Idea kindly suggested by the frumpish tsundere AnOmoriFanatic

Humphrey's Cave, 06/04/20XX, Entry #1

There is no world in which Humphrey won't be mine.

I find myself filled with an overwhelming sense of adoration when I take in his beautiful blue body or when he bares his grotesque yet comforting smile. I need him, just as I am sure he needs me...though there have been some differing opinions between me and my man.

Every time I present myself to him, he screams and shouts, banishing me to where I came once again.

Although I prefer to phrase it differently, he appears to be 'disinterested in me', whatever that means. Thus, I have constructed a plan in order to win him over, and it all starts with his beautiful pink and green bumps.

Through my time studying my dearest Humpsicle, these bumps of his seem to have no recollection of him, despite belonging to his collective conscious. I suppose it all points to a rather complex question: How do stupid things become smart together?

This has led me to a rather profound theory. I understand that it may not be one hundred percent foolproof, but I've already began collecting the materials necessary that will help assist me in achieving my goals.

In order to keep things concise, I have boiled this down into a few simple points.

A. Every week or so, retrieve one unsuspecting bump that is not cared for by the rest of its species.

B. 'Turn it'

C. Place it in a compact setting.

With the completion of these steps, I believe that once I have collected enough 'bumps', replication will ensue. This will allow for me to create a (somehow) better Humphrey that will mirror my feelings.

Allow for me to contextualize some points with a story. The tale of my first 'bump' collection.

I crawled out of my hiding hole in the cave, my heart pounding loudly in my chest. I scanned the area, hoping nobody had seen me. With the coast clear, I cover the hole back up and make my way out.

After days of some rather meticulous observations made by me, I determined who I was looking for: a smaller than average 'bump' that had a mole on the side of its face, thus it had been shunned by the rest. An easy test subject that would be noticed by few.

I shimmied my way through Humphrey's backside entrance whilst holding my breath out of nerves and to preserve my nasal a cavity. I envision my mental map and soon enough, there it is!

I take a deep breath and remind myself to be my friendliest self. I must make a good first impression for this to work. I walk up to the 'bump' with a warm smile.

It looks up at me, seemingly confused. "Who are you?" The voice is young, and I feel uneasy as I recognize how this makes me feel.

I push the feelings away and maintain eye contact. "Ah! I do maintenance around here every few months or so, just to make sure everybody is healthy. I'm kind of like a doctor."

It thinks for a second and responds softly. "O-Oh, I've never seen you around here before...that might just be because I'm new here."

"You're new here, yet nobody wants to show you the ropes?"

A sigh escapes its mouth. "It seems as if I'm not welcome here. My comrades have deemed me unworthy of even being in their presence. I am a part of a group called 'the sullied'. We are only allowed on the outskirts." My ears perk up at this new information, maybe this plan will be rather easy.

I try my hardest to sympathize and nod along. "That's terrible. Y'know,  I didn't want to say it, but when I first noticed you, I saw a certain sadness in your eyes that was quite beautiful in a way. I've never seen anything like it."

We sit in silence for a bit, and I wonder if my observation had gone too far.

Moments pass before it finally speaks up. "All I've ever wanted was a family. Others like me that I can rely on. I'm still not sure why they don't want me, just that I'm not good enough for this place." It stares at the floor, and I can hear the hurt in its voice.

I contemplate discussing the plan with it, but decide to hold off. The time has not come yet, I must win over its trust first, so I wrap my arm around it comfortingly and we sit in silence once again.

After an appropriate amount of time I say, "I must go." I stand up and look down at its dejected eyes.

"Must you leave?"

"I have important business to tend to, but how about we meet back here tomorrow?"

It smiles a little wider. "I would love that!"

"I won't keep you waiting." I lie through my teeth and create the illusion of walking off, despite staying close by.

The next day, I stay hidden and watch it wait for me to return. It looks around, saddened by this turn of events. Just as it sluggishly turns to the direction of their makeshift home, I begin running towards its direction, pretending to be more out of breath than I actually am.

"Ah! I'm sorry! I came as soon as I could!"

It appears surprised that I have not abandoned it and reassures me that it is alright. We go through the routine of basic small talk, until it presents a rather bold question. "Could you...maybe stay here with me tonight?"

I mentally congratulate myself over this small victory and accept its offer. Throughout the night, we discussed our likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, and even some secrets. I attempted to be as honest as possible, though it was rather difficult.

Over the next few weeks, the 'bump' had grown to put its faith in me, and I knew it was time.

"You don't like it here, do you?" I ask it.

"No, but I like being with you!" It exclaims.

I nod along. "Well, what if I told you that we could still be together, just somewhere else? Far away from all the creatures that have turned a blind eye to your suffering. You would be seen here, part of a greater purpose."

Its eyes light up as I continue. "Take me away from here, please."

It is so susceptible to any change in the status quo. I contain my excitement and feign concern. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm very sure!"

"This is a really big decision...maybe I should give you some time alone to think."

"No no no! I'm certain. Let's go, right now!"

Step one, complete.

I lead it out of the larger Humphrey and make our way into my hiding hole. As I step inside, I secure the exit, just in case.

It looks around curiously at my messy living conditions, with molding putrid tofu thrown on the floor carelessly alongside numerous beverages that help me drown out the sounds.

I motion towards a tiny bed. "This is for you now."

It appears to frown slightly, but does not protest. It lays down on the bed and I'm sure it notices the smell, but I mustn't waste my time cleaning. I have more important matters to tend to.

Over the next few days, we live together with relative peace. That is, until one day it started getting a little feisty, which I was relatively prepared for.

"Can we go outside?" It pleads.

"No. It isn't safe for you out there, you will get hurt again."

"But if we go together, it will be fine. You'll be b-by my side!"

I shake my head and sigh. "Is that my duty? Really all I am to you? Your protector or something?"

"N-No! Of course not! That's not what I'm-"

I cut it off before it can continue. "I don't want to hear this type of talk from you anymore. I'm leaving." I walk through the door and make sure it's locked, so that the 'bump' can't get out. I hear it pound on the door, but the sound fades as I walk away.

When I came back after around five hours or so, I really thought that it had learned its lesson, as it had grown rather silent. Though it appears as if I was just foolish, since it began throwing a fit as I tried to sleep.

"Why are you doing this to me?! I want to go outside! I thought you would give me a better life! You can't keep me trapped here forever." It begins shaking uncontrollably and whimpers softly.

I don't say anything. I only calmly sit down and look away from it.

"You won't even look at me. You won't even look at me!" Tears roll down its face as it glares at me. "I trusted you!"

I look over to it and continue keeping my mouth shut. At the time, I thought it would exhaust itself quickly, but I was wrong. It began breaking things and attempting to open the door. When it realized its attempts were futile, it sat on the floor and cried more.

"Can you at least hug me?" It begged, wanting some sense of connection with another. Something I am not able to provide at this point.

I shake my head and calmly state, "No. Why would I hug somebody as inconsiderate as you? I have given you everything you could ever want. A home away from those who have despised you, support, and kindness. I try to keep you safe and you have just gone and blown it out of proportion."

It begins to believe me and apologizes profusely, stating that it didn't realize how its actions would hurt me. Truthfully, I couldn't care less what it did to me, but I need for it to believe.

We go through this a few times before I decide to finalize the second step of 'turning' it.

After one of our biggest arguments, I leave it for a week to think about what it has done. How it has wronged me and how perhaps the other 'bumps' were right in ostracizing it. I was starting to believe that last bit myself after how difficult it was being. I didn't expect for this process to take so long, and I hoped for its brothers and sisters to be more compliant.

During the weeklong period, I had gone out searching for another 'bump' to befriend in the outskirts of Humphrey. It didn't take long for me to find one, but I decided to wait it out a little more in order to prove a point.

As I stepped through the door, the 'bump' was at my feet, pleading to never leave again. That it would do anything to make me happy, as long as I don't leave ever again. Its love for me was beginning to hurt it, and I felt a beacon of hope shine down on me. Maybe this plan was going to be successful after all.

I grin down at it. "You would do anything for me?"

"Y-YES! ANYTHING!"

Thus, I lead it down to the lower parts of my hiding hole. Inside are many air conditioners, all the perfect size for one 'bump'.

It looks up at me, perplexed. "What am I to do with these?" It asks.

"Don't worry about that. Do you love me?"

"Of course. Of course I love you!"

I acknowledge it with a nod and gently set it in the air conditioner. I turn the contraption on and let out a sigh of satisfaction. Time to repeat the process.