san wooyoung

a million emotions sprinted through his mind, propelled by his actions and crushing and drowning him.

guilt, anger, confusion...

he felt terrible for doing what he did to san. but at the same time... his thoughts were so jumbled. he was so confused.

regret. self-loathing... his usual logbook on a thursday morning.

wooyoung couldn't remember what had happened after the other left him. he just remembered how elated he had felt to be relieved of the stress of trying to maintain the perfectly tailored unapproachable image he had spent his life creating as a defence to getting close to anyone - and then that feeling being snatched away.

the elation that came from being with san, the relief of being himself. but the drugs his boyfriend so desperately despised were part of him, too. wooyoung hated that, but he couldn't change it. he couldn't change something about himself so quickly, something that had shaped him since, well, longer than he could remember.

he needed time. so did san. but wooyoung didn't want time. life was too short to request breaks in the concept of time. too short to waste time spending it away from someone because you think time might heal or change something.

'time heals' was the biggest load of crap wooyoung had ever heard. perhaps time lessened the severity of the wound, yes, but never truly erased it. the memory remained, and the longer away from someone you... liked, the more painful it was to bare.

as soon as he was out of sight from san and in the range of mingling students, he slowed his pace and walked more lazily, as if someone hit the 'refresh' button and gave the coding of his machinery a reprogramming.

reprogram complete, 'fake ass society image' has been activated, would you like to accept? wooyoung snorted aloud.

what a joke. but still, he accepted it. he always had.

and when he sat himself down with his friends, he smirked and laughed pretending he hadn't just made what may have been one of the biggest mistakes of his life, pasting on yet another mask for them to believe.

and though he pretended to be wholly inattentive, wooyoung unintentionally raised his eyes whenever someone walked into the cafeteria, silently praying, wishing, hoping, expecting it to be san.

but, it never was.

so eventually he stopped looking.

wooyoung got through the day as if filming a scripted show, not allowed to say anything real or be anyone real.

the toll it took on him to keep this facade up was increasingly draining, and he couldn't help but turn back to the comfort of artificial happiness every once in a short while to relieve himself.

one thing he did notice was his inability to feel anything for anyone else besides san in terms of a very different form of relief. wooyoung couldn't bring himself to pretend to like being with anyone besides the boy he missed so much, so surprisingly he found himself not even trying to look for that distraction.

there was only so much of the all too frequent act he could take, and no matter how out of mind, high or disoriented he got, he wouldn't cheat on san. that was one thing every version of himself concluded to agree on.

finally free of the suffocating
prison hallways some called a school and wooyoung a stage, he released a breath into the cool air, stretching his neck and fingers twitching to retrieve a cigarette from the top of his jeans' pocket so his cancer stick and he could share the good weather together while it still lasted.

darker clouds shadowed the greying sky ahead, gathering not too soon after wooyoung walked beneath the previously calmer sky, cotton clouds morphing into billowing smoke banding together above.

the universe was playing some twisted game with him and didn't appreciate it. hilarious, he thought sarcastically while flashing his middle finger bitterly to the sky.

the breeze only picked up slightly in answer, as if laughing at him, childishly tickling his neck in a provoking manor.

"what did the sky ever do to you?" an amused voice asked, and soon wooyoung's shadow was joined by another, smaller and keeping his distance.

"jeongin." wooyoung acknowledged through gritted teeth, closing his eyes for a moment and turning to face the younger boy.

"i guess you're pretty chuffed with yourself, huh?" wooyoung forced out, the younger smugly shrugging his shoulders in reply. "after all, i guess this is what you wanted."

jeongin bit his lip, suddenly looking less pleased with himself. "i never wanted san to be unhappy."

"well that's what he is, thanks to you." wooyoung scoffed, only feeling the smallest amount of guilt twinge at his conscious when jeongin flinched.

"that's actually your fault, not mine." jeongin shot back, running a troubled hand through his messy hair. "you're the one doing what he hates. no one forced you to. you can only blame yourself."

"don't you think i know that?" wooyoung sighed heavily, shaking his head tiredly. "what do you want?"

jeongin pursed his lips, tapping his fingers indecisively together. "for you to tell him."

"i don't know how to-" wooyoung protested, biting his lip. it's not even a big deal. the longer you keep it from him, the bigger of a deal it gets.

"well the severity of the problem will only increase with time." jeongin advised, more or less quoting wooyoung's own thoughts. "tell him. i'm trying to be a good friend to san, and i really don't want to hurt him, but now that more people know, knows who'll let slip."

wooyoung's head snapped up and he narrowed his eyes. "is that a threat?"

"it might be." jeongin replied casually. "besides, there's still the video. ten seconds that could make a lot of people really unhappy."

video? "i thought that was fucking deleted after i asked-" wooyoung began angrily, but the younger cut him off apologetically.

"you don't always get what you ask for." he adjusted his bag strap, averting his eyes from wooyoung's and to the sky, holding out a hand to check for rain as one drop landed on his own cheek. "this is the last time i'll warn you. the video is not under my control, so i can't do anything about it, okay? if i had it my way the video would've been destroyed a long time ago."

"if you had it your way a lot of things would be different." wooyoung grumbled as the other turned away, but jeongin just laughed shortly in agreement before pulling out an umbrella conveniently just before the rain started.

wooyoung just stood helplessly on the path, allowing himself to get soaked, as if the rain could wash away his mistakes.

it splashed down on him increasingly, dropping down his neck and flattening his hair to his forehead.

wooyoung eventually decided standing in heavy rain was idiotic, neither romantic nor pleasant, so he ran hurriedly for cover, shielding his eyes and spluttering as the water ran down his nose and mouth.

once indoors, he shook his head violently like a wet dog might, spraying water droplets left right and centre.

sighing heavily, wooyoung made his way to his dorm room, shoes squelching with ever step and leaving a trail of water behind him.

unlocking his door in no hurry, he glumly recalled another time unlocking his door, much more hurriedly and when he was not so alone.

trying to rid himself of the reminder of what san's lips felt like against his own, he flopped onto the crumpled bedsheets, unmade and unoccupied now that san wasn't there.

if san saw that video... wooyoung didn't want to think about it.

he would surely hate him even more than he did now, more than wooyoung hated himself if that were possible, and the conflicted boy recoiled at the mere inkling that san would never look at him or so much as talk to him again.

the video wasn't a huge deal, but the fact san was unaware of its existence was definitely more importantly crucial. that and the fact wooyoung was aware of its existence and when it was taken and hadn't bothered to tell the other all this time.

so it all led back to wooyoung. he could have cleared this up a long time ago, but he chose not to.

before he could wollow in his own self-hatred, which he was perfectly content in doing, a harsh knock sounding sharply on his door, shocking him into reality.

"the fuck you want?" he grumbled, unsure of who would be at his door at this hour and not in the mood to deal with them.

"i might tell you if you open the door, dumbass!" came the aggravated voice of hyunjin through the thin wood.

surprised, wooyoung complied and open the door warily, revealing the other boy to storm in with blazing eyes and a heightening temper.

"what the fuck did you do?" hyunjin questioned, and without allowing wooyoung to say a word he simply continued ranting on. "tell me why san ran into my room crying and won't tell me why!"

he cried? "i don't know-" he lied, truthfully ashamed of his unexplainable actions.

"don't start with me, jung!" hyunjin commanded, gesturing harshly with a finger to the other. "you obviously did something! and it's more than the drugs-"

"what do you want me to say?!" wooyoung shot back with equal ferocity, stepping towards his friend. "my damaged boyfriend found out i was a druggie and can't handle it? that without him i went off the rails? that i'm an unstable fuck-" he had to stop because for some reason he was tearing up.

"wooyoung." hyunjin's tone turned slightly softer. "he can handle it. he just doesn't want to see someone he cares about get hurt in an all too familiar way! and you're proving him right by hurting yourself with those things he hates so much."

hyunjin let loose a breath, judgementally examining the other's drenched appearance. "but you obviously did something else or he wouldn't be like this."

wooyoung felt his lip tremble minimally. "i never wanted to hurt him."

"well that's what you've done." hyunjin replied flatly, brutally honest. "so you need to accept that, because right now, there is a very upset boy crying alone in my room, and he needs you to sort yourself out."

"i wish i could, hyunjin, but i don't know. i'll just... go and apologise to him now." wooyoung stated quietly, wringing out the wet sleeve of his shirt.

"no." hyunjin shook his head conclusively, holding up a hand to halt him. "the last thing he needs is to see you right now and confuse him more."

his shoulders slumped, but he didn't try to get past or defy his friend's advice. "i guess you're right. just... make sure he gets some sleep, okay? and keep him away from jeongin."

hyunjin smiled a little sadly at this, as if they both knew that probably wouldn't happen, but frowned at the last part. "i don't need to do that. he has shiber, you know?"

"that's what i'm worried about." it should be me.

as hyunjin left, he turned around once, regarding wooyoung with a warning stare. "and wooyoung? leave jeongin out of this."

-

60k???? what??? i love you all so much i swear 🤧💞

also ateez released comeback teaser thing and i can't even- their hair colours!! ! !!!!

this baby TT

he owns this look that hair was MADE for him

^ bonus

xxx