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It's so surreal to be finished this story. It's so... fucking crazy. I labeled this as a ROMANCE, knowing that Neva wasn't going to fall in love with anyone. I knew she was going to fall in love with cocaine, and I know that's not traditional romance, but in some ways, it can feel like it.

Drugs can make you feel invincible, guys, and... I guess one of my biggest goals with this story was to prove that they fucking don't. It feels like it. It really does. But it's not real. It's just... a fleeting feeling. Nothing lasts forever, and when that feeling fades, everything that you're numbing... it fucking comes back. It never goes away.

It was so fucking cathartic to write this. There were nights when I was drunk or high, or both, and I'd just... spill everything into this redundant, rambling bullshit, strung together in this literary mess, a stream of consciousness captured by intoxicated thoughts. All those beautifully intimate words are empty, and somehow, it's captivating to read those descriptions of sensations of nothingness, but in the end, it's just empty, and that's because it felt like that—beautiful and fucking empty. I'd write something so fucking fragile and intricate, and it would be this endless sentence, with words that didn't make sense, and comparisons that felt wrong, sensations of blood and glass and butterflies and roses and burning and freezing and just... so many... things, but when I came back to it sober, it felt like a million wasted moments... and words.

UUUUUGHHH FUCK I DON'T KNOWWWW. This story started out as something and unraveled into so many different things. It was about sexuality, identity, reality... addiction.

There's always a story. For Neva, it was... it was so much. There was trauma and grief; there were shitty decisions and reckless impulses. There was a desire to forget things, feel less, find a home.

There was a need to own her body.

I've witnessed and experienced SO MUCH slut-shaming, and I've been TOLD that I don't have a right to my body. These are things that women are living right now, and when I started this story, women were navigating and reacting to the wave of fucking abortion bans across the United States. As someone who has had to make that decision, as someone who has gone to a Planned Parenthood, KNOWING that I was not stable enough or strong enough to raise a child, those abortion bans didn't just hurt, but they made me fucking angry.

Neva couldn't have a child. Whether it was Julian's or Jesse's or Half's or Rio's, Neva had to make that choice. That's her body, and she had the right to decide, and... I was proud that Neva got an abortion.

The last few chapters of this story are in need of some serious editing, since I really spit them out pretty quickly to finish NaNo, so I do think that her decisions in the end are a little rushed, but I couldn't end this story without her making that decision. SO. YEAH.

I did leave the story open-ended. You'll never know if Neva relapses or if she stays clean. You'll never know if she writes that story she wanted to. You'll never know if her mother or her brother are deported. You'll never know if Neva is deported. You'll never fucking know because that's the point that Neva tried to make. These stories disappear. These people disappear.

ANYWAYS. I do have a few questions for you guys. I'd seriously appreciate it if you answered them in any way! 🙈

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What did you like about Neva?

Did you ever ship Neva with... anyone?

Have any of you made bad decisions like Neva?

Did you find manipulative characteristics in Neva?

Was there anything specific that you wanted to see more of?

At what point did you find Julian to be manipulative (if you did)?

Were there scenes that were almost too difficult to read?

Did you want to stop reading after Julian died?

Do you think Julian really... loved Neva?

Did you consider it a happy ending?

Do you believe in new beginnings?

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I'd appreciate any and all feedback. You can comment or you can PM me. As always, I'm here, and I'm struggling like hell, but you guys make this such a beautiful experience.

I love you all. ❄️