The first thing I want you to be aware of is this: being a vampire sucks.

It is definitely not like they show you in the movies or any of the books written on the subject. In the movies, the vampire is always such an intriguing figure and he always has his act together. He lives by the rules of the movie world and as rules go, they are relatively straightforward. Avoid sunlight, dress in evening clothes, drink blood from the necks of nubile and attractive young ladies, be handsome and don't ever worry about picking up the check. So on that end, it's best to have lots of money and maybe a castle in someplace exotic and cold with significant thunder and lightning and preferably on top of a mountain somewhere. Also, don't look into mirrors and most of all, avoid any overly eager young men who happen to be carrying sharp pieces of wood with them.

I've broken every single one of those rules, even the last one.

***

When Sidney returned, I didn't ask any questions. I opened the bottle immediately and poured a shot for myself.

Sidney looked less sure of himself as he watched me drain the first glass, and then the second glass of tequila. He seemed a little uneasy after the bartender had actually given him the forbidden bottle with no questions asked. This was only after the bartender had looked over to my table and saw that the bottle was meant for me. If you want a genuine "what-the-fuck" moment, that one was definitely high on my list. Nobody gets to take a bottle from the bar: nobody. It looked like my run of good luck was still on!

If I was a nicer person and more of a pushover, I would have really felt sorry for poor Sidney. He had been expecting some kind of movie-type vampire and instead he had gotten me and my desperate need to have someone else buy my drinks. If he hadn't been such an asshole to me right off the bat, things might have gone a little differently. Here's a tip for you: if you're going to demand something from a stranger, at least introduce yourself and buy them a drink first before being an obnoxious dipshit. Protocol must be observed.

I poured Sidney a shot of tequila and slid it over to him.

"Why do you want to be a vampire Sidney?"

"Can you at least call me Armand? That's the name I've decided should be my vampire name."

I barely held in my laughter. "Fuck that. You're Sidney, so I'm fucking calling you Sidney. Now answer my fucking question. Please."

Sidney hesitated and I noticed he was only playing with his still full glass of tequila. He was purposely not drinking it, perhaps in an ill-fated attempt to get me drunk. He really should have thought harder about this plan, since as I noted earlier, I was already trying very hard to get as drunk as possible.

"I want to live forever, but I want the power and everything that goes with being a vampire. I want to be cool, just like you."

"Is this about a girl? This is about a girl, isn't it?"

It's always about a girl. At the root of all our problems, it's always about wanting to impress someone.

"What's her name?" I asked.

Sidney considered lying to me, I could see it in his face, but he was already smiling, picturing the girl in his mind. "Dorothy," he breathed her name and I knew he wasn't lying this time. He turned and looked across the bar and I looked with him. "She's over there."

The girl was gorgeous. She was slim with a nice build for her small frame, dark hair and eyes and her smile lit up her face as she joked with her friends. She looked like a nice girl, the type of girl Sidney probably was too shy to be honest with and, consequently had probably ended up in the dreaded place called the friend-zone. She looked way too nice to be my type, unless she was one of those girls who get wild in bed and kept it hidden under that wholesome exterior.

"She looks nice," I said. "Why do you think being a vampire is going to make her like you?"

"Girls like her always go for the bad boys like you. There isn't anyone who's a bigger badass than a vampire."

I almost laughed in Sidney's face. You gotta be fucking kidding me right? He actually thought I was a badass! I thought of all the stories I could tell him about me definitely not being a badass, vampire or not. I wondered for a second if he maybe expected my skin to glitter or some shit, but then decided that he was probably more of a fan of the romantic kind of vampires a la Anne Rice.

Signey was getting impatient.

"Look I bought you the drinks. Are you going to make me into a vampire or not?"

Well, that had escalated fast. And I thought we had just made a personal connection.

"Have we reached the part where you threaten me already?" I asked and poured myself another drink.

Apparently we had. Sidney reached into his man-purse and pulled out one of the biggest fucking crosses I have ever seen. He held it out in front of him triumphantly, apparently playing his trump card, bringing his knowledge of vampires from movies and books into the one thing that he knew would protect him.

Goddamn movies.

*******************************

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks for reading!  Please VOTE and leave a comment if you liked or even hated what you read.  Either way, I wanna hear about it.  Comment! VOTE! SHARE!

Read my other work where I tackle vampire myths 6 REASONS VAMPIRES OF LEGEND WOULD SUCK https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/50550661-6-reasons-why-vampires-of-legend-would-suck

QUESTION OF THE DAY: What's with the whole coffin thing anyway? Would YOU want to sleep in a coffin if you were a vampire?