Chapter Fifty

Nina managed to keep down a cup of tea and the smallest bowl of porridge. That seemed to please Lilah who just before lunch headed out to her beautician appointment. Waxing and primping was no easy task when you were a model, yet she'd said she'd stay if Nina had still felt ill.

She'd returned to bed, but as she lay there, thinking, worrying, she knew the nausea and headache was for an entirely different reason. Could she be pregnant? As she spent the morning trying to justify alternatives in her head, in reality she knew that there was a high chance that she was pregnant. Though that was the bloody worst thing that could happen. Then she thought about a baby, what that would mean and sighed. She'd waited her whole life to love freely and be loved back unconditionally. That was exactly what a baby would bring. Positivity, future, happiness. She wasn't wearing rose tinted spectacles, she knew parenthood wasn't an easy thing...but the thought made her heart sing. She knew what made a bad parent, now she had to try and be a good parent, the parent her child deserved, the parent she should have had.

But it was something that she wasn't prepared for, she hadn't ever imagined that it would happen; she never thought she'd meet someone she cared about, let alone start a family with. Then she felt even more nauseous, this wasn't a joke. If she was...her life was about to change...she wasn't ready for that. Her work, her life...she had no one to help her...

Then she thought about Theo, this would tie her to him forever. That wasn't something she could think about at the moment. Then her mind cast to her best friend, so recently devastated by her rape and then losing the baby that she had thought she didn't want. Could anything be more badly timed?

When Nina heard the front door close, she knew she had a short time to do something. She could lie in bed and pretend that nothing was happening, or she could make a short trip to the pharmacy and know for definite if Lilah's joke was a reality.

She'd taken the pill for as long as she could remember, and she had no idea when her last period had been as they were few and far between because of that, so she couldn't work out if this was a viable suggestion or not. But as she'd laid in bed listening to Lilah unpacking, singing, uncaring of the devastation mounting in the bedroom across the hall, Nina had googled symptoms of pregnancy. There were loads that she didn't have, spotting, hot flushes, thrush, bleeding gums, it was a long list. But there were equally as many that she did have - painful boobs...check, nausea and/or vomiting...check, stomach cramps...oh yes, diarrhoea, bloating...fatigue - she could barely open her eyes, and then the sensitivity to smells.

Shit.

She had to get the test, then work out how the fuck she dealt with this.

There was a corner shop that would probably stock a test, but she wasn't about to face the scrutiny of Mrs Morrison who worked there. She'd be the topic of conversation at the WI for months. Instead she walked to the pharmacy across town. She still hadn't found her keys so she couldn't drive to a supermarket.

So she found herself slinking around the shop like a teenager buying condoms, the test, some decongestant, and more hot lemons were her alibi...but as she walked home she realised that she might not be able to take the meds if the test was positive.

Lilah was in the hallway when she got back.

"If you needed something I would have got it for you."

Nina smiled waving the plastic bag containing the meds in front of her friend, "I needed some more meds to beat this bloody bug, and I needed some fresh air. It was good for me."

Lilah shook her head, "this is why bugs last too long! You never listen to reason and NEVER accept help young lady!"

Rolling her eyes Nina smiled, "so what are you doing back so soon? I thought you'd be gone a while."

Lilah groaned, "I got my times wrong. My hair isn't for another hour, so I just had mani/pedi." She flashed her nails, "shall I bring us some dinner back? That new Thai place?"

Nina pointed at herself, "sick person here. Don't think a pad thai or green curry is the answer!"

"Ooops. Maybe I'll get us some fish and chips? A little more bland."

Smiling Nina nodded, then passed her and headed up stairs to change back into her pj's and hide the pregnancy test. She wasn't sure if Lilah's recent miscarriage was the only reason she wasn't sharing this with her friend.

"I'll be about two hours." Lilah called up the stairs and hour later, "you'll be ok?"

Nina thought she'd feel relief, but she was terrified, her heart started to pound out of control and the nausea threatened to overwhelm her. "Fine. Don't worry. See you later."

She was amazed that her voice was so calm, she felt anything but. As the door clicked closed she found her jacket, the test was tucked inside the pocket. But crossing the hallway was almost painful. The test informed her that she'd know in four minutes if her life was about to change beyond belief.

Then her bladder didn't play ball. She sat on the toilet for what felt like an hour but was probably less than half, drinking pints of water desperate for it to pass through her, but equally savouring the moments before she knew. Once she looked at the test result there was no going back.

Finally she could toss the white stick into the sink. Then ran back to her bedroom. Sat cross legged on the bed she tried to make sense of things. If she was pregnant...she'd have to speak to Theo, tell him. She thought about the letter, she'd thought that the hardest decision she had to make was whether or not to speak to him in light of finding that note. Now she could well be telling him that they were going to be linked together forever.

It was a scary thought.

An alarm on her phone signalled the end of the four minutes, far quicker than she imagined. Standing she staggered on her wobbly legs. Crossing the bedroom and then the hallway to the bathroom took her an age. She'd never been so scared, so unsure, so unsteady.

The stick was face down in the sink where she'd left it and she stared at it for an age before she reached for it.

Two lines...positive...pregnant.

Theo checked on his sleeping daughter for what must have been the tenth time since she'd fallen asleep. She'd spent the afternoon with her mother, and she was home, safe, loved...and happy. He had to remember that it was what was best for her. Melody was all that mattered.

He wasn't confident that Sadie would stay on board and do the right thing, but it had started well. SO why did it feel so painful?

Downstairs he looked at the glass he'd placed next to the whisky bottle. He remembered what Nina had said, that he was no worse than Sadie, finding solace in the bottom of a glass...but that was worse since she'd gone. Was it possible that losing Nina was having more of an impact than his hassles with his ex? He hadn't met a woman who understood him as well as she did, and he had started to taste real happiness with her, and he'd blown it, with his insecurity, his jealousy and his distrust. She did nothing wrong, he knew she wasn't blameless in life per se, but in this particular round of arguments, and they'd had a lot, she wasn't at fault.

Picking up the glass he threw it across the kitchen so that it shattered against the sink. He had to get a grip, he was on the verge of losing his grandfather, a man who meant SO much to him, he was looking at losing some time with his daughter, and he'd chased Nina away. He'd be a sad and lonely man if he didn't change things soon.

It was cold, but as Nina turned her face up to the winter sun she couldn't feel it. She was sat on a bench outside the doctor's surgery trying to take in all that she'd just been told. The positive test had weighed on her conscious since she'd seen it; she needed to know what to do for the baby and more importantly what not to do.

She gasped. She was having a baby. It was still such a shock, something she'd never considered, even for a moment in her whole life, but then prior to Theo she'd kept every man in her life at arm's length. This was never in her future, but now as she sat there with a bag full of information and an appointment for an ultrasound scan, she realised that it was exactly what she needed. There was no alternative, she wasn't about to terminate this child, nor would she give it up. Suddenly her little world of one was going to become crowded, and rather than terrify her, it made her feel pleased, like this was always meant to happen.

Smiling to herself she looked up in the sky at the clear blue sky and revelled in the fact that by the time the next winter arrived, she'd be a mother...if all things went well. She couldn't count her chickens, not after all that had happened to Lilah.

Lilah. She couldn't help but feel anguish at the thought of telling her friend, neither of them had even envisaged having children, now here she was pregnant just a few weeks after Lilah lost her baby. The wicked hand twisted hand of fate.

Lilah was heading to New York in a few days, and then Nina had her hospital appointment, the doctor was keen to identify her gestational level as she was so unsure herself. Her periods were very irregular, and now that she had time to reflect, she knew that it was more than two months since she'd last slept with Theo. That meant that she was a lot further forward than most people were when they discovered this.

And two days later, after her best acting performance to convince her housemate that she was ok, Nina was lying on a hospital bed, her stomach bared and a sonographer explaining that she was twenty one weeks pregnant. Over halfway, and due in June. And that felt far too quick. She couldn't even have a stiff drink to deal with it all. As she left the hospital and wandered aimlessly out into a winter afternoon, she missed her gran...and her mother. There was no one to share this with, to tell her what to do, how to be a mother. She hadn't had one, she'd died too young, so she had no idea what she needed to do, how to look after a baby. And that caused real pain in the centre of her chest.

But this was real and there was nowhere to hide. She had to face Theo, tell him that they were having a baby. The relationship might have ended, but now she'd have the torture of facing him regularly, being involved in his life, but not being in his life. Despite all that had happened between them. With a sigh, she reached into her bag and pulled out the letter and read it once more. Even if she could forgive him, how could they rekindle what rapidly became toxic? How could she subject a baby to that?

Pocketing the letter she started the walk home, through town, along the seafront. It was a great place to live, but suddenly she knew that moving to her father's house might be the best thing. Though she felt free at the coast, close to the half of her family that loved her, London represented all the oppression of a youth spent with a famous and important father who had no time for kids. But it made sense.

As she drank hot chocolate in a café overlooking the stormy sea, she was grateful for a moment of lucidness for her recently turbulent belly. And it was only then that she thought back to the date she now knew was when this baby was conceived, that day when she booked the hotel across the road from Theo's office and they'd had a much needed clandestine encounter. Ironic know that something no one was to know about ended up labelling their failed relationship forever.

Too much thinking. She needed to engross herself in work, get up todate, then plan when she was going to find Theo and change his life, that was not a conversation she was looking forward to, she had a feeling it would break her in two.