for multistanqueen11

san wooyoung

time dragged cluelessly on, the number of days he was without san piling up and spilling over until there were too many and somehow along the way he just lost count.

he continued living his life patient and unmade, quietly existing without feeling like he was really there at all. the only reassurance any of it was real was the steady rise and fall of his chest, the sole clue that he was alive amongst blurry occurrences he couldn't seem to hold onto.

alive. existing. but not living.

in between his numb acceptance, wooyoung selfishly craved for the boy he let go, aching for his presence as his body sang for his touch, his words, his smile.

he prayed that the spiral of time moving him forever would take him home again, home to san, to his refuge with whom he felt safe, loved and whole.

but no, he would continue to remind himself that it was his love for san that kept him at arm's length. it was his stark, passionately uncontrollable adoration that drove him to stay away.

it was his whole, beautiful feelings as real as you or i or the word itself that grounded him to respect and let be the boy who he was not good enough for. would never be good enough for. who no one would ever be good enough for in wooyoung's eyes.

he had grown to love him so much that the only thing that mattered was san's happiness, security and wellbeing. and if those things were not present with wooyoung as his lover, than he did not deserve to be with him. it was simple as that.

but love is never simple, missing him a physical endearment that ached throughout his entire being, with all that he was, is and will be. loneliness a suffocation of awareness and enclosing grey.

seeing him was an unavoidable torture, but always from afar, observing the paleness of his skin and darkness around his eyes. analysing his sluggish movements and fallen face.

that was in the first days. they were the hardest ones, when he couldn't run to him, enclose him in his shielding arms and lay him down and kiss his hair and help him sleep.

it became easier, though. he looked happier, his smiles less forced. seeing him became less painful in the fact that he looked more at peace but so much harder because wooyoung knew he wasn't the reason.

in turn, san made little effort to speak to him again, accepting an idle conversation as an exchange was inevitable. these moments were awkward, brief and abrupt, neither being able to stay in the other's presence for too long.

wooyoung's reasoning was not being able to trust himself to stop, not being able to control when he broke and spilled the songs fastened in his chest, their chains becoming looser ever second spent in san's company.

san's reasoning was unknown to the once lilac haired male, and he could only guess and fantasise that the other had the same difficulties, wanting him just as much.

they had not spoken for weeks at most on that day, when wooyoung was so lost in his thoughts he collided head on with someone unknown, to whom he began to mutter and apology, not raising his head.

"watch where you're-" an annoyed response left the lips of his victim, a voice which he recognised immediately and had his head snapping up so he could drink in the sight of who was magically before him.

"wooyoung?" san's voice became smaller, softer, his whole demeanour changing from walled spunk to unsure vulnerability that melted wooyoung's heart.

they stared silently at each other, too startled to move, time seeming to stop for them as one boy took up the other's vision and filled their minds, speeding up their hearts and weakening their carefully constructed walls.

san didn't look as tired, but something about him still remained out of place, his clothes too baggy and his skin too cold. other than that, his dark hair has grown out a little, falling in his eyes past his ears, framing the expression of bewilderment held by his gorgeous face excellently.

the moment was a halt in time before clocks whirred back into motion, san stepping back and averting his gaze. wooyoung remained transfixed, eyes savouring the glimpse of who'd become his oxygen. if he looked away he'd die.

before san could move past him and leave him a breathless mess with lungs screaming for more, wooyoung closed his eyes with a sad exhale before opening them to tell him gently, "don't do that."

"w-what?" san stuttered, playing with his hands as memories flooded his brain and feelings refreshed strong as the first time he felt them.

"don't-" he hesitated, searching for how to explain and keeping the other here longer. "don't fall apart for me. don't change and let yourself weaken because of me. you're strong, san. so strong."

and maybe it was his name leaving his lips so easily that caught san's breath in his throat, but it was too much. the other left without an answer, hurrying past on his way and leaving wooyoung standing alone in the hall, raising his head to the ceiling as if that would stop the tears from falling.

wooyoung san

he sat in a blue cushioned chair, crossing and uncrossing his legs, tapping an unsteady beat with his fingers like that of his heart when he ran into wooyoung earlier that day.

the four walls around him were creamy white, home to no stains nor marks, not even the slightest of imperfections. a modern clock ticked obnoxiously on the left wall, the only ornament they held besides an abstract piece of artwork on the back wall behind him which he memorised when he first came in. an empty oak desk was positioned further to his left, sibling to an oak bookshelf to his right, packed with books on neuroscience and mental health.

opposite him, in a twin chair, sat a young man who san had put at being in his late twenties or early thirties, a pristine name tag positioned perfectly atop a dark blue dress shirt reading 'doctor bang', bleached blonde hair curling neatly atop his pale skin, kind brown eyes staring inquisitively across at him while he fidgeted.

indeed, san was in a counsellor's office, as he had been ever thursday since four weeks ago. the sessions were mostly because he needed someone to talk to, and because they made his stepbrother happy.

doctor bang preferred himself to be called a therapist, (qualified, he never failed to add) but san refused to do so as it only made him feel more of a lost crazy cause. he wasn't insane, though. just broken.

"how was your day?" doctor bang started off easily, faint australian accent shadowing his korean, an encouraging smile urging san forwards.

"i saw him." san admitted. "i hate how he makes me feel so small and stupid and helpless, yet-" he broke off, unsure of what he was about to let out.

"do you still have feelings for him?" questioned the blonde patiently, clasping his hands under his chin.

yes. god, yes. "i- i don't know. why would you ask that?" he fumbled, hurt in his expression. "you know what he did to me."

"san, i'm your therapist, not your friend." doctor bang explained, not unkindly. "that means i can be honest with you. did you ever confront him afterwards? from what you told me, it seems jung wooyoung changed a lot, and that video happened a long time ago."

san pressed his lips together, unwilling to voice his reluctant agreement. some part of him knew doctor bang was right. so instead, "i still love him." in a small voice. "why do i love him? he lied. i don't want to love him. i'm not worth loving."

"we talked about this." his therapist's tone was harder now. "you are worth it. and your boy knows that. communication is key, san."

a stretch of silence passed between them before doctor bang sighed, accepting he would get no more from san on this topic.

"anyway, how are you?" he changed the subject, scanning san's appearance once more. "eating alright?"

"i'm fine." he lied out of habit, still lost in his thoughts. "i could smell it on him." he added randomly.

"smell what?"

"the smoke. the weed." san's shoulders slumped. "he hasn't changed."

"but when he was with you..." ventured doctor bang, recalling what san had told him of their relationship.

"i wish he would get help." san admitted softly. "but it's not my problem anymore."

"it sounds like your boy needs more than a therapist." the older agreed matter of factly, before shifting the topic again. "how've you been sleeping?"

san shrugged. "same." a pause. "can't you prescribe me sleeping meds?"

doctor bang rubbed his temples as if they'd been over this thoroughly in the past. "san... you know i can't do that if i can't trust you to stay safe and use them responsibly."

san looked away, setting his jaw. he knew he wasn't suicidal, he just found life unbearable at points and was prone to doing stupid things.

"look, you've been through a lot." the man continued. "but i'm telling you now, as a professional, you'll never be at peace until you make up with your boy. you slept fine when he was in the room, no?"

"that is so beside the point." san scoffed. "besides, you know i've enrolled somewhere else. i'm switching my life back on track. i've got an apartment in daegu. i won't see him again."

"i know." doctor bang nodded. "i'm proud of you. it was a brave decision which i respect very much." but he wasn't finished pushing san to make up with the boy who broke so much more than his heart. "i just think it's awfully sad for you to leave without telling him anything. perhaps regrettable."

"i'll be better off without him." san countered, not so confident in his statement. doctor bang saw right through him.

"do you believe that?"

"i'm not sure i like this conversation anymore." san returned, wary of the man he hadn't grown to trust fully yet.

"that's fine." doctor bang's tone was believable, perfected in his profession. "what about your friends?"

"what about them?" san questioned, voice cold. "jeongin's off the radar. hyunjin's too busy trying to keep wooyoung alive to be there for me. yunho wants to live with mingi. yeosang's parents live in daegu, and where i'm transferring is where he wants to intern, so... there's hope for us."

"and... lee felix?" his name brought back a painful memory.

"san?" hyunjin. "jeongin got back to me."

"and?"

"it was a team effort. hyungwon and... felix."

he remembered breaking down. the betrayal shocking him on repeat.

"how could he?" hyunjin hugged san who was too shaken and teary and weak to reject him.

"love makes you stupid." hyunjin shushed him gently. "i guess hyungwon pressured him."

but all san could remember was his own stupidity as he rocked back and forth in hyunjin's arms.

"i don't want to talk about him." san blinked away the memories, clenching his fists and taking a shaky breath.

"breathe." doctor bang advised, mimicking the action. "slowly." in, out. "good."

"you're going to be okay." he told him, once san had calmed down.

"thank you," san whispered. "for everything. sorry i'm such a hopeless cause." he laughed weakly.

"you're not hopeless." the blonde man shook his head. "not at all. you're reshaping your life. after losing the trust of everyone you care about. after everything you've told me and undoubtedly more."

"you're a good person, doctor bang." san told him honestly, feeling slightly silly sitting hear as basically an adult falling apart.

"just doing my job." doctor bang smiled. the smile was forced, though, truly he felt infinitely sorry and sad that this poor had brought up such a way that he fell in love with someone who hurt him once physically and countless times emotionally. that he forgave so easily because all he wanted was someone to love him.

-

wow i hope y'all resent me for taking so long because i certainly do

nothing much to say besides please read 'fuckboy' by san-seo  because it's literal art and it deserves a million more reads than this excuse for a fanfic

xxx