There are five things you need to know about being thrown off the roof of a four storey building. While some of you may scoff and say that this is an easily survivable distance to fall, people have died falling off of the roofs of one storey buildings. Hell, some people have died from falling off a six-foot ladder, so trust me: there are no guarantees. Basic fact is that it's largely a matter of luck in how you land, so good luck with that.

Step one: don't do it. Fight it all the way if you can. Get thrown down the stairs or throw someone else down the stairs, but whatever you do, do not let anyone throw you off the roof of a building. It doesn't matter how nice or reasonable they're being about it; you fight it as hard as you can. Crying is optional since it may remind them to be human, but it might just make them mock you mercilessly instead and tell you to man up. They're just throwing you off the roof of the building, after all, so don't be such a pussy, right? Don't listen to them. Trust me: be a pussy, embrace it. You want to fight those fuckers all the way to the edge.

Step two: try to find anything to grab onto on the way down that can slow your fall. Any handy branches, plants, window ledges, pipes, pretty much anything at all within reach can slow you down long enough so that you survive the actual fall. The one thing you want to avoid is being thrown off of a roof in a downtown area because there aren't going to be any branches around to grab onto. Plus the act of throwing will send you as far away from the side of the building as possible, and that's not going to end well, especially if they throw you face first. Still, it's better than being thrown backward.

Now some of you are thinking, hey, it's four stories, you can just do a flip or somersault and get into a better position and pull some ninja shit. Yeah, no. You have literally a little less than three point something seconds before you slam into the ground. The human body drops really fast, and you've only really just begun to react to being thrown off the damned roof by the time your very short trip is over and you're bleeding out on the ground, all broken-boned and shattered skull.

Wait... I'm supposed to be telling you how to survive the fall, so let's get back to that.

Step three: accept the fact that you're completely fucked and that this is not something you're going to be walking away from with anything less than a few broken bones. The key here is to relax, let your body go limp and to try to land on your feet, but make sure that your knees are bent just a little. Sounds almost impossible I know, especially after the whole "try to be relaxed" thing, but I got this advice from Wikipedia, and the guys there seemed to know what they were talking about. I mean they had a ton of citations and everything to back them up, so it's more than just some guy on the internet talking out of his ass. So yeah, relax and try to land on your feet.

Step four: land on your side if possible and try to protect your head from hitting the ground. Apparently, some people have managed not to hit their heads on immediate impact, but it was when they bounced or had the secondary impact that things got all fucked up and they shattered their skulls. Don't ask me how the Wikipedia guys know this shit. They just do, and they were very clear about not getting your head all fucked up.

Step five: be a vampire.

***

Three-point something seconds after I had been thrown off the roof of HTDK, I crashed into the windscreen of the limo that happened to be passing below at that exact moment. To say that this surprised the hell out of me was an understatement, but honestly, I think the limo driver and the passengers were a tiny bit more surprised than I was.

The car screeched to a halt, and there was some commotion, but at the time I didn't care. I was embedded ass-first into the windscreen of a limo and was aware that I had also caved in half of the roof of the car. I was also aware that in a few seconds my body would be screaming at me, but at that moment I felt truly alive.

I began to laugh then. It was either that or cry and laughing seemed appropriate to the moment.

"Hey I know you," a voice said, and I craned my head to look up.

The driver of the limo looked at me and then at the car in utter shock, his mind no doubt running through the different scenarios his insurance company was going to try to use to fuck him over. It wasn't him who had spoken to me, though. The King and a tall Japanese woman were standing next to him and both looked down at me.

"Oh hey King," I managed to gasp. "Fancy running into you here."

"You know you're traditionally supposed to leave the building by the front door, right?"

"That's what I told the Ugly Twins, but they were really insistent. And strong. Really fucking strong."

"The 'Ugly Twins'?" he asked, but I could see him starting to get it.

"Bouncers. Big, tall, ugly. The Ryans."

"The Ugly Twins actually suits them," he admitted, then he grinned evilly. "I'll make sure that name makes the rounds, though. It will drive them crazy."

From my vantage point, I saw the faces of the twins appear over the edge of the roof. I couldn't help myself as I flipped them off with the one hand that was free. The King followed my gaze and upon seeing the Ugly Twins, grinned and gleefully gave them the full force of both his middle fingers.

"I've never liked these guys either. I think you're the first person they've had to throw off the roof." The King grinned wickedly. "Man, having you around is going to be a blast!"

The twins retreated, and the King looked back to me, still grinning. I think that might have been the instant that he decided that we were going to be friends, but I've been known to be wrong, so don't quote me on that.

"So I seem to be a little stuck..." I pointed out as helpfully as I could while feeling completely helpless.

"Oh, you actually need some help? Damn dude, let me give you a hand."

I nodded and laid my head back for a second, aware of just how blue the early morning sky was looking.

"Just a little, but could you hurry? The sun's coming up."

******** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

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