CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

It's him. Only him.

I feel so ugly.

I have pale skin and I'm starting to lose my hair. May part na sa ulo ko na wala nang buhok. Natawa na lang ako ng mahina sa nakikita ko ngayon sa harap ng salamin.

Lumabas na ako ng kuwarto at nakita ko si Zild sa kusina. Nakaharap siya sa laptop niya habang umiinom ng kape.

"Zild, can I go outside?" I put a cap on my head.

"No, you can't," he replied, not even glancing at me.

"Why? Because I'm almost bald?"

"What? No. Of course, not. It's not because of that."

I let out a sigh. "Please? I want to go out," pakiusap ko sa kanya.

I'll be staying at the hospital starting next week kaya gusto ko sana dalawin 'yong mga taong mahalaga sa 'kin bago ang lahat. Napag-usapan na namin ni Zild 'yon. I have to stop working from the company, and I have to focus on taking treatments.

He let out a heavy sigh, finally his eyes are fixed on me. "Alright, but you should be home at eight."

I grinned ear to ear. "Thanks!"

"You want me to give you a ride?" he offered but I refused.

"I can handle. Don't worry."

I took the bus going to Vera City. I'll be visiting Marcus and Brooklyn. Did I tell you they ended up together? Yes. They got married and they have a two-year-old kid.

Simula no'ng tumira kami ni Ressler sa Realgorez, hindi ko na nakikita masyado sila Marcus at Brooklyn dahil busy kami pare-pareho sa kanya-kanya naming buhay. Kumakain kami sa labas pero siguro thrice a year na lang.

Si Zild naman sa Realgorez na rin tumira simula no'ng tinransfer siya ng boss niya from Vera to Realgorez.

Buong biyahe, gising lang ako at pinagmamasdan ang bawat lugar na nadadaanan ko.

Pagdating ko sa Vera, napangiti ako ng malapad. I missed this place so much!

"Tam," my brother welcomed me with a tight hug. "I have missed you," he whispered.

"I have missed you too, Kuya."

He worked in Italy for two years and now he's finally back for good. He declined a lot of offers from Italy dahil mas gusto niya raw mag-serve dito sa bansa niya. He became a surgeon to serve his country. Iyon ang na-realize niya no'ng nagtatrabaho siya sa ibang bansa.

Nagkuwentuhan lang kami ni Kuya hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay nila Marcus at Brooklyn.

My brother opened the car door for me. I was about to step out of the car but I halted when I felt my nose is bleeding again.

With his wide eyes, he handed me a lot of tissue from his pocket. Yeah, my brother always has that inside his pocket.

"Are you alright?" he asked me, putting his arm around my back to help me get off the car.

I felt so weak right now, but I tried my best to stand straight for him not to notice.

"Yeah, mainit lang siguro," I lied, avoiding his eyes.

No one knows about my cancer. Si Zild lang talaga ang nakakaalam kahit dalawang taon na ang nakakalipas simula nang malaman ko na may leukemia ako.

Maya-maya lang ay lumabas na ng gate si Marcus at Brooklyn. Pareho nila akong niyakap pagkakitang pagkakita nila sa 'kin.

They greeted my brother and Marcus started talking to him about a lot of things again. It's more like a reunion. Matagal rin kasi silang hindi nakapag-usap ng Kuya ko dahil naging busy rin sa trabaho.

Pagpasok namin sa loob ay natigilan ako nang makita ko si Ressler na nakaupo sa sala, his eyes on me.

"You invited her without telling me?" he asked them, disappointment written on his face.

My hands were shaking, putting them behind my back.

I knew Ressler and Ram were here in Vera, but I didn't expect him to be here at Marcus' place.

"They didn't invite me. I wanted to surprise them. And I didn't know you were here. I'm sorry," I apologized and I whirled around to my friends.

I flashed them a genuine smile. "Maybe I'll visit you again next time."

Brook raised a brow at me. "Kadarating mo lang, Tam. Ano ka ba?"

"Hey, Ress. Take it easy. I know you're not in good terms with my sister right now but this is her friend's place," my brother stated.

Ressler scoffed. "Marcus and Brook are my friends too," he countered.

"Drop it, Ressler. I already said I'm going," I said, clenching my jaw. I know he doesn't want me around him, but can he please not act like that in front of my brother? My brother is his best friend, for God's sake.

"No, you're not going anywhere, Tam," my brother said, lightly grabbing my arm.

"Kuya, it's fine. You can stay here and hang out with them. I'll be there at the nearest café and wait for Zild to come pick me up," I assured him, flashing him a warm smile.

He let out a long sigh.

"Alright. But you'll be waiting for him here. Is that alright, Ress?" he asked, shifting his eyes to Ressler.

"Sounds good. As long as she's not staying here for too long," he said, shrugging nonchalantly as he made his way to the kitchen.

Naramdaman ko na lang bigla ang pagbigat ng dibdib ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Ayaw niya talaga akong makita o makasama. I can't even complain because it was all my fault.

Nilabas ko ang phone ko para i-text si Zild.

Can you pick me up here on Marcus' house?

Of course, I will. What time?

Now

Huh? Eh kadarating mo lang diyan 'di ba?

Ressler is here.

Oh. Okay. Wait for me.

Marcus went upstairs to check if their daughter's still sleeping.

"Are you alright, Tam?" tanong sa 'kin ni Brook nang maiwan kaming dalawa sa sala. Pumunta kasi sa kusina ang Kuya ko para makipagkwentuhan kay Ressler.

"'Di naman kayo nag-aaway ni Marcus?" tanong ko, para makaiwas sa tanong niya.

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms above her chest. "Madalas kami mag-away, but that's okay. It's part of our marriage. Hindi 'yon dahilan para maghiwalay kami. So, don't try to change the topic, my friend. Alam kong hindi ka okay. Pero hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit mo ginawa lahat 'yon kay Ressler. Alam mo bang 'pag wala siyang pasok lagi siyang nandito sa bahay namin para lang magpalipas ng oras? Pati si Ram madalas niyang dinadala dito para makipaglaro sa anak namin. And that's fine, really. We're happy to have them around, but it makes me sad seeing him like that. He's . . . He's lost, Tam. Because of you, he became like that," tuloy-tuloy niyang sabi.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Nanatili lang akong tahimik.

Totoo naman lahat ng sinabi niya. Naging gano'n si Ressler dahil sa 'kin.

"You're my best friend, Tam. I should be taking your side, but obviously, I can't. Because it's just not right. Everything you did wasn't right. You need to fix it. You need to fix what you've ruined," she added, giving me that worried look.

"Zild is a good man. He is a good friend. I know that. I liked him, really. Not until you chose him over your husband. My respect for Zild went zero the moment you turned your back to your husband and spent more time with Zild," she said, letting a long sigh with disbelief. Of course, they'd think like that. I should be happy because that's what I want them to believe, but my heart aches for me and Zild. We don't deserve to be judged like this.

"If you love him that much, you should've married him instead. Now look at what have you done. You hurt Ressler, leaving him fully damaged."

When she noticed my silence, she placed her hand above mine. "I'm sorry for telling you these things. I know you're my best friend, but Ressler's my friend too. Because of you, he became our friend, Tam. Remember? You made him part of the squad," she reminded me, giving me a half smile.

"You better talk to him, Tam. He deserves an apology at least," she said, giving me a warm hug. "I love you," she whispered, making my tears fall from my eyes. I stopped myself from sobbing and quickly wiped my tears away.

"Thanks, Brook. I love you too."

Maya-maya lang ay bumaba na si Marcus buhat-buhat si Bree. Agad na lumapad ang ngiti ko nang makita ko siya.

Habang lumalaki siya ay mas nagiging kamukha siya ni Brook.

"Say hi to your Ninang," nakangiting sabi sa kanya ni Marcus. Tinitigan lang ako ni Bree and she started pointing her finger at me.

"Oh. She wants you to carry her," saad ni Marcus kaya natigilan ako.

"I can't," agad kong pagtanggi.Gustuhin ko man, baka hindi ko pa kaya.

"Why not?" Nagtatakang tanong ni Marcus.

"What do you expect? Si Ram nga mismo, kahit kailan hindi niya binuhat. Pati nga paglakad, ako lang nagturo kay Ram," natatawang sabi ni Ressler na nakatayo pala sa likuran ko.

Maraming beses ko siyang binuhat no'ng maliit pa siya, Ressler. Of course, you wouldn't know that because I never showed you how I cared about Ram. I even taught him how to crawl.

Gusto kong sabihin kay Ressler 'yon pero hindi ko magawa.

"Just carry her, Tam. Please?" Brooklyn requested.

I let out a small sigh. "Okay." Minsan lang naman kami magkita kaya pagbibigyan ko na lang din sila.

Binigay sa 'kin ni Marcus si Bree, and she started kissing my nose and my cheek. I felt her soft hands touch my face and it made me smile.

"You don't have to pretend around them, you know. You can tell them how you hate kids," Ressler said in a mocking way. He's definitely wrong about that. I love kids. I love Ram.

But because he's not aware of what I'm going through, I didn't let his opinion bother me.

Nakipaglaro lang ako kay Bree habang buhat-buhat ko siya pero agad akong natigilan nang biglang hilahin ni Bree ang cap sa ulo ko. Para bang nag-slowmo sa paningin ko ang pagbagsak ng cap ko sa sahig.

Pare-pareho silang natigilan.

Their eyes landed on my head. Bakas sa mga mukha nila ang pagkagulat. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng sasabihin ko.

"I . . ." I tried to talk but no words came out from my mouth.

Agad kong binigay si Bree kay Marcus at mabilis kong pinulot ang cap ko sa sahig. Binalik ko ito sa ulo ko at nagmadali akong lumabas.

Nang makalayo ako sa bahay nila Marcus ay sunod-sunod na pumatak ang luha ko.

Nasasaktan ako sa reaksyon nila. Para bang nandidiri sila sa nakita nila.

I should've known better.

Only Zild looks at me without feeling disgusted, ever. It's only him who looks at me as if I'm still the most beautiful girl in the world despite losing almost all of my hair. It's him. Only him.

______

Tiana: This chapter is in present time, and all the next chapters will be in present time too.