Warning: this chapter contains mild talk of self-harm, suicide and homosexual slurs

Chapter Three

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Eli's eyes snapped open and he jolted straight up from the bed, looking around confused. The bright light shined in through the window and burned his eyes. He quickly closed them shut and grabbed his aching head. Opening them slightly, he looked at the scattered clothes across the floor, realizing they were his...and someone else's. His heart pounded quickly in his chest and he could hear the blood coursing quickly through his veins. Eli looked down at his arms, his wounds exposed to whoever was in the bed next to him. Slowly, he pulled back the covers and revealed a sleeping, bleached blonde head. Eli jumped back in surprise and fell off the bed.

He rubbed his head and furrowed his brows in confusion, trying to remember what had happened last night. When he rose, he saw Kael now sitting up, rubbing his temples with his index fingers. Eli had a small ounce of hope that Kael didn't remember seeing his arms, and pulled on his shirt quickly, then the rest of his clothing.

"Eli- oh my god." Kael's eyes were wide when he looked at Eli. "What the fuck did we do?" Eli almost laughed, but he knew it was an inappropriate time for that.

"I guess you can assume..." Kael's eyes scanned the room, his eyes lingering on the clothes next to him on the floor. He groaned and grabbed a pillow, pressing it to his face roughly.

"Fuck!" Kael cursed loudly, his voice muffled through the pillow.

"Shit! Fuck is right, I gotta go," said Eli after he checked the time and realized he had already missed two classes. Checking the room one last time to be sure he hadn't forgotten anything, he headed out the door.

"Elijah, wait!" Kael called after him. Eli stopped at the doorway and turned around. Kael's face was red and his expression was confused. He couldn't wrap his mind around all of this, not now. "Can we talk about this? What happened last night?"

Eli pursed his lips and looked down at the ground. "You know where we first met? I'll be there after school, but I really gotta go." Without another word or a pause to let him speak, Eli ran down the stairs and out the door into the empty streets. He didn't have time to go home for his bag, so he went to school without it, making it there halfway through lunch.

When he entered the school, people looked his way and their eyes lingered longer than they used to. Eli knew something was wrong so he dipped into the bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror, checking himself out and almost gasped. His hair was a mess, he looked exhausted and he had a trail of hickeys up his neck. In a panic, he pulled up his sweater, trying to cover it, but it didn't work all that well. Eli kept his head low as he made his way to the cafeteria, scanning the large room for his friends. He spotted them in the back corner, laughing and sharing a large bag of chips.

The first person to see him was Hayden and he did not look happy. He stood up immediately as Eli approached, his fists clenched in rage. Eli had never seen him this angry before, there was never a reason and Eli didn't think there was a reason then either.

"How could you not tell me you were a fucking fag?" Hayden hissed loudly, causing some unwanted attention towards them. Eli looked up at him, his eyes pleading for Hayden to sit down and stop being so loud. He could feel the eyes of Maxxie, Bea and Raine burning into the back of his skull as he stared down Hayden.

"I'm not." Eli tried to defend himself, his shaky voice cracking as he was on the verge of tears, but it only made Hayden noticeably angrier. None of his friends tried to help, they didn't try to intervene or stop Hayden, they just sat and watched like it was a teen drama show.

"I think fucking a guy considers you a faggot, Eli," Hayden quickly gave up when Eli didn't respond, seeing how terrified he was. He closed his eyes and sat back down in his chair. "Just- I thought we were friends and I thought you would've told me."

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," muttered Eli and immediately regretted it. Hayden's eyes snapped open and he looked up at Eli, his eyes full of worry and concern.

"What did you say?" He asked, his eyes flicking back and forth while looking into Eli's, trying to read him like a book, little did he realize that Eli was bound shut.

"Nothing," Eli replied as the sound of the bell echoed through the cafeteria and students began filing out all at once, their group of friends included.

"Yeah...I'll see you later," said Hayden as Eli turned away to follow the crowd, walking alone, maneuvering his way through the halls swiftly and disappearing from Hayden's gaze.

* * *

Eli's classes went by agonizingly slow, as teachers yelled at students for interrupting and misbehaving, while they tried to teach bullshit things that were more or less useless, especially to those who didn't even want to attend school in the first place. Eli didn't understand why he was even sitting at that desk in that class, he wasn't even going to remember what the teacher had taught him, it was useless information being stored in his brain that he will take with him to the grave.

The end of the day bell rang and everyone rose from their seats as the teacher reminded them of their assignment that was due a week from then. Eli pushed through the crowds of people, moving quickly towards the exit to escape the school before he was confronted by another one of his friends. As he finally exited the building, he sighed in relief. Just as he thought he was home free, a voice called him from behind. Eli cursed under his breath and turned around with a wide smile on his face.

"Hey, Maxxie," said Eli as Maxxie and Raine approached him. Their faces were bright, and their hands were intertwined. "I see you finally asked her." Eli was talking through almost clenched teeth. Everything just kept getting worse and worse for him this week, he just wanted it to be over.

"Yeah, I asked her last night," Maxxie said, his smile as wide as ever. Eli unclenched his jaw, letting out a small sigh. He wanted Maxxie to be happy, he really did, but he didn't trust Raine to not break his poor heart.

"That's awesome. I'm happy for you guys." Eli genuinely was, but he way it spat out was on the more sarcastic side and neither of them happened to pick up on it.

"Speaking of love..." Raine raised her eyebrows at Eli as she elongated the o, "I heard that you hooked up with someone last night." Just as he was warming up to the idea of them dating, Raine opened her mouth and made things worse. That was one thing Eli did not want to talk about, not now, not ever.

Eli closed his eyes and sighed. "It wasn't that, we just kissed." Raine looked Eli up and down then laughed while rolling her eyes.

"Those marks on your neck say otherwise." She giggled to herself and readjusted her hand that was holding Maxxie's. Eli smiled involuntarily, the whole situation was kind of funny to him, in a weird, twisted way.

"Bea told us what happened," Maxxie blurted out and Eli blinked in confusion. "She's pissed at you for calling her an attention seeker for hurting herself and she's been telling everyone what you said to her. When she found out what happened last night, she told everyone that too." Eli didn't know how to feel. The entire school knew about him fucking a guy at a party, everyone knew his secret that he himself had just found out, all because of what he said to Bea. He knew this was his own fault, he knew karma would get him for it, but he didn't think it would be this bad, he didn't think he deserved this much backlash.

"Great, so in a matter of two days, I went down to only having two friends. Both Bea and Hayden hate me." Maxxie looked at Eli sympathetically and frowned, then looked at the ground. He wanted to yell at them for not backing up when Hayden attacked him, but he could see that they cared and that was enough for him to let it slide.

"Well, we should get going," Raine said, breaking the awkward silence. They bid their goodbyes and Eli walked away, heading towards his favourite spot. Halfway there, he grabbed a cigarette from his bag and placed it between his lips. While feeling around for his lighter, he felt his phone ring in his pocket, scrambling to grab it. He answered it without checking, holding it against his ear with his shoulder.

"Hello?" Eli said as he found his lighter and lit his cigarette.

"Elijah? What was that sound...it sounded like a lighter? Are you smoking?" His mother asked worriedly through the phone. Eli's eyes widened and he blew out a cloud of smoke, holding back a cough.

"No, I'm not smoking. I know better," he said and his mother sighed in relief.

"Good boy. Are you on your way to pick up your sister now?" She asked and he stopped in his tracks. Of course, of course he had forgotten, no offence to Fawn, but he had more important things on his mind.

"Yep," Eli lied again, turning on his heels and heading in the direction of her school, "almost there." He hated lying to his mother, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

"Okay. Dinner is in the oven, you just have to warm it up, your father will be home around 5, I have to pull a double shift tonight, Amanda called in sick again." A frown tugged at Eli's lips.

Their mother worked so hard for so little. As a nurse, she had to work long shifts and was obligated to stay if the next person couldn't come in, which seemed to happen often. Even so, she would never miss an opportunity to work more. Both his parents worked full time, but there never seemed to be enough money coming in to pay for the necessities. They have almost been evicted many times, but their mother would never let them go to bed hungry.

"I'll see you tomorrow then. I love you, don't work too hard."

"I love you too, Elijah. Thank you for being such an amazing son." Eli looked down at his cigarette, feeling guilty, then dropped it onto the road and put it out with his foot.

"Bye." He hung up the phone and put it back into his pocket as he quickly walked towards Fawn's school. When he got there, the bell had just rung and little children ran out to their parents. As soon as Fawn spotted Eli, her eyes lit up and she ran up to him, hugging his legs. He scooped her up into his arms, hugging her tightly.

"How was school?" He asked her while her small hand held his finger.

"It was okay, I got cookies, but a boy was being mean to me. He said my hair is ugly." Stopping, Eli turned around and asked her to show him which boy. She pointed at a chubby boy with spiked blonde hair and he noticed, sticking his tongue out at her.

"Hmm.." He contemplated. "Why don't we go over and talk to his mommy?"

"Really? You'd do that?" Fawn was scared, but intrigued, so they walked over. The mother was talking with someone as the son was on the ground, smashing toy cars into each other. Eli tapped her on the shoulder and her conversation ended abruptly. She turned around with a scoff, extremely offended by Eli interrupting her.

"Yes?" She snapped, looking at Fawn then back at Eli, unimpressed with how he looked. "What do you want?"

"Is this your son?" Eli asked, gesturing to the little boy who stood up, crossing his arms over his chest. The mother grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to her.

"Yes, why? The other woman she was talking to before was now listening in on the conversation as well.

"It seems that your son has been bullying my sister, and I was wondering if you would have a chat with him." Eli was nice about the situation, but she laughed right in his face.

"He obviously just has a crush on her, you know how boys are," she said laughing it off. The woman behind her was not impressed with this mother as much as Eli.

"Ma'am, with all due respect, this is a new era, a new generation where a response like that is not tolerated. Your son is hurting Fawn, whether he has a crush or not, you should teach him to treat people with respect, bullying someone whether you like them or not is wrong." The mother was taken aback, appalled at his comment and grabbed her son roughly by the arm, pulling him away from Eli and Fawn.

"People need to hear things like that," the other woman said, giving him a smile before pushing her stroller away, her daughter hanging onto the handle walking beside. Eli put Fawn down so she could walk on her own while he held her My Little Pony backpack. She hopped over cracks on the side walks and tried to run off whenever she saw an animal or another kid nearby. Eli always managed to get her to stay on track to head home without detours, always reminding her of her dolls at home that she will get to play with.

They passed by some stores and Eli always looked in, observing people living their day to day lives, but when he saw Kael inside one of them, he stopped in his tracks, remembering he was supposed to meet him almost an hour ago. Opening the door, a bell above him chimed. Kael and the cashier both look up at Eli, Kael's face blank, with a hint of annoyance.

"What happened to meeting me?" He asked with an attitude, then looked down at Fawn. "Oh." Kael's face softened, and he gave her a small smile.

"I'm sorry, I forgot I had to pick her up from school." Fawn looked up at Kael nervously and pulled on the bottom of Eli's shirt lightly. He crouched down and she whispered in his ear.

"Who's he? Is he your boyfriend?" Her voice got louder as she said boyfriend, and she began to squeal excitedly.

"No, no." Eli laughed nervously. "He's a friend, his name is Kael."

"Like the vegetable?" Fawn asked confused and he raised an eyebrow, then crouched to the level they were at.

"Yes, just like the vegetable," Kael gave her a sideways smile, "what's your name?"

"Fawn. Like the deer." Kael held out his hand and she shook it.

"Nice to meet you Fawn." She giggled and he stood back up. Eli stood up too and fixed his shirt, thinking about how well Kael was with children, wondering if he had any siblings himself. As Eli opened his mouth to ask, Fawn pulled on his shirt again.

"Eli, what happened to your neck?" She asked innocently and his eyes widened. Kael held back a laugh as he looked at Eli's neck and mouthed an apology.

"You know what? I think it's time to go home," Eli said, adjusting his sweater to try and hide the hickeys. "I'll see you around I guess."

"See you around." Kael winked and Eli turned around, feeling his face go red.

* * *

As soon as they walked through the door, the loud echo of rock music and the putrid smell of perfume surrounded them, signifying their other siblings were indeed home. Eli told Fawn to go play in her room while he warmed up dinner and she scurried up the stairs. Making sure no one was wandering around the house, Eli snuck up stairs into his mother's room, searching through her makeup for something to hide the marks on his neck.

"What are you doing?" His sister Odessa asked, stepping into the room. Eli turned, his mouth hung open looking for the words to explain himself. Odessa's eyes landed on his neck and she sighed. "That isn't going to help," she said, gesturing to the bottle of setting spray in his hand.

"Please help." He let out a small laugh and Odessa shut the door quietly, picking up each bottle to figure out which is which. She sat Eli down on their parents' bed and applied the makeup. Eli shivered at the sudden cold of the makeup and giggled as she blended it in.

"All done." Eli stood up and walked over to the mirror, amazed that you could only vaguely see the dark purple bruises. He smiled wide and hugged his sister tightly.

"Thank you," he said and kissed the top of her head, "please don't tell anyone."

"Fine, but you owe me one." Odessa returned to her room and Eli went downstairs to begin dinner. He walked into the kitchen and glanced at the time, seeing it was 5:37.

Eli furrowed his brows and pulled his phone from his pocket to confirm that was the actual time. He preheated the oven, then went upstairs, knocking on the twins' bedroom door.

"Yes?" Renee asked as she swung open the door, her hand on her hip.

"Did dad come home at all yet?" Eli questioned and she paused for a moment to think, then turned to Odessa who was laying on her bed reading a book.

For identical twins, they were very different. You wouldn't even think that they were related based on personality alone. Odessa had a very calm, approachable personality. She was shy and quiet, her nose always in a book. Renee, however, was loud and obnoxious, glued to her phone all the time and usually out with her friends.

"Dad home?" Renee asked her sister and she didn't look up from her book, replying with a flat 'no'. Renee shrugged and went to close the door, but then stopped herself. "So I heard a rumour about you at school."

Eli's heart raced and tried not to show his nervousness. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It was something about you hooking up with a guy at a party last night." Renee narrowed her eyes at him, trying to get him to confess, but it was no luck.

"I was at Hayden's last night, who even has a party on a Tuesday?" She rolled her eyes, knowing he wouldn't crack, and slammed the door in his face. Muttering under his breath, he mocked what she had said to him, then went into his room where the loud rock music was coming from.

He opened the blinds, letting the sunlight bleed through the windows as his brother winced at the light. Eli turned the music down and ignored his brother's pleas for him to stop and turn it back up, then plugged in his phone and headed back downstairs to the kitchen. He wasn't even halfway down when the music grew louder. Eli grumbled to himself and rolled his eyes.

The oven beeped, signifying that it was preheated, and Eli put the casserole in to warm it up. While he was waiting, he tidied up the kitchen and did some dishes then set the table. Just before it was all warmed up, he told his siblings to wash their hands and come sit at the table. As they all made their way to the dining room he noticed their father still wasn't home.

Eli placed the casserole on the table and dished out an equal portion to each of them, a little bit less for Fawn. The only sound that filled the room was that of metal clanging against glass. The lock on the front door clicked and Eli stood up to check who it was. Their father stumbled in and closed the door behind him.

"Where have you been?" Eli asked him, and he scoffed.

"What are you? My wife?" His words were slurred and instead of arguing, Eli went back to the table to eat. His loud footsteps carried up the stairs, and then to his bedroom, where he slammed the door shut. Eli's siblings looked to him for answers, but he looked down at his food and ate quickly.

When they were all done, Eli cleaned up and then headed upstairs for a shower. He locked the bathroom door and set the shower to his desired temperature; very hot. Undressing, he looked at himself in the mirror, thinking about how hideous he felt, then unwrapped the gauze from his wound. As soon as he stepped into the shower and the water hit his body, his arms began to sting and he looked down at them with a frown. He rubbed them gently under the water, some of them opened back up, causing the water rushing down the drain to be tinted red.

Eli's bathroom held a lot of memories for him. It was where he was potty trained when he was young and where he lost his first tooth at the age of 9. It was where he had his first bath and where his father taught him how to shave, but it was also where he pulled apart a razor for the first time to extract a blade. It was where he made the first self-inflicted wound on his body and the same place he ran when he really wanted to end his life for the first time. It was where he rummaged through his mother's pills and consumed the first container he thought would be harmful, but was unsuccessful because he didn't know what would kill him back then.

Eli stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He stepped from the bathroom into his room and grabbed his phone. To his surprise, he had a lot of DM's and follow requests on Instagram. Eli looked at his phone confused and accepted the follow requests then checked his DM's. Immediately, he regretted it. All the messages generally told him he was a horrible person for what he did to Bea and he should kill himself because he's going to hell anyway for being gay.

Going off the app, Eli deleted it and checked his text messages, but he only had one and it was from Hayden. The text message was the same as the DM's he received and he sighed, then put his phone back down.

"Ew, put some clothes on," Eli's brother, Dylan, snarled as he walked into the room and laid on his bed. A flash of panic passed over Eli and he turned his back to Dylan, in an attempt to hide his arms. Eli quickly dressed, then left the room to check on Fawn.

When he entered the room, he saw her playing with her dollhouse in her pyjamas while talking to herself quietly as she moved the barbies around. Eli chuckled to himself quietly, then said, "It's time for bed, kiddo."

"But Eli," Fawn pouted as she looked at him, her arms crossed, the dolls still held in her small hands, "Barbie was just about to go on vacation with Sally!"

"How about this, you go to sleep now, then you can get up early and play, Barbie can wait for a vacation until tomorrow." She thought about it for a moment and then nodded in agreement, setting the dolls on their own beds before climbing into hers.

"Okay, I can do that," Eli pulled the blankets up to her neck and tucked her in. "Can you check under my bed for monsters?"

"Of course I can." Slowly, he crouched to the ground and laid flat on his stomach, looking under the dark bed. "You're all clear."

"Okay. Goodnight Eli, I love you," Fawn said as he stood up and then kissed her lightly on the forehead.

"Goodnight, sleep tight. I love you too." Before he left her room he turned on her nightlight, then turned off the light. Eli looked at her one last time before he left, her eyes were closed, and her small arms were hugging a stuffed dolphin. He smiled and closed the door tightly, then knocked on the twins' room. Renee yelled for him to come in, and he opened the door, seeing both of them laying on their beds, Renee preoccupied with her phone and Odessa engrossed in a book.

"Going to bed anytime soon?" Eli asked them, his eyebrow raised. Renee laughed and shook her head lightly. When he was that age he always stayed up on his phone or doing whatever, not wanting to go to sleep, but now he finds it difficult to sleep anyways.

"Not a chance. I doubt you are either," she said, her eyes still glued to her phone, "have you seen what's being said about you? Everyone hates you, dude. Even my friends who barely know you."

"Well, it isn't true," Eli defended and Renee looked up from her phone, her facial expression doubtful.

"Which part? That you called Bea an attention seeker and should kill herself, or the part that you hooked up with a guy at a party?" She looked back down at her phone and began typing away. He was unsure of why she kept emphasizing that it was with a guy that he hooked up with, she had never shown signs of being homophobic before.

"I did not call Bea an attention seeker, nor did I tell her to kill herself," He exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. In his mind, Eli thought this was just another ploy of Bea's to get attention, by playing the victim card, making Eli seem like a horrible, horrible person, when he wasn't. Hurting herself and showing the world clearly wasn't enough for her, but maybe destroying a person would be.

"Aha! So you admit you slept with a guy." Renee sat up quickly, her eyes widened and her finger pointed at him accusingly.

"No, I-" Eli stopped before he dug himself into an even deeper hole. Odessa closed her book loudly, slamming it on the bed next to her, staring into her sister's eyes.

"Do I hear some internalized homophobia, Nee? Just leave him alone. If he doesn't want to tell you then so be it. Why do you have to push? Clearly, he's uncomfortable with the topic and will talk about it when he wants to." Odessa looked at Eli and gave him a nod.

"I'm not homophobic, it's just weird," said Renee with a shrug. Angrily, Odessa stood up and walked over to her bed, slapping her harshly across the face.

"I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you, but knock it off. Your 'friends' are bad for you, they are making you think like this," Renee held her face, staring at Odessa in shock. Eli slowly backed out of the room, closing the door quietly to let them sort out their problems on their own.

He went back to his room and when he entered, he saw Dylan laying on his bed with his headphones on, his music blasted so loud Eli could hear it from where he stood. He turned off their bedroom light, then turned on the lamp beside his bed and pulled out his notebook and a pen.

Since these depressive feelings had occurred, Eli tried every way to self-medicate, be that through writing, exercise, eating healthy, or going outside and enjoying the fresh air. He can't say it didn't help because it did. It made him feel better, but only for a little while until he was pulled back in. Eli found writing to be the best escape though. His favourite was through stories because he could express how he was feeling without directly saying it, and through the life of a made-up character and no one would think twice if they read it, that it was indeed about him. As he wrote, he got lost in the words as he scribbled them down quickly. His mind moved faster than his hand, but he managed to get all his ideas out onto the paper.

The slam of a door broke him from his concentration, and then he heard something shatter. Eli jumped from his bed and opened his door just a crack to peer out. The voices of his parents got louder as they came up the stairs arguing about something.

"Why do you do this on the nights I have to work so late? What if something happened to our children?" Their mother's voice grew angry, and she stopped at the top of the stairs staring at their father as he slowly walked up them.

"Kathryn, the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. Why can't I kick back for one night?" His words were more slurred than when he came home earlier, implying that he had been drinking since then.

"You can, just not the nights I'm working until dawn. Do it when I am home so I can watch the children." Their mother's tone was exasperated, she could not fathom how irresponsible and childish he was being.

"Whatever." Their father grumbled and pushed past her and into the bedroom. Eli watched as she hung her head low and placed her hand on her forehead with a sigh, then followed after him. It wasn't often that their parents fought, it also wasn't often that their father drank. When they fought, it was usually due to lack of money, which was the fault of their father blowing his paychecks on God knows what.

Eli closed his door and got back into bed, skimming over what he had written. He then shut his notebook and put it in his drawer, then checked the time on his phone. Frowning at the time, he decided it was best to go to sleep, even if it was only for an hour or so. His eyes shut involuntarily, he was much more tired than he thought he was.