IZZY HAD NEVER been more confused in her life — not even when she had first started to question her sexuality, not even when her father had walked out on them. This time, she was paralyzed with doubt and uncertainty, and there was no magic cure to snap her out of it. She just needed to think things over — how Maze was actually a demon and how she had fallen in love, and how she still hadn't fallen out of love, which was hardly the tip of the iceberg. Her head was so full of questions, and her heart was dripping with anger yet also frustration and grief, and there was only so much one person could do and handle. So, she let the current take her with, leaving her cooped up in her bed for hours, an endless loop as she silently hugged Thor under the covers and refused to close her eyes. No, instead, she stared at the wall, too busy thinking and too scared of what she would see, and stayed up with the hours blurring together and night turning into day without her ever fully comprehending it.

          Diane had given her best efforts to helping — she had made food, a lot of food, everything from tea to coffee and she had offered movies and chocolate and music and calling the LAPD that she needed a sick day. But even with the thermometer under her arm and a glass of water to keep her company on the nightstand, she didn't get better, and she never called work. Izzy, simply, didn't move, or eat, or communicate. Words were stuck in her dry throat and the only one she accepted for comfort was Thor, even the dog noticing that something was wrong with his mom, far worse than ever before.

          Izzy didn't even know where to begin with the chaotic storm of emotions. She was hurt because Maze had kept the truth from her for months, yet at the same time, she ached for the demon. Knowing that all the horrible things that she had thought to be metaphors or exaggerations, were true, that she had walked through literal hellfire, was too much. And then again, she was hurt by her own stupidity, how she had just laughed in their faces or gone along with the game whenever the words demon or Devil were brought up, not to mention Heaven or Hell, which apparently existed as well. While Izzy had never been an atheist, she hadn't believed either, and now, the choice was stripped from her. Because she had fallen for an actual demon, and one of her closest friends just so happened to be the Devil. She had shaken hands with an angel. Watched Dan make out with the Goddess of All Creation. That alone was enough to give her a headache, and not dealing with it all would have been so much easier, but there was no way to end the flow of thoughts.

          It wasn't like she could sleep, anyway. So she stayed up, wondering if, at any point, she had been in danger. If she had put her mother in danger. If Dan, Chloe, and Ella were currently in danger. And Benjamin — poor, clueless Benjamin, dating Lucifer Morningstar, living the same lie Izzy had. Whether or not she liked it, she was scared, all the way to her bones, worried that she'd never see a day of peace again. Of course, none of them had ever hurt her, but could she ever come to terms with the idea of being completely safe in their company, either?

          Then there was the question of who else knew. Chloe, being the rational, logical woman she was, seemed too logical to simultaneously believe in the existence of all things supernatural. Dan would have never let Lucifer or Maze anywhere near his family, and Ella had to either be a very good liar with the method actor theory or just as clueless. Linda, however, Izzy realized that had gone through the same stages she was trying to survive now — the confusion and the fear and the reluctance to meet other people. Therefore, the one thing she did by noon, was book another session with Dr. Martin for another day, this time to discuss something very different from her daddy issues or painful selflessness.

         As the day drifted on, Izzy finally understood that she had skipped work without permission, and when she found the strength to check her phone once more, she came face to face with a litany of voicemails. All of those from Lucifer and Maze she deleted without a second's hesitance, unable to even think their names without her heart breaking all over again for reasons she didn't even fully understand, but she couldn't bring herself to skipping the rest. Chloe sounded more worried than ever, though she masked that concern by informing Izzy that they were tackling a new case involving a serial killer who poisoned his victims, while Dan shamelessly begged for his best friend to call him, let him know that she was okay and ask for whatever she needed. Benji was blissfully oblivious and wondered why he hadn't heard from her, but Ella, on the other hand, was promising to break the legs of anyone who had hurt Izzy, and at that, the woman almost smiled — they all knew that she wouldn't skip work without good reason, leaving them all worrying.

         It was sweet, but the darkness that was drowning out the hope and happiness in her forced her to ignore all the messages and voicemails, leaving her hiding under the covers. And for the rest of the day, she remained just as silent and torn, the only sounds for Diane to hear being the desperate, lost cries against the pillows while Thor licked the tears away and brought his favorite toys to cheer her up. But for now, she just needed to face the pain and see whether or not she'd be standing up on the other side.

—————

         AS THE SUN rose for the second time, signifying a new day, Izzy decided to take on the upcoming hours differently. It was not the best option, but being alone with her thoughts at home was even worse, so with very little sleep behind her, the deputy was putting on her uniform and grabbing her badge after an outrageously hot shower and a pathetic excuse of a breakfast. Thankfully, Diane had left to run errands early in the morning, so with no mom to stop her, Izzy was settling behind the wheel and leaving for work only a day after her complete and utter breakdown. Unwilling to let her head explode and equally reluctant to let her clueless friends prance around Lucifer without someone to look after them, Izzy was making the foolish choice of starting her shift, in the belief that it couldn't get any worse.

         In reality, she was still spiraling towards rock bottom, closer to her lowest point than ever before.

        Still, it was obvious in her red eyes and uncertain steps that she was in no position to be catching criminals, yet she entered the precinct bravely, tossing her cap and bag on Dan's desk as usual. The man himself didn't take more than two seconds to spot her as if he had been waiting for her arrival all day long — knowing him, it probably wasn't far from the truth — and with rushed steps, he ran over to Izzy who barely noticed him approaching.

        "Oh my God, Iz", he breathed out in relief, strong arms pulling the woman into a tight, concerned hug, his hand holding her head while squeezing her to make sure she was really there. "What the hell happened? You haven't been picking up and you didn't show up yesterday and—", Dan hesitantly let go, but only to give a glance at Izzy's disheveled appearance, "not to sound like a dick, but you look like you came from—", while the deputy snorted and interjected on her own.

        "Hell?", she finished for him, giving the surroundings a glance in case Lucifer was to lurk around. "You have no idea", Izzy muttered under her breath, before gesturing at the busy precinct and directing a curious look at Dan, who never stopped hovering. "So, uh, what's the case?", the woman cleared her throat, arms crossed and a yawn trying to sneak out, but knowing that Dan was one step away from rushing her back home, she bit on her tongue and held the temptation back.

         Hesitant to put any more pressure on her, Dan eyed Izzy warily and reached out with his hand, careful and slow with his movements. "Hey, you sure you should be working? Let's go get something to eat first, yeah? And, maybe you could take a nap in the break room or something", he suggested with a concerned twinkle in his kind eyes, and as much as Izzy wanted to appreciate it, the argument was already rising up her throat.

        "No", she spat out, and when Dan flinched by her side, Izzy closed her eyes and shook her head. But then the image of Maze forced its way back, earning a groan from her as she placed one hand on her face and the other rested on her hip. "I'm—I'm sorry, that was really mean. I just, I'd really like to work on something, you know?", Isadora dropped her hand and looked back at Dan pleadingly, "just something small. I promise if it gets too much I'll back out, but please tell me about the killer", the puppy eyes she had learned to perfect too much for Dan to resist.

         With a sigh, he grabbed a file from his desk and offered it to the Holt. "Well, the mystery package turned out to be poison. We still haven't figured out who the killer is, but he's got two victims now. One of them died, but the other one got the antidote just in time. He's blackmailing people — the first guy was supposed to cut up his face but when he refused, the killer let the victim die. The second one sacrificed her hand for the antidote", Dan elaborated while Izzy skipped through the papers and reports, eyes struggling to focus on the fine print but she got the gist of it — long story short, the guy was a maniac and needed to be caught as soon as possible.

        Just as Izzy was about to question what she could do to help, desperate to have a purpose, the buzz of people in the precinct was drowned by Chloe's voice. "Izzy!", the detective breathed out, and while hastily shoving her phone in her pocket, she strode over to Isadora who shot her a weak smile in return. "Are you okay?", Chloe frowned, clearly worried after not hearing from her in a while, and as Izzy realized how unsettled she had left her friends, a surge of guilt banged at her chest. But, as she was about to offer some kind of an explanation, the opportunity was once more denied.

        "Ah, worry not, Detective. I'm sure whatever happened, Maze will be more than happy to kiss it better", Lucifer suddenly entered the situation, his usual jokes attempting to lighten up the mood, but for once, Izzy wasn't the slightest bit amused.

        She hadn't considered this part — facing him after everything she had learned, but now that he stood there, like any other day, hands in the pockets of his fancy suit, his charming smile dancing on his lips, she felt like floating out of her own body. Or maybe it was just dizziness, but either way, the mischief behind his eyes was somehow more obvious now, and as a sharp pain soared in her temple, Izzy gulped and looked away, unable to laugh at his words. And while Lucifer sometimes didn't get the hint, he certainly didn't miss the cowering in her frame, causing worry to flood his features as well.

        "Uh, I think you were right, about getting some food. I'm gonna, um, stop by the vending machine real quick and then I can... yeah", Izzy glanced at Dan while waving the file in her hand, and after dropping it on his desk, the woman was scurrying away with rapid steps. Needless to say, her sudden exit didn't relieve the weight on everyone's hearts, but as much as she wanted to care about that, all she could think about was Lucifer. Not as in, the man she had almost taken a bullet for, the man she had stood by through everything, the man she had foolishly trusted, but the Devil. That word repeated itself in her head on a constant loop, as if to remind her at all times. He was the Devil.

        And he had called her his advisor. His counselor. She was really taking the term devil's advocate to a whole new level, and she hated that.

        The buttons on the poorly lit up vending machine refused to cooperate, even after Izzy had shakily found some coins at the bottom of her pocket, and when the chips continued to mock her from the other side of the glass, the noise in her head increased. The pain multiplied and the confusion expanded and she felt like everything was about to explode, leaving her fist knocking against the machine, yet nothing happened. And just as she was about to tip over the breaking point, someone spoke from beside her, startling her.

        "You're not yourself", an observant comment made Izzy jump, and when she turned only to find Lucifer reviewing her keenly, the woman balled her hands into fists and leaned against the vending machine. "Truly, Izzy, what happened? Did someone hurt you?", Lucifer began questioning, and her quiet whispers to shut up fell into a void as he went on and on. "If that's the case, then simply tell me their name and I will make sure they get the punishment they deserve. Izzy—", he ranted away, and the word punishment instantly dug under her skin, making her snap.

       Maybe it was a risk, maybe not, but in the hurricane of betrayal and hurt, Izzy forgot to weigh the pros and cons, and let the fit of fire take her away. Angrily, she shoved herself off of the vending machine, both of her fists coming in contact with Lucifer's chest and making him stumble backwards, but she didn't back down just yet. As something of an immortal being, Lucifer was barely fazed by the weak punches, but Izzy needed this, and despite her fear, he had no intentions to hurt her — he would never, so, therefore, he just stood there and took it, admittedly confused but not defensive as Isadora pushed him. Bitter tears were rolling down her cheeks, and she was quickly wiping them away, but she couldn't hide the crack in her voice as she shoved Lucifer without ever looking him in the eyes, worried of what she might see. "How could you?", Izzy cried out, though she wasn't sure what she wanted to know, and even more lost, Lucifer could only look down at her, guilty yet still so indescribably worried for the one person he had thought to be loyal to the end.

        Swallowed by her own little bubble, Isadora didn't realize what a scene she was causing, not until Dan and Chloe were rushing to the situation, the latter dragging Lucifer away while Dan wrapped an arm around Izzy's waist and tried to calm the kicking woman down. "Hey, hey, look at me", he held Izzy back, but instead of following instructions, she finally found the strength to look at Lucifer, who stared back with a mixture of heartbreak and anguish. "Hey", Dan spoke once more, and with her squirming finally coming to an end, Izzy glanced at him, only to find another pair of concerned eyes. "You're going home, and that's final. You're not okay, Izzy, you can't be working right now. I can get you some food and call Diane, or whoever you want, and I'll drive you back, but you are not staying here", the detective spoke sternly, and once he was sure Izzy wouldn't lash out again, he loosened his strong arm around her.

       Shaking her head, Izzy buried her face in her hands, hearing Chloe tell everyone that there was nothing to see and only then realizing that everyone had been watching. Everyone had witnessed her breakdown, and all she could think about that now she had ruined her career too. Goodbye, friendships, relationships, dreams, and hopes. "No, no", Izzy finally breathed out, turning to Dan with a faint smile. "Thank you, but I... I can drive myself. I don't want to, uh, bother anyone anymore. Thanks, Dan. I'll just go to the bathroom and then I'm... I'm gonna go. I'm sorry", she insisted, and before the detective could argue, she was walking away, in a desperate need of cold water on her face and a moment to breathe.

       Maybe now, she would be able to do so.

—————

       A BITTER GHOST to keep her alerted without a break, the thoughts still haunted Izzy — but after fifteen minutes of leaning against the marble countertops of the bathroom and trying to even her heartbeat and the shallow flow of air, she was giving up. Working clearly hadn't helped, and any attempts to fix the situation would undoubtedly end in more havoc, and she had created her fair share of that for one day. If she wanted to make it through the day alive and not set her whole career on fire, the smartest thing to do was to go home and sleep it off. Properly, this time.

       The situation was not yet over for her, in fact, she was lucky if the pain had simmered down at all, but her head was starting to clear — if you excluded the lack of rest and food, things were less hazy now. Losing Maze and Lucifer was going to be a hard pill to swallow, but if it ultimately came down to survival and safety, then there was no space for doubt or wonder. It was all very confusing, but if she wanted to stay alive, if she wanted her loved ones to stay alive, then perhaps punching the Devil wasn't the way to go about it. Perhaps, avoiding them entirely was the right path to take on, no matter how hard it was going to be.

       The cool gush of wind outside was a relief on her burning hot face, and while the L.A heat was usually too oppressive for her liking, right now it felt a lot more freeing than the confines of the precinct. A small smile even threatened to bloom on Izzy's lips as she headed for her car, but she didn't quite make it there — the stride across the parking lot was cut unexpectedly short, instead.

       Izzy wasn't even given the time to realize what was happening, when a cloth was pressed against her mouth from behind, two arms ready to scoop her swooning body. Her eyes flew wide open, but fighting was of no use — she could barely get a hand up, when whatever had been used on the cloth worked its magic on the deputy, and she slumped down, nearly onto the pavement but quickly saved by the arms behind her. And never before had she damned an empty parking lot more, with no one to save her, no one to see what had happened, leaving her at the mercy of the kidnapper.

       Now, this, this was rock bottom.

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okay the ending feels really rushed but i didn't know, or even want to stretch it out too much. instead, everything that happened will be explained in the next chapter (:

this has to be izzy's lowest point though, and writing it was emotional,, at times it felt almost too dark?? but much like the people on lucifer who have figured out the truth, she's just lost and doesn't know how to get through it. i also haven't written this kind of a reaction before, my ocs always take it super lightly or they already know, so this was exciting to write!

a warning for the next chapters though: there are very heavy mentions of death and despair, and it will continue for a while afterwards because shrugging it off would be poor writing. it's not very graphic violence, but if you've seen 2x12 you know what to expect, so, if you feel the need, proceed with caution!