Song:
"If the World was Ending" - JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels

For ajArnault who chose the perfect song <3

Why was I always such a bitch?

I wiped the tears I spent the last hour crying in my room, ruminating over our heated conversation behind a locked door.

Baker still loved me. He'd shouted it for the entire world to hear. And I didn't say a fucking word.

I broke the second the door closed. And again, when I heard Baker snap at one of the boys.

It was likely Austin or Luke. Had it been Nate I would've heard a returning shout and a possible scuffle, but all I heard was the front door slam and the pull start of his snowmobile before the loud braaap ripped through the night.

I wanted to chase after him, to say I was sorry and take back the last hour—the last week, but I knew better than to chase him when I was angry—when he was angry.

I don't know why I snapped. I knew about Baker and Sofia, but after everything with Dallas and then seeing her lounging in the living room, at my parents cabin I snapped, and I fucking hated myself for it.

The music thundered downstairs, and the last thing I wanted was to show my face after another embarrassing display of humiliation I'd initiated. Still, I needed to relieve myself and get some air.

I'd done a masterful job of slithering downstairs and slinking through the many bodies grinding against one another in the living room.

The suffocating heat clung to my skin as I whittled along the log wall, avoiding Austin and my brothers I spotted at the kitchen table and Janelle, who sat rather close to Luke.

Guilt weighed heavy in my chest. I promised Janelle one day without Dallas drama, and here I was causing more with Baker.

We should have stayed home in our two-bedroom apartment. At least then, it would have been the two of us watching Christmas movies and drinking cheap wine.

I reached the door and threw my FXR coat over my shoulders, slipped on my boots and snatched one of the boy's Carhartt toques off the coat rack shelf before venturing out, leaving the throbbing bass of the music behind.

Winters crisp air bit my skin as I zipped my coat, kissing the sweat rivulets sliding down my spine as it fingered through my flannel shirt. I cast my gaze over the shadowed forest and tucked my hands in my pockets before journeying past the fleet of riderless snowmobiles toward the lake.

The moon hung low, shafting rays of silvery light through the canopy of naked trees.

I followed the short path, keeping a sharp ear the further I ventured from the safety of the house.

I was old enough to know the fables my mother told by campfire of creatures older the creaking trees around me were nothing more than lore. Ones meant to keep children out of the woods after nightfall. But it didn't stop the images my younger self crafted from scrapping the back of my mind.

I knew I shouldn't have been out alone, and I might have chastised myself for my stupidity if the sled sitting out a few feet from shore hadn't caught my eye.

I stopped dead—just before the ice, knowing the man side seated on the snowmobile with his back to shore was the last person I wanted to confront.

I might have turned to leave—to give him the privacy he so clearly desired had Wolf's reflecting eyes not fixed on me.

My heart jolted when she barked, and my head snapped over my shoulder—terrified of the phantom creatures I was sure were lurking behind, but all I found were my footprints and shadows of stark trees.

I could have sworn Baker's wry smile seared through my coat. It was evident in his following words, "There's nothing there, Hadley."

Says him.

I turned, finding him twisted on his seat, petting his most loyal companion. "The slew sharks are locked beneath the ice."

My mind jogged at the memory of those stories, faster than the legs carrying me to Baker. "And what of—" My murmured words stopped at the end of my tongue. I wouldn't speak its name, not out here. I didn't care how old I was.

Baker stroked Wolf's fur, watching as I came to stand between the skies at the front of his sled. I'd rather be close to Baker. At least then I could push him and offer him as a sacrifice should anything come. "She'll let us know if a blood-thirsty cannibal comes lurking," Baker said, knowing exactly what I feared. "She already noticed you."

I frowned at the insinuation. "This is my spot, Baker."

In a cloud of winter air, Baker shook his head, his black toque matching mine. "Turns out your spot and my spot are the same place, Hadley."

He took off his glove, showcasing our matching tattoos. I didn't dare take my hands from my pockets, not as the bit of anger seeped from the underwater volcano lurking within me.

He drove me insane with his indifferent tone and casual nature. It made me want to scream, to start another fight, but it would seem the spirits of the lake sensed my aggression and stopped me before I could utter a word.

My anger subsided, and my smile stretched at the delicious sound of the ice, like the crack of gunshot ripping through the night. I was so utterly captivated by the adrenaline-inducing sounds of the lake and the fearful stories backing it that I hadn't noticed the sorrow in Baker's eyes, not till I glanced over and the joy I felt a minute ago faded.

I wanted to say something—anything, to break the frozen cord of silence between us, but Baker had done it first. "You know, when the ice cracks, it doesn't mean it's broken. It means it's settling. It's adjusting to the drop in temperature."

I listened as Baker explained the science behind nature's beauty, about the extraordinary pressures it endures. Without it, coals would never turn to diamonds, and seeds would never become trees.

"Or maybe," I teased, "It's the women with webbed hands and feet shifting the ice in hopes to lure children to a watery grave."

He smiled, and it warmed my heart.

"I'm surprised you're out here," he said into the quiet.

"I'm surprised you came back," I countered.

For a moment, he thought, casting those honey-sweet eyes across the lake. "I hadn't planned on it."

"What made you change your mind?" I asked, treading softly.

"You. You always came back for me."

My eyes glistened. "Baker, I—"

"Sofia's pregnant," he blurted, and my heart stopped. "—not with mine," he added quickly, likely able to feel the thousands of questions searing my throat. "She and Max found out a few weeks ago."

My eyes ticked over his silhouette, keeping my questions at bay.

"That's why I carried you away," he went on. "I knew you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you hurt her and didn't know."

He glanced sidelong, waiting for a response or to gauge my reaction, I wasn't sure. "I hadn't heard," was all I could seem to say.

His mouth curved, but it wasn't a full smile. "Sofia doesn't have the best reputation," he reminded, and my stomach knotted—disgusted with myself for saying the things I had. "They wanted to wait till he proposed before they told anyone."

"And you know because...?"

"Max," he shrugged as if he too was at a loss for an explanation. "She's different now. Or at least she's trying to be. It's hard to change when people keep reminding you of all the shit you've done."

People like me, I thought. I'd done nothing but throw Baker's past in his face—stoning him like he were some criminal. And I'd just done the same to Sofia. I chided myself internally, but I couldn't stop the angry wave of resentment from cresting in my throat.

I was still so mad. So angry for everything he'd done that I couldn't seem to move past it. I was banging my fists against an invisible door I could see through but couldn't quite find the knob to get to the other side.

As hard as it was, I found myself saying, "It's a little unfair of you, Baker, to assume everything should go back to normal. That I should forgive and just forget."

He twisted—his coat scratching. "I never said that."

"You don't have to," I replied, fighting the urge to cry. "I see that little flare of hope the second my guard drops. The minute I let you in. It's like you find that place within me reserved just for you and burrow yourself inside."

I couldn't look at him. Not while I contemplated.

I'd finally reached my crossroad, and it was time to decide if I wanted to unleash everything I'd been holding inside me and see where it took us or if I wanted to maintain my guard and cut Baker out for good.

A tear fell, and another—padding onto my coat before reaching the ice floor beneath my boots.

"You say you hate my boyfriend," I went on. "You say you hate how I put up with his shit. How I never would with you." I looked at him then as hard as it was, with eyes soaked in unshed tears, and managed to say, "I put up with a lot, Baker. I was the one dragging you out of bars at 3 am when everyone else abandoned you. I was the one who endured the insults, the lectures. Who talked the police into letting me take you home so you wouldn't have to spend the night in the cells and potentially lose your sponsorships."

I expected him to lash out at me, but he didn't. He merely listened as if he were accepting all I had to say, and I hated him for it because my anger was the only thing protecting me, and I wanted a reason to be mad because if I wasn't, I might let him in, and risk being hurt again.

"My entire life was focused around you," I went on—harsher than a minute ago. "Every night, I sat by the phone, waiting—praying you'd call or answer my texts. I wasn't being needy or controlling. I was in a constant state of worry that something might've happened. That maybe you picked a fight with the wrong person or made the stupid decision to drive."

"That thought never even crossed my mind," he defended.

I wasn't about to feel sorry for him. I knew his mother's death was tragic. I knew he had difficulty justifying his emotions, especially after she abandoned him. But when would it be safe for me to express myself? When would I be safe and not have to worry that my words might be triggering? That I might send him over the edge again.

The tears within me poured, and I couldn't stop them. Not as Baker stood and stepped before me. "I've changed."

"For how long?" I asked, not yet ready to give in. "A week? A month? How do I know I can trust you?"

"How do I know I can trust you?" he flung back. "You broke me when you left. And after seeing you with someone else..." he trailed off, his throat bobbing. "I know what I lost. Okay, I get it. I know I didn't deserve your kindness. Hell, I didn't fucking deserve you. I never deserved you. I was an angry piece of shit kid who lived in the trailer park." He paused, and I said nothing. Not as he wrangled with his self-loathing.

"That never bothered me," I managed after a moment. I may not have lived in the trailer park, but we certainly weren't as well off as we were now.

"You left," he said again, and I could tell it hurt.

"You gave me no choice, Baker. I couldn't watch you hurt yourself." My teeth grazed my bottom lip, as fear clawed its way up my throat, "I couldn't bear the thought of losing you."

Images of the hospital bombarded my mind. Of all the monitors, the fluorescent lights. Of Baker laying in that horrendously uncomfortable bed.

I broke, and the tears flowed. "It hurt," I whimpered, allowing all my walls to melt, "I didn't want to leave. I was afraid of what might happen when I did, but I was so tired, and I was so angry...." I trailed off.

I wanted Baker to come back. I wanted things to return to normal, but he'd given up. He gave up on himself, and I much as I didn't want to admit it, he gave up on me.

Baker stepped closer till his coat scratched against mine. "I'm sorry, Hadley."

I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop the images of Baker falling from his sled. The announcers cry. The snowmobile crushing him from behind. "You nearly died."

Baker pulled me against him, embracing me as if he could protect me from that day. But those memories dwelled deep within, living rent-free in my head.  

"I'm still here, Hadley," he murmured against my toque.

I nodded into the safety of his chest, but the hurt tore through me anyway, and I couldn't stop.

Baker pulled, bending so his sights set in mine. "Hadley, nothing is going to take me away from you. I'm here. I'll always be here."

He shifted and said, "You are the only person who matters to me. You are my family. And if I have to fight every day to prove that to you, I will. I'm not there," he added, pointing to the lights of the cabin not far from where we were. To the faint beat of music smothered by trees and snow. "I'm over it. I'm over the hangovers. The regret. I'm out here, freezing my ass off."

I didn't want to smile, but I did, and it was then that Baker touched me.

My body reacted as the back of his knuckles dragged across my cheek, wiping nearly frozen tears. "I still love you, Hadley. I'll always love you. I just got stuck."

My eyes squeezed the rest of their tears, and I said, "I'm afraid to love you." Being honest with him because that's who we were. We didn't lie, or cheat, or play games with each other. We told each other the truth, no matter how bad it hurt. And that's what I loved about him.

His spirits dampened, and he might have removed his hand had I not said, "But I still do—love you."

The lights in his eyes danced.

I expected him to kiss me, I wanted him to, but he remained hesitant. "And what about your cheating boyfriend?"

My toes curled as his knuckles fell and swept a thumb along my pulse point. "I guess it's not cheating if you're on a break," I said, at least that's what Dallas shouted through the phone.

Baker curved a mischievous smirk. One I knew led to trouble, and I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

A/N: I hope I have redeemed myself for yesterdays chapter. I know this one was a little long. Hadley has a hard time with her emotions and it takes a little longer to write. If you're curious about the fables Hadley's referring to, I have written both of them into short stories. They can be found in a book called "Folklore & Fables" on my page.

Thank you so much for reading <3