"Look, I'm not going to lie and tell you it's okay and you can wait and tell us when you're ready, OR, it didn't hurt our feelings that—" Reagan was really on a tear with her speech until Lynn interrupted to chime in and take her crack at me.

"Or never ever tell us which was apparently what you were going to do while we watched it blow up in your face, literally."

Wow. I didn't know Lynn could be that harsh.

"Okay, that was a little harsh." Apparently, Reagan felt the same way. I was grateful she jumped back in. I think I preferred her version of schooling me over Lynn's at that moment. "I am sorry about your chin. Let me see it. How is it healing?" I rolled my eyes away from Reagan's attempt at mothering.

"It's been weeks. You can barely see it anymore."

"We're just hurt, can't you understand that? You didn't come to us and that's really messed up." Lynn was starting to sound more reasonable and like herself.

"I still don't know what went on between you and Adrian, if anything, and I'm afraid that hinders us in getting to the bottom of this Devin thing. Trust me, July. You know I speak from experience when it comes to her." 

It got quiet for a moment as we each mulled over the reality of a prior situation. Reagan luckily had a bit more clout with the administration than Devin did in town. That was a big anomaly within itself, but one brought on by Devin's bossy attitude she had exercised far too many times with authority figures. Let's just say the time Devin and Reagan went head-to-head the pendulum swung Reagan's way in the end, whereas I would not have near enough clout to achieve the same results.

"It's my fault." Lynn broke the silence. "The night before she tripped you Adrian asked me about Natalie. I told him she had a crush on him, not that he'd do anything about it. I basically challenged or shamed him into pursuing her. July, I said that to Adrian having no idea what was going on between you two and the truth is, I still don't! But, you know I saw him grab you in the office. You know I noticed and practically begged you both to enlighten me without coming right out and asking you. Now I have to ask myself why I would push him on her to unwittingly fulfill Devin's fucked up plan."

I could tell this really upset Lynn, and compassion as well as fear that she had anything to do with Adrian going after Natalie seemed to outweigh her being angry with me for not being forthcoming. 

"July, I  was so tired that night from the band trip and I truly just answered his question. I guess I subconsciously thought... if you never said there was something going on, then there wasn't, and he was fair game."

"It's not your fault, AT ALL. He asked you about Natalie. He did that on his own and that is obviously who he wants to be with. Plus there is nothing going on between us, so you were right to answer him honestly. As for Devin, I just want it to blow over. Let's just start this part of our junior year over and forget this nonissue." They looked at each other as if to consider my proposal, and then back at me even more contemplative.

"And stop ignoring your other best friend!" Yup. I was referring to Adrian. "It's mean and hateful. Just because I have personal beef with him doesn't mean he deserves that from you guys.  Please fix it with him or I will feel worse about the whole thing. This is most likely all a Devin ordeal escalated way out of proportion. No one that she didn't intend to target deserves that." I was her target, not Adrian, and not Natalie."

That was the last conversation I had with Reagan and Lynn over Adrian. After that, they rallied and picked up where they left off with the both of us from what I could tell. They eliminated the whole, "What's going on with you and July?" fascination. And I'm sure Adrian piped down on the, "Is July okay... have you seen her today?" Everything seemed to go back to normal except for Adrian and I, and whatever our normal was.

********************

A sophomore with almost a foot of height on me and a better metabolism. How insulting. It had been almost a month and a half of them dating and I still had to remind myself that I liked the girl and it wasn't her fault. I knew her from school and cheer tryouts of course but I'd also seen her a few times at my grandparents' church. Her parents, like mine, were divorced. When she stayed with her dad, a few weeks out of the school year, she came to church with him. We never spoke really, just gave each other that nod of recognition.

There was something sincere about her that I'm sure Adrian was attracted to, but it also must have made him crazy in that he would most likely feel guilty for pushing anything too physical she wasn't ready for. I knew this from years of watching her hold the hymnal for the elderly member in the pew next to her so they could see it better, meanwhile she had all the verses memorized.

Sometimes you can just tell things about people. She was a walking secret that exposed everything about herself. She was nothing like the little bitches in her class and the class below her. We called those girls the "freshman cult." They were just a few years younger than us but they felt like an entire other generation. They are the ones that decided they were too cool for school. Sports, cheerleading and academia were just too lame to be bothered with. 

They showed up on campus to basically fuck the elite senior guys, pissing off the in-crowd's junior and senior girls, just for entertainment. They were way more rebellious than any Pure Pine's class surrounding ours had ever been and the funny thing was... It was a rebellion of Pure Pine's own making. They weren't heroes for the under dogs or crusaders against pretention. 

They were ruthless in that they thought their shit didn't stink and that they were so fucking special as individuals. The most special Pure Pines had ever bred. I knew once I left that place I wouldn't want to look back but I had to admit a kaleidoscope from a far of their senior year, and what they would put the faculty and town through, would be top notch entertainment.

This genuinely kind, conservative sophomore snatched up by the elite on her climb for social hierarchy was no match for the Freshman cult coming in behind her, no matter how much she wanted to be. It would have been easier for me if she was one of those little demented bitches. Then I could have hated her for sport. But she was sweet and the kind of person you wanted to help or root for.

It also made me feel sorry for Adrian in a way. As if the pecking order deemed she was the one, as opposed to any of the other elites from the in-crowd. Come on, if you weren't going to match him with me, match him with someone I could at least be jealous of. I'm certain that's what Devin thought she was doing. A sophomore that made varsity cheerleader above me. An innocent, trustworthy friend type instead of foe.

Someone you wish the best for instead of trying to ruin their happiness was sure to help the hurt last longer. A pale blue-eyed strawberry blonde with thin limbs and an angelic walk for her height. She certainly was opposite of me in that regard and harmless. Natalie was really a harmless creature. I didn't quite get that part. It felt as if it served my cause more that she wasn't a force to be reckoned with. Wonder why Devin went the safe route? My only guess was Natalie was easier to control.

As for the Adrian of it all... There were two life statements I hated: "Lesson learned" and "Time heals all wounds." However, in my case with him, I hoped they applied and were in full effect. I just wanted it to be dead and buried. He already haunted my thoughts and as much as I hated to admit it, large chunks of my heart. I couldn't have him haunting me at school. That was apparently Devin's job as well as whatever had happened to Robyn at the hands of Spencer Pearce.

Debate would be starting soon, and I knew I would have to be cordial for any chance I had of a successful season. Reagan was my partner and my swimming buddy Lane, Adrian's. It was too intimate of a group with too high of stakes in terms of either team advancing for there to be any malice between us. If he could pretend nothing ever happened so could I. I just hoped his plan was to show me that mercy.

I'm ashamed to admit that my concern over Robyn is what kept me strong in distancing myself from the Adrian grief and drama. It helped me keep my head down and out of Devin's way. I became obsessed with finding the right moment to talk to her and tell her what I saw at the party... ask her if it helped or if there was anything I could do to help her tell somebody.

Sadly, my chance meeting with her in the girl's bathroom did not go as well as planned. She seemed upset that I was one more person who knew about it. She asked me which list I wanted to help her make. The list of the additional people that were in and out of that room all night' or the list of the people that knew about it and didn't care. I knew she was hurting. My God, how could she not be. But I couldn't pretend to know what she was up against.

Bad stuff isn't supposed to happen in small towns, at least that's what people will tell you. They say, "Oh that would never happen around here." No, I guess it wouldn't. It would be much worse. The first time we all realized we weren't infallible at Pure Pines was when an upper classman coach's daughter was implicated in a serious scandal. It involved a crime, a courtroom and another girl. It was Adeline Morgan and the only crime she committed was being herself. We didn't know what it was or meant to be a lesbian back then at Pure Pines.

We were all so painfully ignorant about things they didn't want us to understand. It was the one opportunity that someone from the in-crowd could have made it okay to be who they were, even if that was different than what Pure Pines had dictated. Instead, they outed her, turned it into a scandal beyond her control and then made it disappear. I remember the day Adeline's mother, Coach Morgan, left class to appear in court.

It was so strange... Everyone knew what she was dressed up for and where she was going, yet no one said a word. They just watched it at home on the local news, then came back to school and pretended with the rest of the horses in the corral. I guess they thought Adeline couldn't be a lesbian if the word didn't exist.

The fact that I don't know who or where Adeline Morgan is today in her life, makes me think it caused her to disappear as well. That is what Robyn Maes was up against.

For everything I didn't know, I knew enough that it kept me up at night worrying about her. And I knew that I hated Spencer Pearce and if I ever saw him again...

I often replayed the moment I tried to hug her and tell her that I was there if she needed to talk. I thought of it in my head or during class when my mind wondered. How she just looked at me, her eyes burning in anger, and said, "Sure thing," dryly as she escaped the bathroom and my judgement. I must have seemed so patronizing to her after what she'd been through, and me especially, after the way I treated her that day a year or two before. I hated Pure Pines.

Yet, there I was on "Spirit Day" with all that hate, officially posting the academic awards for mid semester. Thanksgiving had come and gone, and we were all in the thick of our final exams for block scheduling. We would start a new course load for Spring semester. I was standing on a small step stool on the tiled outer wall of our auditorium negotiating sticky tack and trying not to wrinkle anyone's certificate or knock down the office administration's poorly hung Christmas garland. A few other junior and senior cheerleaders, band members and annual staff who had been solicited were bringing more stacks of cards as the student council printed them.

Every year during Spirit week there was some form of mischief in almost anything we did. It was all in good fun and encouraged by the faculty due to them cracking the whip so hard on exams. It was mostly innocent pranks. For example, a bunch of the guys approaching me and tossing the alphabetically stacked certificates into chaos or just taking off with the entire stack below my step stool we'd ultimately have to find somewhere. I should have expected as much when I heard the double doors open and a slew of sneakers squeaking and shuffling quickly towards us.

"Get em' Hot of the press ladies and gentlemen!"

"Ahh!!!! Don't you dare!" Russel picked up Sarah Weems and dragged her off the stool controlling her hand like a rag doll and making her toss the pile of certificates in her hand all over the auditorium lobby. She was laughing so hard she gave up and started throwing them herself. Everyone else picked up boxes and ran as fast as they could not to get them confiscated.

"Ju-ly... you're awfully high on that stool." Before I could jump and run, Billie grabbed me off the stool. He let me down to try and grab my certificates but I fought good and hard and began running in the opposite direction toward the auditorium. Reagan turned the corner to join us with a fresh box of certificates.

"Uh oh! Reagan, your up!" Billie and a slew of others who had just come through the double doors started running towards her. "Hey, Get July... she went that way, and she still has her stack!" Billie was shouting to someone running behind him as he ripped Reagan's box from her. The auditorium door had just slammed behind me. Shit. I knew whomever it was had time to see the door swing and would follow. It was dark though, abnormally pitch black for a day in which we would be having an assembly later. I decided to halt and squeeze against the back wall on the chance they would run past me and further into the auditorium, not seeing me in the dark. Then I would just run right back out.

No sooner did the door swing open casting a small amount of light I did not anticipate, allowing them to see my shoes. In a mere second, I was being held against the wall. One wrist above my head and the other held at my waste in pursuit of the certificate stack it clung to.

I froze and my hand holding the certificates stopped trying to twist out of the grip that sustained it. I could smell him. The face of a silver watch, I must have memorized, glowed by my waist as it was worn by the wrist that sustained my other hand. The butterflies in my stomach did not miss a beat, nor did my broken heart as it began thudding in my chest in almost echo-like beats alarming my entire body of who was standing so close to me. It was Adrian.

My shocked, wide eyes met his steely blues, they were all I could really see other than the face of his watch in the darkness. Something changed immediately on his face from the glint I had initially caught of him casually going after the certificates for the fun of the prank.

His blue eyes darkened as he looked down from above me. His studious brow furrowed as if he didn't expect to be thinking so hard. His eyes shifted to my chest that was rising and falling to my thudding heartbeat. Then his breathing changed, and he stepped closer to me. His body pressing mine against the cold, hard wall. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face in contrast.

I moved as best I could to shove the certificates toward him without saying a word. I was just giving up and the plan was he could have them rather than think he could have any kind of anything with me.

He didn't respond to the certificates I pushed toward him. He was so strong. His forearms holding mine in place. He had no problem keeping me there. It didn't help that my body responded so easily to his touch, like a god damned magnet. After the long moment I felt sure he'd let me go. Instead, he brought his eyes back to mine and his face closer and he burned a stare into me. Voices started to approach the auditorium stage down below us, along with a few footsteps walking out toward the main podium.

"No house lights yet, keep them dark, just bring the bottom foot lights and main spotlight on us." Mrs. Bishop called up to the booth. This was obviously rehearsal for the assembly later. Adrian moved me in one motion to the other side of the swinging door we came through. It was separated from the house seats by a partition. We saw from the sides when they brought their stage lights up but it remained dark where we stood. We would have only been caught standing there by the swinging door had someone else entered the auditorium from where we did.

He dropped his nose above my face and smelled the top of my hair, burying his face in it. Then he traced down my face with his and looked down at how rapid my breaths had become. He closed his eyes and pressed his cheek next to mine. I raised my free hand to the back of his warm neck to try and form the strength to pull him away from me.

"Okay, you four, step up after the initial applause, and Natalie, let's have you and Alexa stand on this side. Good" Mrs. Bishop's voice rang into our ears like an anthem of everything that sucked about life, this school and our current situation. Of course, we both heard Natalie's name. I felt Adrian's jaw tense on my cheek. Then he brought his head down on the top of my shoulder as if in despair.

I pulled his head up and started pulling it away from me to peel out from under him in what I assumed would be an easy, if not welcomed jester under the circumstances. He pushed himself back on me, pinning my right arm back above my head the way he originally had it...like he had put it there because he wanted it there. He traced my neck with his lips shaking his head as if reminding himself to be careful and not go too far. He brought his lips to the other side of my face that had not experienced his cheek pressed to it and he slowly, softly traced that cheek with his lips until they trailed down to mine.

I couldn't move. I couldn't move away from him, but it wasn't because he had me physically trapped. However, I wouldn't move to participate or potentially do more than intended in the renegade moment that by anyone's standards was cheating. I knew he wasn't going to kiss me. As much as I hated him, as bad and wrong as this was, Adrian did have standards and did not wish to hurt anyone, other than me apparently.

I dipped my head down a bit to cut him off and remove myself from his lips resting against mine. He nudged my face back up with his in what oddly was so intimate and erotic with all that word could encompass. My stomach turned a deep flip that made me weak in the knees. I took a slow breath in to try and contain myself. He brought his lips back to tracing mine but this time traced them one at a time pulling my bottom lip apart from my top. Then he slid both of his lips between my parted lips slowly in a confident manner that still honored refraining from an actual kiss. Goose bumps rose across my entire body.

I was trembling all over. Thank God we heard familiar voices much closer to us as someone still holding certificates was being chased back down the hallway to the auditorium lobby by the guys. Adrian moved to press his forehead to mine. He looked at me as if he just wanted to stay a moment longer. I fought to push my hand between us and handed him my certificates to exit with.