Warning: this chapter contains talk of self-harm, suicide, and suicidal thoughts

Chapter One

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Eli sat alone on a park bench, a cigarette placed loosely between his lips as he sparked his lighter and brought it to the end, breathing in deeply as it lit, letting the smoke from the cigarette fill his lungs. Smoking was not something he had done many times, but the bitter taste of tobacco pulled him in as a minor stress reliever. Even if it was for only a few minutes, it was better to him than not at all.

He breathed out a cloud of smoke and slouched more comfortably, resting his elbows on his knees and gazing around the park. In Eli's eyes, he was just people watching, but subconsciously even he knew he was being paranoid, looking around to see if anyone he knew was there. It wasn't long before he spotted someone he knew, and in a swift motion he stabbed out the cigarette, collected the lighter and pack, then stuffed them under his legs as his friends approached. He cleared his throat and gave them the fakest, widest smile he could muster up.

"Hey Eli, what are you doing here? I thought you said you couldn't hang out cause you had to study?" His friend, Maxxie, had asked. Eli froze up, he hadn't completely lied of course, he did have to study, it just wasn't what he was doing at that moment, but he felt he was in too deep, so more lies sputtered out of him.

"Yeah, I was uh...just heading there now." Maxxie looked to his friend Raine, his eyes dropping in disbelief. He knew Eli was lying to him, he just didn't know why.

"Okay...why are you here though? Sitting weirdly alone in a park." Raine asked, trying to nudge an answer out of him, an honest one at least. Eli clenched his teeth hard, he hated Raine with a burning passion, but for no real reason. When Maxxie and Raine became friends, Eli was so jealous and hurt by it because he felt that Maxxie always chose Raine over him, and when he didn't, she was always around. He felt as though his best friend replaced him and it hurt him so much, however he always played nice with Raine because Maxxie really liked her, and he liked to see his friends happy.

"I-I was just waiting for Bea, she wanted to meet here before we went to the library..." Eli said and pulled his phone from his pocket, glancing at the time quickly, "but she just texted me that she forgot and went straight to the library, so I have to go now, bye!" He picked up his bag and almost sprinted away from the two of them.

"Eli, wait!" Raine called and he stopped in his tracks, turning around slowly. In her raised hand was his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He was in such a rush to leave, he forgot he hid them under his leg. Eli balled his hands into tight fists, angry at how stupid and forgetful he was, but also angry at Raine for making a show out of it.

"For fuck sakes," Eli muttered, walking over to them shamefully. He swiped the pack of smokes and lighter from her hand quickly and put them in his bag.

"You don't have to lie to us, Eli, we're here for you through thick and thin," said Maxxie, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder and squeezing lightly. Eli's heart began to race, he was so anxious to disappear from that interaction.

"I know, thanks, but I really have to go," Eli muttered and rushed off across the courtyard to the library.

Confrontation was not his strong suit, even though he knew he should open up to someone and give them a chance to help him before he spiralled into a dark nothingness, he didn't want to burden his friends with his petty issues. He had always kept those kinds of things to himself, always pretended that he was okay, but he wasn't, and no one knew any different than what he told them because he never showed any signs, he was very good at hiding it all.

At the library, it was very easy to spot Bea immediately. She had bright blue hair, and a bright pink jacket to match, you could never lose her in a crowd. Eli approached her and pushed her feet off the chair she had them resting on, taking the seat next to her. She looked up from her book, no surprise in her eyes, then scrunched her nose in disgust.

"Jesus Christ, Eli, you reek!" Bea exclaimed, shoving his shoulder lightly as she laughed. Eli rolled his eyes and took off his bag, leaning it against his chair on the floor.

Bea was his closest friend, the only one who really paid attention to him, the only one close to breaking down the wall he put up. They had been friends for as long as he could remember, they told each other almost everything, and it made their friendship stronger. Lately, however, Eli had been pulling away from his friends, he was struggling more than ever and was trying to work through his problems alone before he even thought of asking them for help. He began telling Bea less and less things about himself, especially about the monster that had consumed him.

"I had one cig, Bea, one. I can't smell that bad." He admitted with a shrug. Bea brushed off his comment and reached for her bag, her jacket sleeve sliding up her arm, revealing light pink lines across her wrist. Eli studied them for a minute puzzlingly and Bea noticed.

"They are cuts," she said with wide eyes and a smile to match as she pulled both her sleeves up to her elbows. Eli's breath caught in his throat and he felt uneasy. He was not expecting to see that, or for her to be so okay with it and show it off.

"You did that to yourself? On purpose?" Eli was lost, he couldn't wrap his mind around what was happening. She sat there still smiling, her arms outstretched to show off her self-inflicted wounds.

"Yep! Don't they make me seem dark and depressed?" His lips parted as his jaw involuntarily dropped. Eli never took her as someone who was depressed or was capable of doing something like that to herself, but maybe she was just as good at hiding it as he was. He didn't know what to say, he was at a loss for words and then the worst ones spat out suddenly.

"No, they make you look suicidal and dumb." He didn't realize what he had said until it left his lips and he knew at that point there was no taking it back. It was not the right thing to say at that moment, he knew he should have been comforting, should've asked if she needed help or if she wanted to talk about it. "Self-harm isn't supposed to be a fashion statement, it's something people do when they're sad and want to feel. Everyone knows you're not sad, look at you! You're the most outgoing person I have ever met, people are just going to assume you want attention because people who hurt themselves like this Bea... they hide it and they don't want anyone to know."

Eli thought that he could fix what he blurted out, but as a silence lingered over them, he knew he just dug himself into a bigger hole. Bea's eyes flicked back and forth, burning with anger and tears welling up. Her lips began to tremble and she was trying to find the right words to say, wanting to defend herself. She opened her mouth to speak, but for a moment nothing came out.

"Fuck you, Eli!" She growled loudly. "Just...do everyone a favor and kill yourself." Bea added as she picked up her bag and stormed away. Eli's heart sank in his chest, his intention wasn't to upset her or invalidate how she felt, but that was exactly what he did. Sinking into his chair, his thoughts spun around in his head, worrying if she was actually in pain, if she was really depressed. He deeply hoped that if she was feeling that way then she would tell him about it. Eli knew that was a hypocritical thing to think because he was hiding all his problems, not talking to her about them, but it was different, it was about Bea.

Defeatedly, Eli picked up his bag and headed for the exit. The atmosphere outside had darkened, meaning the sun was to set soon. In some strange, twisted way he loved the dark. Something about it was so mysterious and elegant to him. The way smoke diligently moved, and beams of light sliced through it. The dark was a comforting place for him, he blended in with it; unseen by the world.

Eli lit a cigarette as he began his trek to his comfort spot, a cliff at the end of the forest near his home that overlooked the city below. He found this place when he was young, adventuring around the town like kids would at a young age. He never showed it to anyone, it was his hidden gem, though others have most definitely found it on their own. It was somewhere he could go to clear his head and be alone.

The sun started to set as he got to the top, the view was breathtaking, various shades of oranges and pinks blending together in the sky above. He sat down on the damp grass, letting his mind run wild. Eli took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. As he exhaled, he ran his fingers through his dark hair then reached into his bag for another cigarette. Feeding his addiction, he placed it between his lips and lit it, inhaling quickly. He breathed out and watched as the smoke rose into the air and disappeared into the night.

As the sun vanished beyond the horizon, darkness consumed him, only the lights from the city below lit up the sky. He put out the cigarette and placed his hands on either side of him, his palms flat against the soft grass, leaning back. Eli craved another, but there were only so many left in the pack, and the first one was hard enough to get, especially since he wasn't old enough to go out and buy them on his own.

Thoughts quickly came rushing back, as if they were bees put to sleep by the smoke from his cigarette, but now they were back and buzzing with anger. Everything was so fucked up to him. School, friends, family, life. Sometimes he wondered why he was still alive and why he still tried. There was no point in it all. Wasting thoughts and time on people who didn't matter, and wasting hours upon hours in school, but for what? To die knowing he tried to do something with his life, but nothing went the way he hoped? Eli wished no one cared about him, so leaving would be easier, so he could just sit up in his room, not having to see anyone or deal with the real world.

His thoughts got the best of him and he stood up, walking to the edge of the cliff and looking down. It was a pretty steep drop below, riddled with large, jagged, welcoming rocks. He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts, the ones telling him to just lean forward, to end it all. This wasn't the first time he had these thoughts. They had surfaced on many occasions at random, the first being when he was fairly young. He was climbing a tree with his sister, having fun as children do. When he was at the highest branch he could reach, something inside told him to let go; and he did. He broke his arm and had to get stitches. That wasn't the only scar that was left from that day. Ever since then, the thoughts continued. He would be happy, but something inside him would just push for him to make that one careless move that could end his life.

Eli backed away from the edge, and his phone began to ring. He answered quickly, seeing his mother's name flash across the screen. "Elijah, dinner will be ready soon, please make your way home," she said through the phone.

"I'll be home soon, keep my food warm. I love you." As he waited for her reply, he picked up his bag and started to head home.

"I love you too, Elijah. See you soon." She hung up and Eli sighed, not wanting to leave.

His house wasn't far from his spot and as he approached the driveway, he rifled through his bag to find his bottle of cologne, spraying himself to mask the smell of smoke so his mother wouldn't get suspicious. When he opened the door the smell of homemade food filled him, overpowering the scent of cologne he had just put on. Eli smiled and put his bag on the staircase, then took off his shoes before he greeted his mother in the kitchen.

"Eli's home!" His youngest sister, Fawn, screeched when she saw him and ran into his arms. Eli picked her up effortlessly into his arms and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"How was school?" Eli asked. Fawn hesitated, looking at their mother before she leaned towards his ear, cupping her small hands around her mouth.

"I got into trouble," Fawn whispered and Eli gasped jokingly. Fawn was a good kid, rarely got into trouble for doing anything other than getting distracted easily.

"Fawn never gets in trouble," Eli said and she giggled, covering his mouth with her small hands as she looked at their mother again.

"Don't tell mommy!" Fawn exclaimed and their mother turned around. Eli's heart hurt when he saw her, she looked exhausted, her eyes barely able to stay open.

"Mommy knows now," she said and then tapped Fawn's nose lightly with her spatula.

"I didn't mean to mommy! Jaymie wouldn't go down the slide! All I did was push him down." Tears formed in Fawn's eyes and Eli hugged her tightly while holding back a laugh.

"Oh Fawn, that's all? I thought it'd be much worse." Fawn began to cry on Eli's shoulder, and he walked her into the dining room and sat her in her chair. She continued to cry as Eli went into the kitchen to get a warm cloth to wipe her tears.

"Don't cry," Eli said while he wiped her face lightly, "you didn't hurt him, did you?" Fawn shook her head, her lips trembled and her eyes held back more tears. Eli hummed lightly and finished wiping her face as she sniffled.

"You have a pretty voice," she said and he smiled softly at her, admiring her innocence. She was upset but still found love in her heart to make Eli feel happy.

"I'm going to hate watching you grow up," he said while patting her head, ruffling up her hair a bit. Eli had two other sisters and a brother, but he was the oldest. He had to watch all of them grow up, taking care of them in the process. It was hell to watch them turn from full-hearted, happy-faced kids to the destroyed teenagers they are now. Eli didn't want to see Fawn go through that either.

His mother called the rest of the family down for dinner, and right away everyone started to eat. Eli cut up Fawn's meat into small pieces, and then looked around at his siblings pestering one another, while his parents rolled their eyes. This is what Eli was living for. This is why he hadn't made that one careless move, why he hadn't listened to the nagging voice in the back of his head. Family was what kept him going, family was his heart, his soul; family was all that he felt he had.