Kim Taehyung

       my lips are chapped , my throat is dry , my knuckles are bleeding ,my heart is aching , and my tears are flowing down carelessly.

I stare at the empty bed right infront of me—our bed. This is where everything started and ended. Him in my arms , I'm in his'. From the heated moments to the heartbreaking talks , it ended and started here in this white walled room.

Yes , It has been seven months already but this pain is inevitable, like how hard it is to avoid my love for Jungkook increasing twice the count of days he has left by my side.

——— "Taehyung.." Jungkook started to play with my hair , his breath tickling my nose.

"mhmm?" The corners of my lips tug to form a smile , my eyes closed , pleased at the feeling of him playing with my hair

"Do you love me?"

I quickly opened my eyes and moved backward a little bit to look at Jungkook , "Ofcourse I do"

"Do you love me to the point that you'll let me go if I want to? Do you love me to the point that you'll give up everything just for what I want? Do you love me to the point that you'll give me your sun , moon and stars?" I sat up and so did he , the blanket is still over our naked bodies

I placed both my hands to his cheeks and pressed my head to his forehead "Do you feel unloved by me? Do you feel like this relationship is one sided? Jungkook what's wrong?" I searched his eyes for answers "Ofcourse I'd give up everything just for you , I'd sacrifice every bit of me just to see you happy"

"Do you know what makes me happy?" He removed both my hands that was placed on his cheeks and kissed me "you".

I grinned like an idiot once he pulled back from the kiss but he , he looks—heartbroken. My smile fell , I looked at him confused and placed my palm on his forehead to see if he has a fever.

"I want to see you happy 24/7 , I want to hear your laugh , And I dont want you to cry late at nights nor to make you feel that you're alone in this relationship.

And I know , to see you happy means I need to let go of you. I cannot give you happiness in the future. Fuck , I cant even make you happy. There will never be a day wherein we dont fight or you wont stop crying because I fucked up.

Kim Taehyung , you're my happiness and i'm the one who's bringing you down with me in my misery. I wish you well. I hope you find the one who can show you that you're more than half of his soul." Jungkook gave me a small smile. He removed the sheets and my hand that was resting on his forehead so that he could get his clothes and started to dress.

I sat silently , looking at his bare back , tears brimming on my eyes. When his hand got a hold of the knob I ran to him , hugging him tightly as possible , making sure that he cannot move.

"DONT DO THIS TO ME , PLEASE" I hiccuped and sobbed "JEON JEONGGUK YOU ARE MY HAPPINESS , HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME? How can I be happy when my happiness is you? YOU'RE VERY SELFISH"

I could hear him sobbing too but he just kept quiet "What the fuck was that? You want me to be happy right? Please dont leave , please , please , please." My voice cracked at the last please, my legs started to wobble.

I couldnt handle seeing him leave my life.

"I dont love you anymore" I froze. I loosened my grip on him and slumped down on the floor. He did not look back nor spoke. He clenched and unclenched his fists before twisting the knob and leave.

thats it.

he just left. ———

     I placed my hand on the knob , stuck in the illusion that it was his hand , holding mine , saying you're safe here with me , so dont let go.

Why am I so pathetic? why am I like this? why do I love someone who already has someone new in his heart?.

I lack in so many things. Everything , I lack it. I hate myself.

I guess I deserve this , Jungkook deserved better. He lied to me. He didnt break up with me because he wants me to be happy but it's because he got used to me , he just sugar coated his words knowing that it'll hurt me if I heard the truth.

Am I that too weak? maybe I really am.

    ★

            By now , I'm drowning in alcohol , drinking it as if it's water, drinking it as if I dont feel my throat burning , drinking it as if I dont get reminded of the days Jungkook got angry at me because I drink and smoke too much.

as if I dont get reminded that Jungkook made me soup for my hangovers,

as if I dont get reminded that Jungkook kisses my forehead or temples when I have a major headache,

as if I dont get reminded that Jungkook hides my cigarette boxes in piles of my favorite candy.

as if I dont get reminded that Jungkook once loved me.

as if I dont get reminded that I'm still pathetically in love with him.

♡

        By now , I could've finished the movie that both of us were watching a few nights ago but I cannot bring myself to do it. Finishing watching this movie would feel betrayal because we promised to each other not to watch ahead of each other—not to fall asleep , not to look up spoilers.

But what the hell , who cares anyways? they're not together anymore , their promises and memories meant nothing now.

I finished the movie, like how we finished our relationship.

It was heartbreaking.

☀︎

        I looked at my own reflection on the bathroom mirror , beads of sweat formed on my forehead , my bangs sticking onto my forehead and starts merging into 4-5 spike like shapes. Im a mess and Jungkook would've laughed at me.

——— I stumbled out of the bed once I noticed that Jungkook was nowhere to be found.

My heart is making a noise on my chest , pounding hard , anxious. I flung open the bedroom door and immediately heard sizzling noises and hums making my heart pace go back to its original state.

what was I anxious for?

I proceeded to the kitchen to see Jungkook cooking , his naked bare back facing me and left me with no choice but to surprise him with a back hug

"Good morning babe" I kissed his nape and he jump slightly due to surprise and then looked at me to kiss me on the lips

"Food's ready. Set up the table"

"Will do" I smiled and got us plates and silverware. "Y'know what Jungkook , that apron looks good on you." I smirked and looked at him as he blushed

"But you look better without it"

"KIM TAEHYUNG" ———

I'm not used to the feeling of him not around.

Im not used to the feeling of waking up without seeing his bare back or the sun illuminating his face.

I'm not used to the feeling of not hearing him hum random songs while eating with me every morning

I'm not used to not hearing his laugh

I'm not used to not seeing his smile whenever we talk.

I'm not used to this feeling at all.

He fucked me up real good. He killed me. He changed me. He broke me.

but at the same time he made me feel special , someone who's worth it , he made me feel like the luckiest person in the world to be spending time with him.

he gave me the reason on why I should never give up. he made mondays better and cold nights warmer.

Jeon Jeongguk is now only a fragment of my memory. He now only exists in the photo albums that we both collected , in the silly sticky notes that we both drew and wrote on every day to lighten up each other's mood , in the cold sweaters and hoodies that we both used to share , in the conversations that we had at the balcony , in the cold bed that we used to share and in the kiss marks that he left me , which were slowly fading.

.f a d i n g.