Cole stared at him. "What?"

"Well," Gideon's smile turned a little ashamed, but he held Cole's eyes. "I was pretty fucking sure James was messing around with you, but I wanted to see if you would come to me about it like you did last time or if...well, I was just testing to see if I could trust you, I guess."

Maybe Cole should be a little upset about that, but if he imagined Gideon sitting him down and demanding to know what he and James were up to, he could not imagine having a very positive reaction. With the family that Gideon had, as well as a noticeable lack of friends around him, Cole figured it made sense for him to keep people at arm's length and test them a bit before trusting them. Another nauseating wave of shame rolled over him when he thought about spewing all that nonsense about Gideon trusting him while the man was, in fact, silently waiting for Cole to betray him.

"I'm so sorry," Cole whispered, dismayed that he had failed the test. "I thought...I thought you might try to confront James about it like you did the debt, and James would kill my dad because I told you."

"I wouldn't put your dad in danger," Gideon frowned. "I'm sorry that I've given you that impression."

"No, no!" Cole flipped his hand to curl his fingers between Gideon's instead of clutching at his shirt. "I should be apologizing for thinking you would do that. I know you wouldn't. I know you. I just..." He trailed off with a harsh sigh. He just had his own issues, which meant his grip kept slipping no matter how easy Gideon made it to trust him.

Gideon squeezed his hand.

"So, it was..." Cole swallowed and cast his gaze to the side, not sure if he really wanted to bring things up since it was such a small thing in the grand scheme of this whole mess. But if they were really getting into the nitty gritty of it, he might as well. "The other night when you let me order you around, was that just...you playing along. To see what I was up to? Not because you actually trusted me?"

"Baby," Gideon cupped his face and turned it toward him to force eye contact again. "Do you think I get down on my knees for just anyone - someone at work, for example - to figure out if they are bullshitting me? No. I don't. Was I playing along? Yes. But you are the only person I would ever let order me around like that. Kinda like how you just play along whenever I order you around."

Cole believed him. If anything, this meant that perhaps he trusted Cole more deeply than Cole thought. He was willing to kneel and submit even when he had suspicions about Cole's motivations. He even told him where he was going, although perhaps it had not been the truth.

"Did you lie to me about where you were going then?" Cole asked.

Gideon grinned. "No, I was really at the port last night."

Cole's mouth dropped open. Gideon used the thumb of the hand that was still cupping his face to stroke away some of the tears clinging to his cheeks. The guy was as nuts as the rest of his family.

"But-"

"Receiving shipments like that involves a bunch of people, both on our end and the shipper's end," Gideon explained. "Not exactly the easiest time to kidnap me, and it would have been bad for business. It's not a good look if the Bartas cannot even control their territory well enough to receive drop-offs. The most James did last night was send a guy to confirm you were telling the truth."

Cole gawped at him.

"How about you answer a question for me?" Gideon dropped his fingers from Cole's face so he could gather his fingers up completely and pull them away from his shirt. "All that stuff about us being able to show the bad parts of ourselves to each other. Wanting to open up and trust one another. Was that all just talk to get information out of me, or did you mean it?"

Tears sprung to Cole's eyes again, abruptly welling along his waterlines. He flicked his eyes to the ceiling and swallowed around the lump in his throat. "Um. I really meant it. I understand if you don't believe me, but..."

"I believe you." Gideon interrupted emphatically, squeezing his hands. "After all, didn't you just show me a part of yourself that you were afraid to? That took a lot of trust. I could have blamed you for working with James behind my back in an instant. Most people in my line of work would consider kicking you out on the streets over something like this to be a mercy. I could have killed you over it."

Cole blinked, and a tear sliced down his cheek. It was still a shock that he had not. Gideon really was too good to be true.

"But you told me anyway because it felt bad, right?" Gideon pressed.

"I feel horrible." Cole's voice warbled. "I'm the worst."

"No, you are just loyal to your family. Believe me, I can respect doing things you feel bad about for the sake of your family." Gideon smiled at him, a genuine smile. Cole let out a wet chuckle and sniffed, pulling one hand away to wipe the tears that just kept tracking down his face.

"If anyone knows what that's like, I do," Gideon emphasized. He pulled both his hands away and folded them in his lap. He stared down at them, completely still, shoulders tense. "The thing I feel the worst about is...well. I track the numbers, right? It's not all checking inventories. It's also going out to collect if the money does not show up when it's supposed to. I mostly have my men do the actual enforcement now, but I used to go along with them quite a lot when I was younger. A few years ago, a couple of guys and I went to rough up this kid - and he really was just a kid, no older than you are probably."

Not for the first time, Cole wondered how old Gideon was exactly. He did not look older than maybe his late twenties, but he acted much older at times. Sometimes, he seemed like he might be around Cole's age, and others, he seemed like a wizened old man. He looked young enough to still get carded for liquor but probably never did.

He kept staring at his hands as he spoke, and Cole remained very, very still, shallowly breathing through his mouth because his nose was all stuffed up. Slowly, he folded his hands together so he would not fidget.

"It doesn't matter what he owed the money for - drugs, probably - but he couldn't deliver. And he hadn't been around long, so it was just going to be a warning. A little bit of a threat, but he picked up this gun he had on the table and shot himself."

Gideon's hands separated, and he looked at his spread fingers for a moment before curling them into fists. "Then his...uh...we were at his house, so his mom came at us with a shotgun, and I had to put a bullet right in her fucking forehead. That situation...that's the worst thing I've ever done."

Cole was stunned. The actual events that Gideon recounted were horrible. But also, how had they gone from him confessing his betrayal to Gideon confessing the worst thing he'd ever done? Although it was not much of a leap. Maybe this was Gideon opening up for real. Not just telling Cole where he was going because he was confident nothing would happen anyway. Not just playing along for the sake of kinky sex. This was him really baring himself-inviting Cole out onto the balcony to smoke with him and his thoughts.

Killing that woman meant that he had to deal with the consequences of what he and his family did to people face-to-face. Their empire of drug running and extortion and other tomfoolery killed people and tore apart their families all the time. But not usually right before Gideon's eyes. This must have been why Gideon never sat alone with his thoughts. He managed to somehow cling to a conscience despite his upbringing and job.

In all his wondering about whether Gideon was miserable in his life, Cole had never really considered that, as a crime boss who was raised into the life, he would feel bad about the things he did. And he probably didn't usually. But specific events like this haunted him. And honestly, there was not really anything Cole could ever say to make that any better.

He pushed the blanket from his shoulders and got up to make Gideon one of the two-finger glasses of whiskey with a single ice cube that he always made for himself when he was dealing with a particularly difficult conversation. It was his signature. His sister had ordered it for him at the restaurant the night they all had dinner. Tonight, Cole offered it to Gideon. He took it, and then slammed it all back in two big gulps.

"Thanks for telling me." Cole sat beside him again.

Gideon gave him a thin smile. "The second worst thing might be taking an interest in you, but I can hardly bring myself to regret it."

Cole tilted his head to the side, "Why do you think that's the second worst?"

"Just...how it went down. James. Now, the stuff with your dad." He sighed. "I had this fantasy the first night I was with you. I was going to take you away from the club. Give you a better life. Then I thought James ruined it."

"But he didn't." Cole pointed out. "He just sped things along, really."

"I guess, but..."

"I don't want your guilt," Cole told him. Gideon tilted his head and frowned, so Cole repeated himself to emphasize it. "I don't want your guilt. I just want you."

A slow smile spread across Gideon's face. "In that case," he set aside the whiskey glass and leaned forward, "I don't want your guilt, either."

He was talking about Cole betraying him to James, which also had the unbelievable effect of bringing them closer together. It all seemed to come down to James. They just needed to get him out of their relationship, and everything would be smooth sailing. Probably.

"Okay," Cole said.

"Okay," Gideon repeated.

Complete commitment to the bit.