Claude gave me a look as I slid into the booth. I just gave him a fake smile, and a thumbs up in response to his unasked question. Then and only then did I slump down into my seat and banged my head gently but firmly on the top of the table.

"You saw Jaime today?"

"I saw Jaime today," I confirmed. "Wait. How do you know that? Did she call you?"

"Yeah, she was a little pissed. A lot pissed actually."

"Why doesn't she love me anymore Claude?"

"Three possibilities, all of them being that you're a complete asshat," he said and took a big drink of his coffee. I glared at him.

"You're so not helping."

Claude was my best friend for over twenty years. We had met at school after I noticed him with a copy of Stephen King's Christine. Since I had only recently become a Stephen King fan and had started trying to collect every book he had written, I was more than happy to find a fellow aficionado and possible twisted mind. We had become fast friends with Stephen King as a shared interest and that had been that. Making friends as kids is a hell of a lot less complicated than making friends as adults. Less layers of complications when you're a kid. Claude had been through the shit with me and we'd always been each other's moral center and sanity control.

That being said, Claude had been the first person I had called when I had become a vampire.

To tell you the truth, Claude is the one who should have been the vampire.

He's the one people would automatically look at if you told them that one of us was a vampire, and no matter how much proof I gave them, they would still want to believe that it was Claude who was the vampire. I could rip their throats out with my teeth, and they would still be looking at Claude expectantly. Can't say I really blame them. I'd been always jealous of his cleft chin and chiseled good looks, although I'm good-looking in my own way. What Claude had was a more classic and rugged looking face, the kind of face that should be on magazine covers. These days he generally preferred to wear tailored suits that made him look more like a banker or broker than anything else, and even when he refused to wear a tie he still looked like the most respectable man in the room.

Considering that Claude was a crook, this was probably for the best.

A gentleman thief by definition, he did not entirely steal to get rich, nor did he steal from poor people or where someone might get hurt. He had very specific rules that he followed and very specific jobs that he hired himself out for. If Claude showed up with a new car, I always had to assume that it was stolen and the owner was not about to discover this fact for a very long time. I didn't even know if Claude actually owned the condo where he lived or if it belonged to somebody else like some banker in Hong Kong who used the condo once a year. Claude had access to certain circles you see, and he knew the right people, but even more importantly, he fit right in, and nobody ever questioned him. It was a big departure from the early days of sourcing cheap sunglasses or Walkman cassette players or whatever it was people wanted to get their hands on.

He had been there to drink with me and keep an eye on me after my cataclysmic meltdown when Jaime had dumped my stupid ass. He'd bailed me out of jail after that one disastrous night and was generally considered the "responsible one" when people thought about us. I was the sidekick, and I had no problems with that.

Claude raised his eyebrow at me now and flicked a toothpick at me.

"You were a dick to her—"

"I was a dick to Chad—"

He flicked another toothpick, and it caught me right between the eyes.

"She's dating a guy called Chad? Gross."

"I don't think it was any actual dating. They were buying condoms—"

"Doesn't matter what they were buying. Restraining orders are very specific." Claude thought for a second, then, "Seriously, his name was Chad?"

"I didn't know it was her. Besides, it's my supermarket." I was trying not to sound whiny and failing badly.

"You're right, and she apologized for that. She won't be filing any charges, but she's still pretty upset."

"I'm pretty upset. She's fucking a guy named Chad. Did I ruin her that much?"

Claude winced. "Sure sounds like it. Tell me he didn't look like a total dude-bro at least—"

I shook my head, and Claude grimaced, disappointed in Jaime's taste.

"Well, no wonder you were rude."

"Does this mean you're back on my side?"

"Dude, I'm always on your side. Why do you think I'm the one chewing you out?" Claude signaled the waitress. "So how's the vampiring going?"

"Vampiring is hard," I said and then thought it for a second. "You know, that would actually look awesome on a t-shirt..."

"You never got me those pamphlets you promised me. You were supposed to do some research, remember? Get a little better? Find yourself a mentor..."

"I got busy. Besides, I don't even remember half of the people I met. People don't like it when you don't remember their names or their faces, and I don't remember anybody. That's how out of it I was when I was there. Nobody really wants to talk to me anymore dude. I've been rejected by vampire society. They don't love me either."

"Your mom loves you—"

"She has to."

"I love you—"

"Ew dude, ew."

"And I'm sure Sammy has some feels deep within that rotten black pirate heart of hers."

"She tolerates me, so I guess that counts. But I want Jaime to love me."

Claude looked disappointed. "Dude, what is the one thing I always tell you?"

"Never run from the scene of a crime since the cops always chase after a running man?" I asked, but Claude shook his head "no."

"Don't buy any cars with electronic locks since they're easier to steal?"

No.

"Put down the toilet seat, I was not raised in a barn?"

Another "no".

The waitress came over, and I turned my head to look at her. "Coffee, and a pot of hot water, please. Waffles, scrambled eggs —no pepper— and my one true love please."

"Sorry sweetie, we're fresh out of true love," the waitress said. Her name tag proclaimed that she was named MOLLY, and I wondered if I'd ever met any Mollys before. "Can I get you some freshly squeezed orange juice instead?"

Claude waited until she was gone.

"So you gonna fill me in or what?"

"Whatcha wanna know?"

"How's the recruiting for the club going? Anybody new showed up yet?"

That reminds me: did I tell you I started a support group for rejected vampires?

######### AUTHOR'S NOTE: #############

The book is now AVAILABLE in Hardcover, Paperback and Ebooks. It's going to live here free on Wattpad, but if you love the story and want to support your awesome author (me), grab a copy from one of the lovely retailers below. Who knows: maybe it can become a bestseller with the help of you lovely WattPadders

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Check out the website: http://www.bobthevampire.com

QUESTION OF THE DAY: Do you think just anyone should be allowed to become a vampire?  Let me know in the comments below.