*trigger warning*

Gerard sat by Frank's side in silence, having relocated from his previous position on the bed an hour ago, because Frank kept tossing and turning, and he had seemed to settle down some when Gerard had removed himself from under the covers, so now Gerard was perched on the edge of the mattress nervously, watching Frank with a wary eye as his mind was assaulted by worst case scenarios.

Gerard was falling apart right now, and no matter how hard he tried to hold the pieces of himself together, he was shattering, breaking down under the weight of everything that had happened over the past two weeks, and no one was there to snap Gerard out of his destructive state this time, except Frank, who was currently lost in the realm of sleep, and Gerard couldn't bring himself to wake him, no matter how badly he ached to hear his voice, or to feel his warm arms encircling his waist.

A constant stream of tears had been pouring down Gerard's cheeks for the past thirty minutes, and no matter how many times he wiped them away, two more came to replace the ones he had shed, and Gerard had given up on the pointless effort some time ago, because no one could see him cry, so he didn't have to hide right now.

Gerard just felt so alone, so worthless, so pathetic, and he couldn't stop the slew of self-hatred that was repeating over and over in his head, a never ending mantra that was slowly ripping Gerard to shreds, piece by agonizing piece.

It's your fault

You could have saved him

But you didn't care

If you had only taken him to a doctor sooner

Now it's too late

Why are you watching over him like it will save him?

Stop lying to yourself

Nothing you do will ever help him

You aren't worthy of him

You should be the one dying instead of him

Gerard clutched his aching temples in his hand as he whined low in his throat; the agonizing truth in his thoughts hurt so much, like physical wounds, and Gerard needed to do something to shut them up - now - before he went insane.

But Gerard's usual surefire method for silencing the voices in his head was to drink, and being the recovering alcoholic that he was, Gerard didn't have anything in his house, which left Gerard weak and defenseless as his mind continued to torment him.

Gerard sat there for another fifteen minutes, whimpering softly as the never ending assault continued, growing in intensity with each passing second, until Gerard couldn't take it anymore, and he launched himself to his feet, grabbing his phone before shutting himself in the bathroom so he wouldn't disturb Frank, but he was still close enough to hear him if he called out for Gerard.

When Gerard got like this, and he didn't have any alcohol on hand, he usually turned to the blade, but as tempting as the option seemed right now, Gerard had been clean for almost three months, and he didn't want to disappointment Frank by giving in after so long without, not before doing everything he could to resist that is.

Frank always took the urge away from Gerard, and simply hearing Frank's voice made Gerard forget about the allure of blood running down his arms entirely, but Gerard refused to wake Frank up just because he was so weak, so he turned to the only other person who had always been there when Gerard needed him most.

Gerard dialed his phone with fumbling fingers, pressing the device against his ear once it was ringing, and even though Gerard knew it was late, and the odds of the person he so desperately needed to talk to being awake were slim to none, Gerard had to try before he gave in to his fucked up head.

"Gerard?" Mikey's groggy voice broke through Gerard's thoughts, and Gerard felt like he could breathe again for the first time all night now that he had his brother with him, even though he wasn't actually present, and it was just a cell connection, but it was still good enough for now.

"Hey Mikes..." Gerard choked out, trying his best to hide the fact that he had been sobbing, even though he knew Mikey would be able to tell instantly.

"Gee...it's three in the morning, can this wait?" Mikey grumbled irritably, and Gerard really wished it could, and he could shove his problems to the background for another day, but he honestly needed Mikey right now.

"I know Mikes - I'm sorry...I'm just - it's bad, and I want to...like before," Gerard babbled out, and to anyone else but Mikey, Gerard would have been speaking nonsense, but Mikey knew Gerard, and he knew exactly what Gerard meant, because he had seen Gerard like this hundreds of times before.

"Hey - it's gonna be okay Gee, you are going to be okay. You called me right - so you don't want to do this, you don't have to do this," Mikey begged softly, sounding much more awake than he had two seconds ago, his fear for Gerard instantly snapping him into consciousness like a bucket of cold water to the face.

"I know...I'm trying not to, but I'm so scared Mikes - I'm so alone, and I hate this, and I can't - I'm not strong enough," Gerard sobbed softly, sinking down against the bathroom door dejectedly as another wave of tears assaulted him.

"What's wrong? I know you probably don't want to tell me, but I can't help you if I don't know," Mikey coaxed gently, and even though Mikey was trying to hide it, Gerard didn't miss the way his voice was trembling slightly, and he felt so fucking guilty for making his little brother have to deal with something like this at such an ungodly hour.

Gerard shouldn't be doing this to Mikey, because he was the older one, which meant he was supposed to be Mikey's support, his role model, or whatever, not the other way around, but for as long as Gerard could remember, their positions had been reversed, and Gerard depended on Mikey much more than Mikey did on him.

"It's Frank...he's sick...and I have been trying to work up the nerves to call you for ages so I could tell you, but I couldn't, and now - I don't know what I'm going to do..." Gerard stuttered out, and he knew he wasn't making any sense, but it was hard to speak when his chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself with every word, and talking about Frank was making the sensation a thousand times worse.

"I don't understand Gee...what's wrong with Frank. Is he okay - is he there with you?" Mikey asked, and even though the last thing Gerard wanted to do was explain Frank's condition right now, he knew he had to do it, because Mikey wasn't going to let him drop it.

"He's here, but he's asleep, and he's not okay. H-he's got a brain tumor, and it's inoperable, and he's dying Mikes...and I think I'm dying too."

"What - Gerard, please tell me this is some sick joke?" Mikey gasped out, and the pain Gerard could hear in Mikey's voice made Gerard cry even harder, because Frank had been Mikey's best friend before he moved, and Gerard hadn't even had the curtesy to tell Mikey about what was happening, and although it had been out of fear, and not any ill intent on Gerard's part, he still felt horrible for dropping this on Mikey in such an insensitive fashion.

"I'm not - I'm so sorry, I should have told you the second I found out, but I haven't even accepted it yet, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry...I'll go..." Gerard whispered quietly, inching closer to the bathroom cabinet, in which he knew lay a fresh pack of shaving razors he had purchased the other day.

"No - don't you fucking dare hang up the phone Gerard. I know what will happen if you do, and I don't want you to hurt yourself okay? Just please - keep talking to me for a little while," Mikey pleaded, but Gerard was already drifting away from him, his attention attracted by the package he was turning over in his hand idly.

"I'm sorry Mikes...I shouldn't have called," Gerard mumbled distractedly, setting the phone down so he could tear open the box of razors with his teeth.

"Gee...please don't say that. I'm so fucking glad you called okay, and I want you to phone me any time you feel like this, but you can't shut me out right now, or you will do something that you'll regret."

"I - I need to do it Mikes, because then everything will stop hurting for a little while, and I will be able to function again, and right now...right now I just can't, I can't even breathe, and Frank needs me, but I'm in here crying my eyes out like the selfish asshole I am," Gerard sighed heavily, because really - Gerard was disgusted with his behavior right now, but all thoughts of how Frank would react if he found out what Gerard was about to do had flown out his mind, and Gerard just wanted to get this over with so he could return to Frank's side where he belonged.

"Gee - listen to me. I want you to get out of the bathroom, because I know that's where you are, and I want you to go wake Frank up so he can be with you right now, because I don't want you alone, not when you are like this, and I know Frank feels the same way," Mikey's stern tone made Gerard jump slightly, the half opened box of razors tumbling from his hand and onto the floor, causing the metal blades to fall out of the package with an almost silent click as they hit the tile floor.

"I can't do that Mikes...he's sick - he has a fever right now, and he needs to sleep it off, and I need to learn to live without him anyway don't I," Gerard chuckled weakly, even though it was really more of a sob.

"He's still here right now Gee, and he loves you, and he doesn't want you to do this to yourself," Mikey persisted, but Gerard was done talking, his mind was completely focused on the blades laying directly in front of him. Gerard was already starting to feel a pleasant numbness as he stared at them, and he knew it would feel even better once he had actually made the first cut.

"I'm sorry Mikes, I love you..."

"Gerard - I swear to god - don't you dare hang up this fucking phone -" Gerard cut Mikey off by doing just that, ending the call abruptly before tossing his phone onto the counter carelessly.

A small part of Gerard's mind felt terrible for what he had just done to Mikey, because really - he had called him for help, and then completely ignored him when he tried to do just that; so in the end, he had woken him up at three in the morning, probably scared the shit out of him, and then hung up on him like he meant nothing to him, but Gerard was drowning in the much larger portion of his brain that was screaming all of the reasons why he should do this.

And even though Gerard knew he was seriously fucked up right now, and he wasn't thinking coherently at all, Gerard was too far gone to separate fact from the fiction woven by his mind, and he truly felt like he deserved to hurt - if he deserved anything at all, it was this.

Gerard was done arguing with himself, and he was so fucking tired of putting on a brave face, so with a sigh of surrender, Gerard snatched one of the blades off the icy floor, pressing the cool metal against his wrist and making a decent sized gash before he could second-guess his actions.

Gerard breathed a sigh of relief as he watched the blood trail down his arm lazily, and it was as if all of his worries, and fears, and self-hatred were draining out of his body along with the crimson liquid, so Gerard made another cut, and another, quickly losing himself in the stinging pain, and the hot blood, and the white noise that was filling his ears as he finally gave in to what his mind wanted him to do.

And if Gerard had been paying attention to what has happening around him, which he most definitely wasn't, he would have heard a phone ringing in the nearby vicinity, and he might have caught Frank's voice speaking to someone in the adjacent bedroom, and he might have been aware of the soft footsteps rapidly approaching his current hiding place, but he missed all of that, so he wasn't prepared at all for the bathroom door to be flung open violently, or for the pair of warms arms that surrounded him, making Gerard drop the razor in surprise.

"Oh Gee...why?" Frank sobbed quietly, and once Gerard recognized his voice, and the fact that Frank was here sunk in, and Gerard realized that he had caught him in one of his weakest moments, Gerard instantly snapped out of the haze he had been in, and reality came rushing back in like a wave crashing onto the shore.

"Frank..." Gerard whimpered, clutching his bloody arm to his chest in an attempt to hide his failure from his boyfriend, even though it was too late, and Frank would have to be blind not to have noticed.

"Why baby...why did you do it?" Frank whimpered, turning Gerard around so he could engulf him in a proper hug, making Gerard's pointless attempts at obscuring his mistake from Frank completely pointless.

"I - I don't know...I'm so sorry, and I thought you were asleep..." Gerard whispered guilty, trying his best to avoid Frank's eyes, because he couldn't stand to see the tears he could hear in Frank's voice right now, it would only make him feel even worse.

"I was...Mikey called me - he was worried about you, and fuck - I tried to make it in time, but..." Frank cut off abruptly, burying his face into Gerard's chest as he cried softly.

Gerard fucking hated this - he hated making Frank cry, especially over something as stupid as this, but Gerard only had himself to blame, and he had to deal with the consequences of his actions, no matter how much he wanted to hide himself away and pretend like this had never happened.

Gerard had never quite understood why his habit of self-harming upset Frank so much, even more than his old alcohol addiction, but it did, and Gerard knew that, but he had still done it anyway, which made him pretty much the shitiest boyfriend in the world at the moment.

"I'm so sorry Frank, I just - I lost control, and I fucked up, and I'm sorry." Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank hesitantly, trying not to let his bloody arm touch Frank's white t-shirt, but Frank didn't seem to mind at all, if the way he pulled Gerard even closer to his body was any indication.

"It's okay Gee, but you should have woken me up - fuck - I wish you had, but at least let me clean your arm." Frank pulled away from Gerard, wiping his eyes with a shaky hand as he tried to get a better glimpse at Gerard's wounds.

"I can do it Frank - I'm fine, and you need to go back to bed," Gerard insisted, but Frank simply ignored him, wetting a nearby washcloth before pressing it against Gerard's cuts gently.

"I will in a minute, but you are coming with me okay, and you are going to stay with me...right?" Frank questioned warily, and when Gerard finally glanced up at Frank's eyes, the pain and fear he saw filling them hurt more than a physical blow, and Gerard knew he had to do something to make this up to his boyfriend, even if it was only a simple agreement to stay with Frank, because if that was what Frank wanted, Gerard wouldn't leave his side for the rest of the night.

"Okay...I promise."

Updating This Is Our Second Skin and this story right after is such a mind fuck, because one is all happy, and fluffy, and adorable, and the other is all depressing, and angsty, and pretty much the complete opposite haha.

I don't have anything to say - I mean really - do I ever anymore lol, except I'm tired, and I hate work, but I'm off tomorrow, so that's good.

((((loving vibes))))

<3 starr