Song: Half a Man - Dean Lewis

I stood with Austin, away from the crowd, watching from the sidelines as a crooked line of bundled-up kids followed Santa down the perfectly angled track we'd had a hand in creating.

I loathed Hunt. More than anyone but the joy radiating across Hadley's face made it all worth it, even if my fists remained clenched.

The train of children followed the waving bastard dressed in red, more concerned with his beard than the kids veering off the track behind him.

"I hope that beard is itchy," Austin piped up next to me as they crept around the wide bend before us. "I hope it chaps it up so much it burns."

I arched a brow, not trying to hold my smile.

"What?" he asked, raising his voice above the little pack of mosquito-sounding sleds. "Hunt's a piece of shit."

I wasn't about to disagree. Hadley was right. Hunt didn't deserve the title of Santa, not after last year.

I kept my focus on my anchor. To the one who kept me level-headed. She beamed through her camera lens, smiling wide at the kids while a downhearted Janelle assisted. Or tried to help. She must have dodged out of the way about three times now.

Janelle's mood had changed since I saw her this morning. It was a complete one-eighty, and something told me it wasn't the cold that bothered her. Or the kids she forced smiles for and chuckled at occasionally.

I quirked a grin at Hadley when she dragged her camera around the bend and toward me. She'd always been good with kids. Always had the patience to deal with them. To play with them and listen. Maybe that's why she put up with my shit for so long.

I winked, and her already rosy cheeks shaded a deeper red when Janelle gave her a little shove with her arm—hands stuffed in the pockets of her pea coat.

"It's nice to see her happy," Austin said, noticing and resting forearms on the fence when the noise had faded.

I agreed but didn't say anything. The only thing that worried me more than losing Hadley again was fucking up. I knew that I'd been the one responsible for dulling that shine. For hardening that soft heart. And I needed to make sure it didn't happen again.

I felt Austin assess me and asked, "What?"

"You seem tense. I thought your night with Hadley might've loosened you up."

My smile broadened on its own. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Austin's almond eyes crinkled at the edges. "I'm happy for you, but I can't help but wonder if you're ready."

My brows pinched. "For Hadley?"

"For this race."

"It's a pre-season opener," I replied as blandly as I could manage. "Not a real race."

Austin didn't seem so sure. "Is that why you asked Nate to keep your six and watch out for Hunt?"

My gaze dragged to Austin.

He jabbed his chin. "Talk to me, forty-four."

"About what?"

"Everything. Hadley. Hunt. The fact that you're nervous as hell."

About a fucking pre-season opener.

I shook my hands out as discreetly as I could without Austin noticing, and I hated it. I hated the unrelenting vibration I'd felt since this morning. I hated the bottle-up nerves I couldn't seem to release.

This is what I did. What I lived for. The only thing I was good at. I loved it, and without Snocross, I didn't know who I was.

Fake it till you make it. Pretend. I'd raced shit second-hand sleds down the track and won. Had rebuilt engines in a single night so that I could make it to a race the next morning. I was laughed at. Scrutinized. And I'd used it as fuel to work my ass off and build a name for myself the same way my dad and I rebuilt that first sled—slapping on a coat of paint and calling it new. And I nearly lost it all.

I tried to release a pent-up breath, attempting to expel the nerves from my system, when I caught sight of the twins.

"What's up with them?" Austin asked, noting how Nate chased a fuming Luke through the crowd.

I shrugged. "Let's go find out."

We made our way around the fence before slipping into pit lane and approached cautiously. Austin and I were no strangers to their arguments. They could get pretty heated.

"What's your problem?" Nate asked, stopping him by hooking a hand around his arm.

They drew the eyes of the crowd—no kids from what I could see. The last thing they needed to see was one of their favourite racers making a scene. It was primarily pros leaving their rigs to catch a glimpse of the action—nosy pricks. 

Luke ripped from his grip, his hazel eyes as hard as ice. "Leave it alone."

"Not till you talk," Nate challenged, poking his brother's shoulder. "You've been acting like an ass ever since this morning, and I wanna know what your problem is. Janelle didn't do anything to you."

Austin and I exchanged confused glances. Whatever happened must have been the reason for her change in mood.

"What do you care?" Luke asked, jerking his chin. "You never cared about the others."

"I care because she's important to me," Nate spat as if it were obvious. "And I expect my brother to grow a pair and show her some respect. Not to snap because she was taking too long trying to figure out the settings on a camera. She's not Hadley."

Luke said nothing, and realization struck Nate like a hammer. "Are you fucking serious?" He sagged. "Janelle?"

Luke didn't falter, and Nate adjusted the toque on his tawny head with both hands. "You're the one who said I should pursue her. You—"

Nate paused, and Austin and I snapped to Luke, waiting for some sort of response.

Luke's stare was unreadable—his reply flat. "I told you I wasn't interested."

"And I was," Nate stated firmly. "So I took my shot like you advised."

Luke made to walk away when Nate grabbed him. "Get off me."

"No, not till you start talking," Nate glared, giving him a good shove.

Austin and I readied as Luke stumbled back, catching his footing. But he didn't attack.

They stood eye to eye—neither letting up. "Say it."

Luke never wavered. "Fine, I like her, so what?"

Betrayal cut through Nate's expression, but he didn't move. "Then why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I knew if I did, you'd treat her like all the others," he snapped. "Like fucking competition."

"That's bullshit, and you know it."

"Is it?"

The tension billowed between the twins, and neither Austin nor I moved.

"What the hell was I supposed to do?" Luke asked, throwing arms out wide. "Spell it out for you."

"It would've been nice, considering I can't read your fucking mind!"

Nate's voice reverberated off the trucks and through the food carts. Silencing everyone and everything, but it didn't deter Luke. "Oh, come on, Nate, you knew. It's why you pursued her."

"I pursued her because I fucking liked Janelle. Because I thought this time..." Nate flexed his fists, then unballed them. "If the roles were reversed, I would never have snapped at Janelle like that. Not the way you just did. You embarrassed her. And you embarrassed me."

Nate paused, waiting for a response we all knew wouldn't come, and when it didn't, Nate shook his head—a mirthless smile playing upon his lips. "I should've known you'd ruin this for me."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Nate gestured to his brother with gloveless hands. "It's always been about you, Luke. Every test, every race, every girl. If I hadn't held back every time, you would've cried like a little bitch."

Our eyes widened at the bold remark, readying for Luke to snap.

He didn't, but I almost wished he had given the murderous look and ominous quiet buzzing around him.

"You're a fucking baby, Luke," Nate murmured, taking a step forward, so he was right in his face. "And I'm sick of it."

Something in Luke snapped, and none of us were ready for the right hook he landed across Nate's jaw.

Austin and I leapt, shoving ourselves between the twins before Nate could retaliate.

The crowd formed a ring around the boys. A few aiding as Austin and I held them back.

"I'm done!" Nate roared over my shoulder, his teeth bloodstained. "I'm better off as the screw-up, huh, Luke? That's what you want, right? So you can feel better about yourself!"

Max ran from our rig and shoved his way through the crowd, throwing arms around Nate while Alyssa veered around to help Austin.

Nate wiped the blood trickling from his mouth with a thumb. "I'm fucking done," he said again, quieter than before and more to me as the congestion of bodies grew and smothered his words in the chaos. "If he wants Janelle, he can have her."

My eyes ticked in his—my body being pushed on all sides by the others.

I wanted to say something. To tell him to ignore Luke and walk it off, but I knew he wouldn't. I knew his mind was made up and that after this, he'd find Janelle and sunder whatever connection they'd built.

It hurt, knowing what he'd said was true.

Nate had always held back for Luke. I saw it on the track, in school, even when we played cards at the cabin. He was competitive, yes, but his brother was worse despite his usually positive exterior. Luke's happiness always trumped Nate's, and Nate would sacrifice his shot at it if it meant peace with his brother, though this wasn't exactly peaceful.

I let go as pit lane security swarmed, and Nate shoved Max off. "Guys like us don't win, Baker. It's best we comes to terms with it." He lifted his chin, no longer speaking to me. "I hope it was worth it, Luke," he bellowed, his lip split and jaw bruising.

Luke didn't move or say anything, for that matter. He merely glared as Austin held him tight.

Proud bastard.

I might have followed after Nate to see if he was alright, but even I wasn't that stupid. Nate needed to calm down. And I had to center before this race and prepare myself for the very real possibility that I might be in this alone.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I want to give katrin_writes a huge shout out for the song above! It pulled me out of my writing slump in the best way 🤎