I was quickly falling apart. Each brick in my stupid wall I'd built was crumbling. I felt the same way I had when I stared at my apartment wall - covered in post- stick notes, pictures, newspaper articles - overwhelmed and hopelessly lost. They had been little pieces of my identity that I slowly pieced together for two years, I'd scribbled furiously, trying desperately to figure out who I had been, who I was.

"I need to leave, I have to keep running," I muttered, pushing my hair out of my face, stepping away from Bucky. The same adrenaline which had made me run from Peggy's room that night I had escaped HYDRA now rushed through my veins. "I remembered they can still track me the other night - I'm putting everyone in danger. I have to keep running. They'll find me."

"No you don't." Bucky reached forward and grabbed my hands, stopping me from going any further back. "No more running, doll. You can't run forever."

I stood still, staring down at his metal hand holding my own before looking back up at Bucky. "But-"

"You saved Peggy's life Zoe, you're here for Becky now." He squeezed my hands. "There's strength in numbers."

I looked down from his blue gaze, taking my hands out of his. I didn't know. "I killed people. Innocent people. I'm a monster."

"So did I, doll." Two cool fingers were underneath my chin making me look up. "All we can do is remember them."

I nodded, still unable to look away from Bucky. Any more thoughts of running disappeared like smoke in the wind. Bucky was right in spite of everything. I couldn't run forever.

"I'm here for you, doll." A small smile spread across his face. They were words he seemed to repeat over and over again. Maybe one day they would sink in...

"Will you stop with the nickname, Metallica." I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

"Only when you finally let me in." Bucky smirked, letting go of my chin.

"Zoe?" Sharon was motioning for me to come back, blonde hair blowing in the wind.

"Coming," I muttered, looking to Bucky once before hobbling back to where everyone else stood in front of the cenotaph.

I swallowed, there was a lot of tension in the air. It clogged it, no one looked at me and nobody spoke. What would Peggy say if she was here?

"So what are you going to do tomorrow, Becky?" Sam smiled down at my sister.

"I'm going to go racing." Becky beamed. She didn't turn to look at me.

"No." I shook my head, stepping around her wheelchair so I could see her face. "No," I repeated with more emphasis.

"Why not?" Bucky asked, still looking at my sister.

"It's dangerous!" I couldn't believe this. It was ridiculous.

"And?" Becky chimed. "It'll be fun!"  This was a complete reversal of roles since the last time we'd been racing, before the crash...

"No." I crossed my arms.

"Yes." Becky looked to me then - lips set in a thin line and her arms crossed as well. Her mind was set I knew that much, I couldn't change it."

"I don't see what your problem is Zoe, you've never lost a race." Sharon touched my arm, catching my gaze.

"I don't race anymore," I grumbled.

"Sure you don't, I mean you're car's fixed but you don't want to drive it. I know why you won't drive anymore and it's not your leg. It's me. Well I'm human and I break but that's part of living. I chose to get in your god damn car and I chose not to wear my seatbelt after you told me countless times to out it on. It's my fault I'm in a wheelchair, I know Aaron blamed you and for the first few weeks I did too but I don't and I never should have blamed you because it was never your fault, Zoe." Becky shook her head. "Please?" She was trying to do puppy dog eyes.

"No Rebecca, I refuse to put you in that kind of danger again. My fault or not. It's idiocy."

"Oh my god!" Becky shouted. "You can't just answer my dying wish, can you?" She covered her mouth as soon as she said it. Grey eyes met mine - wide and panicked.

"No, I guess I can't." I shrugged, keeping her gaze, venom dripping from my voice. "Who knows, you could end up dying sooner rather than later if we went racing."

"Ladies." I looked to Steve. He'd slipped out of his reverie and turned his gaze to the both of us.

"What?" We both answered.

"Take her racing, but only have Sam and the other Avengers as your opponents." Sharon's face kept my gaze as she smiled - I knew what that meant: suck it up and just do it. "Besides it'll be fun, frosty. Trust me you need some fun, or you're going to become the boring English stereotype."

"Stark has a race track." Sam smirked. "Besides I don't think frosty understands fun." Brilliant, another unwanted nickname.

"Fine," I mumbled, arms crossed, voice low. "But on one condition."

"Name it." Sharon raised an eyebrow.

I looked up at the setting sun. "We race at night."

"Yay!" Becky cheered.

I rolled my eyes.

"You!" The male nurse stumbled across a grave before he stood in front of me, reaching into his pocket. "I need justice for Daisy's death." I stared down the barrel of a gun. The male nurse stood shaking slightly as he threatened me. "I'm going to kill you. I-I know who you are."

I frowned. "Who am I?"

"You killed my family. I wanted to see if you remembered them earlier but you didn't, not even Daisy. You-"

"Sir, I think you have the wrong person." Sharon stepped forward, holding her hands up.

"Sharon no, let him speak." I held up my hand for my friend to fall silent. She nodded, eyes flickering between the nurse and me.

"You smashed my son's skull and..." A tear slid down the man's cheek, the gun shaking even more.

I remembered. His sister was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent... Had been. I'd killed her too but first I'd made her watch me kill her nephew and niece that she'd been babysitting. I stepped closer to the man, his gun now pressing against my chest. "And I slit your daughter's throat and tortured your sister for information. I remember," I whispered into his ear. The others couldn't hear of my sins, not yet. I couldn't lie to him.

"I didn't expect you to confess..." He clicked the gun, bullet now in place.

"Put the gun down, please." I gripped my crutches, stepping back from him. "I don't do that anymore." What to do...

"I'm going t-to k-kill you," he stammered.

I leant on my crutches. "You don't sound so sure."

"Put the gun down please, sir." I looked to see an ageing man in a neat suit. I'd been so absorbed in the situation I hadn't seen him approach from behind the nurse.

A thud sounded as the gun was dropped.

"Coulson?" Steve nodded. They'd been told he was alive a few years ago after the anger had subsided everyone was just glad that Coulson was still alive. HYDRA had given me that information... It just stumbled out of the darkness of my mind.

"Hello, captain." The man smiled before handcuffing the nurse and leading him away. Who had called the Calvary?

"Did you know him?" Becky asked, wheeling up to me.

I watched the nurse being led away. It was my fault. It seemed like everything was my fault. "No," I lied. "I'm going to head back to the car. I'll see you there."

"Wait up, doll." Bucky.

"Take my car, Bucky." Steve handed Bucky his car keys. "We'll meet you back at the tower." The Captain's beetle - the infamous getaway car - well it suited the cap I suppose, both of them being relics and all.

I swung in front of Bucky - I didn't want a conversation. I didn't want to talk about feelings. It made me feel too weak, out of control. Life wasn't going to get any easier I guess but I could get stronger.

The Beetle beeped once and I clambered into the passenger seat. Bucky climbed into the car, he said nothing as he pulled away, metal hand glinting on the wheel. It was an unsettling silence considering what I'd just told him.

"I killed Stark's parents I doubt you could have done worse." Bucky whispered, his hair hung in his eyes and his eyes focused on the road. "December 16th, 1991."

"I... I killed -" the guilt choked me "- I killed children, hundreds of children, my final mission before I escaped was... A child. She was six. I gained her trust and then... Her parents the Secretary of State and her husband... I made them think that their daughter killed herself. That nurse back there, his sister was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent so I killed his two children in front of her and then tortured his sister for information. I'm a monster."

"They tell you it wasn't your fault, that you had no choice, but... You still did it," Bucky sighed, the Beetle joining onto the main road. "The nightmares aren't just figments of your imagination, they're part of your life that you experienced."

"Everyone is so desperate for you to remember but you don't want to remember all of the awful things you've done, which only makes it harder." I kept my gaze out of the window, my voice unsteady and patchy.

"I had that but the worst part were the activation words - I had no control over my own mind, over who I was. I couldn't trust myself."

"Did they cure you?" I whispered, clenching my hands in my lap.

"Yes. You have your own set of words, don't you?" Bucky was looking at me as we came to a stop at some traffic lights.

"Yes, and I'm not cured." I kept Bucky's blue gaze, my voice steady and even. "Like I keep telling you - I'm dangerous. A ticking time bomb just waiting to go boom. I don't want you or any one else to be collateral damage. I'll stay for Becky, but once she's gone..." I took a deep breath. "Then so am I, it's safer for everyone. I don't have a good enough reason to stay and endanger everyone."

"Where will you go?" Bucky's eyes were back on the road as we neared the tower.

"Far, far away where I can't hurt anyone."

Bucky let out a deep breath. "You'll always be hurting someone no matter how far you go."

"Oh really? Who?" I snapped. Everything had just piled up and now I was taking it out on him.

"Yourself." Bucky's voice held no venom - it was matter-of-fact and certain. The word struck me harder than I expected. I couldn't say anything because as usual Bucky was right. He didn't say anymore, his hands gripping the wheel and his jaw clenched. I would be hurting someone other than myself though - I would be hurting Bucky.

***

As soon as the engine in the Beetle stopped I was out of the car. I carried my crutches under my arm, striding towards the tower lift.

"Will you just wait a minute."

I slowed down slightly as I entered the lift. I didn't acknowledge that Bucky had asked me to stop.

Bucky chuckled as he entered the lift. An odd action considering what we'd just spoken of.

"What?" I asked.

"Just remembering a scene in a movie," he mumbled.

I turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. "Care to elaborate?"

"Darcy - a friend of Jane's - Pepper and Sharon introduced Steve and I to Fifty shades of grey." His smirk grew wider.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh my god. I bet that was fifty shades of Steve Rogers."

"You have no idea, doll," Bucky laughed, taking a step towards me.

I leant my crutches on the wall, taking a shaky step forward towards him. "Are you going to hit the button or are we just going to stand in here all day?"

Bucky shook his head. No.

Another step.

The song changed in the elevator. Unconditionally by Katy Perry.

Another step, only a breath of air separated us.

"Oh no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?"

"I'm guessing you remembered the elevator scene?" I looked up into his blue eyes as I reached around him to hit the button to close the doors.

"All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time."

"I guess so, doll. And I also remembered something else from the 40's: a gal, her name was Dot and we were waiting in a lift and then she kissed me. Damn was she good." Bucky kept my gaze, watching my reaction.

I felt a pang of jealousy hit me. Why? "She might still be alive, you should go and find her."

"Nah, she was just one of many. The uniform was like a magnet for women." Bucky shrugged.

"I'm sure it would still be now. There's hundreds of girls in the world you could have any one of them." I shrugged.

Bucky kept my gaze - blue on green - it spoke a hundred words that neither of us dared to say. "They don't understand me, what I've been through. I know someone who does though."

"James, stop." I put my hands on his chest. "Please."

"Answer me one question?" Bucky reached up and brushed a lock of hair behind his ear, exposing his square jawline. "Why do you get to decide who you hurt?"

"Because I have to live with the guilt and that's why I'm leaving." I stared down at my hands on his broad chest - chipped nails and thin layers of scars decorated my ivory skin.

"You can't blame yourself, Zoe. And I won't let you run."

I let out an exasperated sigh. "You can't do that! You can't let HYDRA near you again, you can't get attached to me because when they take control of me - and they will - I will try to kill you and you'll have no choice but to kill me. You can't hesitate with the trigger, you can't think for a second too long, you'll have to kill me. Goodbye is the only way, Bucky. It's best for everyone."

Bucky leant closer to me. "There's no changing your mind is there, doll?"

"No."

"Give me a chance to persuade you? Just one, doll." What could he possibly do to change my mind?

I nodded, letting my hands fall from his chest.

Bucky took my hands in his. "Stay." And his lips were on mine - gentle, slow. There was no desperation to the kiss, it was slow and sensual. His right flesh hand touched my cheek. Electricity rushed through my lips. What was he doing?!

I pulled away - lips slowly coming apart - my breathing was rushed. "James... Don't do this, please."

"Zoe, don't do this to yourself." Those brilliant blue eyes, his voice, his touch, everything about him made me want to stay. I didn't want to leave whatever 'this' was behind. But I had to. "I can't let you leave."

"Unconditional, unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally."

I stepped back as I wound my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. "Why?"

His blue eyes were inches from my own so breathtakingly beautiful. "Because I love you, doll."

I pressed my lips to his, whatever slowness that had been in the first kiss had disappeared as we clung to each other.

"There is no fear now. Let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally."

His lips were tender against mine, yet needy. I wound my fingers into his brown hair as my back touched the elevator wall. His smell of coffee and cologne washed over me; Bucky's hands now gripped my hips, holding me up.

"Come just as you are to me. Don't need apologies, know that you are worthy."

His tongue grazed my lower lip. I let him in. My hands stuck in his hair, our lips a hot mess.

"I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would do it all because I love you, I love you."

I loved Bucky Barnes. It was a small whisper in the back of the mind but I heard it so clearly - a crisp note. And that was my reason to stay. Bucky had only needed one chance...

"Unconditional, unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now. Let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally."

The lift pinged, the doors were opening. Bucky didn't seem to be pulling away. Neither did I. We were going to get caught.

"So open up your heart and just let it begin. Open up your heart and just let it begin."

"This is what happens when we leave you two alone for a few minutes." A grin was definitely in Sam's voice. Shit.

Bucky slowly pulled away. The darkness of his pupils pushing away the blue of his eyes. "Oops." He flashed me a brilliant grin.

I reached for my crutches. Shit, just out of reach.

"Open up your heart and just let it begin. Open up your heart."

"Looking for these?" Bucky laughed, handing me the crutches.

I took the crutches, nodding. If I'm honest my lips were pounding slightly and a little sore...

"Acceptance is the key to be, to be truly free. Will you do the same for me?"

Everyone filtered into the lift. I still had eye contact with Bucky as we stood adjacent to everyone else.

"Unconditional, unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. And there is no fear now, let go and just be free."

"You're terrible," I muttered.

"But you love me," Bucky whispered.

I kept his blue gaze, trying to keep my voice steady. "I guess I do, snowflake. So I'll guess I'll stay, for now."

Bucky leant down, lips brushing my ear. "All you needed was a reason, doll."

"I found one," I murmured back.

"'Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh yeah). I will love you (unconditionally). I will love you. I will love you unconditionally."

Bucky smirked before kissing me again. Lightly and swiftly.

Becky started to giggle.

I just smiled - a large grin which hurt my cheeks but I couldn't stop it. Even in this unclear mess, I knew one thing. I was uncontrollably, unconditionally in love with Bucky Barnes, falling like a snowflake, hopefully I wouldn't hit the ground.