Disclaimer:

NOT CANON!

THIS IS JUST FOR FUN!

(actors' personality based on their original characters' personalities from HoA 2013)

•••

"Let's welcome tonight's guests, the actors for this rubbish I write for fun, Seven-Minute Semblance!"

(enter Edward, Futhark, Joyeuse, and Laevateinn, all cast sit on a couch)

Joyeuse: Hello, good day, thank you for inviting us to—

Edward: WE PASSED BY A CAT ON OUR WAY HERE AND HE FREAKED OUT. HAHAHAHAHA

Joyeuse: (forces a smile and secretly kicks Edward)

Edward: He was screaming and he was all "Gerrrough gerirouuugh meehh!"

Joyeuse: Please shut up.

Edward: And then, and then he ran to Futhark—

Futhark: (tackles Edward down)

Laevateinn: (eats apple and dodges Edward's feet every now and then)

"It's good to see that you're lively today, but please don't break your micropho—aaaand it's broken."

(After a five minute break:)

Edward: Hello, I'm the actor for Seven-Minute Semblance's Edward Dace. I am not short, I am young. I'm several years younger than these guys and I'm tall for my age.

Laevateinn: What, 7?

Futhark: (bursts into peals of laughter)

Edward: (lips touching the microphone) Yes.

Joyeuse: I'm Joyeuse, I may or may not be a psychopath.

Futhark: I'm Futhark and I hate my character.

"Why?"

Futhark: LIKE WHY IS HE SO KIND AND PATIENT?

Joyeuse: I like the character you portray. It's an improvement from who you are IRL.

Futhark: You only liked it because, like, I treat you like some sort of fucking queen or something.

Joyeuse: (covers Edward's ears)

Edward: Don't cover my ears! I'm used to swearing, my character swears all the time!

Joyeuse: I'm covering them for what will come after.

Edward: What?

Futhark: (continues his rant in a California valley girl accent) And every morning, like, I had to give this guy coffee, like, why is he so addicted to coffee? That's not fine, you know, like totally. And my character's used to hardwork and he's, like, totally understanding and he can't get mad, like duuuude, c'mon I could punch y'all—

Edward: Please cover my ears.

Joyeuse: (covers Edward's ears)

Futhark: And I can't get a girl? I could fucking get any girl I want and—

(Futhark gets censored and is not allowed to speak unless spoken to.)

"So what do you feel about Gods for Rent book 1, which ended last Spring?"

Joyeuse: I'm so glad it ended.

Edward: Mahirap po umiyak.

Laevateinn: (eats apple)

Joyeuse: I got shot. Why do I always get shot? I always either get stabbed, shot, or killed.

Laevateinn: Everyone hates your face.

Joyeuse: Point taken.

Futhark: (raises hand to say something)

Futhark: (gets ignored)

Edward: I do believe that it's because book one is all about me.

Joyeuse: It's Gods for Rent, not Edward Dace is for Rent.

Futhark: I'd (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) that.

Joyeuse: Why would you say that, you bloody idiot?!

"It's okay, I censored it out."

Joyeuse: But I still heard it!

Edward: (on the phone) Mommy, I want to go home.

"Let's change the question! What did you feel the first time you're told you're playing a detective role?"

Joyeuse: It's not news to me, but I've quite the massive thrill when I was told my character is a political science student.

Edward: It's like a stepping stone for your world dominca-domino-doma—

Joyeuse: Domination.

Edward: Dominican Republic.

Joyeuse: You bloody git.

Futhark: (censored) (censored) (censored)

Joyeuse: I made tea afterwards, and had to make another cup after Futhark told me he got a role too.

Futhark: And that I'm his best friend.

Futhark: Oh hey the censorship's gone no—(censored) (censored)

Futhark: What the f—(censored)

Joyeuse: I'm British.

Edward: Laevateinn is Icelandic, not German.

Laevateinn: Ég er Groot.

Edward: And he has no idea who Superman is until he got the role of Laevateinn.

Laevateinn: Indeed.

Futhark: (starts texting on his phone)

Joyeuse: And Edward Dace messaged me the morning after we got our roles, asking me if I'm in the country.

Edward: I wanna practise our lines!

Joyeuse: And I said we can do it online.

Edward: I wanna meet all of you!

Joyeuse: Aww, he's a fan.

"Do you know each other outside of work?"

Joyeuse: Futhark and I share the same apartment.

Futhark: (wiggles eyebrows)

Joyeuse: No.

Joyeuse: It's because we were classmates before and—stop wiggling your eyebrows you bloody wanker! (hits Futhark with his microphone)

Edward: I first met them at audition.

Laevateinn: I try to stay away from them as far as I could.

Joyeuse: Laevateinn was also our classmate.

Laevateinn: Top of our class.

Joyeuse: Stop bragging.

Laevateinn: Says number 2.

"So Joyeuse and Laevateinn are the top of their class, contrary to their roles! What about you, Futhark? You're SMS's top student, right?"

Futhark: First of all, this is why I hate my character.

Joyeuse: And this is why I said Kiel Gomez was an improvement.

Laevateinn: Futhark was the top 45.

Joyeuse: Our batch had twenty-three students.

Futhark: I don't even understand how my papers got negative scores.

Joyeuse: It's because you passed late and—

Futhark: Oh my god, shut uuup.

Joyeuse: This is why you never understand anything, Fraulein Snow.

Edward: Magaling po ako sa sports.

Joyeuse: Edward is the fastest runner in his class.

Laevateinn: Because he's lightweight.

Edward: Lumilipad po ako.

Joyeuse: Your father would be proud.

"Speaking of fathers, how do you feel, Joyeuse, having to act with yours?"

Joyeuse: Heimdall is still a prick, so nothing really changed.

Edward: Heimdall asked me to write "I will never put my lunch on a chair" 100 times after he sat on my bread.

Edward: Heimdall is scary.

Futhark: (raises hand)

Futhark: Heimdall threw me into a rubbish chute once.

Joyeuse: It was your fault, you idiot, you changed his phone's ringtone and wallpaper!

Futhark: He could've just berated me!

Joyeuse: He did! You laughed at him and said he has beautiful eyes, that's why he threw you into the chute.

Edward: I'm a good boy.

Joyeuse: Who leaves food around! I once sat on a pie!

Edward: That pie was supposed to be for your face, it's supposed to be a prank.

Laevateinn: And it met his rear, purpose was served.

Joyeuse: Interviewer, please ask another question.

"Okay. Who among the other cast members would you take out?"

Joyeuse: Futhark, definitely.

Futhark: Awww... ILYSM.

Joyeuse: With a bullet.

Joyeuse: In the head.

Joyeuse: Thrice.

Edward: On a date? Or kung sino talaga papatayin? I'd vote for Futhark too, he calls me short.

Futhark: Shut up shorty go eat some bread.

Laevateinn: I'd kill Futhark and say it was an accident.

Futhark: You can't kill me on accident.

Laevateinn: Try me.

"What if on a date?"

Joyeuse: Like platonic? I'd take out Leux. Then he can teach me everything he knows about arts.

Edward: You're into arts?

Joyeuse: Just the bit where I could influence people and earn money at the same time.

Futhark: I can draw, I can teach you.

Joyeuse: I saw your fanarts, I don't trust you.

Futhark: Awww he stalks me on IG.

Joyeuse: He laughs creepily when he draws, I always get worried so I check on him.

Futhark: Oh my god, he's worried!

Joyeuse: One of these days I'm going to call the police for a restraining order.

Futhark: A legal paper with your signature in it? That's like a marriage contract but different!

Joyeuse: (to the floor director) Excuse me, who removed this guy's censorship?

Edward: I like learning new languages. Laevateinn teaches me Icelandic during breaktimes!

Laevateinn: It's the phrase "Please leave me alone" in different conjugations and forms.

"Who would you take on a date, Laevateinn?"

Laevateinn: I don't have that much time for dating.

"Why? Do you have a hobby? Are you still studying?"

Laevateinn: No, I'm sleeping.

Edward: We would see him in different locations, sleeping.

Joyeuse: It's good that his character sleeps a lot too. Sometimes we just let him sleep on the set and shoot.

"So if Laevateinn in the book is sleeping, you're also sleeping?"

Laevateinn: Yes, why would I fake sleeping when I can actually sleep?

Joyeuse: It's called acting, idiot.

Laevateinn: And I'm a natural.

Edward: Hahahaha.

Joyeuse: What about you, Edward, you haven't answered the question.

Edward: I'd take Clarent out on a date.

Joyeuse: Shooting for the highest star, aren't we?

Edward: She's the prettiest!

"What can you say about Macey, your character's love interest?"

Edward: She's like a big sister to me, she always looks after me on set.

Joyeuse: And she's very supportive of other actors too.

Futhark: She hit me with a frypan once.

Joyeuse: BECAUSE YOU HIT ON HER, YOU IDIOT!

"What can you say about Cassandra, Joyeuse?"

Joyeuse: Book-Cassandra is, well, good. Cassandra's actress is, well, good.

Edward: He doesn't talk to her.

Joyeuse: It's awkward, okay!

Edward: Your character had a lot of girlfriends, why can't you talk to females?

Joyeuse: Why, can you?

Edward: I talk to them!

Joyeuse: Because they think you're an adorable little kid!

Edward: Because I am!

Futhark: You're just short.

Edward: I'M YOUNGER THAN YOU ALL.

Futhark: And shorter.

Edward: (jumps at Futhark)

Futhark: (fights back)

Joyeuse: You bloody idiots, stop fighting!

Laevateinn: (eats apple and leaves the room)

"Whoops! Seems like we have no time left for our interview. Let me thank these kids again and we'll see you next week!"

•••

I had fun writing this chapter because I was reminiscing about 2013. If you enjoyed it too, drop your questions for the lads' actors!

Which character would you like to appear in mock interviews like this and what would you like to ask them? Comment away!

If you're not interested in chapters like this, please send STOP to 777-WHYWOULDYOU.