wooyoung san

san made straight for the nearest bathroom, minho's callous retorts weighing down on him like bricks. he was affected more than he would have thought, but those words hit a little too close to home and san had to believe they were not entirely wrong.

his parents didn't want to deal with their problem son. he was too much for them to handle.

his breath began to quicken as a rebellious tear escaped his eye, trickling down his cheek, and then another.

they don't want you.

jongun probably wishes the woman he married didn't have a son. a son like me.

san leaned over the basin, breathing hard as he fought back more tears, shoulders shaking with the effort not to let himself go. he couldn't breathe; and each struggle for air only brought on more tears streaming down his face.

looking at himself in the mirror, he hated what he saw. hated who looked back at him.

it's not my fault.

"san?"

the hesitant familiar voice of wooyoung scared him shitless, and he frantically wiped his face, trying to blink away evidence of tears.

a comforting hand found his shoulder, and although its touch caused san to flinch away, he appreciated the other's actions.

it never occured to him that what had totally panicked him when wooyoung touched him was exactly what startles virgins on being touched for the first time by the person they desire: he stirred nerves in them they never knew existed and that produce far more disturbing pleasures than they are used to on their own.

for someone known to love spotting defects in everyone else, san derived a certain satisfaction from concealing his feelings for him behind his usual indifference, hostility, or spite for anyone in a position to outshine him at home.

wooyoung was too perfect, and san almost hated that it was becoming increasingly difficult to spot faults in the other.

he followed me. san thought bewhilderedly, avoiding the searching eyes of the latter.

"...are you okay?"

san didn't reply. when someone is alone, crying in an empty bathroom, are they usually fine?

drawing his arms around himself, he looked again into the mirror, reddened eyes staring back at his quivering lips and distraught features.

he looked like half the wreck he felt.

another face joined his in the dirty glass, not saying anything this time. just looking. looking at him with such genuine worry, san could hardly stand to look at him.

"don't try to act like you care about me," san choked out softly, his heart and head already in too much of a confused spin.

"i'm not acting." wooyoung replied, placing his hands gently on san's shoulders and turning him away from the mirror so that he faced him.

"whatever it is i feel, i know that i do care. i can tell you that much."

more hot tears rolled down san's cheeks, dripping onto his neck. "no one's ever really cared about me before."

wooyoung drew him against his chest, wrapping his arms around the other boy tightly, rubbing his back in soft rhythmic circles. "that's not true."

"it is." san sobbed into his shoulder, burying his face into the others neck and collapsing defeatedly into his arms.

"i can promise you it isn't." wooyoung whispered into his hair, placing his chin on the top of his head. "although he may not admit it, jongho cares. and your friends."

san shook his head weakly against the other's chest, unable to understand why anyone would care about him. "they only feel sorry for me."

"why?" the other questioned soothingly, never ceasing his slow rubs and quiet shhing.

"because of my dad. my real dad. he'd dead, wooyoung, and i'm glad. he made my mother's life hell. and mine. no one was sorry to see him go. but they all know. and they think i'm damaged, they think i'm breakable, like if they don't act like they care i'll shatter." san poured out honestly, which was quite ironic seeing as he was breaking right now.

"i don't think you're breakable." wooyoung pressed a feather kiss to his head, looking down at him earnestly. "i think you're strong."

san laughed, pulling away from him slightly and sniffling. "you barely know me."

"maybe that's what you need," wooyoung gave a small smile, an unexplainable look passing over his eyes. "someone who doesn't know you. who won't judge or treat you based on what they know."

san regarded this for a moment. "maybe," he agreed sadly, "but from the start, i have judged you based on what i know and have heard."

"and rightly so," wooyoung pursed his lips, not bothering to deny the words. "but maybe all you've heard is wrong. if it were true, would i be here now? with you?"

"no. and that's what i can't trust. i don't know which parts of it are real."

wooyoung, considered this, looking at san with worried eyes before sighing. "in the beginning, it was the bet. getting you to like me a little. my own little touch. but i never planned- i never planned the rest."

san had about expected as much, but the words still hurt. "so in the end, you were fake, too."

"no," wooyoung shot back. "i wasn't. i'm not. i was never supposed to kiss you, or want to protect you. that was never part of the bet. i hate messing with you, san, and i want this to all be clear."

"are you clear on your feelings?" your feelings for me? because i'm not sure of mine for you. none of it makes sense. but he didn't say any of that.

"no," he replied again, truthfully. "you have to understand, i was brought up believing it was wrong to like another boy. it was how i was taught."

"so was i," san stared at the other coldly, a haunting look in his eyes. "yet here i am, accepting myself. i know who i am." that was the biggest lie he ever told. san feared he would never know he was. he struggled with that every day.

"well, it's harder to accept for me." wooyoung suddenly drew him into an embrace again, resting his chin on san's shoulder. "yet here we are."

"here we are." san repeated, his arms hanging limply at his sides.

they remained like this for a few seconds, wooyoung hugging him while san calmed down, not hugging back but not drawing away.

until the bathroom door barged open, and someone frantically invaded their space, loudly making his entrance.

"san!" wooyoung let go of san in surprise, startled by the intruder.

"i heard what happened- what's he doing here?" the intruder, felix, eyed the two suspiciously, eyes darting worriedly between them.

san cleared his throat, a blush traitoressly creeping onto his cheeks. "i-i'm okay."

felix ran up to him, holding onto his arms and scanning his face over a few times. "are you sure? i know-"

"he said he's fine." wooyoung interrupted, glaring at felix in disdain.

"relax, jung." san added quietly. "he's my friend."

felix's shoulder's fell momentarily, and he looked at san hopelessly for a second. "right."

wooyoung huffed in annoyance, leaving the bathroom unwillingly after one last lingering glance at san.

as soon as he was gone, felix brought san in for a hug, but it wasn't comfortable like wooyoung's had been. his grip was too suffocating, too awkward. felix was one of his best friends. san didn't know why he couldn't find the energy to return the hug.

"i know you're probably not okay." felix began in a low whisper, letting go of san and looking at him levely. "you can be honest with me."

"i'm really okay." san assured him uncomfortably.

"san-"

"why don't you believe me, felix? i said i'm fine. minho's just an asshole. it was- in the spur of the moment. i can deal with him."

"why are you pushing me away?"

san sighed deeply, really not wanting to hurt his friend. "you're a good friend, lix. i don't want to ruin that."

felix's hand came up to his face, touching his cheek briefly. "but i can't help it."

san kindly removed the other's hand, holding it in his own for a moment. "you shouldn't care too much about someone like me. it's too much effort."

"then i'm willing to give you all that effort. i'll give you everything." san almost cried again, and he hated himself for having to do this to someone he cared so much for.

"i can't have you doing that. you need to find someone that requires less effort to love. i'm not that person."

"but you'll let jung wooyoung care?" felix retorted bitterly, but it wasn't really a question.

"he- he shares some of the same pain as i do." san looked down, not wanting to see the pain and hurt in his friend's eyes any longer. "felix, i care about you too much to let you go through that."

"it's too late," the other replied sadly. "nothing hurts more than your lack of confidence in yourself. loving you is only hard because you don't love yourself."

"so how can i love you when i don't even love myself?" tears began to brim in san's eyes once more, threatening to spill over again. "what wooyoung and i share isn't love. but i've known you for too long. we've been friends for too long to ruin that."

"we would be friends first, and lovers second. perhaps that's what lovers are." felix took a shaky breath, placing his hands on either of san's shoulders. "i'll give up, if that's what you really want. but only if you tell me this doesn't mean anything."

without warning, felix drew his lips onto san's, kissing him with a hurried desperation.

san, to his own surprise, did not pull away. he figured he owed felix that much, however cruel it was. one kiss.

and so, slowly, he kissed back, not with much feeling or passion, but with a tender friendliness.

the whole short time he kissed him, san couldn't help but think it felt nothing like kissing wooyoung. it lacked so many aspects of that pleasure; shared excitement and anticipation, passion and unleashed lust.

kissing felix, one of his best friends, felt almost wrong. he felt like a liar. san hated himself so much in those moments, hated that he could not return felix's feelings, hated how he did not push him away soon enough.

when he pulled away, san was hardly fazed, but the other breathlessly searched him for evidence of what the kiss meant, for any feeling. the only thing san felt as a result was disappointment and self-loathing.

"why did you kiss me back?” he asked,  confused.

”so you could see there was nothing."

"i saw enough." felix replied, touching his lips as if still in disbelief. he walked out of the bathroom without a backward glance at san, who was left standing alone.

as soon he the australian boy was out of sight, san sank to the floor, putting his face in his hands and letting out another muffled sob he'd been holding.

he never wanted to hurt felix. but he didn't ask the boy to have feelings for him.

or maybe he did. guilt overtook him as san realised the signs had always been there, and he had never addressed them nor pushed felix away.

it was his own fault.

in the end, it all was.

he may never have risen from that cold floor, if not for the final entry of his step-brother, who regarded him with tired, calculating eyes.

"you look like you've had a rough day."

-

a long awaited updated <3

the next is chapter is planned to be relatively lengthy and might contain some scene not all of ya'll are comfortable with so thou hath been warned

sorry this chapter wasn't ALL that exciting but i promise the next one will be!

we all need a distraction from the shit kpop is going through this month but i won't get into that

i love you all sorry for the wait

xxx