◤ chapter thirteen ▸ still learning ◢

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          RELATIONSHIPS HAD ALWAYS BEEN too complicated for Tessa. They could never be simple things, always had to have too many layers to uncover and twist and turns that either made it so rewarding in the end or just a waste of time. But, relationships were complicated for everyone.

But she never had someone to teach her how to act, how to entice a friendship and keep people around. She never had the role model of a perfect couple before her to show her how healthy relationships grow and evolve together, how she should be treated by her boyfriends and the warning signs of someone she should avoid. She liked to think that if her parents were around and together she would've known better than to get with Caden.

Maybe they would've stopped her, warned her that he was dangerous and that he would only break her heart and lead her to the dark side. She would probably rebel against them if they tried, wanting to prove that Caden was a good person because he was the first to accept her in her life. But that would've been different if her parents were around. Maybe she would have never been attracted to him in the first place.

And maybe, if she had seen her parents together and known how healthy relationships go, she would have seen the signs. Maybe she would have stopped herself before entering a relationship with him, maybe everything could've been avoided and her life would be so fucking different than what it actually was. There were all these possibilities.

But it could have happened just the same way. Because Tessa had been so drunk on the attention that Caden had given her. So drunk on how he looked at her, how he talked to her, how he viewed her, and perhaps she would be so tinted in her view of him that the red flags just looked like flags because her vision was already just so pink on love for him. Adoration fueling into her as she admired him so greatly.

So many things could be different in her life if she hadn't taken a sip of his champagne, falling in love with him and changing herself to be whatever he wanted. She died her hair because he suggested it, because blondes were prettier than brunettes to him, she did drugs and drank and went to all these parties because that was his life and all she wanted was to fit in. All she wanted was to impress him.

She lost her virginity because he wanted sex and she didn't want him to leave. She didn't want to be alone again, she didn't want to be abandoned by someone else, so she gave that up because he wanted it and she would give him anything he ever asked for.

So relationships were hard and complicated for her because she was still trying to figure out what was good and healthy and what was toxic. She was learning to read the signs, see the flags, but they were still so new and she only had her experience to guide her, which wasn't much at all.

Flash was easy to understand. Flash needed a friend, Flash needed a stress reliever, and she was that. He needed someone to understand so did she. Their circumstances were different, his was his father and hers was her ex-boyfriend, and while she was out of hers he was still struggling. So freshly gone again yet so quickly could continue.

Finn had been complicated at the beginning. There was no relationship, no friendship, for so long. It had been a 'friendship', a mutual association between them so they talked and hung out together but they weren't close. Until he found out about how Caden was and wanted to play hero, wanted to get her out of her situation even if she wouldn't go with him.

Finn was her savior even if, in the end, she had cut the ties. Finn had become her friend and was the first example that she had of a healthy friendship.

Then there was Rylie. Rylie was more complicated because while Tessa knew she was good, she was different. She was aggressive and loud, she broke the rules but didn't drink, she had the same issues with her parents but still had a family. She was so different and complicated that Tessa sometimes disliked it and wanted to distance herself.

Because Rylie was judgmental, the same way Caden was, but she was so much better still. And Tessa knew that, but they exhibited the same traits and she didn't want that even though she knew they were different. Rylie would never make her change to fit the mold she wanted. Rylie would never hit her or degrade her. But she commented on her lifestyle, brought notice to her issues, and was open about who she liked and who she didn't.

So it was scary sometimes, but Tessa had to move forward. Rylie was good for her even if it was scary, seeing these traits as anything other than bad. But at the same time, she presented things that Tessa wanted to be. She dyed her hair blue because she wanted to, not because anyone was pressuring her into it. She was good at school and cared at it, had something waiting for her after high school while Tessa had nothing.

And that was her own fault, she would own up to that, but at the same time, it felt like there was no future for her no matter what, so why did grades matter? It wouldn't get her anywhere; she was going to die young and alone, having done nothing with her life.

But Rylie was bright and she was so herself that Tessa adored her and was envious of her at the same time. She wanted to be like that but also admired that Rylie had that confidence, had that freedom just be herself. No one had ever caged her in, no one had ever made her feel anything less. Tessa loved that but also craved that even if there was no changing the past that would get her to this point.

Rylie didn't care about the looks she got for her hair, people probably thinking that she was just some lowlife even though she was so much brighter and better that that. Tessa was the lowlife, no future for her after high school. Forever lost in the bad habits she had created.

But Rylie didn't care, and she didn't care about what Tessa thought about herself because she seemed to see something more for her that Tessa hadn't noticed about herself.

"So, we have barbeque and classic," Rylie told her as she brought the two bags over to the couch which they were sitting on, getting cozy under a blanket for a movie night.

"Oh, barbeque!" Tessa said, smiling as she snatched the bag of chips away from Rylie who gasped. Giggling as Rylie made a move to get the bag back, Tessa hunched over and held the bag closely to herself. "No, it's mine now!"

"Nu-uh," Rylie shot back, trying to find a way to snatch it from her before huffing. Then, she smirked and began to attack Tessa's sides with her fingers causing the blonde to shriek and push the bag away from herself.

"Stop, stop! I surrender! Take the bag and leave me alone!" Tessa cried.

"Yes!" Rylie exclaimed out of victory, taking the bag and opening it, immediately reaching it to take a chip and crunch it.

She turned on the movie they had previously selected, the two of the munching on the chips and giggling whenever appropriate until Rylie broke the silence. "So, how is Flash in bed?"

Tessa's eyes widened as her cheeks grew pink. "Rylie!" she shrieked out, obviously uncomfortable with the question.

Rylie looked at her with innocence, not recognizing what she had done wrong. "What? It's for a friend."

Even though her cheeks were red from embarrassment and her shoulders were tensing, she couldn't help but snort at what she perceived as an excuse. "A friend? Really?"

The Jacobs girl rolled her eyes. "Yeah, a friend. Really. Well, I guess she's not really a friend but she goes to my old school and always had a major crush on Flash. I mean, it wasn't obvious...but it was obvious. And if I can tell her that Flash has great moves in bed, it'll just make her day."

"I'm not gonna tell you so that you share pervy details with her friend that I don't even know," Tessa told her.

"Fine," Rylie groaned, "I get it. You want him all for yourself, obviously."

Tessa frowned. "It's not like that at all. I don't – I don't like Flash like that. I mean, yeah, he's my friend and we have sex, but I don't have any romantic feelings for him and I don't think I ever will."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Tessa nodded, "We're just – we're too similar in some ways and it would never work. I like him, he's nice, but in the sense of a relationship...I just don't see us working out. And if the girl really likes him, I say go for it. They'll probably be amazing together."

Rylie nodded at her words even if she didn't believe them, but Tessa hadn't lied. It was nice to have someone who understood what it was like to go through abuse, but because of that, she could only see them being friends and nothing more. It was because he knew that, because he had been through that, she didn't think they'd be good together.

They both didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. Tessa didn't have parents to look up to and his were in an abusive relationship that spread onto him and his sister. They would only be more toxic for each other than good, even if it was nice to talk about it with a friend.

She didn't want to hurt Flash by entering a relationship with him knowing that she didn't know what a good relationship was. They wouldn't work, trying to figure that out with no real life guidance. And she didn't want to get hurt by someone else that she entered a romantic relationship with.

She needed something good. She needed an angel, someone like Finn, to enter her life and appreciate her. Teach her how to truly love and for someone to truly love her. And Flash needed someone to help him, who wouldn't be scared when he got angry and didn't know how to express it. He needed someone to guide him through that but Tessa knew she would just freeze up and be reminded of Caden.

It wouldn't be good. And Tessa couldn't take anything like that again.

"Maybe I'll tell her that, or have Betty to say it for me," Rylie told her, "But I don't know. Personally, I don't think they'd look good together, but it's whatever they want."

Tessa nodded. "Well, what does she look like?"

"It's not really physical looks, I guess. But they're so different. I mean, Flash is loud and jokes around. You know, makes fun of people. And he flaunts himself off. But Sabrina – that's the girl – she...she's sunshine personified. She works so hard and feels so down about herself but she tries to joke. And she doesn't like crude language and drinking, which is ironic because her best friend is such a big drinker."

"Well, they've probably known each other for a long time," Tessa suggested.

"They have," Rylie confirmed, "And they're amazing best friends. She would be good for Flash, yeah, and he'd change – probably for the best, but he still would. I personally believe that you shouldn't get with someone because you think you can make them better. I mean, if it happens in a relationship that's good, but you shouldn't go into the relationship with fixing the other person as the goal. I mean, people aren't broken computers, they're human beings."

Tessa looked down at her hands. Caden changed her. Programmed her into being what he wanted, changing things about her like her old core values. She was different than the Tessa who entered high school, and it wasn't just because it had been a year and she was a teenage girl. It was because of him.

And she understand Rylie, she wanted that to. But at the same time, Flash needed someone good. Flash needed someone who could teach him good habits, who could show him something healthy and be everything that Tessa never could. Be everything that his parents didn't show him. So maybe it would be for the best.

"I think she should still go for it," Tessa said before shrugging, "I mean, you never know."

Rylie eyed for a moment, more suspicious than anything else before sighing. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Never hurts to try, right?"

Right. It had to be right. If it was best for Flash, Tessa could find someone else. They could both find someone good for them, not settle for more pain from each other because they could understand one another.