"I don't know these pants," I noted, more for the sake of saying something to make my situation more real. I feebly patted the pockets of the very lovely suit that Beatrice had provided for me. I knew there was nothing in the pockets, but I checked anyway. I very firmly remembered my cellphone clunking to the floor when Beatrice had peeled my pants off me, the pants which had not been these pants. But there was still that desperate need to check anyway, just in case.

I made eye contact with the taxi driver again and waved in the affirmative that yes, I did need a cab. A few seconds later, I slid into the back of the car, and as the driver turned to me, I looked him deep in the eye and glammered him.

There was that whisper of contact with his mind—

"I need to borrow your phone," I said. Sayid. His name was Sayid, and he was regretting moving to this new city in the middle of winter and what had he been thinking—

I shook his thoughts out of my brain and tried to focus as Sayid smiled warmly and gave his phone to me.

"Here you go," Sayid said. "Passcode is five-one-one-two-six-four. Where are we going?"

"The Porn Emporium on Bloor." I typed in the passcode and then paused, stupidly staring at the phone, aware that Sayid was already pulling out into traffic.

"What's the matter?" Sayid asked, concerned. "Didn't it work?"

"I don't know my friend's number," I said. "He changes numbers a lot and usually calls me." I realized something else about Claude and, for the first time, felt completely helpless. "Shit. He doesn't even use email."

"Maybe somebody else knows how to contact him?" Sayid suggested helpfully. He smiled as his thoughts shifted to a friendly young woman who worked dispatch at the cab company. "A friend from work?"

I shook Sayid's romantic thoughts out of my head. Focus!

"You're right, Sayid, my new best friend," I said, "Sammy might actually know..."

I pulled up the map and typed in the address to the pornshop. The telephone number was there on the map as well as closing hours. I dialled and listened to the phone ring.

"Porn Emporium, how can I maximize your pleasure?" Sammy breathed into the phone with her best phone-sex voice.

"Sammy, it's me, Bob," I said quickly. "I'm in a bit of trouble."

There was a moment as Sammy took a breath, then—

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bob isn't here right now. He's on vacation for the next week."

Stop the clock, adjust your perception, realize that everything has turned to shit, but keep breathing, keep calm and carry on, whatever you do, do not lose your shit.

"Someone is there with you, isn't there?' I asked.

"Yes, that's right. Usually around five."

Five of them. Damn, Sammy was good at communicating in code. I glanced out the window, trying to see where we were, then gave up on that.

"Sayid my man, I'm going to need you to floor it—"

Sayid didn't hesitate. I rocked back in my seat as he accelerated, speeding effortlessly through the heavy and suddenly cacophonous traffic. I tried to focus my attention on the phone.

"Sammy, is there Wednesday Addams looking chick there? Kinda sexy in an I'm-going-to-kill-you-if-your-name-is-Bob kind of way?"

"Wait, you know these morons?" she whispered and then spoke louder as if talking to the store. "I'm short of staff right now, so I'll be closing the store soon."

"Yeah, I think so. They're kinda-sorta-definitely trying to kill me."

Sayid screeched to a halt in front of the store, and I exited quickly. 'You mind sticking around?" I asked him. "We might need to make a quick getaway."

"Anything you want, man. I'll keep the engine running."

I eyed the new front doors and then looked around to make sure that Lillian and Daemien weren't somehow sneaking up on me.

I strode through the front doors, looking a lot more confident than I felt.

The five vampires were closing in on Sammy, one of them with a smarmy rapey look on his face.

"Somebody looking for me?"

As a man, all five of the vampires turned to look at me.

"Now, you guys are probably wondering what weapons I have—"

They weren't.

"GET HIM!" the tall blonde one roared, and they charged at me.

I took off down the right aisle and grabbed the giant 24" Tower-of-Pleasure from its display in the corner as I turned. I purposely dick-slapped the closest vampire as hard as I could. It turned out to be pretty damn hard considering the weight of that thing. He folded as if I had hit his off-switch. Score one for the giant dick.

"You didn't have to do this!" Sammy yelled from the back of the store. "Beatrice is on her way!"

"WHAT?" I yelled as I blocked a slashing knife with my giant black dildo. I somehow managed to kick out and caught the knife-wielder right in the nuts with the toe of my shoe.

"You called Beatrice?" I yelled at Sammy as I ran towards the back of the store, four vampires charging after me, one of them limping more than charging. Visions of psycho Beatrice stabbed her way through my imagination. I was going to have PSTD about Beatrice and her knives for a long time. Goddamn, those fucking knives.

"Of course I called Beatrice," Sammy yelled back at me. "She kicks ass!"

"But I'm here to rescue you!"

I ducked as a barrage of dildos bounced off my skull. The Montreal gang had discovered the ability to throw shit, and they weren't holding back. Obviously, Sammy wasn't impressed as I tried to shield myself from the dildo-storm.

"Yeah... how's that rescue thing that working out for you?"

"I totally got this!"

The rain of dildoes and merchandise stopped, and the vampires closed in on me, pushing me back into the corner despite my wildly swinging blows. I did manage to get in a few good ones, clocking Blondie right across the face in a moment that I wished had been captured on camera. Still, the rest of them somehow wrestled the giant dildo away from me, and all at once, the dickslap party was over.

There was the very dramatic and familiar ka-chunk of Sammy racking the slide on a shotgun. It was the gun Sammy kept under the counter for emergencies, the same one she had just pulled out and was aiming at them. My assailants froze and turned to look at the shotgun-wielding Sammy. The guy I had kicked in the nuts got one last punch in before letting go.

"LET HIM GO, YOU PALE MOTHERFUCKERS!" Sammy yelled.

Blondie stepped forward, and I knew he intended to glammer the hell of out of Sammy. To be honest, I wondered why they hadn't done it already since glammering seemed to be the default move for these guys.

"Look into my eyes—"

BOOM! Sammy fired a shot into the ceiling and Blondie cringed with a shriek.

"The next one of you motherfuckers tries to glammer me, gets his head BLOWN OFF!"

The pale motherfuckers looked at each other uncertainly, and Blondie shook his head. No way he was trying that again. I took the moment of not being punched or kicked to sidle past them over to Sammy's side. I backed-up over the last fifteen feet over the counter, making sure none of them was going to try anything.

"There's five of us—" Blondie finally countered.

"And there's plenty enough to go around! Who's first?"

Nobody seemed to want to take Sammy up on the offer. I eyed the front door, trying to calculate how easily we could make it out while keeping the shotgun on these bastards. If they rushed us, Sammy might be able to take out at least two of them. I would have to tangle with the other three while Sammy got some more distance and then hopefully didn't end up shooting me in the face. And that was if we didn't have any surprises on the way out. All we had to do was to get out of there before Beatrice arrived—

A shadow fell across the door, and an instant later, it opened.

"Oh, fuck me," I breathed.

Beatrice had arrived.

*** *********
thanks to BrittanieCharmintine for guiding me out of the muck that was my own head and turned 1 chapter into 3... you're brilliant! ***