15 | caligo
darkness, inability to perceive mentally

dedicated to kolsmikaelson

FIVE PERCENT. THAT was the amount of charge I had to call my mum and use Google Maps to make my way to my destination. I cursed as the red battery bar glared at me, tempted to try and navigate my way around London, but I didn't know the bustling city well enough.

It was the Saturday before Christmas, and the streets had exploded into a plume of people. The echo of voices filled every nook and cranny of the city, people panicking and rushing around to squeeze in the last of their Christmas shopping. The smell of hot chocolate wafted into my nose from a nearby cafe, making my mouth water. The winter air was bitterly cold, and in only a hoodie, I was frozen to the core. Yet, this was what the British Winter was about. As I watched people smiling, and gasping at the Christmas lights as I passed Carnaby Street, I felt my heart warm. The anger I had trapped within me earlier had dissipated, leaving behind a strange emptiness, but I managed to scrape a smile.

Damon was out of my life for good. I wasn't going to see him again. I had no room in my life for liars.

But I was also afraid to call my mum because I hadn't spoken to her in so long. With the mystery of who wiped my mind solved, and the answers to my questions found, I now felt free to call her. I hadn't wanted her to worry, and now she wouldn't have to.

I turned down an emptier street, and headed towards the nearest Tube station. I swiftly unlocked my phone and opened contacts. I pressed on my mother's face, and the call button before I could regret my decision.

My hands were shaking as they placed the phone to my ear. The phone rung five times, each tempting me more and more to hang up.

I was met by silence on the end of the line, and then a voice that made my heart crack. I hadn't heard it in so long, and I hadn't realised how much I missed it. My mum was my life - she had always been there, through my highs and lows, heart breaks, and violent pursuits. She loved me no matter what, and I replicated the same love towards her, too.

"Cora?" My mother whispered, her German accent causing tears to spring to my eyes. I didn't push the tears down, and let them stream from my eyes like a salty river. Passers-by gave me strange looks, but I ignored the creased eyebrows and smiles of sympathy. These weren't tears of sadness.

My mouth moved, but I couldn't find the courage to form words.

"Oh my God, Cora, I've been so worried," the woman sighed over the phone. I had expected her to sound furious, but she was the opposite. "I've been calling and calling, and you never picked up. What's going on? Are you ok?"

I exhaled a shaky breath, and ran my hand through my loose hair. It was greasy from my lack of showering, but I didn't care. I didn't care that I had twelve stitches in my shoulder, nor that the man I had developed feelings for had broken my soul. I didn't care as long as I could hear her voice.

"I'm- I'm ok," I stuttered, trying to hold myself together, but I was already broken into one million fragments. I choked on the words as a sob escaped my mouth, and another round of tears streamed from my eyes. I quickly wiped them away with the sleeve of my hoodie, but as soon as they were dry, more came to replace them. "I've just-"

I paused, because I didn't know what to tell her. There was too much to say, and I had always hated phone calls. I prefered speaking in person than over an electrical device that society put way too much faith in.

I couldn't do this. I needed my mother more than anything, but this still wasn't completely over. I had to make things right with Nathan, and then I had to forget the vampire world all together. After all, it was no place for a human.

"Ich liebe dich," I whispered down the phone, and tore it away from ear. Before I could protest, I hung up and descended down the stairs to The Underground.

Anne Hawk deserved better. But then again, so did I.

MY HEART WAS racing tenfold as I reached the third floor of the Grand London Hotel, panting from choosing the stairs over the lift. I guess part of Damon had rubbed off on me.

No, do not think about him. Even his name made me feel sick.

He was no longer a part of my life, but the man beyond this door very much was. I wanted answers, but above all, I also wanted him. I wanted his comfort - for him to tell me that everything was going to be ok.

My fingers clenched into a fist, and rested against the oak of the white door. I paused before I could knock, debating whether or not this was a good idea. If I had any common sense left, I would've taken the first train to Southampton Central, but I was not done with this world. The feelings that had been erased from my memory by Damon had begun to rise, seeping into my veins like electricity. The messages on my phone were enough to tell me how I had really felt. That, after all this time, I had fallen for Nathan in the first place.

I inhaled, taking in a deep breath of oxygen before knocking against the door. I heard a shuffle from the confines of the room beyond, and stepped back. I quickly messed up my hair and straightened my clothes before the door creaked open, revealing Nathan's tired demeanour.

Damon had explained that there was one day left of the Trials, and if Nathan had the blade, then he was the most dangerous person to be around. Yet, with my involvement in killing the king, and having eight days of my memory wiped, I didn't care. And with him staying at his hotel room, he was hiding in plain sight.

Nathan opened the door wider the moment he realised I was waiting on the other side. His eyes softened, and a smile cracked onto his lips. His face was beautifully calm given the circumstances, and he was just as handsome as I remembered. His slanted eyes gazed at my posture, and his cheekbones were sharp enough to cut stone. His lashes tickled his eyebrows, and I suddenly found it difficult to breathe as his eyes landed on mine. Dark eyebags loomed under his eyes from the lack of sleep, and he had fresh scars from the ordeal with Elijah, but he was just as happy as ever. Maybe it was because I was here, or because he was about to become King. I didn't care which as long as he was happy.

"Cora?" The vampire enquired, and I walked straight past him into the room. Clothes were strewn all over the floor, spilled like an open jewellery box. He was clearly already packing to go home, and the thought made my heart sink. The room was dark, so I drew open the curtains, allowing the dilapidated sunlight to floor into the room. Nathan winced at the light. "What're you doing here? You can't be 'round me right now. It's not safe."

I crossed me arms over my chest. "Everyone needs to stop telling what is and what isn't safe. I'm fucking sick of it."

My mind shifted back to Damon and his lies. I couldn't even fathom his handsome face in my head without tears spilling into my eyes. Nathan noticed my eyes watering, and walked over slowly, the door slamming shut behind him. I flinched at the noise, but Nathan wrapped his strong arms around me before I could push him away. I inhaled his rich scent of his expensive after shave, making my head feel light. He always smelt good and I couldn't get enough.

After a moment, the man pulled away and placed an arm on my shoulder. His touch tingled, and I bit my lip. All of my true feelings were resurfacing, and although my feelings for Damon weren't completely squashed, I knew that what I was feeling this time was real. These were the feelings that had been wiped from my mind.

"Hey, you ok?" Nathan asked, sympathetic smile forcing a smile out of me. He wiped away the tears from my eyes. "What happened, blondie?"

"I-" I stopped, because I couldn't find the courage to speak the truth. I couldn't say the truth because I still didn't want any of it to be true. "Damon was the one who compelled me to forget. He used me to get the fucking heart and- I just really don't want to talk about it right now."

Nathan stroked my cheek with his soft hand before moving it away. He wandered over to the four-poster bed, and sat down. He patted the space beside him, and I reluctantly sat down next to the man, staring straight ahead at the vintage wallpaper. I hadn't been in this room for a week, yet it felt like a century. So much had happened in such a short space of time, and I was no longer the same girl who had entered this room seven days ago.

"Sorry," I smiled, and wiped the tears away as though they had never existed. "I know this is a shit time for you, with the trials and everything." I didn't know why I was apologising - fuck the King trials.

"No," Nathan replied defiantly. His gentle features were scarred beyond recognition, but they remained beautiful nonetheless. "You don't need to apologise for anything, Cora. None of this is your fault."

"I know," I sighed with a shaky breath. "It just feels like I can't trust anyone anymore." Not even you.

"That's ok. Take you time, alright? You're welcome here for as long as you need."

Nathan gazed down at the carpet, and I followed his eyes to the ground. The air between us was like electricity, yet neither of us wanted to address the static. Layer after layer of my compulsion was being stripped away, and everything I had felt was flooding back into my body like a tsunami.

"You didn't deserve this," Nathan muttered after a few seconds. He shook his head, clenching his hands into fists. "Damon never deserved you. I should've stopped him when I had the chance, then maybe this would've never happened."

"No, don't fucking blame yourself, Nath," I replied, and shifted so that I was sat cross-legged on the bed facing the handsome vampire. For a man who held the ace of spades in a severely dangerous game of cards, he was extremely calm. "This one's on me. I fell for a monster."

"As soon as this is over, Cor, I swear to God he'll pay for whatever he did to you, whatever memories he stole," Nathan hissed through his teeth.

I shook my head. "No. I don't want him in my life anymore. And that means you staying away from him. Killing him won't bring my memories back."

Nathan sighed, whole body heaving with one breath.

"I wish we could go back to how it was. I cared a lot about you, Cor. You scared the shit out of me when you disappeared for eight days, but you've always been spontaneous. I should've known something was up," Nathan continued, but I fastened my eyes shut and refused to listen. We were going around and around in circles so much that my brain felt as though it was enclosed in a washing machine.

"Nathan, stop. Can we please talk about something else?" I slowly opened my eyes, revealing Nathan's brown ones staring at me with awe. It was as though he was trying to map out my face, engulfing my wide amber eyes and scattering of light freckles across my nose.

"Like what?"

I drew my eyebrows together as the man reached forward to tuck a rogue strand of my hair behind my ear. "Like how the hell you're so calm right now. Y- you still have the blade, right?"

Nathan glanced around nervously and then nodded. Instinctively, I lowered my voice and leaned in closer.

"Then what the fuck?"

"I made a counterfeit. The vampires are chasing round after some useless piece of flint, while I have the real one hidden. I'm all set," Nathan smiled, proud of his work. Part of me was disgusted that he craved power, but it was all part of human nature. No one wanted to be weak or controlled by someone else.

"Smart," I admitted. "But why?"

"Why become king?"

I bowed my head. "Isn't being the head of a clan enough?"

Nathan tutted and shifted off the bed. As he stood up, he towered above me with a demonic presence, the blood in my veins turning to ice. Although I had feelings buried deep down for the beautiful vampire, there was a haunting presence to Nathan I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Being King is the greatest honour of our kind. We're granted with strength and power others of our kind will never experience. And I want to do my father proud," Nathan explained, throwing around his arms in the process as though it would aid his explanation. "I've been alive for five centuries; seen kings rise and fall. I know I can be better, and can keep the peace between our species and yours. I know it's dangerous and that I'll be killed within the century, but it's worth it. I've lived long enough, and I'd rather go down a king and fighting than no one at all."

His words were beautifully sculpted as they fell from his mouth. I was mesmerised by it all, and had to blink rapidly the moment he finished speaking. It all made sense, despite his opinion differing from mine. Some people were born to be leaders, and I had no doubt that Nathan was one of them.

I stood up, wiping down my clothes to distract myself. "Your father would be proud," I muttered as tears sprung to my eyes. I knew next to nothing about Nathan, but when he talked about his father there was something so raw in his voice. It reminded me of my mother.

"Hey hey hey," Nathan muttered, glancing at the water in my eyes. I quickly looked away, hoping that he hadn't noticed, but it was too late. In a millisecond and parting of air, he was stood in front of me with a sympathetic smile on his dark lips. I shivered as his hands touched my skin, circling under my eyes to catch any tears that might fall. I hated myself for letting him see me like this - to see my weakness - but the vampire didn't point out my tears. "My father would be proud, but that's no reason for you to cry, blondie. What's up?"

"I-" I stopped, choking on the words. "I miss my mum."

"Then go get on the first train to Southampton and go see her. It's Christmas, Cor. You should be with her, not me," he waved his arm at the London skyline, "here. Uni broke up days ago, you should be back home."

"But you fly back next week, Nath. And- and-" I stopped. Even I didn't know what I was trying to say.

"Forget about me, Cora. We've had our time, and maybe I'll see you again. But right now, you need your mum. Anne needs you. Having me in your life will only make things difficult, no matter what I feel." Nathan exhaled, the pain blatant in his mocha orbs.

"No," I replied immediately. "You do not get to walk out of my life that easily." First Damon, now Nathan. I had known he was leaving next week, but the truth still stung like a wasp.

Nathan puckered his lips, unsure of of what to say. My eyes flickered between his face and his lips, tracing the lines of his handsome face with my vision. His necklaces glinted in the yellow hotel light, bringing an ethereal beauty to the wooden carvings. The air around the man dazzled with dust motes, dancing in the oxygen like haunting death. I watched them part as the man moved in closer to check that I was no longer crying, the static between us seemingly humming. And that's when I couldn't taken it any longer.

Maybe it was because I was in a weakened emotional state because of what Damon did. Or maybe it was because my true feelings were finally showing. I didn't know, but what I did know was that within a split second, my lips were on his.

I heard Nathan let out a surprised sigh as I leaned forwards to kiss him, my lips lingering on his for a few moments before pulling away.

I didn't feel regret as our eyes met, and Nathan bit his lip. I watched as his eyes scoured over my face, reading me like an open book. I expected him to storm out of the room and slam the door behind him, but instead he used his incredible speed to grab my waist, pulling me into his rock-hard chest.

I gasped at the sudden action, but my oxygen supply was cut off as he placed his lips back on mine. His hands wrapped around my body, so strong they could break my back like a twig. All I could feel was the storm erupting around us, my skin alight as though it had been doused in oil and set on fire with a single spark. Nathan was the spark and I was being engulfed by the red-orange flames.

I groaned as the kiss deepened, and took a moment to breathe as the man pulled away. He planted kisses down my neck, and in a rush of air, my back hit the wall with a light thud. I pulled Nathan's lips back to mine, and allowed the man to pull my legs around his waist. I moaned once more, the vampire biting my lip before sliding his tongue into my mouth.

I had pulled people in clubs multiple times during my one-and-a-half years at university, so I didn't feel self conscious about my actions. Moreover, this was so much more than pulling a stranger in Ballie-Ballerson. My feelings towards Nathan were still mixed, but this kiss was more than just a kiss. It was confirmation.

The kiss was over as abruptly as it had begun. I pulled away, the mixture of my feelings making my stomach lurch. Was this right? Was it right to kiss the man so soon after I had kissed Damon? Having feelings for two people wasn't from the norm, but I had to choose one. And I had chosen before Damon betrayed me, and it felt wrong to act so soon after one vampire had shattered my heart.

Blinking, I couldn't look Nathan in the eye. "I- I need a shower," I lied, and hurried into the bathroom without looking back. 

NATHAN'S LIPS WERE the only thing on my mind when Big Ben rung out twelves chimes, signalling that midnight had struck. The ominous sound cut across the city like a knife, writhing through the inky streets with a deadly ease. For a few seconds, the world fell silent, and the man staring out of the window heaved a huge sigh of relief. He was already dressed for the occasion in a tailored suit, and 24-carat gold cufflinks. On the other hand, I had opted for one of Nathan's oversized black t-shirts, and the same pair of leggings I had worn days in a row, simply because I had no other choice.

I had been trying to fall asleep for the past four hours, but my body was too pumped full of adrenaline for me to even close my eyes. I had instead decided to charge up my iPhone with Nathan's charger and delve back into the past, as though I was opening my own time capsule. Sure enough, pictures of Nathan and myself flooded my photostream, and I had also taken time to reply to all unanswered messages from my mother and friends.

"So that's it?" I asked, and rose from the warm sheets. The duvet fell of my body, and I couldn't help but shiver as the coldness of the hotel room crept in. Nathan had turned the lights off hours ago, allowing me to sleep, but now the black became a haunting envision of monsters and elongated shadows. Despite the beautiful city lights glowing white against Nathan's frame, the world held a deadly beauty I desperately wanted to escape. After all, I was leaving for Southampton today to spend Christmas with my mother, German grandparents, and Hannah.

Even though I didn't want to leave Nathan behind and never see him again, I knew it was for the best. Leaving behind and forgetting that I could about the vampire world and my whole ordeal was the only way I could go forwards, and not be held back by the fact that my hands had killed Alexander.

"You win?"

Nathan finished scrutinising the landscape and turned around at lightning speed. "Yeah," The vampire sighed and stood before me in a blink. I took a step back, flinching at the sudden movement. "I mean, I have the coronation ceremony, but that's it. The other competitors can't kill me, and I have the blade. It's over. I'll be king."

I smiled at the man, and inhaled as he stepped closer. "Guess your father would be proud."

The mention of his father brought the glimmer of tears to the old vampire's eyes. "Very."

After the single word left his mouth, silence encapsulated the world and washed over us like a tsunami. I opened my mouth to find a reply, but the whirring of cars on the streets below and the hum of the London evening - the stillness - was too perfect to disturb. I glanced up at Nathan's face, and found myself unable to tear my eyes away. For a man who had had his neck snapped too many times to count over the last week he looked better than ever. His skin glowed like molten honey, as though it had been bedazzled in a surplus of crystals and jewels.

I glanced away before my cheeks could turn a new shade of red, and spotted Nathan's black leather jacket on the bedside table. I chucked the garment at him using my weak arms, which he caught with a chilling ease.

"You better go get ready," I muttered with a smile, and rose from the bed to make my way to the toilet. "They'll be waiting."

"Alright, alright," Nathan laughed, and I slid my eyes down the ground.

I swiftly made my way to the bathroom, and locked the door. As soon as I was out, Nathan was standing, ready and waiting with the obsidian blade tucked into his black leather belt where everyone could see it. It was a risky move, but if - like the vampire had told me on countless occasions - the vampires stuck to their sacred vows that the competition strictly ended at midnight on the winter solstice, he had nothing to worry about.

Nathan had scrubbed up well in the two minutes, and my breath caught in my throat as I laid eyes on him once again. His lips curved into a smile, and his confident walk as he trudged over to me made my heart hammer so fast I was afraid the organ would erupt from his chest. The man stopped merely centimetres away, and reached out to hold my chin. The contact was electrifying.

"You know I can hear your heart beating that fast, Cora," Nathan laughed as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

I bit my lip. "I don't know what you're on about."

"Get some sleep, blondie," Nathan sighed, and stroked a strand of hair behind my ear. I blushed. "I won't be long."

I nodded, suddenly wondering whether I should go and support Nathan for the ceremony, but turning up to an ancient church filled with vampires did not have a happy ending for a human. I wanted to see my mother more than anything, and the only way to do that was to stay alive.

"See you later," I smiled, a wave of tiredness consuming my body. I reached up on my tip toes and quickly placed a kiss on the man's soft lips, before turning to the door. "Go get your crown." I added with a wink. Knowing that I hated the idea of him becoming part of the monarchy - or any system that relied on a single leader - Nathan smiled and edged towards the door.

Wrapping my fingers around the glacial metal door handle, I pulled the door open. Expecting to see the dimly lit corridor glowing beyond, the hallway was swallowed in darkness, shadows swirling in the inky black like demons. And within the shadows stood another shadow, the silhouette of a person towering over me until I felt like I had melted into the floor.

My breath caught in my throat. I recognised that silhouette: the slim shoulders; the ruffled hair. Yet, instead of the friendly approach I had expected, this welcome felt much more sinister.

I couldn't breath.

Death crawled into my lungs like icy water. And I was drowning in it.

Nathan opened his mouth to speak, but he never had the opportunity to form words.

In a blink, the shadow surged forwards. I moved my arm out to stop him, but my actions were far too slow for a vampire of such speed. All I could do was watch in horror as the silhouette reached into Nathan's chest and twisted.

The handsome vampire's face contorted into a mask of pain, his hands trying to push the pursuer off, but the sudden burst of speed had caught us both by surprise.

And with one movement, Nathan's heart was torn from his chest, still beating in the bloody hands of his murderer.

I couldn't move. Blink. Scream.

All I could do was stare as the light faded from Nathan's eyes like a life being switched off, before his corpse collapsed to the floor. I wanted to run forward, hold him, say goodbye, but his limbs turned to dust and blinked out of existence within a second.

I slid my angry eyes back to the shadow. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. 

Nathan was simply- gone.

"Hello, Cora," a familiar voice chanted. "Now, I believe we have a ceremony to attend."