Jeon Jeongguk

I rubbed my aching head with my free hand due to the lack of sleep and mentally groaned. I carefully sat up , making my movements minimal to avoid noise.

I then looked at the boy sleeping beside me , our hands intertwined , his eyebrows furrowed making me softly poke it , in hopes of returning it to it's relaxed state.

As hours (or what it seemed like) passed by just staring at the boy , I felt a weird and familiar feeling on my stomach , oh no not this again. I felt my eyes burning , tears threatening to come out , my breathing is short and fast paced , my chest is aching and I kept clenching and unclenching my free hand to stop whatever it is I'm feeling.

Then I let out a whimper , that's when I started to sob quietly. I hugged my knees and cried , my shoulders shaking. I glanced at Taehyung , afraid that I'll wake him up.

why cant I get used to this feeling?

I started to focus on calming myself but every time I think about calming myself makes it worse.

Taehyung , I'm sorry. If only you knew that you're in love with someone who's a suicidal mess.

With someone who always feels like he's in an endless battlefield , losing.

With someone who lost hope and cannot find himself anymore.

With someone who refuses to seek help and worry so much about others , not taking care of himself.

With someone who loves you but cannot even bring to love himself.

With someone who loves your flaws but cannot bring to love his'.

If only you knew that you're in love with the wrong person , If only you knew that you're in love with a person full of lies and facades.

But think about it : Taehyung , the guy who always smiles and is radiant , is dating someone who's timid , sad and never spent the night without crying quietly.

It's a bad sight. It ruins his reputation.

Taehyung shifted , letting go of my hand, making me stiff and watched him as he keeps on tossing and turning and finally faced his back on me. I stayed still until his soft snores filled the bedroom.

I relaxed my muscles and looked at his back , thinking what will happen if I've left him and how I'll miss looking at him , making marks on his back , kissing him , whispering sweet nothings on his ear , making breakfast for him , telling each other's stories about their day , sleeping in with him at weekends , watching a movie and sleep towards the end together , exchange sweet messages—

And then thats when I started to tear up again , a little bit louder now. I bit my lower lip , hard , just to subside the noise that I'm making. This is a routine , yet everytime it happens , it always feels like the first time.

Taehyung deserves someone better.

This is what I kept on telling myself ever since we exchanged kisses. He deserves someone better.

But I love him so much. It's hard to let him go.  I'm difficult to understand arent I?

I'm always saying that he deserves someone better , someone not fucked up like me , yet I cant bring myself to let go of him , to tell him the truth , the truth that I'll just hurt him in the end.

I dont need any saving. I cant be saved. I'm stuck. And all I can do is to endure and lie to him every morning when we wake up.

And it hurts to lie in front of him. It felt like I was killing the Jungkook he knows every time I lie. The Jungkook he fell in love with.

☹️

        I groaned and pry open my eyes to find an empty space next to me. I sat up and made my way to the bathroom to look at my reflection , trying to find any signs of the episode I had last night and to my delight , There's none , unlike the ones I had before. I washed my face and got out of the room , to find Taehyung asleep on the couch , a pen on his hand.

I chuckled at the sight and looked at the sticky notes on the coffee table

to : the luckiest boyfriend ever

enjoy this meal I made for you! I woke up extra early for it and tried my best not to fuck it up haha joke , anyways enjoy. Start your day with a smile!

fr: the best boyfriend ever

I weakly smiled at the note and stared at Taehyung. I dont deserve him. I woke him up by tapping on his shoulder , and before fully opening his eyes , I kissed him.

It was a gentle kiss , informing him that I'm just here by his side , always. I could feel him smiling from the kiss , I did so too. I leaned back and saw that his face grew red.

"Good morning Taehyung" I smirked

"G-good morning" he blushed

"So what is this meal that you're talking about that you've woken up early for?" He looked at me with wide eyes before looking at the sticky notes in front of him and hurriedly crumpling it but I stopped him and took the note , smoothening it out

"This is a cute letter. I'll save it" I smiled and tuck it on the pocket of my hoodie.

He ignored my statement and proceeded to go to the dining area , in which I followed.

😕

Kim Taehyung is the sole reason why I'm still breathing and matching his breathing pattern as he sleep.

Kim Taehyung taught me how to calm myself down at my worst (which failed anyways) and , he taught me how to love my skin even more.

——— I moaned as he sucked and kissed my neck over and over again. "Ta-Taehyung" I stuttered as he made his way down to my chest , stopping to play with my buds.

"mhmm?" he muttered , letting go of my buds , down to my stomach. My anxiety growing bigger as he nears my thighs. I grabbed his shoulders , stopping him on going further.

He looked at me in confusion and asked why , I bit my lip "I havent showered" he rolled his eyes and proceeded but again , I grabbed his shoulders , now with force making him wince and sit up

"I-I'm not in the mood"

"But your moans says otherwise" he raised his right eyebrow , now getting impatient.

"I'm sorry but not now" I looked away. He carefully lowered himself on my chest and made me look at him , "Is it because of your scars?" He whispered

I looked at him with surprise , my eyes wide , my heart thumping loud , clearly wanting to get out of my chest. He kissed me softly and then there , that's when I broke down , for the first time in the middle of our kiss.

He leaned back and hugged me , I placed my head on the crook of his neck as he made circles on my back.

"I dont know how you got those scars and why but what I'm sure of is that you should never hide them from me. Remember what I told you? All your imperfections , I mean ALL of it , I'll love them because this is what makes you , Jeon Jeongguk , you.

These scars are your memories , proof that you've gone through a lot and now they're healing slowly. That you're slowly moving on. It always takes time. You should never be ashamed of your scars Jungkook."

will you say the same things if you've heard the story behind my scars? will you love these scars?

for now , i'll keep the reason hidden from you and start to love these scars too.

because there'll be a time in where i'll lose the ability to love something , to feel something , to look at something , to walk on something—in where I'll lose the ability to tell you that I'll hold on , and the only thing that I can say is

I lost , I gave up , I'm sorry.———

he told me that attempting suicide is not the only way to solve your problems.

but he was wrong.