Initializing...

N. Bradford,
     You have been activated. Utilize your current skill set to accomplish the following:

1. Prove that it's possible to survive on less than $200/month in the current climate in the state of Michigan while incurring zero debt for a full calendar year.
2. Without breaking the law, survive a stay in solitary confinement.
3. Discontinue all prescription behavioral medications.
4. Lose 60 lbs. in 2 months.
5. Accrue 10 million views across any combination of social media platforms.
6. Inspire a change in the infrastructure of an international fast food chain using a cup featuring their own logo.
7. Break 3 side-hustle jobs without receiving a 1099.
8. Slowly turn an under-appreciated landmark a shade of red.
9. Tag corrupt businesses so the world can see their true colors.
10. Practically serve as the possibility for teleportation and time travel.

*8 Simple Rules
As you complete each task, you must:

♤ Maintain full-time employment and be recognized for exemplary performance.
♡ Regain a lost, highly treasured item.
◇ Never plead guilty.
♧ Develop a coveted skill of a true magician.
♤ Volunteer 3 times a week.
♡ Cultivate a new talent.
◇ Give a valuable item to a random stranger.
♧ Sever all ties to your past.

Before you say this is ludicrous, you need to know everything listed is absolutely possible. Because you've already done it, sir.

...end transmission.