Sneaking into his bedroom at night became routine. I'd wait until I was sure everyone was in bed and creep along the hall until I reached his door. Every night he'd answer, and every night he'd hold me close until we fell asleep. He kept the nightmares away but unfortunately, I could not do the same for him. Sometimes he would sob quietly with heavy breaths while still dreaming holding me closer by my teeshirt.

This was one of those nights.

"Draco" I whispered with eyes half-closed, sitting up and shaking his shoulders delicately. "Draco, wake up please" I pleaded, hating the pained noises he was making.

"Thea" he mumbled, opening his eyes with difficulty looking pale with fear "are you ok?" he asked, resting a hand on my flushed cheek.

"I should be asking you that" I laughed lightly putting my hand on his.

"Ugh, I woke you up again, didn't I? I'm sorry, it was another nightmare" he sat up. "Don't apologise, I was practically awake anyway" I smiled.

I didn't bother asking him about his nightmare. He never liked talking about it.

"Everything will be ok soon" I promised, and he snatched his hand back at that.

"Why do you keep saying that?" He frowned "you're acting like it's something passing" his tone was hurt.

"I don't mean to. I know it's more complicated than that, but I'm trying to remain positive".

"Positive" he scoffed "that would be nice, but unfortunately it's not an optimistic intuition, it's real life, it's war, and I'm on the wrong side! No one will see me as a victim, So even if this is all over I still won't be safe, and I'll still have to live with the guilt" he ranted with venom isolating himself away from me.

He still felt like he was alone, and I felt as though he couldn't see me or that I simply didn't matter.

"This is all happening to me too Draco" I reminded with frowned eyebrows.

We were silent for a moment, and we were both perfectly awake by now.

"You blame me, don't you?" he glared analysing my features under the dim lighting.

"What?" I shook my head, unable to process the bitterness in his tone.

"You do" he accused.

"No, I don't. Draco how many times do I have to say that we're in this together? We're both struggling, and it's neither of our faults, the circumstances are difficult, and so are the decisions we make along the way" I argued back.
It was true, I didn't blame him. It hurt that he thought so little of me.

He stood up and walked to the opposite end of the room, holding his head in his hands. I got up too.

"You told me to leave you!" he reminded his voice rising.

"That is a perfectly rational response to finding out my boyfriend attempted murder, Draco! Was I supposed to congratulate you for becoming chummy with Voldemort? Yes, my reaction was perhaps a little harsh, but Merlin, I did not have time to process the information, let alone rationalise it. Do you know what type of witches and wizards he kills? Do you know what I am?" I spat quickly struggling to catch my breath. "So forgive me for wanting to be positive".

At first, he didn't say anything and decided to watch me with wide eyes. I could see him thinking, wondering if what he was going to say next would be a wise choice. Either he could mention what he wanted to, lay it out in the open so we could argue this once about all the thoughts keeping him awake at night or he could ask me to leave and we wouldn't talk about it again.

"Life would be easier if you stayed with Harry" he spoke, deciding to go for the first option.
I sighed audibly, pressing my fingertips to my temples and sitting at the edge of the bed. I wanted to scream at that moment, not at him, but just so I could express the frustration his projection was putting me through.

"I don't want Harry. I want you" I said calmly.

"I find that hard to believe" he rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Even if I did want to be with Harry, it wouldn't be any easier for me. My choice is to join them or be hunted, and it seems as though you're oversimplifying the aims of the death eaters. That being said, I do not want to date Harry, so stop putting your insecurities on me because it feels as though you're trying to push me away".

"You're being pushed away?" He repeated as though I wanted that to be the case.

"Why do you want me to leave so badly? Quit doing this crap, trying to make me feel guilty for having a friend!"

"I think he had more than friendship on his mind!"

"HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WILLING TO UNDERSTAND! YOU WERE NOT THERE DRACO, HARRY WAS!"

We let this sit for a moment, both with tears in our eyes. It was pointless, all of it was. I could have written an essay debunking every frustration and insecurity Draco had, but it would not change anything. A part of me felt sorry for him, but the other part of me was exhausted with the repetitiveness of talking points. My heart broke. I wondered if he wanted to lose me if he was really begging for me to let go. I wanted to belive I was crazy.

Gulping I looked back up at him. His expression was unreadable, and he did not look like he was going to speak again.

"I'm going back to my room" I announced hoping he would follow, but when I slammed the door shut it did not open back up behind me.

In the darkness, I fell onto my bed, clutching onto my pillow and letting the tears flow. In some other life, love is easier, but that is not this life, and I had to be ok with that or lose the people I wanted to cherish for eternity.

I was sure he loved me. I wanted him to love me. I needed him to love me. And maybe he did, maybe the struggle was staying in love with me. Did he see me as a concept of all the things he hated about himself? I hoped not.

As an attempt to distract myself, I turned on the radio that always sat on my bedside table. I turned the frequency until the familiar crackling noise died out and voices spoke.
Then, a soft knocking was at my door. I wiped away my tears and got up to answer the door. It was Draco. It felt odd being this side of the doorway.  I stepped aside, allowing him to come in, then I closed the door behind him.

"I do love you" he confessed "It's because I love you that I create these plastic problems. You're the only one I trust to know how I feel, but I don't know how to express that, and I don't know how to love you in the right way, the way you deserve, so I ruin it. I don't want to ruin it". There was a pause, but I said nothing, encouraging him to carry on. "I think you deserve better and I don't know if you've noticed, but everyone has spent their entire lives convincing me Potter is the best".

"You, Draco Malfoy, are the best decision I've ever made. Maybe you won't believe me but Merlin's beard you are the pinnacle of perfection, but everyone else has noticed it before you've had the chance to".

"You were so positive, and I was scared that you were wrong and I was even more petrified if you being ok meant that you had to leave me" he sighed pulling me in by my waist and resting his face in the crook of my neck.

"Being safe and without you is not being safe at all" I promised holding the back of his head and resting my cheek into him "we're kids in war Draco, hope is all we have".

The radio began to sing:

Pass me that lovely little gun
My dear, my darling one
The cleaners are coming, one by one
You don't even want to let them start.

Draco stood up so he was now looking down at me. With a gentle hand, he raised my chin so I was looking at him and he brushed his thumb over my lips before kneeling down and planting a soft kiss which we both smiled into.

They are knocking now upon your door
They measure the room, they know the score
They're mopping up the butcher's floor
Of your broken little hearts

O children

He travelled those small kisses down my jawline until he reached my collarbone. I shivered and he smirked.

Forgive us now for what we've done
It started out as a bit of fun
Here, take these before we run away
The keys to the gulag

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

He now travelled his hands to rest on my his and he swayed us from side to side.

Here comes Frank and poor old Jim
They're gathering round with all my friends
We're older now, the light is dim
And you are only just beginning

O children

"Draco, what are you doing?" I giggled, following along with his movements.

We have the answer to all your fears
It's short, it's simple, it's crystal clear
It's round about, it's somewhere here
Lost amongst our winnings

"Dancing" he chuckled his face blushing slightly as he said so.

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

I nodded biting back a smile and resting my arms on his shoulders.

The cleaners have done their job on you
They're hip to it, man, they're in the groove
They've hosed you down, you're good as new
They're lining up to inspect you

O children

There was no denying he was a good dancer. He moved smoothly with the beets of the music smiling down at me like I was the world.

Poor old Jim's white as a ghost
He's found the answer that was lost
We're all weeping now, weeping because
There ain't nothing we can do to protect you

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

He was now humming along. I leaned my head on his chest and his heart beat sang in synch with the low humming.

Hey little train! We are all jumping on
The train that goes to the Kingdom
We're happy, Ma, we're having fun
And the train ain't even left the station

Hey, little train! Wait for me!
I once was blind but now I see
Have you left a seat for me?
Is that such a stretch of the imagination?

Draco held onto my waist and picked me up spinning me around. For security, I wrapped my legs around his waist and yelped from surprise.

Hey little train! Wait for me!
I was held in chains but now I'm free
I'm hanging in there, don't you see
In this process of elimination

I threw my head lack laughing and he joined in with me continuing the spinning.

Hey little train!We are all jumping on
The train that goes to the Kingdom
We're happy, Ma, we're having fun
It's beyond my wildest expectation

I felt alive. Draco made me feel alive and in moments like these feeling alive is what we all craved. It was more fulfilling than just living.

Hey little train! We are all jumping on
The train that goes to the Kingdom
We're happy, Ma, we're having fun
And the train ain't even left the station.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]