CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

I just might. But I won't.

Tamara

Pagmulat ko ng mga mata ko, napangiti ako nang makita ko si Ram.

"How did you—"

"Connections," putol sa 'kin ni Ressler. Ang alam ko kasi ay bawal bumisita ang mga bata dito.

"Thank you," I mouthed.

Tumabi lang sa 'kin si Ram at tahimik na nakipagkwentuhan sa 'kin about sa nangyayari sa school niya. Ang cute niya kahit medyo bulol pa siya sa ibang words.

I glanced at Ressler. I was stunned when I caught him already staring at me.

"Wala kang pasok?" Ilang araw na kasi siyang nandito sa ospital, inaalagaan ako.

"I resigned. Para full time husband muna 'ko," he chuckled.

I suddenly felt happy after hearing those words. It really means a lot to me.

"If you're thinking about finance, don't worry. Okay naman bank account ko, sobra-sobra pa 'yong laman. And next week, start na rin naman ako agad as freelancer, para may mga project pa rin na papasok. Ang difference lang, hawak ko na ngayon ang oras ko," he said, flashing me a smile.

"Come here," mahina kong sabi. Mas lalo siyang napangiti at saka siya lumapit sa 'kin. Umupo siya sa kabilang side ko at hinalikan ang noo ko.

"'Di mo pa rin sinasabi kung kamusta 'yong usap niyo ni Jezra," he complained. Natawa ako ng mahina.

"Don't worry. I like her," sincere kong sabi at saka ko ipinahinga ang ulo ko sa balikat niya habang hawak ko si Ram sa kabilang side ko na busy na maglaro sa phone ni Ressler.

"You do?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya.

"Yes. She's a lot like me, tama si Diego. To be honest, nakikita ko kay Jezra 'yong sarili ko no'ng college pa ako," nakangiting pagkukwento ko.

I'm happy that Ressler met a friend like Jezra. She's really a nice person. Honestly, I regret hating her.

Natigilan ako nang makita ko sila Marcus, Brooklyn, Miguel, Franco at si . . . Kuya Kylo, kasama ang parents ko pati ang parents ni Ressler.

Hindi pa man ako nakakapagsalita dahil sa gulat, tumakbo agad si Brooklyn papalapit sa 'kin kaya umalis si Ressler sa tabi ko saka ako dinamba ng yakap ni Brook.

"Akala mo hindi ka namin mabubuking? Hello? Walang sikreto ang hindi nabubunyag," iritang sabi niya.

Hindi ko magawang tumawa. Ang tanging nasa isip ko lang: paano nila nalaman?

"Nalaman lang namin kay Ressler," sabi naman ni Marcus.

Napunta kay Kuya ko ang paningin ko. Hindi siya umiimik at tahimik lang siyang nakatingin sa 'kin.

They're lying.

I know it wasn't Ressler.

Hindi sasabihin sa kanila ni Ressler ang bagay na 'yon lalo na't nangako siya sa 'kin.

But that's not important anymore.

"I'm sorry," my voice cracked. I hugged her back; my tears were rolling down my cheek nonstop.

"I'm sorry for not telling you, I'm sor—"

"Sshh. Naiintindihan namin. You don't have to say sorry, Tam. You did what you think was right," pigil sa 'kin ni Brook habang marahan na hinahagod ang likod ko.

"K-Kuya," mahinang sabi ko dahil napansin ko ang pagpatak ng luha niya.

Umalis si Brook sa yakap ko at si Kuya naman ang lumapit sa 'kin para yakapin ako.

Tahimik siyang umiyak sa balikat ko.

"I love you, Kuya," nakangiting sabi ko. Pakiramdam ko magang-maga na ang mga mata ko.

My eyes shifted to my mom and dad. They're also crying.

I know, it hurts them so much. That's why I tried my best to hide it from them.

But I guess nothing can stop them from knowing. Truth always reveals itself in so many ways.

Kahit papaano ay gumaan talaga ang pakiramdam ko. Ngayon ay hindi lang si Zild ang nasa tabi ko. Madami na sila. Lahat ng mahalagang taong nakapaligid sa 'kin, alam ko kasama ko sa laban na 'to.

Nasaan na nga ba si Zild? Ilang araw ko na rin siyang hindi nakikita. Hindi niya pa ako dinadalaw simula nung na-admit ulit ako dito sa ospital.

Weeks had passed, I started to pee blood. I'd wake up with infections in various body parts.

I know my disease is getting worse.

My focus was to survive. I need to survive. I couldn't and wouldn't lose sight of this. I know I am only saved by a cocktail of toxic drugs, transfusions and life-saving blood products, but I'm still lucky, right? Leukemia should've killed me already but here I am, still fighting to survive.

How do I come to terms with that? An unfulfilled life because cancer had the potential to dictate the outcome.

I might die. I just might, but I won't.

I deserve to live.

* * *

Zild

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad nang makita ko si Jezra na nakatayo sa labas ng pinto ng kuwarto ni Tam.

Bakit 'di pa siya pumapasok?

I stood beside her and now I understand what stopped her from going in.

I shifted my eyes to Jezra. Sadness was written all over her eyes but she managed to smile.

"I'm happy for them," she said.

I scoffed. "You're in love with Ressler."

"W-what? No!" she denied.

"What brings you here by the way?" I asked, shifting the topic.

"I promised Tam to visit her twice a week."

I raised a brow at her. They're friends now?

"The moment I met her, naiintindihan ko na kung bakit sobrang mahal siya ni Ressler," she added. "And ikaw rin, mahal mo si Tam, 'di ba?"

I let out a small laugh. "Why? Are you jealous?"

"What? No! My God! Ganyan ka ba talaga?" she complained.

"I think we shouldn't ruin their moment," I changed the topic, pointing my finger to that happy family inside the room.

"I agree. Maybe I should visit her next time."

We were about to leave but Dra. Lagura suddenly appeared in front of me.

"Hey, Doc," I greeted. She smiled when she recognized me.

"Hi, Zild!" she greeted back.

"Thank God you're also here. We have a lot to talk about. Can you call Ressler for me?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakaramdam agad ako ng kaba nang sabihin niya 'yon.

"Sure, Doc, give me a sec," I said, flashing her a smile.

Kumatok muna ako bago pumasok sa loob. Napangiti naman agad si Tam nang makita niya ako.

I missed her.

"Hi," I greeted, giving her a quick kiss on her cheek.

Ressler caught my attention when he cleared his throat.

"Dra. Lagura wants to talk to us outside," I informed him.

"O-Oh. You should go," biglang sabi ni Tam.

Alam ko, kahit siya ay nakaramdam rin agad ng kaba. I gave her a warm smile, saying that everything's going to be fine.

"I'll be right back," paalam ni Ressler sa kanya saka kami sabay na lumabas ng kuwarto.

"I'm sorry to say this but, these lucid moments are going to get briefer and further apart. Tam's in system failure now. Body defenses are at zero. The fevers Tam's getting, it's infection from the dialysis, and it's not just in her arm or leg, it's in her blood. I'm sorry, Ressler, Zild. This is it. We're at the end."

Agad na nanghina si Ressler nang marinig niya 'yon pero inalalayan naming agad siya ni Jezra.

We were already expecting this to happen, but still, we are not ready to accept it.

"How long?" Ressler's voice cracked.

"It's hard to say. But if nothing changes . . . not too long," the doctor replied, making it hard for us to breathe.