ALL THE TIME that Izzy had spent away from this part of Los Angeles had failed to affect the way she saw the surroundings — even with all the negative memories, there was something about the atmosphere that made her smile, from the people around her to the coffee shops she remembered quite well. She was used to living in the same small area, even if work sometimes took her all over the city, but visiting the place she had been stopping by every now and then since she was a teenager was always a nostalgic experience. There was a dog park she still claimed her own personal Heaven after that one occasion of being buried in puppies, and then there was the supermarket where she had openly flirted with a girl for the first time ever, and from where she picked up a cake to bring with her to Spencer this time too. Nothing ever stayed the same, but somehow, it all felt like it there.

        Needless to say, a heavy anvil of anxiety was making Izzy tap her fingers against the plastic cover of the cake and her weight shift from one foot to the other as she waited on the porch of Spencer's house. The place didn't differ all that much from the home they had all shared once, but one drastic change was that no happy families lived in this one. They had been that, but Spencer had torn it all apart, yet now, as he lived without a new family, Izzy couldn't help but feel some semblance of pity towards the man. Not always — sometimes she felt like he deserved it, but that was the more bitter side of her talking.

        But when she finally found the courage to knock on the door, and the footfalls coming from inside were followed by Spencer swinging it open, Izzy broke into a wide smile, just happy to see him after so long. And as always, Spencer was grinning within seconds as well, and with both of them cautious about the cake, they met in the doorway with their arms accepting one another into a longing hug. It always started out promising — to anyone watching from aside, it looked just like a father and a daughter reuniting, all smiles and encouragements to step inside while complimenting the house and asking if the drive across L.A had gone well. There was a lot in their relationship that seemed so healthy and loving, but that was only as long as certain things remained unspoken.

        "How have you been, Izzy?", Spencer wondered loudly as he stepped into the large kitchen to pour them both the coffee he had prepared after hearing that his daughter was coming to visit again. Taking her time to think about the question, and whether or not go into detail about the struggles she had faced, Isadora trailed around the house, noting the lack of family photos, and the dried-up plants he had neglected, before reaching the other entrance to the kitchen and leaning against the wall.

        "A mix of good and bad", Izzy settled for a cryptic answer while shrugging, and already suspecting work was the next topic, the woman licked her lips and stepped over to the table to draw out a chair and sit down. "Same with work, really. A few dangerous situations aside, it's been great. I love my co-workers and I have an awesome boss and being able to help people has been... fulfilling", the redhead crossed her hands and smiled up at Spencer, who offered one of two steaming mugs for her, before sitting down on the other side of the table and taking a sip of his own.

        "That's great to hear", he nodded while opening the cake Izzy had brought along and glanced at her with a faint smile. "It's been a while since you stopped by", the man pointed out, and although he wasn't really in a place to judge, he was right — it had taken her a while to get in touch, though then again, he could have done so too. Perhaps he was smart, after all, or at least enough to keep his distance and let their relationship work on her terms, instead of pushing and hoping for miracles.

       "Well, maybe the mix of good and bad has actually been more of the bad lately. A friend almost died and I got hurt too and whatnot so I figured that if life really is so fleeting, I'd like to keep things good with everyone rather than regret when it's all over", Izzy made the effort to share while taking in a deep breath and reaching out for the piece of cake Spencer sliced for her. Maybe it was because the toast Maze had prepared for her hadn't been the most nutritious snack to have on the road, or because chocolate undeniably had a relieving effect, but as soon as she had been gifted with a spoon, Izzy was biting into the dessert happily. Drinking in front of her father was not an option, but she needed something to soften her wary edges.

       Surprisingly, it was all quite casual — there was no pressure or worry on either of them as they talked about the latest TV shows they had watched, or how Thor was doing, or if Spencer remembered anything about Izzy's favorite superheroes. She found herself laughing, and he was smiling, and for a moment there, they were like they used to be, united and safe with one another. There was a sense of contentment between them as they devoured the cake together, and even if she was nearly thirty years old, Izzy couldn't deny that she felt just like she did as a little girl. That was until the topic of her co-workers were brought up.

       "So, tell me about the people you work with. They've treated you nicely, right?", Spencer queried, voice alert with curiosity and genuine interest, though perhaps he had an ulterior motive — Isadora, however, had succumbed completely to the fluffy chocolate cake and her father's attentive remarks on her more positive features, spoiled by all the love around him. Therefore, she was blind to what he was jabbing at, and with the remains of her coffee gulped down, the woman didn't hesitate to nod in response and sigh dreamily.

       "Oh, yeah, for sure. I don't know if you remember, but mom worked with this guy, John Decker. I'm now working with his daughter — or more like, working for her, but she is super nice. Then there's Dan, he's kinda like my mentor and boss, I guess, but he's also really sweet. I like his brother too, Benjamin, though he just left L.A. And, of course, Lucifer, Chloe's Civilian Consultant. He's... unique but we get along well", Izzy listed, a smile subconsciously creeping to her lips as she recalled all the friendships she had formed. "Oh, and there's this ridiculously awesome forensic scientist, of course", the deputy added, incredulous that she had forgotten about Ella even momentarily.

       Pouring more coffee for his daughter, Spencer cocked an intrigued eyebrow. "Lucifer? Like the Devil?", he spoke with something of a chuckle or a scoff, and grinning, Izzy confirmed his hearing with a nod — she wasn't going to go into detail about how it was all real, though, but maybe it would have avoided what was to come next. "Is he nice?", Spencer questioned, and by now, Izzy's eyes were hooded with doubt and her words getting stuck in her throat. He had that tone, like he was on the verge of suggesting something that was never going to happen, but hopeful to the end, Isadora kept it going, in the belief that maybe it wasn't what she thought.

       "Uh-huh", she sipped on her mug, voice weary with suspicion, "I protected him from getting shot once, so yeah, it's a bond of mutual trust. We've had our ups and downs but he's one of my closest friends", and unintendedly, she made it sound hostile rather than happy about her friendship with Lucifer. Maybe it was because they had gone down this road many times before, every time she brought up a man of whom she cared about completely platonically, only for Spencer to hold out hope for the very opposite. She had learned to recognize the way he spoke and stood and looked at her, as if begging for this time to be different, expecting the result to be the one he wanted.

       "Sounds like you really care for him", he feigned innocence and false support, and before he could even imply anything more, Izzy was setting the mug down with a thud and letting out a chuckle of pure and utter disbelief. Tongue stuck on the inside of her cheek while she glanced down at her clenching fists, Izzy tried to keep calm, but she couldn't dodge the blow that shook her heart with the expectations he had for her — of things she could not change.

       Heeding Linda's advice, Isadora looked back up at Spencer, who was yet to sit back down, but she was merely grateful — it gave her the chance to stand up as well, in defiance if anything. "I should mention that through Lucifer, I also met this woman, Mazikeen. And she is... unlike anyone I've ever met", Izzy radiated pride, knowing very well that those words were ones that Spencer did not want to hear, which was only all the more reason for her to speak them out loud. In a snap of fingers, the air in the kitchen had switched completely, from cozy and comfortable to thick with tension that could have been cut with a knife. But for once, Izzy wasn't running from it.

       In the beginning, she had submitted to the discrimination, scared of what would happen if she didn't. She hadn't been brave enough to stand up to him, not even as she grew up, instead, she had turned the other cheek and despite leaving, she had always come back. But this time, there was a fire behind her eyes — maybe it was something that had been a matter of time, maybe some of the spark was the fruit of Mazikeen's influence, but nonetheless, she was delighted to feel it storming within her. It was about time, wasn't it?

       "Wow. And is she your girlfriend, huh?", Spencer blatantly stared his daughter in the eye as the mocking words slipped from his mouth, zero regrets or even an inch of guilt instilled in the blaming tone that had been heard more than enough in the house, and in their former home.

       Laughing in disbelief, Izzy pushed the chair away with a screech and pointed an angry finger at her father. "You know what, maybe she is, and so what?", she seethed, her tone reaching a level of fury that rarely could be heard from Isadora's mouth, but now that it was flowing through her so genuinely, she didn't dare to stop it from giving her the courage she needed. "If I ever get married, it will be to a woman, not a man, like you clearly keep hoping. I am a lesbian, dad, and it's not a—a phase, or a myth or a choice or a character flaw. It's who I am, and I'm proud of it, and it breaks my heart that you can't be the same. But if it's such a difficult concept for you to grasp, then I'm done wasting my time", the woman ranted, speaking from the heart as she grabbed her coat and stormed out of the room, right towards the front door with the deep-rooted intent to leave and never look back.

      She had done so far too many times, and it never ended well.

       "I thought you said you wanted to keep things good with everyone", Spencer called out from behind her, slow steps following her to the foyer but he was in no rush — as if it didn't even matter to him if she was walking out, not only of the house but of his life. It was incomprehensible to her, how one could care so little only because of a thing like sexuality. She had thought that support and being one big family would be more important than who she loved, but here she was, corrected in the most bitter way.

       Turning around with a frustrated grimace, Izzy looked Spencer in the face and nodded sternly. "I did. I do. But you won't meet me in the middle, so I can't pretend like we're all good, when you can't accept who I am. But hey, I'm glad I came, because at least now I know not to come back every time, hoping for a different result. It's just like you hoping for me to tell you I'm a dating guy — neither is ever going to happen, so we both might as well give up, yeah?", Izzy fumed, and with one last glare sent his way, she was yanking the front door open and stomping into the hot L.A evening. And like an angsty teen, she slammed the door behind her, enraged tears burning at her eyes and her breathing shallow from the words she was glad to have spat out.

       And for the first time ever, she didn't even hope for him to call after her and apologize. Maybe nearly dying had encouraged her to patch things up with those who still made the situation salvageable, but it didn't work with everyone — however, it had also opened her eyes to the childish naivety she had treated Spencer with, and how it needed to end. She was moving on, letting go, and as painful as it sounded, she much preferred being out and proud than hanging onto that last shred of judgment holding her back.

—————

       THE ADRENALINE RUSH that followed Izzy from the house she was never calling home again, held the hurt at bay and kept her anger levels at an all-time high. She was rarely a furious, heated person, but right now, she was boiling with something indescribable, something she hadn't even thought to be possible, but it was making her heart beat heavier than before and the leather of her wheel squeak with her relentless iron grip. It lasted all the way to her side of L.A, but as soon as she was parking the car and giving a glance to home, the dam within her was finally breaking and the rage slowly burned away. She wasn't certain if it was all just hitting her now, the finality of it all, or if she just yearned for Diane's motherly comfort, but the tears she had so successfully wiped away, made a reappearance as she scrambled out of the car and shut the door with a little too much force.

        The bright lights on their porch illuminated the dark night, and in the process, her red cheeks and sad eyes, but before it could blind Izzy and leave her weeping outside, she was opening the door and stepping into the warmth she had already missed. It wasn't just literal warmth, but the safety and trust she felt at home, with Diane, and with Thor, who was quickly speeding from the living room to his mother's feet. And finally smiling again, albeit rather weakly, Izzy knelt down, both hands grabbing the Cocker Spaniel and pulling him into a tight hug.

       "How you been, baby?", she mumbled into one of Thor's floppy ears, but despite the attention he was willing to receive, the dog didn't take much time to start squirming and grumbling. Izzy didn't hesitate to put him down though, in fact, she was glad to set him back to the floor, so she could drag her feet to the living room where Diane instantly took off her reading glasses and closed the novel she was nearly finished with — it was her natural instinct telling her that something was wrong, perhaps more than any other time, way before Izzy had even said a thing.

       Exhausted, mostly from the whirlwind of emotions, Izzy slumped down onto the couch, and as soon as Diane had inched towards her and wrapped an arm around her taller figure, the youngest Holt was breaking apart. Eyes shut only to encourage the tears to roll down her cheeks and over to her quivering lips, Izzy leaned into the embrace Diane was enveloping her in. "I'm never going back", she sniffled, head shaking as she dropped it low, "it was so nice at first, but he just can't see me as his daughter or anything I was before I came out. All I am to him now is a disappointment", and as the shaky sob filled the room, Diane rested her chin on top of her head, feeling her own heart break as well. Even Thor was whining, knowing exactly when something was wrong and trying to relieve the aching by gathering his favorite toys for them to enjoy.

       "I know it sucks, sweetie, I know. But you're not a disappointment, and anyone who sees you that way is not worthy of your big heart. You are perfect just the way you are, Iz, and I am going to love you twice as much, on his behalf too", Diane announced, unwavering affection bleeding into each and every word as she held Izzy tight. And she was right — it did suck, but at the same time, Isadora knew it was for the better. Now, she no longer needed to cling to false hope, she could rely on the people that did love her, instead. Accepted her as the person she was, without trying to change her or judge the parts about her that had taken the most confidence to own.

       The two Holts sat in silence then, not sure what to say, or if anything even needed to be said. The hug they rocked back and forth in was quite enough, at least for Izzy who just needed to know that at least her mother was still there for her. And when the time would be right, she could turn that brewing heartbreak and betrayal into something productive, spend all that wallowing in proving to herself that she was amazing. It wasn't quite as simple as just labeling the situation as one single person judging her — it was more than that when it was her own father, but she had tried. She had made an effort, she had reached out, she had fought for a relationship but Spencer was the one to blame for the crash-and-burn. Blaming others wasn't what Izzy did though, but she did take pride in who she was, even if others didn't.

       "He tried to ask if I was dating Lucifer", Isadora murmured eventually, her voice hoarse and throat sore after the long silence, and when Diane snorted in amusement, she did the same. It felt good to laugh again, so she did, eyes crinkled and all. The mention of dating someone, though, reminded her that she had called Mazikeen her girlfriend, more or less made their relationship official. The only problem was, she hadn't talked to Maze about it, and she wasn't quite so sure where they stood right now, but it had come automatically, and the thought of it now, made Izzy's heart soar and lips twist upwards.

      The ping her phone made in the back pocket of her jeans was what finally got Izzy out of Diane's arms, though her mother didn't falter from her side, eyes keenly on the younger redhead as she dug out her phone. "Speak of the Devil", Izzy mumbled, seeing Lucifer's name plastered across her screen, and as she proceeded to read the handful of messages he had sent, adorned with emojis, the back of her hand wiped away the remaining tears. With a cough, Izzy regained her posture on the couch and ran her fingers through the knotted mess of hair before glancing at Diane with knitted eyebrows. "I think he's asking me to go to this private school with him, they investigated a murder there today and apparently Chloe and Maze are there too", she tried to put together the string of emoticons Lucifer had attempted to communicate through, though there were, luckily, some English words to help her figure it out, too.

       "Do you think you should be working right now, honey?", Diane frowned, and she had a point — the day had been draining, to put it lightly, but Izzy had promised to show up in the evening, no matter what the outcome of her visit. Therefore, she had an obligation, and she had enjoyed a two-week break just days ago, so there was so need to stay back again.

       "Most of the work's been done anyway, so I might as well help them finish the case. And besides, Lucifer said his situation wasn't work-related, and Maze is there too, and I kinda wanna talk to her", Izzy defended herself as she dried her eyes and exhaled heavily to release the tension within her. Diane didn't even bother trying to hide the speck of worry in her gaze, but Izzy tried to convince her with a flashy smile, assure that despite the waves of emotion, she was still holding her head above water. "And, also—", the woman began once more, only to be interjected by the honk of a car horn in the dark night, making her grin and point a finger towards the large window, "I'm pretty sure he's already outside."

       Even if saying goodbye to Spencer, in a manner that felt more official than anything else, was taking a toll on Izzy's heart, it had been her decision to walk away. And it had been the right one too, so she could live with her choice instead of spending the rest of the week contemplating it. On top of the desire to work again, though, Izzy had to confess that seeing Mazikeen wasn't a half-bad bonus — and the idea of a relationship was one that she wanted to tackle as soon as possible.

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my girl is always crying )): but in my defense, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions for her and crying is only human and there's nothing wrong with it!! (this is 100% me defending my own cry baby personality) + also using gifs of kat crying is so tempting because her acting is s o  g o o d

also, since this chapter tackled a really important, heavy topic i just wanted to remind you all that you're worthy of love and appreciation no matter what. whether you're out or not, lgbtq+ or straight, you're all so so wonderful and we're all just as valid and deserving of the same respect. ❤️❤️