. I sigh and wrap my arms around her, pulling her closer.

I can't seem to get close enough as I grip the back of her dress in my hands. Cat presses into me, feeling my urgent need for her. I suddenly feel desperate for her touch as her hands run through my hair. She continues to kiss my lips. I pick her up in my arms and carry her to the bedroom. I lay her gently upon the bed and she holds her arms out for me to join her and I don't hesitate. I climb into bed with her and pull her back into my arms.

"Cat, I..." She places a finger to my mouth and pulls me back to her waiting lips. She rolls over on top of me.

"Let me take care of you," she whispers, and I surrender to her care.

I close my eyes and I feel her lips kiss each eyelid. I'm so exhausted yet as her hands glide over my body, my pulse races, and my body responds. My eyes open and she is smiling at me. Button by button, she undoes my shirt and pushes the material aside so she can caress me with her fingertips, ever so lightly.

Her touch is torture, sweet torture, and my hands run up her bare thighs under her dress. She gasps in surprise as my fingers brush over the juncture between her legs.

Cat makes quick work of my belt but slowly takes off my pants. Her hands glide over my legs. She leans over to kiss my stomach, my chest, until she reaches my lips again. I need her so badly.

I'm suddenly frantic to feel again. I've been numb, too much input, too much pain. I've learned to shut off just to get through my day to day. Now my gut aches with that need. I push her panties aside so I can enter her. I press and pull her on top of me. I capture her mouth as I plunge into her repeatedly.

I'm relentless. Cat is panting. She calls out my name in pleasure and I keep going. Her hands grip tightly onto my shoulders. Her nails dig into my flesh but I welcome even the feeling of pain it brings, as I hold her in place and refuse to lessen my pace.

Her body spasms, I can feel it. I can feel her and I want more. I keep going, bringing her to the brink time and time again. Cat's begs me. Begs me to join her, she wants to feel me too. I give in and she collapses on top of me as I fill her, and fulfill my need for her.

We are both out of breath from our lovemaking and I wrap her up in my arms. Cat wipes away tears I didn't even realize I've shed from my cheeks. "I love you, Alex! I love you so much."

I stroke her hair out of her face. "I love you, too. I've needed you so badly, Cat. I just don't know what to do with all this... pain I feel inside."

Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears, tears she feels out of pity for me. I know I should feel ashamed, but I don't. "Please, never leave me again," I beg.

"Leave you, I didn't leave you. You left me, remember?"

I shake my head no. "When you thought I was interested in Tina. You were going to walk away. You were going to leave me. Please don't leave me, Cat. I need you like I need air to breathe."

She looks frightened or perhaps disturbed by my words. I roll away from her, my hands wrap around my stomach. I curl into a fetal position. Pain wrenches through me. I shouldn't put this on her. I don't wish to guilt her into staying with me. If she needs to let me go, I should let her go, but the thought fills me with anguish.

Cat's hand touches my shoulder. She tries to pull me back, but I won't let her. I'm too weak at this moment. Too vulnerable for words.

"Alex, I'm not going to leave you. I love you. I thought you wanted to leave me and even though it would hurt, I love you too much. I would want you to be happy, even if you couldn't find that happiness with me."

I turn over to see her face. She's talking nonsense.

"You'd leave me because you love me? How does that make sense?"

"How does it not? Isn't that why you left me?"

She's right. That is why I left, but I also did it to protect her, to protect the baby.

I pull her into my arms again. "I just want to keep holding you and I never want to let go."

Cat snuggles into my arms. "You won't have to. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. Do you understand me? Whatever life holds in store for us. We'll do it together. I promise."

I kiss her forehead. I've had too much loss. I don't think I'd survive losing her too. Just the thought makes me hold on a little tighter, but she doesn't fight me. In fact, she wraps me up with her entire body so there isn't an inch of space between us.

I can't say when I fell asleep, but the light was coming in the window by the time I woke up. Cat isn't next to me and I get up in search of her. I find her in the kitchen, sneaking some ice cream from the freezer. All our other food has perished as neither of us has been living here for over two weeks.

I smile at her. "How long have I been asleep?"

Cat glances at the clock on the stove. "Twelve, maybe thirteen hours now."

"Wow!" I ran my hand over my face. It's been a really long time since I've slept that sound.

"What time do we have to get back?" Cat asks.

"Shit!" I look at the clock. "Soon. I'll call them. If we hit any traffic, we'll be late."

Cat is already dressed as she still has clothes here. I ran back to the room to gather up my clothes from the side of the bed, and quickly dress to join her.

Breakfast? Cat hands me a to-go cup filled with coffee. "I'll drive. You eat." She's reheated the leftovers or well my portion of the takeout food she purchased the night before.

"Thank you! Have you...?"

"Already taken care of," she informs me.

I swear when this is all over, I'm going to spoil her rotten. She deserves it and so much more.