There´s a commotion outside the building when I get home. An ambulance is stationed at the entrance and a group of paramedics hurries out, pushing a stretcher and yelling at the neighbors and onlookers to move aside. I approach the scene and suddenly I recognize the woman on the stretcher. It´s mom!! 

- Wait!! That´s my mother!! What happened?

- You´re her son?- one of them asks.

- Yes.

- Come with us, quick!!

They push me inside the ambulance and I climb in behind mom. 

- What happened?? 

- She collapsed. Does she take any medication?

- No.

I can´t think clearly right now. Everything is happening so fast. The trip to the hospital is short. No one can tell me yet what exactly happened. We enter through the emergency wing and the doctors ask me to wait outside the room. I´m so scared. Several minutes go by and I walk from one side of the corridor to the other until finally one of them comes out and speaks to me. 

- You´re her son, right?

- Yes, how is my mom?

- She´s alright for now. But she had a stroke. She´s going to have to stay in the intensive care unit for a few days. 

- What happened to her?

- We´re not quite sure. It was a police officer who called the ambulance. 

The police? I don´t get it. Mom always stays home alone…

- She needs to rest for a moment, then you can see her. 

- Ok. Thank you, doctor.

I need to smoke.

I head out through the back door and sit down on a bench. I light a cigarette and try to keep myself calm. 

-Mr. Fleck?

I look up. Two gentlemen in black coats walk over to me. 

- Yes?

- Good night- says the chubbier one - I´m detective Garrity, this is my partner, detective Burke.- 

Detectives…now everything starts to make sense. 

- We were looking for you at your apartment, but you weren´t home. So we spoke to your mother. 

- What did you say to her? Wait…did you do this?

- We just asked her some questions. She got hysterical, hyperventilated and fell. She hit her head. 

- The doctor said she had a stroke!!

- We´re really sorry, but as I said, we still have some questions to ask you. It´s about the triple murder that happened on the subway last week. 

I try my best to maintain a relaxed posture even though cold sweat is running down my body. 

- Yes, I heard about that. It´s horrible…- I say, focusing on smoking as casually as possible. 

- That´s right.

I don´t look them in the eyes. Now it´s the other officer who speaks to me. 

- We spoke to you boss at HAHA, he said you were fired for bringing a gun to a children´s hospital. 

- It was a prop, it´s part of my act! I´m a party clown.

- Alright, then why were you fired?

 - They said I wasn´t funny enough…can you believe that? – I reply, upset.

I flick away my cigarette and get up.   

-Now if you excuse me, I have to go take care of my mother. 

I turn around and head to the door. I need to leave before they ask me some question I can´t answer. 

-Your boss also gave us one of your cards. 

I stop and turn around.

- That condition of yours…the laughter, is it real or is it a clown thing? 

- A clown thing??- I ask in disbelief. 

- Is it part of your act??

I don´t know what they want to hear from me, I don´t know what answer is the safest and I decide to reply with another question. 

-What do you think?!

I´ve managed to get rid of them for now. They don´t seem to have that many clues. But I can´t relax. They´ll likely come looking for me again. 

-Mr. Fleck!

The doctor comes out of the room. 

-You can come in now. 

I see mom laying in a bed, connected to a ventilator. She´s unconscious. I sit down on a chair next to her and take her hand. 

-Mom, it´s me. I´m here…please…you have to get well again.

Her body remains still. Can she hear me? The TV is on, but I pay no attention to it. I hate hospitals. They bring back memories from the time I was hospitalized…or rather locked up. I prefer not to think about that. All the sudden I feel very tired. So many things are happening all at once. I haven´t been taking my pills for several days, I don´t get the help from the therapist anymore, I´ve lost my job, I killed three men and now the police is looking for me…then there´s Thomas Wayne…and now mom´s here…stop!! Please!! I can´t do this anymore!! I just want the world to stop at least for a second and let me breathe. I don´t want to keep fighting anymore. I have no more strength left…

Knock knock.

Someone´s at the door.

-Come in!- I say without even turning around to see. It must be the doctor or a nurse. 

I hear footsteps.

-Arthur- whispers a voice close to my ear and a hand sets down on my shoulder. 

Only now do I look to my right and see the person standing next to me. 

- Sophie?

It´s Sophie! Her coat is slightly wet from the rain she´s breathing fast, as if she ran part of the way. She drops her bag on the floor and sits down next to me. What kind of magic is hers, that always makes her show up exactly when I need her the most? 

-The neighbors told me what happened as soon as I got home. How is she?- she asks, looking worriedly at mom.

-The doctor said she had a stroke. 

Sophie rubs my back softly. 

-It´s ok, she´s going to be alright… 

- Yes…- I mumble, trying to convince myself rather than her. 

We remain silent for several minutes. My eyes linger on mom´s sleeping figure. I´m worried. But Sophie´s hand running slowly up and down my back soothes me. And suddenly I remember that I hadn´t seen her since the…incident. I had been avoiding her, too afraid to face her. But now she´s by my side, keeping me company. 

- I´ve been worried about you, Arthur. I came to look for you the other night but you weren´t home. 

- Oh, I´m sorry…I´ve been working late…

I feel terrible about lying to her. 

-Arthur…are you alright?- she asks, looking at me with concern.

Sophie´s eyes do something very special. They´re eyes that can caress.  

- Mhm.- I mumble. Even though I don´t think I sound very convincing. 

- Would you like a coffee?- she asks.

- Yes.

I leave mom alone for a moment while Sophie and I sit at the hospital cafeteria. 

Her visit makes me feel better. When she's by my side, everything changes. It's as if there was light between the darkness. A bit of time with her is all that I get. But that's all I need because it's all I can have. We share many cigarettes and a coffee. I had completely forgotten about the notebook I was carrying under my sweater. It´s a bit uncomfortable to keep it there, but as I was on my way to the theater earlier today, I was reading over the things that I had written down, the words that I had wanted to say to Wayne. None of that turned out as I had expected…

- Arthur?

- Oh, I´m sorry…I was just thinking about something…never mind. 

I take out the notebook and hold it between my hands. I also wrote down some things for Sophie…thoughts I had…things that I´d like to say to her although I would never dare to do so. Her eyes fall on the notebook as well. She seems very curious. 

-I´d love to read the jokes you write…

My hands clutch the notebook instinctively, protecting it's content. 

-Oh…there's a lot of spelling mistakes. I have a hard time reading and I also don't write too well. 

Shame burns on my cheeks, not just because of the spelling, but because of some thoughts, some images contained in the notebook. They´re not appropriate…

-That's ok, Arthur. An artist is like a magician. He must keep his secrets.

Sophie's eyes fall upon another object. A newspaper left on a seat. How long will clown faces be on every front page? Sophie picks it up.

-Do you believe all that shit?- she asks, chuckling - Fuck them. I think the guy who did it is a hero.- 

I look at her aghast. 

-Three less pricks in Gotham City…- she says, throwing the paper back on the seat. - Only one million more to go…-

I laugh, too. Hero…it's a word that I never thought I´d hear next to my name. And the truth is this: I don´t know how I feel or how I should feel about the incident. 

Both of us light another cigarette and share the pleasure of smoking in silence. My mind is still processing the events of the night…Wayne, Wayne…Wayne.   

-Sophie…can I ask you something? 

-Yes, sure.

- What happened with Gigi's father? Did he…leave?

Sophie doesn´t say anything. 

- I´m sorry, I shouldn't have asked, it's none of my business. Forgive me.

- No, it's fine. It's just that…I hadn't thought about that in a long time. 

Sophie puts out her cigarette and her eyes linger on the ashtray for a while. 

- Yes, he left before Gigi was born. Now it´s just the two of us…but that´s ok, we´re better off that way.

- I´m sorry…

- Don´t worry, Arthur. It's the case of many women, I´m not the first and I sure won´t be the last who goes through this…

I sense how deep Sophie's sadness goes. I feel bad for having caused her pain with this question. I don't want to ask her more, but at the same time I need to. I need to understand…

- Why do fathers leave? I mean…I understand that mine would leave. But why would someone leave Gigi? She's wonderful!! She didn´t do anything wrong…

- Arthur!! You didn´t do anything wrong either!! I don´t know your father or his motives, but don´t think that you´re guilty for any of this!! If he left you, he´s the one who did something wrong, not you. 

- Who could want a son like me?

- Arthur, no…don´t say that. You too are wonderful. 

Sophie wouldn´t say that if she knew what I did…

Your mom is very lucky to have you. Maybe you´re missing a father, just like Gigi misses hers, but you and your mom are a family, just like Gigi and myself…not all families are the same, or ideal…but as long as you got a loving home, you got all you need. 

Sophie takes my hand and rubs it softly with her thumb. Her brown skin contrasts against mine that is so pale. I imagine myself walking by her side, holding hands and intertwining our fingers…like happy people do in the movies…

- I must go back home- says Sophie after a second coffee and another round of cigarettes - I left Gigi alone. Will you be alright?- 

- Yes, I´ll be fine… Thank you for coming, Sophie…

My eyes follow her until her image gets lost behind the exit door. 

I go back to mom´s room. She´s still asleep. Again I sit down on the chair next to her bed. It´s time for Murray´s show. We always watch it together and I want her to watch it with me tonight as well, so I move closer to the bed and take her hand. 

Murray is great, he makes me laugh even in moments like this and I hope that mom can feel that way, too. 

-…And finally…in a world where everybody thinks they can do my job, we got a video tape from Pogo´s comedy club with this guy who thinks that if he just keeps laughing, it will somehow make him funny…check out this joker! 

I jump on my feet when I recognize the scene on the video tape. 

- I hated school as a kid. But my mom would say: Arthur, one day you´ll have to work for living.

-…Hahahahah you should have listened to your mother…

Wait! That´s, that´s me!! Oh, it can´t be!! The video shows me on Pogo´s stage. You can´t see the audience. My eyes are glued to the screen, I laugh and I can´t believe that I´m seeing myself there!! On Murray´s show!! 

-And I´d say: No mom, I´m going to be a comedian! And when I said I was going to be a comedian, everyone laughed at me…well, no one´s laughing now!!

The video is cut off, Murray laughs.

-You can say that again, pal…

Hold on…nobody laughed. Is it possible that I was so taken aback at that moment, watching Sophie applaud me, that I didn´t realize that no one, absolutely no one actually laughed? Did I imagine applause and laughter that never existed? I feel as if I´ve been slapped in the face. What´s this video doing on Murray´s show? Murray…Murray is making fun of me by playing it. Murray laughed at me. Every word of his falls on me like a stab. The last piece of hope that I was holding between my hands shatters like glass when it hits the floor and its sharp edges cut a deep wound into the last bit of pride that was left in me. Murray…who´s all I ever want to be…Murray, who I met in a thousand fantasies, who in my mind told me that I also was a great comedian, Murray who held me and told me he wished he had a son like me…Murray…betrayed me…

There´s something called sobering up. I didn´t get the meaning of the word until now. But it feels like when you stop taking your pills. When the effect subsides, when the anesthesia fades away and all that is left is the pain of harsh reality, hitting your face.