authors note:
the point of view switches between tyler and josh constantly, without clearly stating first who/when. i think the story/writing itself makes it clear without being confusing ☺️

❤️

tyler saw him from afar, between all other faces, his heart immediately beating heavily, weighing at least a million pounds. he still had that ridiculously beautiful smile and tyler soon zoned out, staring.

it had been 3,5 years. it felt like forever and at the same time it felt like yesterday. 3,5 years in where they had only seen each other a handfull of times, in the first few months. after that their paths had fully separated, with josh moving to LA and tyler staying in home town columbus.

both had tried to never look back. never look back on the years they spent being absolutely inseparable. they were young when they got together. too young, many said. josh was just 18, tyler 17 when they met in the summer.

tyler broke up with his girlfriend only two days after he met josh for the first time. his head was flooded with images of the boy with the pierced ears and dyed hair. his brain had been unable to think of anything else for hours, days, and his girlfriend hadn't even crossed his mind once. he had no care to spend time with her, or on her. he rather spend time with his new friend.
the moment she texted him for something random he bluntly broke up with her, and he never regretted it for a second.

inseparable from day one. he didn't even fully realize he was actually in love with the boy for a long time, just thinking he found his best friend. and he did find his best friend, but so much more than that. he found his person. it took them almost a year for admitting there was more than friendship. josh had made the first move eventually. tyler didn't know if he ever would've if the 19 year old hadn't just bluntly kissed him.

they grew older together from then on, sharing their lives without a second thought. for years.

tyler sighed in relief when josh walked the other way, sure he wasn't spotted. yet. he asked himself why he was even here, knowing too well the chance that josh would be here too were high. maybe he had secretly hoped he would see him... but he also wasn't sure he was ready to really see him. talk to him.
he looked good, his hair was longer, untamed curls, almost in front of his eyes. tyler smiled softly when he realized the lenght of his own hair, and the bun on his head. he wondered what josh would think of it.

*

josh pretty much immediately turned the other way, apologetically smiling to the people next to him, when he saw this familiar face in the distance. he wasn't ready to be confronted with his ex-boyfriend just yet, it had been 3 years since he had seen him last. he wasn't ready yet, and so he walked back, hoping tyler hadn't seen him.
he then met other old friends, who he superficially talked to, finding out tyler had a daughter since a few months. people always started about tyler when josh was here, since the two had been one for so long. it was always them, and people still felt like it was them, while it hadn't been for years now.

it had been beautiful, them. tyler had been his everything. his whole world. he wasn't used to having friends in a way he became friends with tyler from the first moment. before, friends had always been to just.. drink or smoke with, hang around town. trying to get through the days. tyler didn't do any of those things and yet josh fell for him so hard. tyler talked. talked about himself, about life, about what he was thinking and feeling and for josh it was like the boy put to words what he had always held inside.

when he finally was sure enough there was more than friendship for the both of them, he kissed tyler and they moved in together pretty much right after. he remembered how he loved to wake up early, while tyler would rather stay in bed till at least noon. how tyler would read books on a rainy sunday while josh played videogames. how josh loved to cook and how tyler would pretty much only ever heat up precooked food. they were sweet and sour, day and night, but the one didn't fully exist without the other.

after being together for like 12 years they eventually broke up. for reasons he couldn't actually seem to find anymore. they had been tired. life had been tiring, it hadn't always been easy. tyler had stopped talking, but had never stopped thinking.
they got caught up in the struggles of daily life, bored with it, mistaking that for being bored with each other. looking back it was still hard to grasp how they were no longer they. it had always seemed meant to be.

josh sighed as he walked away from the group of people he was talking with, under the excuse of going for a drink. the small talk was annoying, he'd never been good at it. He decided to actually get a drink now anyway, and asked the bartender for his third whiskey that evening, knowing he should slow them down or even stop. but he liked how the anxiety he had was now just a softer shimmer.

eventually the evening continued on, and he could've just left, as he gazed the watch around his wrist. it was 1:10am, a decent time to leave a party. but yet he found himself stalling, unable to get himself to actually leave. maybe it was curiousity, maybe it was regret, maybe he tried to ignore whatever feelings were trying to break through, but he needed to see tyler.

he didn't have to look around for long, tyler was way closer then he had hoped for. he liked to observe from a distance, but by coincidence he practically bumped into his ex the moment he walked outside to get a bit of fresh air and quietness. he could see the same startled expression on tylers face, yet the mans beautiful features were the only thing actually reaching josh's brain. fuck.

"oh, hi" tyler spoke softly, the sound of his voice made the hairs on josh's arms stand up. in a good, but unwanted way. he had missed it.
"hey" josh answered softly. both just stood there, silently, eyes upon each other, minds racing. josh had no idea what tyler was thinking and vice versa, they both seemed lost. lost, like how they had not just lost their partners, but their best friend as well back then.

"so, how have you been?" tyler started, sounding obligatory. "LA, right?"
josh nodded, taking in tylers new appearance, a little bun in his hair. it was unexpected but ofcourse, he looked good.
"i'm good. LA is... different", he answered unable to hold a little smile for the awkwardness.
"i bet" tyler hummed, shoulder leaning against the wall, eyes swiftly turned away when josh's found them.
"i just heard you got married" tyler continued with a little unstable voice, while he had seemed to find the confidence now to look him in the eyes. josh's chest tightened by seeing them so clearly. god he wasn't ready for this, not after 3,5 years, there was too much still there.
"i did" he snapped himself out of it. "4 months ago", he added for whatever reason. stupid small talk.
tyler didn't answer, just looked at him with those damn eyes.
"congrats" tyler eventually spoke, collecting himself. "glad things worked out". he lied.
josh nodded.
"so.. a wife and a baby hm?"
tyler nodded, a hint of a smile formed on his lips by thinking of his daughter. "yeah."
"that's amazing. something you always wanted."
tyler nodded again, his eyes hadn't left josh's face yet, but not answering. for whatever reason the 'you always wanted' part was the first connection to their history, their past together and reality stung.

both leaned against the wall, next to each other but a few inches apart. both trying their best to not accidentally touch the other, scared for what it possibly would ignite.
the conversation dropped afterwards. it wasn't like they had nothing to say to each other, no, there was too much to say. so much. too much to say that they shouldn't say because it would make things complicated. life wasn't complicated when they were apart. or at least, they both pretended it wasn't.

in LA there was debby, their cat and dog, their house, their new friends. his life. josh's new life. and therefor columbus was complicated, everything reminding him of the past.
for tyler it was easier here now josh had moved away. at least he convinced himself so. he had his wife jenna and their newborn, and just a small circle of friends. friends who quickly learned not to mention "the ex" until eventually enough time had passed that it wasn't relevant anymore to talk about him at all.

but in all honesty, both knew, no matter how hard they pretended, they never fully let the other go. it wasn't ever easy.

they hadn't spoken for a few minutes, both caught in their own thoughts, standing there next to each other against the wall. when one looked at the other, the other looked away. avoiding eyes. eyes that told different stories then their words just had. yet neither of them wanted to leave.

tylers hands were still on the wall next to himself. he deliberately pressed them flat against the wall, but he wasn't sure for how much longer he could. he silently gazed at josh's face, seeing the man avoid him as much as he tried to himself.

he didn't know how long they were standing there silently, but it must've gone up to 10 minutes. it was unbearable.
as if he stepped outside his own body, tyler watched his own hand move a good inch or two before his hand ever so softly touched josh's. the latter didn't move, maybe he froze, maybe he chose not to move. still distancing himself from what he was doing, tylers thumb carressed the back of josh's hand.
josh still didn't answer his touches but he didn't pull his hand away. enough encouragement for tyler for that moment, enough of an 'okay'. he still felt comforted by josh's bigger hand. comforted by how much better his hand seemed to fit in josh's, compared to-...
he didn't want to finish his thought, knowing he had to stop it before he lost control.
still, his hand was against josh's, who was no longer frozen and their fingers seemed to brush together lightly.

and it was silent during the electricity it caused.

"i fucking miss you", tyler then nearly whispered suddenly, desperately trying to keep distance from the other and keep his voice from breaking.

"don't do this ty" josh answered, a whisper, an attempt to stay distant and strong. but he failed, his composure crumbled realizing he said 'ty' and not the other's full name. too close.
he softly bumped the back of his head against the wall repeatedly. but he still accepted tylers hand to connect with his even more.

"i know" tyler spoke barely audible. torn apart by everything battling in his mind and heart, knowing josh felt the same as the man softly carressed tylers fingers.

he wasn't ready to let go. he had never been ready to let go.

"i just" tyler spoke hesitantly just before he suddenly moved and pressed his lips to josh's. their hands were no longer connected, because swiftly tylers had found a place in josh's neck, pulling him closer closer closer.

josh tensed but couldn't get himself to pull back, as his hands unwillingly slid up to tylers face. fuck, fuck, fuck. it caught him off guard, but he kissed tyler back desperately. he hadn't expected tyler to kiss him even though they both played this dangerous game for the last 20 minutes.

tylers lips said I miss you, I'm sorry and please love me again all at once without words. his hands just emphasized it, and josh drowned in it.

eventually, one of them had to be first to pull back. and josh did, afraid to look tyler in the eyes but he still did so. his eyes told the same things his lips had just a second ago.

tyler swallowed thickly, he wasn't sure yet if this had been the worst or best decision he ever made. looking at josh didnt help him either, the same disparity in his eyes but distant body language. he already missed the feeling of his fingers.

"i'm sorry", tyler whispered. not exactly sure what he was sorry for. for what he just did? or for the fact he hadn't done that sooner, like.. 3 years ago.
"me too", josh answered in defeat.

"take care tyler", he added softly before taking his first steps back. "i- i better go".

"josh please", tyler begged softly, a crack in his voice but his words drifted away in the breeze, while josh turned slowly and walked away onto the street.

don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
he repeated to himself as he forced his feet to walk, while everything in him wanted to turn around and run back to the man he loved.
don't-