◤ chapter eleven ▸ sun and stars ◢

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   TESSA MISSED CADEN. SHE missed his laugh, the way his eyes would crinkle and his nose would scrunch up. How sometimes, when she really got him, he would give a little snort or throw his head back and she could see his Adam's apple.

        She missed how he would hold her in his arms. They were so strong around her, captivating her and keeping her so close to him. He had such an iron grip, she remembered struggling to get out as she laughed and he would just laugh with her as he held on. It was especially nice at night when they would lie together, so close with the world so far.

        She missed his movie taste. He always knew the right movie to choose based of her mood and he would always bring her favorite candy for movie nights – Reece's – and her heart would flutter because he remembered. And he would say of course he did, because she mattered to him and he loved her. And she believed it and kissed him and he would keep her close throughout the whole night.

        And how he held her hand, squeezing it, when she felt out of place, like her first party with him. They were just freshman and she didn't know anyone there except for him and she felt so nervous. So out of place because this wasn't like her, she had never done this before. But he just held her hand tightly and kissed her forehead and murmured that everything would be okay. And how he smiled at her, so gentle, so caring, and it felt like fireworks were igniting inside her.

        She missed that. She missed everything about him because he said that he loved her and she felt as if she were on cloud nine the first time he admitted it to her. Nothing could bring her down as they kissed and he took her virginity and she let him because they were supposed to be together forever. God, she had been so naïve to believe that he would stay with her forever. That they would work and that they were perfect.

        Because she truly believed for a time that Caden was perfect. That he held the stars and sun in his hands and he was hand sculpted by God, a gift to the earth. Because he made her feel welcome, he gave her friends and a family, he held her face in his eyes and looked at her as if she were the only thing that ever mattered in the world.

        She wanted to matter that much to someone. She wanted to feel so special and he made her feel that way. Made her feel like no other snowflake in the entire earth, made her feel like she was the only one his eyes twinkled at the sight of. And his voice when he said her name always sent shivers down her spine just because of the way he said it.

        God, she was so gone for him. She would've done anything for him because of this, because of everything he did for her, because she loved him and she thought he loved her. But they were so young, so not in love and so not meant for each other. He was so not perfect and she knew that her younger self, even if it was just younger by a year, would be so upset if she knew how it all ended.

        Because Caden's not perfect. He doesn't hold the sun and the stars in his hands and he was not hand sculpted by God; he was a devil among men, a demon in her life – not the angel she wanted him to be so badly. Because he seemed so perfect, so nice, and he ended up tormenting her.

        Yet she couldn't help but miss him. Miss all of the wonderful things about him because not everything was so bad. Not everything was so terrible, some things about him were truly incredible and amazing and she missed having someone there. Because she didn't have anyone now.

        She had Flash, and he was nice. He was so much more considerate about what she wanted in sex. And he held her close, not because he wanted to keep her there trapped against him, but because he was afraid if he let go she would be gone and he would be alone again. But she didn't have Flash the way she had Caden.

        Caden was her boyfriend, he was there throughout all times of the day. He was there when she needed to just be with someone and unload her emotional baggage, but Flash was just there for sex. All of those desires were filled but she couldn't talk to him the way she talked to Caden.

        Flash wasn't there all the time, he was just there at night and the times when everyone was there. And she Rylie now and they were friends, but Rylie didn't know her the way Caden or Finn did. Rylie knew the version she was creating now, she knew the Tessa who had left Caden behind.

        But Rylie didn't know about Finn, about what made her leave. She thought that everything just got bad enough and she had to leave; she didn't know the reason why. She didn't know that Caden could do anything to her, Caden could hit her and call her worthless and say that she would be grateful he was spending time with her – Tessa could handle that, but what she couldn't handle was Caden treating her friend the way he treated her.

        She couldn't handle that treatment to Finn. Because Finn was perfect; he was the sun and the moon at the same time, he held all her secrets even when he thought he could do more because she asked him to. Finn let her stay at his place because she was scared to stay at her own, Finn made her milkshakes and never let her pay for them. Finn stayed with her throughout everything because he loved her and they were best friends.

        And it scared her to admit that she didn't think Rylie would stay her friend if she was still with Caden. She didn't think Rylie would've become her friend if she went back to Caden, or she admitted that she missed him. That she wanted him back. That she wanted to be in his arms again. But Finn would.

        Finn would always stay with her, Finn would always be her true friend. They had seen each other at their lowest of lows and they stayed because they would never abandon each other. She stayed with Finn after his first trial and Finn stayed with her even though she was still with Caden, who cheated on her and didn't love her.

        She stayed with Finn even though he was in juvie and Finn stayed with her even though it was her boyfriend at the time who put him there. Because they meant more to each other than that.

        And she loved Finn. Finn was her anchor, keeping her there, Finn held the sun and the stars in his hands and he was hand sculpted by God because he was so perfect and so amazing. He was an angel on earth but so many people didn't recognize that; even Peter couldn't.

        But she did. She recognized that and she would never leave him, no matter what happened in their lives as they grew older. She would always be by his side no matter what happened because she loved Finn and nothing would change that.

        Which is how she ended up traveling an hour to see Finn on a Saturday. It had been too long since she had last seen him, that first time she had come since the trial to see where Caden had placed him, but she had been too busy and she didn't have the funds to support the trip here. But she had to come now.

        With these thoughts creeping in and her mind telling her to just forget about all the pain Caden caused her, all of the abuse, and just go back to him...she had to see Finn instead. Because Finn was better than Caden, he was everything good about Caden and more, with nothing dark touching him. If they were two sides of a coin, Finn would be everything light while Caden would be cast into the darkness.

        She watched as Finn was practically thrown into the room where they were seeing each other, watched as he looked around until his eyes meet hers and his sparked up and she couldn't help but smile at him. He sat down opposite of her, just a barrier of glass between them, and he picked up the phone so they could talk to each other.

        "Hey, Finny," she greeted him shakily as she picked up the phone as well.

        "Tessa," he breathed out, just looking at her. Looking at her roots which were growing out because it had been over a month since the last time she touched up her hair, looked at the tears springing in her eyes because she was just so happy to see him, and he was just looking at her. Everything about her. "It's been a while."

        "Yeah, it has. I'm sorry about that, I just – I haven't been able to find the money to come see you," Tessa explained sheepishly, hating the explanation as she said it.

        But Finn just nodded in understanding and, God, this was why she loved him so much. Because he understood and he wasn't upset; he loved her no matter what.

        "How have you been?" he asked her.

        She let out a puff of laughter, "I'm pretty sure I should be the one asking you that."

        Finn just shrugged in response, "Nothing's really changed for me. I'm still here and I've been keeping my head low. Haven't gotten into a fight, either, but I've seen a lot of them."

        "Well, that's good," Tessa said, "I'd hate to come visit you while you're nursing a black eye or something."

        "It'd be worth it if I had one," Finn promised her, a grin on his face and she missed that.

        She missed seeing him smile, she missed seeing him banter with his co-worker at Apple's Eye Diner. She missed seeing the grin when he talked about Peter; she just missed him so much.

        "I'm sure it would be. You'd probably be standing up for someone, something heroic. That sounds like you," Tessa imagined it and Finn just rolled his eyes.

        "Fuck you, you know that?" he shot back to her and she couldn't help but laugh.

        "God, I missed you," she broke, tears still springing her eyes as she looked at him.

        He paused and looked at her and she could see the tears swelling in his own. "Yeah, I missed you too, Tess. But hey, how's school been without me?"

        "Fine, I guess. Rylie – I think I told you about her last time – is my friend and she sticks with me. And I've met some other people, Betty and Flash, but I'm also sleeping with Flash so there's something," Tessa told him.

        Finn raised an eyebrow, "Is this thing with Flash just casual or something more?"

        "Casual," she answered, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now, Finn, and anyway, I don't even know him well enough to have feelings for him. Like yeah, he's attractive and everything, I'm not that shallow."

        "But you're sleeping with him because of how he looks," Finn brought up.

        Tessa rolled her eyes, "Sleeping together isn't a true relationship. Plus, you don't wanna sleep with an unattractive person with a great personality, you wanna sleep with the hot guy."

        Finn nodded and hummed in agreement, "I get what you're saying."

        "I know, that's because I'm right," Tessa grinned cheekily at him and watched as he scoffed at her, springing her to giggle at him.

        There was a pause for a moment before she asked, "Have Davina and Miss Brinley been to see you?"

        Finn scrunched up his nose disgust, "Ew, Miss Brinley. That sounds terrible."

        "Well sorry that old habits die hard. She's my teacher, Finn, and unlike you I don't call her Asher in the middle of class. It's weird. Even referring to her as Asher with you outside of class makes my skin crawl."

        "Aw, you can be such a goody two-shoes sometimes, Tessa," Finn cooed before answering, "But yeah, they've been a couple times. Davina more than Asher but that makes sense."

        "And how are they?" Tessa asked because she didn't know the well enough to just show up at their apartment and hang out.

        Finn shrugged, "They seem okay, but I don't know. I mean, I'm not with them all the time now so I don't know everything and they could just been putting on their best smiles so I don't know that everything sucks in their lives, you know?"

        Tessa nodded, "Yeah, I get that."

        "So how are you? Like, really?" Finn asked, looking at her intently so that he could spot if she lied to him.

        "I'm okay," Tessa replied, "Really, I am. I mean, sometimes it's hard and, well, I miss you. And I miss Caden, even though I know that I shouldn't."

        She hated talking about him. She felt terrible for mentioning his name in front of Finn, for admitting that she missed the man who put him in juvie, but she had to. He wanted to know how she really was and she needed to talk to someone about this.

        And Rylie wouldn't understand. Rylie hadn't seen the ncie side of Caden, she hadn't seen how charming he could be, how he was such a sweetheart in the beginning, but Finn had. Finn understood.

        "Yeah, I miss Peter too," Finn admitted her, "I get it. I-I shouldn't miss the person who dumped me because I'm technically a criminal now in the eyes of anyone who can see my record and doesn't know the truth, but I just – I want him. You know, I keep waiting for him to show up here, just to talk. But he hasn't and I'm not sure if he will."

        Tessa nodded, swallowing. It shocked her to hear him say that because whenever she thought of Peter she couldn't help but get angry. And that's probably how he felt about Caden and her admitting that she missed him. So she understood as well.

        "I don't miss everything about Caden," she returned, "But I miss how he was in the beginning. I miss the guy I fell for and how he held me so close. He made feel so wanted, I hadn't felt that in such a long time so I just – I loved that. And even when everything turned to shit...he still made me feel wanted. Like even though he was cheating on me, I was always his main girl and he wanted me, he still wanted me, so I felt special, you know?"

        Finn nodded back at her. She could see the spark of fury in his eyes when she brought up his cheating and she could understand why. She didn't say anything for a moment and neither did he. Their confessions were on the table; they were two people missing someone who had hurt them, who had ripped their hearts from their chest, because there were good times.

        They were missing people they shouldn't miss but couldn't help but want in their lives again. Maybe that made them weak, it probably just meant they were human, and they couldn't help it. Caden made her feel like she was on top of the world, like she was the only girl in the universe, and she wanted that feeling back.

        She wanted him back, even if she couldn't have him. She wanted how he made her feel back, not him, but she didn't know where to search to find it. So she was stuck, lost without that power with nowhere to go.

authors note
i just want to say something before someone comments that tessa is bad for missing caden; she thought she was in love with him. they were together for about a year and not every part of their relationship was so bad. it's also very common for abused people to stay in relationships with their abusers even though they know the treatment is wrong because of love or because they rationalize their abuser's treatment toward them.

it's normal for her to miss caden because he had his moments and she misses that because it's gone. it's the same with any relationship, but she also recognizes that she doesn't want him back because how horrible he was to her. don't blame tessa for missing, okay? it's not her fault