CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

In his eyes, I can see hope.

Nakatitig lang ako kay Ressler habang abala siyang nakaharap sa laptop niya.

Ngayon ko na lang ulit siya nakita ng ganito, 'yong matagal. 'Yong buong araw.

Pero kahit buong araw kaming magkasama, hindi niya ako kinakausap. Kinakausap niya lang ako kapag kailangan, kapag may pumapasok dito na nurse para i-check ako.

I couldn't blame him for the cold treatment he's been giving me. I know it's a lot to take. Hindi naman gano'n kadaling tanggapin agad na may leukemia ako. Kahit ako, ilang taon bago ko natanggap. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko pa talaga tanggap.

Pinakiusapan ko si Ressler na 'wag munang sabihin kila Kuya Kylo at sa mga kaibigan ko ang tungkol sa sakit ko. Pero alam ko, malalaman at malalaman rin ng kapatid ko na may sakit ako lalo na't nakita niya 'yong ulo ko no'ng nakaraan.

Sinubukan kong tumayo para magpunta ng CR. Naramdaman ko ang mga matang biglang tumingin sa 'kin.

Nang lumingon ako sa kanya ay nagtama ang mga mata namin.

"Need help?" tanong niya. Parang biglang kumirot ang puso ko dahil sa lamig ng pananalita niya.

If it was the old Ressler, lalapitan niya agad ako at aalalayan kahit hindi ko sabihin. Kahit hindi niya tanungin. Kahit nga lagnat lang, grabe siya mag-alala sa 'kin dati. Kulang na lang buhatin niya ako kahit saan ako magpunta. Pero ngayon, tinanong niya pa talaga kung kailangan ko ng tulong niya.

Bakit nga ba ako apektado? Ako naman ang may kasalanan kung bakit ganito niya ako itrato.

"I can handle," sagot ko saka ako tipid na ngumiti.

Ibinalik niya ang tingin niya sa laptop at saka niya itinuloy 'yong ginagawa niya. Sigurado akong busy siya mag-autocad. Knowing him, lagi siyang inuulan ng projects. Madami kasi talagang client si Ressler dahil kilala siyang isa sa mga pinakahusay na architect dito sa Vera. Kahit sa ibang lugar ay matunog rin ang pangalan niya, lalo na sa Realgorez at De Grande.

Nang makarating ako sa pintuan ng CR ay medyo nahirapan pa ako dahil sa suwero ko.

"Let me help you," a voice behind me said. Bahagya akong nagulat. I didn't notice him standing next to me.

"O-Okay," nag-aalangan ko pang sagot. Hinayaan ko siyang tulungan ako hanggang sa loob.

Pinatalikod ko pa siya bago ko gawin 'yong mga dapat kong gawin dito sa loob. Nang matapos ako ay inalalayan niya na ulit ako palabas hanggang pabalik sa higaan ko.

"Thank you," I said, flashing him a small smile. He just nodded and went back to the couch. "You can go home now, Ressler. Marami ka pa yatang trabaho. Saka walang kasama si Ram," sambit ko kaya muli siyang napatingin sa 'kin.

"Since when did you care about my son?" he scoffed. His eyes flashed with anger and resentment.

I stayed silent. He's still mad at me, I know that. Wala ako sa lugar para mag-alala sa kanya o kay Ram.

"You know what? You're right. I should go home. I know you can handle yourself. You did it really well for the past few years," he said, shrugging nonchalantly as he picked up his things and put those in his bag.

I already expected he would say that.

I didn't respond. Hinintay ko na lang siyang matapos mag-ayos ng gamit niya saka siya umalis nang hindi lumilingon sa 'kin.

Nang makalabas na siya ay kusa na lang tumulo ang luha ko.

Alam ko naman na gano'n ang sasabihin niya pero may parte pa rin sa 'kin na umasang mananatili siya dito sa tabi ko.

Tumingin ako sa orasan at nakita kong 9pm na pala. Nakakatawa lang isipin na hindi ko na masyadong namamalayan ang oras dahil lagi lang naman akong nasa trababo o nasa ospital. Doon na halos umikot ang mundo ko.

Ipinikit ko na lang ang mga mata ko at pinilit na makatulog kahit ang bigat-bigat ng loob ko.

* * *

Nagising ako sa biglaang paggalaw ng higaan ko. Bago ko pa man imulat ang mga mata ko ay halos lumundag ang puso ko nang maramdaman kong may yumakap sa 'kin.

Isiniksik niya ang ulo niya sa leeg ko at ramdam na ramdam ko ang bawat paghinga niya.

May kung ano'ng kuryente ang dumaloy sa katawan ko. Sa loob ng dalawang taon ay ngayon niya na lang ako niyakap ulit. Ngayon niya na lang ako tinabihan ulit.

I glanced at the wall clock. It's already three in the morning.

Natigilan ako nang maramdaman kong basa na ang bandang balikat ko.

Is he crying?

"Ress, hey, are you alright?" pabulong kong sabi.

I waited for him to respond, but he didn't. He stayed silent for a minute until he starts talking.

"I went to Zild's house."

My eyes widened. He—what?

"We had a fight. I—I actually punched him, and he did the same. I hated him for so long. I hated the fact that you chose to be with him instead of me. I hated those two years you've spent together. I hated it when I've seen you kissing him back. I hated everything about you and him," sunod-sunod niyang sabi.

Napakagat ako sa labi ko. I don't know what to say.

I hate myself for making him feel this way. Ilang minuto ang lumipas, parehas lang kaming binalot ng katahimikan.

I was about to say something but I remained silent when he started talking again.

"But the fact that he took care of you and never left your side, I thank him for that. I owe him something big. If he didn't stay by your side, you could've suffered alone. I'm just glad you had someone to lean on. Even if that person wasn't me," he said, his voice cracking.

I tried to stop my tears from falling but I couldn't. I just can't. Pressing my hand above my mouth, I burst out crying, discreetly wiping my eyes.

I never thought that he would still try to understand me even after everything I've done to him.

He really has a big heart. Instead of just focusing on how hurt he was because of me, he chose to understand me.

He even punched Zild for doing things he shouldn't have done. But he can always see the good in people, no matter how blinded he was with anger.

"I'm sorry, Tam. I'm sorry," his voice softened. "I'm sorry for not noticing that you are sick," pabulong niyang sabi at naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa 'kin.

Gusto kong humarap sa kanya para punasan ang luha niya pero hinayaan ko muna siyang magsalita.

"I'm sorry for thinking you've fallen out of love from me. I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough to know why you acted so differently. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorr—" I cut him off as I turned around to face him.

Our eyes met. Tears welled up his eyes again and began rolling down his cheeks. It hurts like hell seeing my man cry like this. It agonized me hearing him say those words. He should not blame himself for everything.

I wiped his tears away and stared at his eyes. "None of it was your fault, babe. You didn't know. I didn't let you know. I kept it from you. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry you had to know it the hard way, I just didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know how to tell you that you married the wrong girl. Having to tell you that I'm dying can feel like an incredible burden, and I worried about causing distress to you that's why I chose not to tell you," I explained, my voice shaking.

This time, siya naman ang nagpunas ng luha ko. Muli niya akong niyakap at ipinahinga niya lamang ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya.

I wanted to do this with him for a long time. I wanted to lean on him. I wanted to cry on his chest. I wanted to rest beside him. I wanted to cuddle with him. Now I finally can.

I heard him let out a small laugh. "Can you repeat that?"

My forehead creased. "Repeat what?"

"You called me babe," he replied, grinning ear to ear as I lifted my eyes on him.

I missed his smile. I've never seen that for a long time. I cupped his cheek and gazed at his perfection. His crescent-of-moon eyebrows were thin and narrow. He carried an imperious nose well and his angular cheekbones carved down towards a flinty jaw. In his eyes, I can see hope. They shone brightly, like a diamond.

"I love you," I said, flashing him the most genuine smile I could ever give.

I wanted to say those three words to him every day, but I couldn't. Now's the right time to say that to him again.

He deserves to hear that.

Calmness has finally settled on his spirit.

"I love you too," he responded, giving me a quick kiss on my forehead.

Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, this is the first time I've felt happy again.