One Bleeding Afternoon
-•-•-
What is this feeling?
Her blood singing to his touch
She cannot help
but shudder
When the red liquid trickles
down her lips
and his fingers
find her skin.
She cannot help
but shudder
When his skin
and hers
touch

What is this feeling?
These butterflies
in her chest
They haven't fluttered in—
How long has it been?

He leans in
The butterflies waltz
to his fragrant melody
Basking in the warmth
of his breath
against her cheeks

What is this feeling?
Has she ever felt this before
She can not recall
Only the scent of his cologne
now lingers in her dreams

She knows
She knows
It is wrong
He is not hers
To keep
A borrowed
moonlight's fantasy

She knows
She knows
She should stop
Then he leans in
And her heart beats
She wishes
She wishes
that
it would just
stop.

"ISAAC!"

Immediately William is before us, picking up a terrified child and putting him on the fluffy white rugs before turning towards me and lifting me up in his arms. I can only watch with painful lips and wide eyes as he slowly lowers me back onto the sofa in a seating position and tilts my chin down.

"Stay like that, I'll be back. Where is the the first aid?" William questions angrily as he stands up and begins moving towards the kitchen.

"On the cabinet beside the refrigerator," I mumble, fighting the urge to lick my lips or look at the damage. My worried eyes instead find a silently crying Isaac and I immediately shuffle forward on the sofa, opening my arms and stretching them towards him.

"Come here," I mouth to the distressed small boy, I feel my heartbreak when he shakes his head instead while fresh streams of tears trail down his cheeks. Isaac looks absolutely terrified. For a second I wonder what of — his father's anger or my injury.

"I can't find it!" William yells and I glance in the kitchen's direction.

"It's in the upper cabinet, right beside the flower pot on top of the refrigerator. On the right!" I call back, not really wanting to move my lips but hissing anyway when I have to. It's no surprise when my now throbbing lips begin making me contemplate cutting them off. Scowling at myself at my chain of thoughts I turn back to the child I'm currently concerned about.

Whatever Isaac is terrified of is secondary here, I'm completely disturbed by it none the less. My entire body is almost itching for me to calm him down. Somehow I know that having him calm in my arms will help. So again, I turn towards the little boy and encouragingly urge him towards me with my arms, secretly hoping for a better response this time.

"Pa will be angry," Isaac whispers, fat beads of tears trailing down his pink chubby cheeks. I shake my head. The soft approach won't work. I suppose he is too afraid. A sigh leaves my lips and I flinch at the sting on my lower lip because of it. Ignoring that, I begin stretch towards the child before me until my fingers clasps around his hand and I softly begin pulling him closer.

Slowly but surely the frightened little boy edges closer towards me and then as soon as the child moves onto my lap his small arms fly around my waist and he begins sobbing loudly, "I'm sorry mummy! I'm sorry!!"

"Sssssh," I comfort the child as I cradle him slowly on my lap, "Sssh. It was my mistake. I slipped."

"Mummy I'm sorry," the child continues whimpering, completely ignoring my previous words and I feel the spot on my dress where he has pressed his face against begin to get wet. I rub his back as comfortingly as I can, ignoring the liquid that slowly continues to move down my lips and onto my chin. What do mothers do in these situations? What should I do?

I curse my body's significantly useless coagulation ability. I can never stop bleeding as quickly as I should.

"You could have been badly injured too, Isaac. I'm glad it's me. It's just a small cut. I'll be fine in no time!" I whisper as I spot William walking out of the kitchen. His eyes narrows at my mouth and blazes when it darts to mine.

"I told you to stay still," he hisses as he reaches me and instantly Isaac begins to move out of my lap. Instead of letting the frightened boy go, I wrap my arms around him tighter and rub his back comfortingly.

"I'm sorry," I reply simply to the child's father. William's eyes narrows into crinkled slits. I'm thankful when he chooses to ignore me and begins wearing a glove on his right hand.

"This will burn," he mumbles, before dabbing the cotton wool drenched with hydrogen peroxide onto my lips and begins cleaning it. I flinch at the initial contact but stay put when his stern eyes meet mine in warning.

"Issac, hold your mother still," William says to his son and I want to smile when I feel Isaac relax in my arms instead, the tension of having his father upset at him probably completely gone.

I sit patiently as he works his fingers over my lips and chin, carefully cleaning the blood off and then applying an antiseptic cream on the cut. His fingers work quickly and efficiently, and before I can even begin getting impatient he is done and moving back towards the kitchen with the closed first aid kit.

"Mummy... I want to watch Spongebob," Isaac whispers, suddenly finding my large widescreen TV very exciting. Pulling back I watch the child look at me shyly, I can't help but laugh when he even goes ahead and bats his long lashes at me innocently. For a second I wonder if he's gotten those lashes from his mother — William doesn't have eyelashes like these.

"Go ahead sweetie, just keep yourself at a distance from the screen. You know the drill, right?" I smile out a warning my own mum still continues to give me to this day as I hand him the remote control, before walking over to the large TV screen and turning it on.

Just then William walks back into the living room and his eyes meet mine, "What're you doing up?

"Am I not supposed to get up?"

"I'd prefer it if you didn't move," William replies coolly, beginning to walk towards me. His tone seems like he is relaxed. So does his words. But I don't fail to catch the edge laced in both that cool tone and his casual words.

"I didn't know a simple lip cut impaired my locomotion, Doctor," I roll my eyes but comply, moving to sit down on the white fluffy rugs and sinking my toes in.

"I should go now."

Both Issac and I's eyes move to William and I suddenly find myself getting on my feet again, "So soon?"

I expect an answer. Possibly a 'Yes'.

"You... want me to stay?" William asks me instead.

"Stay Pa!" Isaac replies instead and I nod, I want him to feel included. To feel like he is on the inside. Not the outside. I've seen him look like he's on the outside one too many times.

"Okay, but Uncle Kris is coming over by 6, so I'll have to leave in 4 hours, okay?" William asks his eyes on Issac.

"Yes!" Issac jumps excitedly and I watch William move forward, moving into our space before dropping down to the floor, to the spot that's beside me. Then his hand wraps around mine and he pulls me down beside him.

"You okay?" I whisper, suddenly wondering if he is excited or nervous about seeing Cecelia tonight.

"Your lips are swollen. Looks painful," William whispers instead. This time I find the slight shadow of irritation drifting under my skin. Why can't this man answer my question for once?

"Yes they are," I sigh instead, almost wanting frown at the obvious conversation we were having.

"It's irritating,"

My heart jumps.

"What? Swollen lips?" I ask glancing at William with wide eyes and a suddenly palpating heart. Somehow something tells me he's speaking about the 'hurt' part. But I just dare not say it.

"Mummy, who's your favourite character in Spongebob?" Isaac asks suddenly, once again unknowingly breaking the tension between his dad and I.

"Squidward," I reply without much hesitation. I feel both boys turn towards me in curiosity.

"What? Why?!" Isaac stumbles out and I turn towards William. I suppose they both expected me to pick Sponge bob or Mr. Crabs.

Truthfully, I've always liked Squidward growing up because he reminds me of me. I could relate to his level of 'done' with everything. At that time all I wanted to do was paint, listen to music, and take warm baths as well. But where he had a lame job and Sponge-bob to irritate him, I had school and a horribly tiring job at this local diner where the owner's son liked me. I still think that was why I got the job. That thought always ruins my mood.

Looking at William looking back at me expectedly I can't help but be sassy.

"Because he reminds me of your dad," I answer simply, then freeze when I realise the 'other' implications of this. Isaac is already laughing, seemingly taking the answer at face value but William seems to be looking at me with a serious glint in his eyes.

So quickly I add, "He looks a lot like your dad."

"I look more like Larry but thanks," William scoffs and I can't help but burst out in a laugher at that. By the end, I'm teary-eyed and grinning, and my lips feel like they are ready to burst open again.

"Thanks," I breathe despite the pain, "I needed that."

William's eyes shoot me a glance, a whisper of his own mirth lingers in them. He whispers,

"Yeah, me too."

Just then a tiny huff sounds behind us and we both turn in time to see Isaac's displeasured frown before he grumbles,

"You're both so noisy."

This time we both begin laughing.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"It's almost four, I should leave."

Both Isaac and I get up when he does, moving behind him as he slowly begins walking towards the front door. When we reach the door he turns towards Isaac first and leaning down, picks him up.

"Be good. Don't trouble Gemma, okay?" he mumbles before he places a kiss on his son's cheeks. I watch as Isaac blushes bright red under his father's affection and grasps onto William's shirt, "I miss you, Pa."

"I haven't even left yet," William chuckles and sways with Isaac in his arms. His eyes are looking down at his little boy and I almost 'aww' at the obvious love in his gaze.

Hearing his father's reply, Isaac pulls his head back and pouts, "I still miss you."

"I'll FaceTime you tonight. Is that okay?" William speaks after a moment of stunned silence. Appeased but still sulking, Isaac slowly nods in agreement.

I begin to stiffen when William bends to place Isaac back down. Somehow something tells me that it's my turn. I don't know how to react this time. I'm not the one initiating the fake affection after all.

It doesn't take William long to wear his shoes, and when he finally begins to straighten I realise once again how much taller he is than me.

Straightening, William's gaze brushes past me and straight to the door. His fingers slip around the knob and he quickly pulls the door open, letting the gust of chilly wind into the home — I shudder from the sudden chill I feel. From the weather or the man, I'm not sure.

I don't know why but I find myself slipping out onto the small verandah after him. I feel as a sniffling Isaac shuffles behind me, grasping onto the hem of my dress.

"I just want to make sure if he locks the gate or not," I tell myself but I know the wounded feeling in my chest is trying to tell me otherwise. I didn't want a fake hug goodbye, but it hurts that he didn't even acknowledge me. My fingers find Isaac's hair and I softly pat him in comfort as I turn towards my left. I can clearly see Mrs. Red on her verandah, trying not to seem too obvious. Her attention is still on us. I know.

William's almost at his car when he stops and suddenly turns around. Then... he's striding towards us.

My eyes widen when his eyes find mine and stay here. I watch as he gets closer... closer... close enough — and his right arm slips around my waist first before he pulls me the remaining distance closer to him. My hands automatically find themselves clutching his shirt to steady me and I can only gasp when I feel his cold lips on my cheeks.

"Take care of yourself, Isaac's mum."

It seems like a normal greeting on the outside, but I know he's trying to politely apologise and remind me that he's just doing what we had decided on. To act more married couple-like in front of Isaac by saying 'Isaac's mum' and not 'wife'.

So in return, I find my arms slipping around his neck, I find myself standing on my tiptoes to hug him closer, "Take care, Issac's dad."

When I feel his arms tighten around my waist and keep me there for a few seconds, I wonder if this really is fake to him. Then I wonder if it's fake to me. I shut that thought down. Instead I wonder if his cologne's scent will stay with me tonight? Will my perfume linger on his clothes?

And then he's gone, striding towards his car again without a glance back. Not even when he gets into his car and drives out of the driveway, not even when he gets out to to lock the gate does he glance back.

"Gemma, that your boyfriend and his kid?"

Expectedly I turn towards Mrs. Red and stare at her. Glancing around me I realise Issac's already rushed back inside to his TV program.

"Well at least he's not here to hear my reply," I think before turning back to Mrs. Red.

"OH DEAR LORD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MOUTH CHILD!!"

"Oh it's nothing, Mrs. Red, Isaac and I were playing and he hit his head on my lips. And yes, that's William and that's our son Isaac," I find myself yelling back. I know I've lost it. The fast thumping of my heart alerts me that this is the first explanation being handed towards someone in my social circle. The first explanation being handed out into the tiny world I have created over the years for myself.

Mrs. Red catches me by surprise though when instead of seeming scandalised at calling Isaac my son, she nods and continues with her interrogation, "Take care of yourself more, sweetie!! How old is he? What does he do? How old is the child?"

I'm starting to feel awkward now. Is this something my mum will ask? Is this something Isma khala will ask? Willian's name and profession? Will they ask about Isaac too? My friends at work? Will they ask this as well?

"He's 29. Er... he's a neurosurgeon resident right now. Issac is 5," I try to smile, I really do. But I fear Mrs. Red verbally passing her harsh opinions even more. Not that I'm not ready for it — no, I've prepared myself to the various opinions everyone else is going to keep. I've said them under my breath myself, and I've rehearsed my replies. I've planned how I will smile when someone looks at us with judgment. But I'm frightened for Isaac. I don't want him to hear — to face the judgment with me.

"No, I'm a big girl now. I've grown up learning and my tree's trunk has hardened well. I can protect us both," I remind myself for the hundredth time. Once again focusing on the words like a silent mantra.

"A neurosurgeon?! Like a brain doctor? Oh Gemma that's such a wonderful catch!" Mrs. Red exclaims, surprising me when she even claps her hands together in excitement. Suddenly I wonder if William's profession will be enough to make everyone forget the other aspects of our... relationship? I wonder if it's something I'm okay with.

I smile, a soft bitter smile, "I'm more proud of catching Isaac to be honest."

Yeah, I not okay with it.

Besides, It is true. I have nothing to do with his father's profession. Even though I can not deny that something happens to my heart whenever William is around. Isaac's smile is more important than anything. It is the reason why we are here.

As if on cue, Isaac runs out calling out to me.

"Mummy!!" Isaac yells and I turn around just in time to catch him and bring him up to settle on my hip. I turn us towards Mrs. Red.

"Isaac that's Mrs. Red, she's mummy's friend. Say hello!"

"Hello!" Isaac greets Mrs. Red shyly with a wave. Then he suddenly cosies up to the idea of socialising with the older woman, "I like your name. I like the colour red!"

Mrs. Red exclaims in delight.

"He's such a beautiful boy, Gemma," She laughs, "So very charming too!"

"Thank you!" Isaac beams at the older woman, clearly more open towards her now after she's complimented him so much.

"Oh you're very welcome, my boy! Come over for some tea and cookies the next time you're over for a visit, alright?"

This seems to make Isaac even happier, "I will!!"

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Nine PM tonight finds us snuggled in front of the TV watching The Emperor's New Groove. Saara still isn't home, but I know to expect her soon. Isaac and I have already bathed and had our dinner. Now, Isaac dressed in his Pyjamas and I in my usual bedclothes — a cotton short shorts and a tank, sit before the TV wrapped around with my blanket. It is only a matter till it turns ten o'clock and I will have an excuse to make Isaac sleep because that's his bedtime during the weekends. He is refusing to go to bed before his dad FaceTimes him.

I, on the other hand, have a heavy feeling William might be drunk and in bed with Cecelia already. Instantly that thought sends a secret jolt of self inflicted irritation through me and I turn my attention towards the child watching cartoon beside me.

When the sound of the door opening and closing sounds around the home, I feel Isaac stiffen against me and shuffle closer.

"Hey, Saara! We're in the living room!" I yell, silently hoping that it indirectly lets Isaac know that it's only my cousin and everything is okay.

"Oye! You're lucky I made August go home early tonight or you would have a lot of explaining to do! Is my nephew there?"

"Yeah, he is!" I reply before turning towards the child.

"Don't worry bubbah, it's just aunty Saara," I whisper as I feel him crawling over my lap, and snuggling his face against the cushion on my lap.

"Hello my nephew! Won't you turn around and say hello to your mother's cous—"

Saara stops when Isaac looks up from my lap and to her. Her eyes widen and she glances at me, blinking, before beginning to move closer — her wide eyes on Isaac.

"Gem, he's absolutely precious!!" Saara squeals suddenly as she rushes towards us and drops down beside me.

"Hi," she waves at Isaac brightly, and pulls the bags she was holding in front and on her lap, "I've brought lots of peace offerings!! And Gemma told me that you love Biryani so I've picked up some from my favourite Indian restaurant. I've also got you chocolates, do you want some? Are you hungry?"

Immediately Isaac looks up at me, as if wanting me to tell him what to do or give him a green signal. Instead I ask, "Yes, bubba? Do you want something?"

"Mummy can I.. can I have some Bilani?"

I think Saara and my heart melts simultaneously until they is nothing but a puddle of goo in our intestines.

"Oh my God, Gem, he is so precious! I can totally see why you did what you did! Look at those beautiful eyes!" Saara can't help but coo as she looks at Issac with a look people give to kittens or puppies.

"Yes you can, sweetie. Hold on, I'll bring a plate and spoon for you. Do you want me to feed you?" I ask him as I carefully maneuverer him up onto the sofa as I stand up and turn towards the kitchen.

"No mummy, I'll use my hands! Yash told me he uses his hands when he eats Bilani!"

I can't help but chuckle, feeling proud of him for being so appreciative of his friends culture and ways.

"Damn... suddenly I want to be a mum now," I hear Saara grumble. I can't help the laugh that leaves my lips at that.

"Wait, Gem what the heck happened to your face?"

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

William finally messages by 11. It's definitely way past Isaac's bedtime but the child refuses to sleep without speaking to his dad — even though he's already halfway asleep. So far we have waited for the past few hours for him to call like he said he would.

In this meantime I've thought about sending him a secret text as a reminder — or maybe a call. But somehow even I was curious to know if he would remember.

Tapping on the message notification. I open his message and smile.

I press send and turn the phone to Isaac to show him he picture.

"You look so cute," Saara coos at the little boy and he blushes, rubbing his head against my arm as he tries to hide his suddenly pink face.

Saara's a complete goner for Isaac's charms. From the moment Issac blinked those innocent eyes at her, she got shot with the arrow with his charms. It makes me feel lighter somehow, knowing Saara I can tell that she would definitely do what I have done had she been me. That's reassuring.

What's a little frightening though is that I can see a very spoilt future for Isaac now. Saara's completely wrapped around his pinky finger.

Eventually the room pings with another notification and I open it with a frown. I can tell that Saara's reading the texts because she's sitting beside me on the bed, and I turn towards her with my frown.

"Something seems off," she mouths to me and I nod. Something does seem odd... is he upset?

Still, I type back a polite reply. But then my curiosity gets there best of me and I type out the question I am really curious about.

Throughout the night I've found myself wondering what William must be up to and then chastising myself for feeling afraid when I have no reason to be.

"Ceeeceee," Saara rolls her eyes as she sneers the beautiful girl's name under her breath. This seems to catch Isaac's attention.

"Cece aunty? I don't like her mummy! She kisses pa on the cheeks," Isaac grumbles sleepily, although suddenly sounding irritated. I feel the beginnings of fear wash over my chest once again.

Quickly I begin typing out a reply.

If he's not going to call right now then I'd rather focus on Isaac and myself until he does call. Besides, Isaac suddenly doesn't seem to be in the best of moods and I find myself wanting to push the phone away and distract the child until he's in a better mood.

William's reply makes me frown. Only minutes ago I had been wondering if he was upset — now I suddenly find myself wondering if he's drunk. So I ask him.

"I bet that smiley face totally freaked him out."

I scoff, "I don't think anything freaks him out."

My mind wanders to him rushing into the bathroom when Isaac had called out to me on my first night, to his wide eyes on mine while I cried on the first night like an idiot, and then to him rushing over when I had burst my lip today. And I bite my tongue knowing what a big lie I had just spoken.

The reply comes almost instantly.

"Right," Saara drawls sarcastically, and I find myself smirking at her sarcastic responses to William's texts.

Another second and another ping.

"What did he do today?" Saara demands as soon as I open the message and I begin regretting shuffling beside her earlier in search for warmth.

Now I have to explain all that to her. The hibernating butterflies in my chest once again awaken and begin fluttering wildly.

Pressing send I chuckle awkwardly when I notice Isaac beginning to close his eyes as he lays spread on my lap.

"I don't know what he's talking about," I feign ignorance to my cousin and try to shuffle away when her hand wraps around my arm and keeps me put.

"Tell me!"

Another ping sounds around the room and I tap on the notification widely. Ignoring my cousin completely.

"What was that part? What happened in that part?! Did you two kiss? Is he good?!"

I sigh. There is no winning here.

"He hugged me and kissed my cheek before he left. Like the 'father of my child' should do. Mrs. Red saw everything by the way,"

"Those emojis will totally tell him you're salty,"

"I'm not salty, Poofy," I sigh.

Saara scoffs, "No, you're delusional."

As I press send, I feel my heart sink further and I look down to the now sleeping boy on my lap. Something has begun eating at me now.

"I don't feel good about this," Saara whispers worriedly.

"Me neither," I sigh.

"Caught up with something like what?" Saara scoffs.

Caught up with something... caught up... something...

I don't want to think about it but a dozen possibilities flash before my eyes. One glaringly bright. Him. Cecelia. A bed.

"Gemma," Saara breathes suddenly and I glance up at her to see her looking at me with wide eyes, "You really do like him..."

I don't. I really really don't. It has just been a week! I can't like anyone in a week! I don't like him at all!

"I do," my shoulders shrug at my admission for a feeling even I didn't know I had. When did I start liking William? Today when he took care of my burst lip? The first night when he let me shower in his bathroom and lent me his clothes? The day when I met him, that rainy afternoon?

"Oh PenPen..." Saara sighs softly as she moves closer until she has her arms around me.

I release a sad sigh of my own as I take comfort from her small dainty hands rubbing circles on my back, "I'll just type back my reply I guess."

"What will you say?" Saara asks sadly. I shrug. I don't know yet.

When I press send I feel a lot more in control. Isaac is already asleep so there really isn't a reason to disturb his sleep. Maybe it's better this way.

"Pen, he's replied,"

My eyes snaps to the phone's screen and I gulp before I tap on the new message's notification.

"You're not going back there, are you? You can't hurt yourself living under the same roof with him and his girlfriend — while being his kid's mum!"

I cringe. I know she's coming from a good place. Saara has always been very protective of me for as long as I can remember, as have I. So I know it must be hard for her to even think of me in that house if William likes Cecelia. It's hard for me too, to be honest. Suddenly I wish I could take her along.

But I can't. And it's harder to make Isaac understand that I now have to be at my place and he can only come around during the weekends if he wants to meet me. I had signed myself up for a mother's role. And my mother would never do that to me.

So I type.

"Okay that's it for today," Saara mumbles immediately, grabbing my phone from me before shoving it away, "You're going to stay there now? What about your home here?"

I find myself sighing again.

Honestly, I don't know, but as I start speaking I begin to formulate a timetable while I go. Improvising so that my cousin feels more at ease.

"I'll stay there on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then I'll come around here from Thursday to Sunday. Isaac can stay over from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. How does that sound? Can I have my phone back?"

"It sounds like you're an idiot and no!"

"This is so unrealistic," I groan as I let my head drop onto my hands.

"Colliding with Isaac and then voluntarily deciding to overturn my entire life into this," I motion between a sleeping Isaac and me before continuing, "I don't regret this. Even though it's only been a few days, I have Isaac now and I don't regret it at all! But today Mrs. Red got to 'know', the first person in my little world got to know and it was so hard to lie, to come up with a perfect cover up — and now these new stupid feelings for William. This is so unrealistic!" I mumble sadly, leaning forward I pull my blanket gently over the sleeping boy.

"How do you know what's unrealistic?" Saara retorts immediately making me look up at her in surprise, "There are almost 8 billion people in this world. How can you be accountable for each and everyone of their realities?"

She continues, "I don't agree. These things happen in real life. Single women meet divorced men with kids and make a family! What's new about your story? You're single. William is divorced. Issac and you love each other. Even though it's not official right now... what's wrong if you become a real family?"

"That's the thing, Poofy, it's fake. It's fake right now. Everything that I will be titled, am being titled is fake. It's not me—"

"But it will be! Just shut up and let it happen, okay? William is into you, trust me. Even though he's too serious, and quiet, and a jerk but he's into you. I can tell,"

The butterflies in my chest glide. I on the other hand groan, running my fingers across Isaac's thick straight hair to calm myself,

"And you said I'm an idiot."