My sword's got no hilt

Damn what's death?
Living with the realization that each min n each sec
U r just breathing of which u r not even conscious.

I don't know what's the biggest sorrow anymore?
Knowing that u r shameless enough to be this brazen
About u being a failure
Or not penting away your heart for your self esteem's sake.

I am floating in an oblivion;
Hardly anything going on.
I try to wake up fresh
But each time darkness engulfs me even more.
What's the difference in survival n being alive?

I don't know if I even have any right to give excuses.
I am not taking any failures well;
Or taking them too well.
God knows what bothers me more
I am a complete paradox.

Trynna show courage to face;
Yet living with the failure.
Engulfing guilt n heart seeping all into it;
Putting up a facade of I don't care;
I am now worried if I am sane.
Not letting it out bothering me more
Yet know no way to do it anymore.;
Rather if I have even the right to let it out.
It's not even okay if I shout
Coz it brings more guilt.

My sword's got no hilt
N that's the reason I am hurting.
Where is the rule of not dirting?
Coz it's like having no gloves
While cleaning away the dust.
Don't know what's the must!
Realizing the sting in a fraction
Doesn't give enough time to elicit a reaction.
I am done far gone now
No matter whatever I vow
I maybe never into it at all.
Just rising after each fall
That's what I do for now.