Rhydian

Over the years, I'd become used to letting myself into Darius's house, whether he was here or not. He'd always told me his door would never be locked to me, like they had when I was a kid, but he'd made that promise when he was single, when he'd been so focused on looking after everyone else that he'd never thought he'd have time for his own happiness.

All that had changed.

Now, Darius had Nola.

But sometimes I forgot.

Like now, as I stood in his kitchen doorway, having let myself in like I'd done so many times. Darius leaned against the breakfast bar, facing Nola, who had her hair pulled up all messy on top of her head, wearing sweatpants and one of Darius's T-shirts. She looked completely at home here.

Because it was her home now.

I had to remember that I couldn't come and go as I pleased any more.

Movement caught my eye, and I realised Lily was here too, helping herself to strawberries from the fridge like she owned the place. My mood darkened.

Bianca had done shit like that too.

I'd hated it from her and I hated it from Lily.

Darius and Nola both smiled when they saw me, and Darius beckoned me in. But my feet felt glued to the floor; I had to force myself to move.

Lily glanced at me, then looked away.

"I'm thinking velvet," she said. "There's great scope in velvet suits, and Nola would look gorgeous in something velvet and vintage."

She leaned across the bar, sticking out her ass in the frilly little dress she wore, and showed Nola something on her phone. Nola's eyes widened. "Oh, that's beautiful," she said.

Darius craned his neck to see, and nodded.

Lily didn't show me what they were looking at. Not that I gave a flying fuck.

"I'd like you and Nola in the same colour, or least shades of the same colour," Lily said.

I found my voice. "Like some cheesy his and hers shit?"

Lily gave me a withering look. "No, not like that."

"Sounds like it."

"That's because, by your own admission, you don't understand fashion." Lily's voice was sickly sweet.

"Forgive me for having more fucking important things to worry about."

"Rhyd," said Darius mildly. "Play nice."

"You too, Lily," said Nola.

Lily looked mulish, but she didn't argue.

And I'd promised Nola that I'd try not to be too hostile towards her.

I edged closer to them.

"If you insist on sticking to T-shirts, I reckon I could find you a great velvet one." Lily gave me a once-over.

I had no intention of wearing fucking velvet anything, but for once I kept my mouth shut.

Lily chattered away, Nola nodding along, though I wasn't sure how much Darius was really listening to. At one point he caught my eye and gave me a wry grin.

Then something Lily said caught my attention. "Who the fuck is Beefy?" I said.

"Captain Beefheart," Lily said with dignity. "He's my hamster."

I stared at her, unsure if she was joking. She didn't seem to be.

"You have a hamster?"

Lily frowned. "What's wrong with that?"

"Hamsters are the pets that parents get for little kids because they know the things will die before the kid loses interest."

"Speak for yourself." Lily sniffed.

I stiffened.

Of course my parents had never got me a fucking hamster. When had they ever done anything that even half decent parents were supposed to?

"Just seems like a stupid choice out of all the pets you could have," I muttered, irritation sharpening my words.

"I don't recall asking your opinion," Lily snapped.

"I don't recall needing your permission to give it."

Lily made a noise under her breath that almost sounded like a growl, then muttered something. The only word I caught was 'drop-kick'.

I smirked. She might have an attitude but she was one of the least intimidating people I'd ever met.

She held my gaze a moment more, her fluffy hair seeming to bristle with her anger, then she turned back to Nola and Darius. She leaned on the breakfast bar, one foot rubbing absently against her other ankle.

She was barefoot, I realised, and bizarrely it felt like she'd got the last word after all. Already she was so comfortable here, slotting neatly into Darius's life as if there'd always been space for her. No matter how much I snapped and snarled at her, Lily wasn't going anywhere.

I curled my hands into fists. For so much of my life, Darius had been my constant, the one person I could always rely on, the only bright spot in a fucking dark world, and suddenly I wasn't part of this little group and their fashion talk. I felt jagged and raw, and I wanted to snarl at them all because the safety of the world that I'd built was suddenly shaky, and things were changing, and I didn't know how to deal with that.

But I desperately didn't want Darius to know what I was feeling because he was happy. Happier than I'd ever known him, and he deserved this. He deserved to finally have his own life, and not be constantly watching out for other people. Watching out for me.

So I stood quietly in the kitchen and watched them happily bonding, building this new life, this new future, which I wasn't sure I was a part of.

Eventually Lily yawned and stretched. "I should probably go. It's getting late."

Id have been glad to see the back of her, except if she was leaving, I should too. Darius and Nola probably wanted some time alone.

Once again, I felt the ground shifting under my feet, my world trying to reshape itself.

I didn't resent Nola for coming into our lives.

But I was afraid of the impact she'd had.

Lily

I'd hoped that Rhydian would stay behind, but he decided to leave at the same time as me, because of course he did. Even when he wasn't trying, he managed to piss me off.

I strode towards Darius's gate as fast as I could, but Rhydian's longer legs easily kept pace. The silence was thick and prickly between us, and once the gate had slid shut and we were out on the street, I couldn't help myself.

"You didn't have to be like that," I said.

Rhydian shoved his hands in his pocket. "Like what?"

"All surly and grumpy, spoiling everyone's good mood."

Rhydian stared back at me. The streetlights gilded his messy blond hair and cast his features into harsher relief, making his blue eyes glint like chips of ice. His nose stud was a speck of silver.

"You need to understand that Darius and Nola have their own life now, and you can't get shitty with them because of that," I said.

After tonight, I was less convinced that Rhydian saw Nola as a friend, after all. He'd resented her when she'd first met Darius, and I was sure he still did. She'd encroached into his space, and he didn't like that.

Rhydian laughed, a sharp sound. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"What else am I supposed to think?"

His eyes darkened, his mouth flattening into a hard line. "You could try minding your own fucking business."

"This is my business. Nola is one of my best friends, and I work for Incarcerated now, so get used to me being around, because I'm not going anywhere," I snapped.

Anger sparked beneath my skin like electricity. Why did this man piss me off so much?

Rhydian snorted. "You've got a real high opinion of yourself, don't you? I don't care what you do."

"Yes, you do." My heart was thudding with fury. "You hate that I'm around, and you hate that Nola's around too." Venom seeped into my voice. "I think you're jealous."

"Of fucking what?" he said.

"That Darius has found something that you'll never have. You can't fucking stand it, can you?" I shouted.

I expected him to come back with another insult.

Instead, Rhydian recoiled like I'd hit him, something raw and painful flashing through his eyes.

I had the strangest feeling that I'd gone too far, that I'd crossed a line I hadn't even known was there. That should have been a cause for gloating, maybe even some celebratory cake, but instead I felt weirdly hollow, like I'd just stepped on a puppy or some shit.

Which made no sense, because Rhydian was as far from a puppy as anyone could ever hope to be. A rabid, feral dog, maybe, but never a puppy.

I cleared my throat, trying to get my confusing feelings under control. "Sorry. That was a shitty thing to say."

Rhydian blinked a few times. "You're right," he said, his voice as raw as his expression. "Who the fuck would want a life with me?"

I stared at him.

He was supposed to continue being angry with me. He was supposed to sneer and snipe and grumble the way I'd grown used to. He wasn't supposed to be looking at me like I'd just cracked him right open.

He wasn't supposed to be a puppy!

"Rhydian –" I started.

He turned away and stalked towards his gate, where he stabbed at the keypad with one finger. The gate opened, and Rhydian walked through it without looking back.

I sighed and shoved a trembling hand through my hair.

What the hell had just happened?

I'd always thought that Rhydian had no emotions other than anger, but he'd seemed genuinely hurt by what I'd just said. I remembered what Nola had said, about him being lonely, about there being more to him.

Maybe she was right, and there were other sides to Rhydian Byrne than the grumpy bastard he'd always shown me.

Sighing again, I fished my car keys from my pocket and headed down the street, trying to put him out of my mind.

None of this was my problem.

But maybe it wouldn't kill me to be a little nicer the next time I saw him.

Rhydian

I couldn't fucking sleep.

Lily's words kept going round and round in my head, keeping me awake, no matter how many times I tossed and turned or punched my stupid fucking pillow.

I was pissed at her for finding a chink in my armour, and pissed at myself for letting her see it.

I rolled over again, the covers tangling with my legs.

I didn't even know why it bothered me so much. I'd always known that the white picket fence life wasn't for me. Darius was settling down with Nola, and eventually they'd get married, make a bunch of babies, and grow old and fat together. Lily was right – I'd never have any of that.

It's not like I even fucking wanted it.

Finally I gave up on sleep, and shoved away the covers. I felt jittery and on edge, and I needed to do something with all this angry energy. Usually I could soothe the dark and ugly parts of myself with music, but tonight I didn't even need to touch one of my guitars to know it wouldn't work.

I needed to hit something.

Lily's words sliced into me again.

This was why I couldn't have what Darius had – because there was something twisted and broken and completely fucked up inside me.

I started for the door, then pulled myself up short.

I always boxed at Darius's, and in the past he wouldn't have cared if I'd let myself in to do stupid shit at crazy o'clock in the morning, but once again I'd forgotten that things were different now.

It wasn't just his space anymore. It was Nola's too, and I had no idea how she'd feel about me treating Darius's house like it was mine. She'd called me out on it before, though I thought we'd reached an understanding now.

Still, that didn't mean she wanted me coming and going whenever I felt like it.

"Fuck," I whispered.

I snatched up my phone, and ordered the first punching bag I found online. I should have done that the day I moved in, instead of always relying on Darius.

That didn't help me now, though.

The weights bench was still outside – that would have to do.

Wearing only my boxers, I stalked into the garden. The grass was damp and dewy against my feet.

The weights bench gleamed black under the moon, the barbell beckoning me forward. I didn't warm up, though I'd probably pay for it in the morning; I just slid onto the bench, gripped the bar with both hands and started to lift.

It didn't fucking matter what Lily thought.

I couldn't stand the woman and her opinion was worthless.

So why did her words still feel like shards of glass under my skin?