◤ chapter eighteen ▸ hers
to keep ◢

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         SABRINA HAD ALWAYS BEEN a wonder to Flash. A glimpse of light among the rest of her friends, the beacon of hope to the world. A smile always gracing her features, a care for the world that he hadn't seen in anyone else – that he could never see himself – as she always knew there was a sort of good hidden in everyone. She was more hardworking than Flash, even though he worked his ass off constantly, never letting herself catch a break because of all the deadlines she had to meet.

She was one of the most beautiful things the world had ever created, and Flash felt lucky that he got to be apart of her life. She was at the prologue before a wonderful and luscious life, one that Flash knew he would miss out on, but that didn't matter. She would succeed greatly and she deserved it.

Sabrina Montgomery was different from the world around her. In her circle was Toni Alderson, a druggie and alcoholic in the making, and then there was Betty and Flash who weren't much better. And even with the pressure, even while surrounding herself with those who indulged too much yet abstained from so much, she never did. She was their beacon of hope, the ray of sunshine to prove that maybe they could have a better life somewhere else.

Not here, never here.

Flash could never see himself truly happy in New York, at least not even near Midtown. This place reminded him too much of failure, too much his father's hands against his skin as a punishment. The streets reminded him of Peter Parker, the one he could never live up to, and the halls were just memories of pain – of not feeling like he belonged anywhere, yet trying to force himself everywhere.

But Sabrina gave him hope, that maybe one day it would be better and happiness would be a sensation that lasted forever instead of a fleeting feeling, and maybe he would find himself somewhere that didn't haunt him. He just wanted to stop the ghosts, but they weren't real and there was no hindering their affect.

(Alone at night, he would think that there was no hope – that Flash Thompson was doomed forever to suffer this way with the ghosts haunting him always.)

Sabrina was his optimism, the fairy tale land he dreamed his life could be, and he wanted to chase after her. He wanted to reach her because maybe if he had her, the happiness would be present and the feelings would go away and he would be okay. He would finally be okay.

Tessa would tell him he was being a fucking idiot. No one could take away the pain so gracefully, no one could stop the ghosts and make him feel okay. Tessa was his grounding; the reminder of reality because she didn't magically make everything alright in his life but she helped him into a course which would get him there. She was the helping force in his life, pushing him towards a lifetime of sunshine, even if she was just another person passing by in his life.

Tessa wouldn't tell him he was an idiot, not in this words, but she would say it in her own language. And Flash wouldn't crumble like he would with anyone else because she understood why he had those dreams and she would tell him that rainbows didn't exist for happily ever afters and he wasn't going to get his own with a girl. Because Sabrina was just a girl, a sunshine personified, but she could not take all his pain away from him.

That would still exist no matter who he was with.

Even in his happiest days, the pain would still be there, the ghosts would still haunt him but maybe they wouldn't hurt so much then. Maybe their grip on him would loosen and he could break the chains and walk away from their whispers.

"Are your thoughts really more interesting than me?" Sabrina teased him, causing him to blink before smiling at her.

"Never," he said, but it was part of a lie. His imagination could be so vivid and beautiful, dreaming of a world without this mask or the lies he created to protect himself, without the pressure he always felt, but his imagination could also be harmful and reality would be a better existence.

"Good," Sabrina tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, "Cause, you know, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me on Saturday? I mean, like, if you aren't already busy or anything."

Flash blinked, his mind reeling in surprise, "You mean, like a date?"

Sabrina blushed and that was enough answer for him. Yes, like a date. He knew that Sabrina didn't hate him, could tolerate him enough and formed a friendship with him, and he could see the flashes of adoration in her eyes sometimes in the cold mornings but he never imagined that they would lead somewhere. Not at this time, not so soon.

He expected to wait for a while until she mellowed and he could ask her out without fear of rejection, he expected her to have an internal debate with herself because it's not like Flash is the greatest person to ever exist – he didn't expect this. He didn't expect her asking him or it to be so soon into things, but it wasn't unwelcomed.

"Well, I mean, yeah but it doesn't have to be. I totally get it if I misread things and you don't actually like me like that and you don't wanna actually go out with me," Sabrina rambled.

He couldn't help it; he smiled. It was cute when she rambled on about something. "No, you didn't misread anything – I'd really like to go on a date with you."

Sabrina brightened, eyes twinkling with such innocence and good that Flash wondered if his eyes had ever done the same. He imagined that they hadn't. "Really?"

He laughed a little. "Yeah, yeah I would."

"Cool, because Toni said I should just go ahead and ask you instead of waiting for you to make the first move – you know, like guys don't always have to be the one to ask someone out – but I was worried that I got it all wrong and you just wanted to be friends," Sabrina continued to ramble, "But I'm glad that you didn't say no because I would've been totally embarrassed and could never show my face around here ever again."

"Well, I'm glad you did," Flash told her honestly, "Because I probably would've waited months."

"Ugh, I don't think I could've stood it if you did," Sabrina groaned but she still smiled regardless, "And while I'm still feeling very confident, I'd like to kiss you – you know, if it's alright. I don't know, maybe you don't kiss until the second date or something."

Flash didn't answer her, only connected their lips together as he felt the imprint of her smile on his.

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She knew that somebody she was going to have to let Flash go, she just wasn't expecting that day to come so soon. Tessa Cormac wasn't a selfish person, not really, not when the things weren't hers to keep. And Flash wasn't hers, he never had been even if he had spent time in her bed kissing her and being with her, he had never been hers. He had been someone else's forever and she knew that but it still hurt.

And she didn't want Flash, not forever, she just wanted him for longer. She just wanted to hold him for longer and call him hers for longer because it wasn't enough – she hadn't had enough time. She was letting go of something that she wasn't read to pry her hands away from. She needed more time but there wasn't any more time for them.

It had been over the phone, a simple call to cancel the plans they had made on Saturday because something else came up that was more important. Tessa hadn't minded, she would just go to another party or drink away her troubles at home, it wasn't until she heard the reason why that broke her heart just a little bit.

"Sabrina asked me out on a date," Flash told her, oblivious to the shattering that was occurring inside of her, "And she kissed me today, too."

And she felt selfish for feeling this way; for wanting to stop Flash and ruin the relationship, to hold onto him for just a few more nights before inevitably letting go because she couldn't have him forever. He was not hers to keep; he was hers to grow and let go. He was someone else's forever but not her own.

It was fine; she didn't need forever with him, didn't think they would work nicely enough for that long, but that didn't mean she stopped yearning for him. She just needed more time; she just needed one more night with him in her bed to admire him before walking away from him. Metaphorically, that is, Tessa would never abandon him because he meant too much – he was her, but better.

Someone still wanted him, even if he was hurt and broken, haunted by past memories; someone still wanted him whereas no one wanted her. She was scared of commitment, scared of how relationships can turn sour, and that fear was keeping her away from them even if they could be different. She was still too scared to let of the past, still too scared to let go of Flash.

Because what if once she did, she'd be alone forever. No one to hold her for one night, no one to be there for her and help her become a better person, shedding the past and glowing in the light of the future. What if no one was there to help her? What if there was no one waiting for her on the other side?

Tessa liked to think she wasn't selfish, she didn't keep things that weren't hers no matter how much she wanted to, but the trait still crept into her life. And as she sat with a beer can in her hand, she brought the phone to her ear.

"Hey, I know you need some time, but I really need someone right now. Can I come over?"