◤ chapter fourteen ▸ uninstalling
fear ◢

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          THE MOVIE WAS PLAYING but neither were truly paying attention. The sound of crunching on popcorn filled the room as Tessa chewed on the sweet treat, her buttery fingers going into the bowl again for another handful. Her shoulders touched his and it was sweet. There was not a romantic notion between them, nothing that would insinuate any sex between them any time soon. There were nothing that would clue people in to the fact that they were lovers, they seemed like just friends.

Though friendship was a wonderful thing and she loved this little moment. He was there beside her and he wasn't reaching to put an arm over her shoulder or interlock their hands, kiss her greasy lips; he was there and they were watching a movie with no alterative motive but to just enjoy the company and be together.

The company was nice, the body heat from someone else, the silence, no pressure to say the right thing or strike up a conversation. There was no mask to keep up here; it was just them. It felt, for a second, like she was back with Caden and they were just sitting together and watching a movie, moments before he would reach and place a hand on her thigh or grip her tightly and force her to look at him so that he could capture her lips.

And she would smile, she loved those moments, she loved being close to him and loved that he still wanted to hold her. But now, at the thought of Caden's hands roaming around her or the crash of his lips onto hers, she didn't think it was romantic or sweet (didn't associate it with craving); she thought it was gross. Her skin seemed so dirty just thinking about that, thinking of the way he would violate her in what she used to call the perfect way.

She felt so unclean, every part of her felt out of place when she imagined Caden's hands roaming them. Even the thought of just sitting beside Caden, waiting for the moment he initiated contact made her feel sick.

But this...with Flash...it was good. She felt clean and unviolated; a friend beside her that would ask if she wanted anything more, if she wanted to kiss him or be kissed. He would ask before trying any trick, and by the mood of the night, she was sure that nothing was even going to happen. She felt safe with him now, so incredibly safe, and it was only this feeling that made her realize how unsafe she had subconsciously felt with Caden before.

"Do you miss him?" Flash broke the silence, eyes flickering down at her for a second before looking back at the TV for the movie.

"Hm?" Tessa frowned, suspecting who he was insinuating but wanting to be sure before answering.

"Caden, I mean," Flash clarified and she nodded to herself, correct in her assumption, "Do you miss him?"

Tessa sighed, "Yes and no. I mean, I miss moments with him. Like when he would hold my hand when I got nervous, and how he told me not to worry about my Biology test, and when he smiled at me and was sweet. But he's a dick, and I don't miss him as a whole. I don't want him back, I just want the parts that were good back in my life, but that would mean inviting all the bad back."

Flash frowned. He looked down at his hands before asking, "How did you stay with him for so long? I mean, if you knew that he wasn't a good person."

"This is about your mom and dad, isn't it?" Tessa asked, though it was soft and kind, of a sympathetic nature. He nodded and she sat up to look at him better, "I honestly believed that I loved him and that he loved me. He told me that all the time, and I knew that he wasn't just a bad person. I knew that he wasn't just harsh and mean, I knew that he could be kind. I loved that kindness and...well, he made me believe that all our problems were my fault so if I got better...he would love me more and he wouldn't get angry."

"But that's just who he is, it wasn't your fault," Flash said, quite angrily as he obviously thought of examples in his own life.

Tessa nodded, "I know. But it's complicated when you're in a relationship with them. Even if everyone around you tells you to run, you don't. Like, I knew he was cheating on me and that was the first time I wanted to break up, but he was sweet and nice and I crumbled. He made me feel special, like I finally had value in my life, and it felt like if I broke up with him, I wouldn't have that purpose anymore. I would just be nothing again.

"And-And there were other times. He scared me so much sometimes and I wanted to break up but he would yell and scream and threaten me and I was scared. I honestly thought he would kill me sometimes if I left him, so I stayed. And the next morning he would apologize and kiss me and I would melt again and I would forget," Tessa cynically laughed, "When I finally did break up with him, he hit me. Slapped me in the face. It's hard to leave in these situations, I just got lucky. Others aren't."

Flash nodded at that and said nothing for a moment, looking down at his hands. "Why did you break up with him?" he asked, "I mean, what finally brought you over the edge?"

She didn't want to say it. She didn't want to show how bad Caden had gotten, how much she had put up with, but she had already revealed so much to him. But she hadn't told them – any of them – why Finn, her best friend, wasn't around. It was her denial, because maybe if she didn't tell anyone, it would all be a dream and she could wake up and Finn would be free.

"He got caught selling drugs, but the cops cut him a deal. He got out free if he gave up the names of five other dealers, so he outed Finn. It was a lie, Finn hadn't sold any drugs since summer when he got caught the first time, but the judge and jury and his trial didn't believe it," Tessa went silent for a moment, "My boyfriend got my best friend thrown into juvie, he's gonna be there for a year."

"Shit," Flash breathed out, "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"I know, it's fine," Tessa assured him, "You didn't even know Finn, but I wish you did. Because...well, Finn was the best person I've ever met. He's so forgiving and kind but was so willing to fight Caden for me. I was always told him no, but I kinda regret that now. Would've been fun to watch Caden get his ass kicked."

She laughed at the thought of it, but Flash didn't join in. She didn't expect him to.

"So yeah. After the trial was over and they were leading out Finn, I went to Caden and I told him it was over. I couldn't be with him after what he had done and I wasn't going to let him terrorize me into staying. He took Finn away from me, he's throwing away a year for Finn, and I just...I couldn't anymore. That was the last straw for me," Tessa concluded.

"I could take so much shit. He could yell at me, threaten me, hurt me...but he fucked with Finn. He stole a year away from my best friend and he said that he was doing it for us. Said that he was doing this for me because it was in our best interest that he didn't go to fucking juvie. That dick...I just couldn't take it anymore," Tessa said, "I fucking hate him for that, more than anything he had ever done to me. Cause I learned to forgive him for cheating on me and all that shit, but I can never forgive him for hurting Finn."

Flash nodded, looking sad, and she sighed. She cooled down before placing a hand on his own. "But it's not like that for everyone else. I wish that it was, I wish that I never had to stay with him for that long and that it was only when he touched Finn that I decided it was enough. I wish that I had broken it off with him before then, but I hadn't. And, you know, sometimes there isn't a limit. Sometimes people will just keep going back until the day they die and it's sad and I don't want that."

"I just wish there was something I could say that would snap her out of it," Flash told her, "I wish – I wish something could happen that would make her wake up and divorce him, but nothing ever does. Not when he hit us for the first time, or-or his first time in jail. Not when Jesse had to go to the emergency room because he broke her fucking arm. Nothing and I hate it! She still fucking loves him and feels sad for him, didn't even wanna testify against him even though he was being sentenced partly for spousal abuse."

She leaned her head on his shoulder. "How long is he gonna be in prison?"

"Two years before he can get parole. If he doesn't, then four," Flash told her, "But knowing him, it'll just be two years before he's back. He's charmed everyone he's met during his sentences, they all call him a 'star criminal'."

She rubbed circles into his hand in a sort of comfort. "Maybe he won't this time. Maybe he'll serve the whole sentence."

"Maybe, but I doubt it," Flash said, "And then he'll come back and my mom will welcome him back with open arms. I'll be going to college by then, or close to it, but Jesse'll still be in the house and it'll get worse for them."

"Have you gotten a restraining order?"

Flash shook his head, "No, you need a guardian to file for one and my mom would never do that. Sometimes you can get one while in trial but when she was offered, she turned them down. So I won't be able to for two years and maybe I can get one for Jess then, but it's not like it'll change anything. He'll just violate it because my mom won't let him go out on the streets to live."

"I'm sorry," she told him sincerely.

"And I'm sorry about what Caden did," Flash told her back and she nodded.