Okay. Enough. What was I doing? What was I thinking? I wasn't... that's what it was. I did not hunt her down for... that. I was just messing around with the guys. Even when I saw it was July who Billie asked me to chase after, I still didn't consider past the fun of it. If anything, I had a flash of hope when I began running after her that this could get us back to the innocent, playful banter we always had on debate team. Anything but silence. Ignoring her was killing me. Clearly.

I'm not sure what happened when I grabbed her like that. Maybe it was how close we were standing. Her face inches from mine. Maybe it was the way I restrained her. It truly was originally meant for sport. But then I felt her soft, determined hand twisting in mine, while I raised her other arm above her head, holding her captive by her wrist. How barbaric of me... that must be what did it. That or her scent. God, did I literally drink her in.

Maybe it was when she went still, and I physically felt when she realized it was me. I didn't even really know her, not that way, but somehow it felt like I knew everything about her. Somehow standing above her, watching her catch her breath while I inhaled the scent of her hair, I was reminded of what I had been missing ever since that night in the rain.

Okay, so I knew some part of me had it bad for her, especially since said kiss, but that was just hormone stuff, right? Again, I kept going back to the fact that she wasn't really my type. It's not like I picked her out intentionally. And even so... I wasn't supposed to lose my mind over her. The fact remained I was having a very hard time being around her without being with her... And in ways I'd be embarrassed to admit to myself even.

She must have thought I was insane! Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't I say anything? That's just it. There were no words to describe it. It was just me proving my insanity. However, she wasn't completely immune to it. Every part of her body felt warm and inviting, even when she froze on me, she never completely went stiff or closed herself off. I saw goosebumps rise over her at my touch and I couldn't ignore her heart beating wildly on my chest. It did something to me I can't explain.

Her breath grew unsteady when she worried I might kiss her, and she most likely would have turned away to be respectful, but she didn't have to. It was if she trusted I would only go so far. That's what made it so intense. She was daring me to cross a line by knowing I wouldn't, and it made me crazy for her.

Whatever was happening in that moment, I couldn't stand to be without it, and I couldn't pull away. Not when people entered the auditorium threatening to expose us. Not even when they called Natalie's name revealing she was one of the people on the stage below us.

Shit. Natalie.

No matter what this had to stop now. I really liked Natalie, but "liked" as in was fond of and attracted enough to, was where it ended. I know I hurt July, and I had no right to think past that. But, I had an obligation to end things with Natalie that had nothing to do with July, and I wanted to make this move right.

I wasn't going to talk to Reagan or Lynn about it. I didn't want to announce it to the school or the Devins of the world. It wasn't that I didn't want to give July the satisfaction of knowing she was the reason... Trust me, after the auditorium, she knew. However, this wasn't a cheap shot to get her back, or get her I should say. This was a mess I made, and I needed to make it right for Natalie with a respectful break up that was free of rumors. I would do the kind thing and wait until after Christmas. I didn't mind buying her a gift. She deserved one.

Then, I needed to make it right with July. Somehow. But that shit in the auditorium... That could not happen again. I don't know how she had that effect on me, but we were about to be working together in debate. This was messed up from the beginning. First the office, then all the mayhem that followed. Surely, we had both learned our lesson by now. I knew I needed to make better decisions. I just had to accept that I couldn't be alone with her and that would solve a multitude of problems.

I called Natalie one January night a few days after New Years before school returned. I asked her if she could meet me for coffee at "Good Jives" in Prairie. I knew when I asked her to meet instead of offering to pick her up per our norm, she would sense something was up. It was around 6pm on a random Tuesday night. The place was usually popular with college kids cramming and high school kids wanting to pretend they were in college. It wasn't my scene. Still, they had great virgin granitas and the atmosphere seemed right for something like this.

It went as well as it could have. In the end, she said she expected it. Which was kind of sad as much as it was a good thing, because it meant she also noticed there was no chemistry where there should have been. I hoped I was clear with her that I had enjoyed our time together and I was available for anything she needed. I think she got that I was still her friend and had no interest in making a big thing of this.

The first day back it was already common knowledge. What did I expect, it was Pure Pines. Girl gets broken up with, and in a classic move, dresses up all that week to look confident and unfazed. Her friends flock to her and she eventually must explain whether she needs consoling or not. Of course, it was going to spread like wildfire.

I knew Lynn and Reagan would be upset I didn't mention it to them beforehand, especially with things finally back to normal. The breakup with Natalie had so many July implications surrounding it... I just thought it best for all parties not to mention it to them. They'd have to get over it.

July seemed to get it. Just like so many unspoken things between us. I could tell she was sensitive to Natalie's feelings, and somehow intuitive that I had not done this to immediately go after her. Part of me thought that was super sexy of her in an emotional or intellectual way. The other part of me wondered, what the Hell... Shouldn't she be rushing into my arms? She didn't say anything to me about the auditorium moment or the breakup with Natalie.

I hadn't really seen her much those few weeks after we returned from Christmas break, other than passing in the halls. The four of us had just started to all come back together for chats by the locker like we used to. July wouldn't address me directly too much, but she did make an effort not to treat me like a complete asshole.

Late nights between reruns of Cheers followed by Night Court (the original), took more of a toll than seeing her and avoiding her at school. Since the auditorium I hadn't been able to unwind after work or study with the TV on in the background like I usually did. Instead, my mind slipped off to her face, her deep brown eyes. It was like a succession of glances down the hallway, all the seconds I waited for her not to look away too fast so her eyes would meet mine, mixed with the auditorium and how she looked up at me part shocked and angry... part as entranced as I was.

I never knew what was more maddening, the fact that I didn't know what she was thinking or what she wanted (and quite frankly I didn't have the guts to ask,) the fact that I didn't feel this crazy unshakable desire with anybody else, or the fact that it hadn't gone away. It seemed progressive. I'd consider that she may not have these feelings at all for me, or anything past the physical attraction we both seemed captivated by.

Then I'd remember what she did for me with coach Bartlett, and how she put herself in jeopardy for me because she knew I needed it. I'd tell myself that's just who she was as a person, and she would stick her neck out for anybody, but that was so specific to me and for me... I don't know. It was personal. It felt personal that she did that, and it meant a lot to me. Maybe she did have feelings for me, but I ruined my chance appearing to choose Natalie instead. That would be reasonable on her part. Would she ever forgive me?

I would mull all things over multiple times, and then lay there and wonder like a coward why she never called, or came by, or pursued a conversation even. Then I would try and feel relieved, just like I had to the time before.